New Sexual Inventions Could Be Coming
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Posted:Nov 12, 2008 3:48 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2008 10:37 am
8985 Views
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Back on June 23, 2005 I wrote to you about the latest TallCo inventions. Reference Inventions You CAN NOT Live Without if you give a crap. I mentioned pine-scented helium breast implants, self-propelled suppositories, and other much needed items.
Right after this post, TallCo® stock skyrocketed. It is time to not only let the company go public...but to announce next year's lineup of NEW INVENTIONS! Here we go, our Top 20 Invention maybe's for 2009.
1. Voice boxes with an accent. This way Steven Hawking and others can fool their friends when answering the phone. Or pass themselves off as European. Long overdue if you ask me.
2. A remote controlled remote control finder. Who can find that remote when you need it? I know I can't. This device will be on every male's wish list this Holiday Season!
3. The alcohol patch. Trying to cut back on your drinking? Here's your answer. Maybe you just need a quick buzz to get you through a lengthy DUI hearing...we've got you covered.
4. Talking car horn. Beep beep just doesn't work anymore. Our model is programmed with specific phrases from the factory in a human voice: "Hey Baby, I can't afford a Mr. Microphone." "Learn how to drive wanker. What are you...French?" "Excuse me I was parking there." "Get a ." "Cop ahead." "Honey I'm home, get everyone out of the bedroom."
5.Urinal auto-shaker. Talk about hands-free operation! Available in 2 models...female or male robot hands.
6. Large print alphabet soup. Great for old folks like me. Hey...we need to spell stuff too!
7. Solar powered flashlight. I know, you think this sounds stupid. Well partner...combine this handy item with our glow in the dark sunglasses and you'll never buy batteries again! One recharges the other. And you thought this was stupid.
8. Cat wax. Just something about a kitty that says wax me.
9. Vitamin and mineral fortified flavored pencils and pen caps. If you're gonna chew...get some nutrition and fulfillment!
10. Spring-loaded toilet seat. This one will sell like hot cakes. The seat stays in the down position until you pee on it. Then whammo...it pops up. She'll never complain again because when you're done...it returns to the down position. Available with the optional Urine Gutter.
11. Battery powered battery charger. Need to recharge batteries but the storm took out the power? No worries ever again!
12. Curved baseboard heaters. Ever wonder how to install baseboard heat in your igloo? We have!
13. Decaffeinated coffee table. Available in round and oval. No self-respecting yuppie should be without this sucker!
14. Handbag made from foreskin. Now, talk about fashionable! The kicker...if you stroke the purse...it turns into a suitcase! Hawaii here I cum.
15. Alcohol-flavored medicinal alcohol. We all know loads of medicines have alcohol in them, time to enhance the experience we say. Peppermint Schapps flavored Pepto Bismol. Malt liquor flavored mouth wash. The list goes on and on people.
16. Vibrating ketchup bottles. Never shake that pesky bottle again. It's done for you. Buy 2 and we throw in a FREE pint of ketchup thinner. Don't use ketchup? Toss 'em in your underwear!
17. Fake rhinestones. That's right...on a tight budget but have champaigne taste? TallCO® has you covered. These gems look remarkably like REAL rhinestones.
18. Dehydrated water. Stuck on the road and thirsty? Just add water and voila...you have water!
19. Our NEW education series books...Learn To Read. Yes sir! All the tools and tricks the pro's use are revealed in this 300 page book geared at getting you reading in no time.
20. Black highliters. Need to highlite something you really don't care about? Here's your solution partner.
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Here's Your Chance...Name The Next Gasoline Increase Excuse
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Posted:Nov 10, 2008 4:29 am
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2008 4:20 am
7064 Views
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As Blogville's resident Economic Advisor, and part-time model for Pygmy dildos, I have been closely watching the national gasoline prices and the trends associated therewith. My conclusions follow.
It is a matter of time until the prices at the pump increase again. The question is when? I predict that the prices will increase just in time for the holidays. The question remains...what will be the excuse for higher prices?
I have come up with a Top 10 Excuse List for raising gasoline prices.
10. Global economic transactions prompted an increase in solvency. (translation: who the fuck knows?)
9. Increased consumption always dictates the price at the pump. (translation: who the fuck knows?)
8. The demand is greater than the supply. (translation: we cut back production to increase prices)
7. The cost of searching for new crude deposits has increased significantly. (translation: they couldn't come up with a better excuse)
6. The increase in production labor costs dictated an increase. (translation: they threaten layoffs so we won't bitch)
5. The quality of the crude has shifted and thus requires additional processing during the production refinement. (translation: tricky wording always means higher prices)
4. We are just trying to keep up with the demand. (translation: basically...fuck you, here's the price)
3. We are currently forming a fact-finding committee to look into this matter. (translation: we're buying some time until you forget about this)
2. Current deposits are yielding less and less crude forcing prices to the current level. (translation: we'll scare the shit out of you until you quit bitching.)
1. Current production methods cannot keep up with the ever increasing demand. (translation: more increases are on the way.)
I may have missed a reason or two.
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I'm Thinking That We Need Some New 's Names
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Posted:Nov 7, 2008 12:01 pm
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2008 5:02 pm
8415 Views
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As Blogville's resident philosopher, and pert-time orgasm donor for the aloof, After astutely noticing that our President Elect's first name is Barack, I felt it was time to address the practice of naming our offspring. I am the first to admit that I never thought we'd have a President who's first name sounded like a parrot noise. I was wrong.
Back in my day, people had first names like Maude and Charles. Or Ruth and Henry, and Bathsheeba and Moses. What about Mildred and Walter, or Doris and Harold? Those names seemed to give way to Josh and Jen, Hannah and Ethan, Sydney and Sidney, and Brianna and Kyle. I cannot even imagine where the next step will take us. Therefore...I suggest we take the next step and name our sexually related names.
Penetrada is good. Or maybe Hymenella. That sounds like an illness doesn't it? "What was the cause of death doctor?" "Obviously he didn't clean himself afterward. It's a textbook case of hymenella poisoning!" Or something simple like Vulva, or Juicey. Yep, here comes Juicey Jenkins and Vulva Mound. Come to think of it...countries should do this too. Look at the Spanish island of Majorca. The capital city is Palma. Wouldn't it sound better if they renamed the capital Labia? Labia Majorca. I'd go there. This afternoon.
Maybe we'll stick with people names. How powerful does the name Testiculees sound? Or even Prostatus. Well, that kinda sounds like a hybrid vegetable. But I like Testiculees. "The secret to the incredible power of Testiculees is in the length of his pubic hair." Oh...get outta here...Clitisa! Or Pons de Leon? Maybe Areolisha. Actually, I really know a woman who named her Mona Keisha. I found it to be a very unusual name, so I tactfully inquired, "How did you come up with your daughters name? It sounds so lovely."
She looked me square in the eye like I'm the dumbest fuck on the planet and said..."She's named after that famous paintin!" Dumb ass me, forgot about da Vinci's Mona Keisha. Duh. Sorry, got sidetracked.
I like Virgyna. And even Rumpleforeskin. Maybe a good priest name would be Rectumo. Actually, that kinda sounds like a Gay Super Hero. "The Earth was saved today from the giant meteor as Rectumo flew backward and absorbed the massive object with a squint and an 'Oy'. Footage at 11."
I could be wrong on this.
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If A Heart Has Cockles...Mine Just Got Warmed
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Posted:Nov 4, 2008 7:47 pm
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2008 5:16 pm
10043 Views
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Sorry I haven't been writing much, or visiting you in the past few days. As you may have already suspected, I have either been really busy lately, or the results came back on my sanity tests and I'm in custody. Surprisingly, it's the busy part.
I just logged on and saw that I had an email. I like email. This one however...was unlike any I have ever received. I believe in karma. Very much actually. My last post was addressing bonehead males in here and today I get this email. Let me share some unique events with you.
On October 11 of this year, a female in here wrote a blog about getting to know her and how to move slowly in the process. This particular female writer I have known for quite some time. Maybe a couple years, in fact it's been so long I can't remember exactly when we met. Also, she knows what a moron I am and we often share zingers. I find her clever, witty, and very much a lady. Well...write a serious blog like she did...and expect me to behave...not likely.
So, after reading that she expected to spend time getting to know someone, and that she should be respected...I commented something to the following, "Hello, My name is Tall. Can I hump your leg? Too Forward?" I figured I'd stop back the next day and see just how she zinged me.
Not too long after I wrote that comment I received an email from her. Like within an hour maybe. She apologized to me that one of her friends didn't realize I was joking, and lit into me. Let me tell you, that struck a nerve! I hot-footed to her blog, and immediately...apologized to her friend. I was very impressed that he jumped up, and stood up for her. A good person. A good friend. And I was truly sorry for upsetting him. After a couple days, I forgot about it.
Tonight, about 3 weeks later, I open my email...and it is from this friend of hers that I upset. This is a 49 year old male on this site. He took it upon himself to write to me and apologize for jumping on me. My mouth dropped open.
What a true man! I am so impressed with this fellow. (keep in mind, me being impressed with you and 2 bucks will get you free coffee) But this meant something very significant to me. He apologized to me because I am an ass. In my mind, he did the right thing and I needed to apologize. I had just met a true man. A gentleman. A very courageous individual. It took a lot of courage to write that letter of apology to me...or did it?
Even better...it didn't take courage for him because he's a gentleman. It is his nature to make amends where and when he feels he should. I have not mentioned either of their screen names for the obvious, I did not tell either of them I was going to write about this. Hell, I didn't even know. Well, I did send me an email telling me. Anyway, they may–or may not–stop in make themselves known.
IF he does...ladies this is a man's man in my book. If you are looking for a nice looking fellow with an accurate perspective and a brilliant sense of right and wrong...contact him!
Dman...you made my evening. Thank you.
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Perhaps It's A Plague...The Women Have Turned Mean In Here
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Posted:Nov 2, 2008 3:54 am
Last Updated:Dec 15, 2008 10:45 am
23238 Views
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As Blogville's self-appointed Goodwill Ambassador, and part-time tongue depressor model, I have been cruising our streets and sort of getting a feel for what is happening in our town. I have stumbled into a shocking discovery my friends. Shocking.
Against everything I once believed, I fear that the women of our beautiful little town may have become mean and hard-nosed. So coldhearted in fact, that no matter how charming a man may be...the women are simply unwilling to give him a chance. I know this is hard to believe, that's why I brought evidence.
Case in point number one: this blog has been up a day and a half and has NO comments.
Wut's wit the biotches up in here? I go to chat and tell them I'm married and my wife don't understnd me or give me wut I needs. I put a pic of my dic on my profile to show how hot I am and explain I'm married and my wife is bitchy. Is this some kind of fake site to get money??? Don't nobody fuck up in here?
Now if this doesn't make you want to run over and hump his forehead I don't know what to tell you. Honest, thoughtful, inquisitive, and up front...yet NO comments.
Alas, the above is not just an isolated incident. Here is another heartfelt plea:
FUCK YOU!!!! IF YOU DON'T WANTA FUCK GO GET OFF HERE!!!! DON'T BE SHOWIN NO PUSSY SHOTS AND NOT ANSWER EMAIL!!!! I'M A GOOD FUCK AND YOULL NEVER KNOW!!!!
I don't know about you...but I'm wet. This poor fellow can't understand women either. He's up front with his OCD, explains his sexual skill level, speaks in a tone that assures hearing impaired ladies can get the message, AND predicts the future. Total package if you ask me. Again, NO comments.
Talk about pouring your heart out...grab a tissue and read these entries:
Phone Nov 1, 2008 11:17 pm
Mood: horny, 5 Views
anyone want to talk dirty on the phone?
0 Comments
Tahoe Nov 1, 2008 11:16 pm
Mood: horny, 4 Views
anyone want some tahoe sex
0 Comments
SEX Nov 1, 2008 11:15 pm
Mood: horny, 4 Views
is anyone in tahoe that wants to be fucked
0 Comments
Somebody Nov 1, 2008 11:13 pm
Mood: horny, 4 Views
need to be fucked
0 Comments
Sex Nov 1, 2008 11:12 pm
Mood: bored, 4 Views
need it soon
0 Comments
pics Nov 1, 2008 11:08 pm
Mood: bored, 4 Views
naughty pics 4 pics
0 Comments
Sex Nov 1, 2008 11:08 pm
Mood: kinky, 4 Views
im willing to do anything right now
0 Comments
Sex Nov 1, 2008 11:05 pm
Mood: horny, 9 Views
im so horney
2 Comments
MILFS Nov 1, 2008 10:26 pm
Mood: horny, 4 Views
If theres any milfs in my town i avalible all night tonight for fucking.
0 Comments
Sex Nov 1, 2008 10:24 pm
Mood: horny, 4 Views
I would love a latina for sex.
0 Comments
This just might be a fellow in need. Obviously adaptable, willing to share, curious, and has a phone! 10 blog entries in 53 minutes. Need I add stick-to-itness? Sadly, even after these heart wrenching pleas...NO comments.
The you have it Blogville. The evidence is in. Women here must be mean.
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I Never Realized How Badly I Need Drugs. And Lots Of Them!
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Posted:Oct 30, 2008 4:47 pm
Last Updated:Nov 18, 2008 7:48 pm
8723 Views
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Lately, it seems like as soon as I turn on the TV I see all these ads, by the drug companies, hawking the cure to a bunch of stuff that I didn't even know existed. Well, I figure if the drug companies can diagnose illnesses...why can't I? There's a whole bunch of stuff that has been plaguing me for years. They must be illnesses.
First on my list, an epileptic rectum. Every time I start to spend money...my butt puckers. Now we're not talking a gentle nibble like a eating oats from your palm either. We're talking eye squinting clinches. I'm talking about clinches so intense my eyes blink in unison. Wildly. Combine that with a store clerk, a leg cramp, a suddenly itching scrotum, and you have all the makings for a 9 1 1 call. No medicine out there for this one.
Doctors claim that hiccups are the result of a lack of oxygen. OK, if that's true...why don't penises get the hiccups after sex? Or, even better, during sex? I don't know about other men, but I've always wanted penis hiccups. Maybe penis sneezes too. I think it would be cool to be standing in line and hear this tiny muffled ACHOO. I'd love to be able to look at the person behind me and explain, "He was playing outside without his mittens". I need a pill that causes this.
Actually, I'm pretty sure that my penis has Alzheimer's. He forgets where the toilet is. Usually around 3 in the morning. You see, males have difficulty stopping a full stream pee flow in general, let alone at 3 in the morning. Many a 3 A.M., I awake with a 10% over capacity bladder, madly ricochet to the bathroom, and for some reason, sight in on the wall. I start going...and smile. Of course I do. That's why I'm here. It usually takes 2 or 3 seconds for the bankshot to reach my feet. I panic...but who can stop? At this point, you are forced into attempting a tricky realignment technique (usually resulting in over compensation in the opposite direction) and stand–now tip toed–in the puddle. Then clean it up. All at 3 A.M. I need a pill that stops this.
Another illness that I suffer daily with is REA. Restless Ear Syndrome. For no apparent reason...they start wiggling. OK, granted it's a real blessing if you happen to be giving oral sex at the time, but other than that it's really embarrassing. Imagine you're in line at the bank. The cat lady in front of you, while trying to push her shopping cart forward, becomes flatulent. Embarrassed, she turns and looks you in the eye...and your ears start wiggling! I need a pill that stops the wiggling. And heals a black eye.
You've heard the comment, "Her carpet doesn't match the drapes"? I don't have a problem if a woman's carpet doesn't match her drapes. However, I do have a problem if the carpet is the same length as the drapes. Must be a phobia. I need a pill to get over this.
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Does Everybody Modify Their Screen Savers...Or Is It Just Me?
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Posted:Oct 29, 2008 2:52 am
Last Updated:Nov 18, 2008 7:47 pm
8427 Views
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I like screen savers and wallpapers, but they're just too boring. I tend to change all of mine. Here is one, that originally came with Windows, after a few changes. It now tells a story. I like stories.
I'm guessing no one else does this.
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Here's Some Food For Thought When It Comes To Behavior...Maybe
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Posted:Oct 26, 2008 6:49 am
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2008 7:13 pm
7340 Views
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When I created the membership contest ( Win a FREE Gold Membership or a FREE Silver Membership Really ) I had high hopes that this event might serve as an enticement to everyone. An enticement to share your acts of goodwill with the rest of us no matter if they were done 10 years ago, last year, or this morning. I also hoped that it might inspire a way of seeing the world. I think, in many, it has. However, I failed to be really clear as to what this event actually is and what it means.
This event is not intended to reward someone for doing what they do everyday. It isn't intended to solicit the boastful either. It is intended to inspire. Even if for but a day. It is intended to acknowledge and reward those who inspire us. Those who motivate us and resultantly lead us into a better self...through their own example.
There is quite a difference between boasting and inspiring. Sharing with others what might be every day behavior and therefor normal to you, just may serve as an epiphany to another. For example, If I walked around everyday with my fly open and, with a cocky attitude, told everyone I have a 14 inch penis...that just might be boasting. However, if I shared a story about putting out a forest fire, and thusly saving a busload of camping nuns, with my 14 inch penis...that might be seen as...OK, bad example. But you get the idea.
If you already have a Gold or Silver Membership and don't want/need another one...tell me and if you win the money will be donated to whatever charity/organization you wish in your name. Or anonymous. Or in someone else's name/behalf/etc.
The point is this...this event isn't about you at all. It's about doing for others. Whomever did the act is of less consequence than the act itself. The membership awards are to inspire sharing of the acts. Not rewards for doing them. Actually, even if it was a reward for doing something kind...the result outweighs the means doesn't it? LOL, and no...this isn't Lobby money.
If you have witnessed an act of kindness and want to share it, please do so here and now. Or anywhere else. Just please get involved. What you may consider a normal simple act of common sense behavior may change another's day. Or maybe give them enough faith in others to see one more day. At the very worst, they just might smile and feel a little better. And so might you.
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Let's Talk About Homely People Sex Shall We? I Get No Respect.
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Posted:Oct 25, 2008 5:12 pm
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2008 1:50 pm
7615 Views
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I guess today is One-liner Saturday. Some are mine...some aren't.
I got my phone back! Woohoo. There was a text message from one of my nephews. It read..."370HSSV 0773H". I was puzzled. I read the next text message from him, "Turn your phone upside down and read the last message".
I had time last night to do some thinking, unfortunately. And I wonder if all us homely people have problems in the sexual arena? I think that might be, perhaps, a definite maybe. You know, homely isn't something that just happens over night either. It's a life long journey. I can remember when I was a , my mother used to feed me with a slingshot. When I was a I worked in the local pet shop. People used to ask how big I'd get.
When I got married my ex said there was only one thing wrong with my face. It showed. However, I have been blessed with 3 beautiful daughters. Thank God my ex's cheated on me. I'm so homely that when I get mugged, the guy takes off his mask and makes me wear it. When I go for a walk people follow me with a pooper scooper. Ten years ago I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette.
Now, when it comes to sexual powers...I am incredible! You know, I once gave a woman a 6 hour orgasm. Well, it wasn't actually an orgasm. Turns out she was epileptic. But I count it.
I did try one of those machines at the mall last year. You know, the ones that say, "Rate Your Sexual Powers". I put in 50¢ and gave it a whirl. People gathered all around. Most were clapping and laughing. I smiled and watched the needle keep rising and nodded to then...then I realized...you're supposed to put your finger in that hole.
Looking back, I guess maybe I should have dated smarter women. My last girlfriend had to go to the ER every time she made French Toast. Her tongue kept getting stuck in the toaster.
Even still, a woman will usually have sex with me three or four times a night. And at my age. Here's my secret...after the first time, I tell her if she doesn't go more I'll call Visa and stop payment.
Last February I made a big mistake. I decided that I would try to break my personal sexual record and go for 22 orgasms in a 6 hour period. Good news and bad news. Good news I did it. Bad news, I couldn't use my right arm for a week.
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For The First Time In 97 Years...I Feel Naked
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Posted:Oct 24, 2008 4:13 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2008 2:46 pm
9649 Views
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Right now may be the most alone I have ever felt. I feel vulnerable. Helpless. Completely naked to the world. I am utterly and completely lost.
What am I going to do? I have never felt this way before. What did I do? Aha! I remember now.
I left my phone in my brother's vehicle an hour ago. I called him ON MY phone...I cannot link up with him until 8 tomorrow morning. OMG.
I have never been without my phone before. Ever. What if I need to text? What if somebody calls? What if I need to change ring tones? What if I want to check my email, by phone? What if I can't sleep and need to play bowling? What will I use for an alarm clock? What if what if what if? OMG.
Hello, my name is Tall. I am an addict.
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Will There Be Consequences AFTER The Presidential Election?
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Posted:Oct 24, 2008 4:27 am
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2008 4:49 am
6377 Views
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There are some fairly alarming stories starting to surface across the country regarding the upcoming election. I'm getting a little concerned about this.
This morning, a story from Pa. come to national attention when a McCain volunteer went to her ATM to withdraw money. She was allegedly attacked and beaten because she had a McCain/Palin bumper sticker.
I have read and heard stories where homeowners have been vandalized because they had McCain/Palin yard signs.
It is a wonderful thing to have a passion for your candidates. Even better if you get involved and campaign to try and make something happen for someone you believe is the right choice. But...are we stepping backwards? Are we using 1920's gangland tactics? Are we setting the stage for riots and vandalism should the election not have a desired outcome? I wonder.
I also wonder IF there is anything that can be done? What can the candidates do to calm this possibly volatile situation? Or am I just an alarmist?
UPDATE
Turns out, I am an alarmist. This story was totally made up by a 20 yr. old young woman with an apparent history of mental health issues. It NEVER happened. I'm such a putz!
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Ever Have A WTF Moment? Or Is It A Lifestyle?
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Posted:Oct 23, 2008 6:18 pm
Last Updated:Oct 25, 2008 5:34 pm
5921 Views
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As Blogville's oldest resident, and part-time foreskin donor to the under-endowed, I thought maybe we'd talk about WTF moments. I'm sure most of you already realize that my life has to be filled with WTF moments. It is and I love 'em.
I think the Summer Olympics offered me some great WTF moments as pictured left. As a photographer, I tend to wait for the WTF moments when I'm shooting something public. Unfortunately for my girls, it is often one of their track meets.
I pull WTF's all the time. For example. Let's say I broke my last widget. I need a new one! Now keep in mind, my parents reared homely , and not dummies. I know what I want in a widget. 2 speeds, dark blue color, electric–not propane–powered, and a comfortable seat with a built-in penis rest. It doesn't have to come with a mouth guard.
Off to the widget store I go, with one thing in mind...BUY A NEW WIDGET. When I walk in a salesperson approaches me and asks, "May I help you find something?" MY reply? "No thanks...I'm just looking". WTF? No I'm not! I'm there to buy a widget dammit. Yet, instinctively, I say no way to help. WTF?
You know the old saying, "I had the right to remain silent...but not the ability"? Boy does that account for some WTF moments in my life. Here's a true story that probably not too many ladies would find humor in. At my second wedding, during the ceremony, at the part when he asked me, "Do you Kenneth promise to love, honor, cherish, etc etc as long as you both shall live?" I paused for 5 or 6 seconds and said, "Could you repeat that?" WTF?
Keep in mind that I am divorced 4 times. I'm still on very good terms with all of them, and none of them have remarried. I may have possibly turned them all into lesbians, I'm not sure. As you can imagine, I am often asked, "What happened? How can 4 marriages go wrong?" My response is very prompt and very honest. "Obviously, they chose poorly." 4 times...WTF?
Another recurring one is when I get pulled over for a traffic stop. Many of you know this to be true, my Driver's License expired in 1967. That's right, 1967. 41 years ago. I don't even know where my tattered paper bifold license is. When they ask for it, I respond promptly and honestly, "I don't have it with me". Imagine the look on a police officer's face when they walk back to the car with this info. Most of the time they're laughing in disbelief, good news for me. I'm assuming this is unusual. When asked why I haven't renewed it in 41 years? I reply promptly and honestly, "I've been busy". WTF?
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To link to this blog (rm_talldarkavg1) use [blog rm_talldarkavg1] in your messages.
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