More Summer News
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Posted:Sep 6, 2008 8:31 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2008 1:03 pm
3534 Views
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Is it just me or is the Russian Leader Putin a bit scary? Hard line Communist stance...invasions...a new shirtless photo. I dislike worry so I am going to disarm my fears. As of now I am referring to him as Pootie.
I just finished watching Bruce Willis in Live Free & Die Hard. I wonder when the porno version Live Hard & Die Free will be released?
Oh, the summer. I lost a former brother-in-law last month. He was a nice fellow and just 6 months younger than me. Reminded me that one never knows when the trip is over.
Out of shear disgust, I forced myself back into training. It's amazing how tissue memory can restore muscle size, strength levels, and appearance in a relatively short period of time. I will say this...after only 2 months of training I have learned that my muscles have Alzheimer's.
I have started getting some work (finally) in a new venture. CD design. It sure is easier to make a buck with your brain than your back. The photo is a CD idea that didn't make the cut...go figure.
I had some work done on my knees and missed Huny's bash. What a bummer. Next year.
It's late, more tomorrow.
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A Recap So You're Up-To-Speed
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Posted:Sep 5, 2008 9:34 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2008 3:58 am
4398 Views
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Here's a recap of my summer. In no particular order.
As many of you know, Indiana was spared the brunt of the recent hurricanes. However, I am still keeping an eye on the tidal surges. I am prepared to load sandbags if need be or move to higher ground. Considering that Indiana is as flat as a pancake, higher ground is scarce. I began teaching myself to walk on stilts last week. In hindsight...bad idea.
Both knees are repaired and functional.
Good News & Bad News Department:
Good News: I am getting married Saturday October 18, 2008 and you are all invited to attend.
Bad News: I have no one to marry. I'm thinking about running an ad in the Penny Saver next weekend. Also, I am accepting applications. Breast photos are welcomed.
My invention is coming along nicely, the remote-controlled hockey puck. Can't figure out how to substitute it in NHL games though.
Health Update:
Hanging from your penis will not increase its length. Will update you soon if traction works.
Sex tips:
Ladies, if you are buying hot dogs at the grocery...buy the vasoline on a separate trip. You get less stares in line.
Cunnilingus isn't a pasta dish. Huh, who knew?
Guys, contrary to what we think...women–as a rule–do not enjoy you playing ping-pong with their breasts.
My testicles suffer from Rhytiphobia.
Speaking of phobias...think Jay Leno has Geniophobia?
Oh yeah, I was going to explain my summer but I got side-tracked.
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25
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As If....
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Posted:Sep 3, 2008 7:13 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2008 5:53 pm
4296 Views
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Now that I am relatively confident that the hurricane has missed Indiana...I will be blogging again.
Friday just may be the Grand Re-Opening.
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9
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Having Trouble With Your Kitty? Not Any More!
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Posted:May 26, 2008 6:52 am
Last Updated:Sep 2, 2008 8:55 am
5112 Views
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I just cannot begin to tell you how gratifying it is everytime the R&D people introduce me to a helpful new item. Today is no exception.
Going somepleace and you want to take the cat? Ever try to stuff your kitty into a carrier? No easy task . Today, that all changes!
I am proud to introduce the all NEW TabbyTote from TallCo®.
Merely lure kitty into position with a few of the easily replaceable catnip mice and crank away. Kitty is secure!
Worried that your kitty won't fit? No problem. Call me and I'll come over and custom measure your kitty to insure a tight fit!
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5
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BTW...Somebody Stole My Stuff
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Posted:May 24, 2008 3:30 pm
Last Updated:Sep 6, 2008 9:34 pm
4803 Views
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I am the first to admit that I'm a homely sombitch...but damn...somebody stole two of my four profile photos and no photo appears when I comment.
Wait a minute...is this some sort of Affairlook censorship? Prejudice against the homely? I think it is!
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7
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You Gotta Love A State Where The Motto Is a Rectal Noise
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Posted:May 24, 2008 3:07 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2008 9:13 am
4296 Views
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I am back at the old Tall Central since the cable is not on at the new HQ yet. However...I am fairly confident it will be on this year. Sometime. Who am I to question a finely oiled machine like the cable company?
I did send them an email though. I politely asked if there was a projection on my installation...and, since their ads say they'll walk to the ends of the earth for me,...did my installation guy accidentally fall off? Since the earth is flat...was my installation guy installing some new right angle wire to bring cable to the people on the bottom of the planet? Or did they all fall off too?
Oddly enough, no reply yet.
I was listening to a guy lament about illegal aliens today and it confused me. He said that the Mexicans are lazy. A few minutes later he said that the Mexicans are stealing our jobs. Wait a minute...how do lazy people steal jobs? Do they just steal them...and then warehouse them somewhere? If so, who's working in the warehouse?
Maybe it's just an old-fashioned "ist" thing. You know, the people who say stuff and really don't have a clue what they're saying. For example, ever hear this? "The Jews only care about money. That's all they want!" Really? Then that means on payday these people must give their paycheck back and say, "Hey! I don't want this crap...this is Jew stuff!" I guess so.
Another fav for me is the people who say, "I tell you, blacks sure do love chicken." I have to agree there. We all know that the world's largest chicken retailer, KFC, was founded by P. Ditty Saunders.
I used to think that the black guys having large Johnson's was just another stereotype too. Then I opened my buddy Dig's photo album. Damn...this one is true! This is the only man I know that can enter a three-legged race by himself. Although I tease him, I still haven't had the courage to ask him if he buys that thing a shoe??
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Click To Listen?? Does This Ever Work?
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Posted:May 19, 2008 8:38 am
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2008 2:25 pm
4726 Views
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Just a quick rant while awaiting the movers.
I was just posting a comment and at the bottom, instead of the usual waste of time numbers box there was a click to listen number box. It didn't work. I got one number and oddly enough that was wrong.
This isn't the first time I have encountered the click to listen feature. It never worked before either.
I wonder if maybe the programmers have my sense of humor and just enjoy messing with us. I know I would. Actually, I'd have a lot more useless features.
Maybe a place at the bottom of the comment box labeled PLACE NIPPLE HERE. Of course I'd have to assure ladies that this is for security purposes helping to reduce abuse.
Just what abuse is so rampant here? Morons? Doesn't seem to stop them. Maybe it's the terminally dumb. Nope. Not them either.
I'm so confused.
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8
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Do NOT Try To Fold a Penis When Packing!
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Posted:May 19, 2008 4:28 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 7:27 am
4547 Views
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As you may know, I am moving today. However, I am so disenchanted right now you can't believe! Remember as a hearing the story about the Shoemaker and the Elves? I love that story. Actually, I always figured, that in a pinch, the elves would always help people out. Not so. I guess the guys have a strong union and DO NOT pack for people when they sleep. Nothing has changed since I went to bed. Not a single item has been packed for me. Ernie Keebler can kiss my butt.
The local cable service has assured me that my service will be transferred to the new Tall Central in short order. However...this is Indiana. It may not happen as they claim. I love Indiana and our people, but do remember...our State Motto is..."Huh?"
I just moved here 7 or 8 months ago. During that move I pitched some of the goodies I accumulated since the previous move. You know the trinkets I'm talking about. The things that look brand new. When seeing them you say, "Wow. I have one of these?" But you don't have a clue what it is? Those things. I pitched a couple boxes of these gems last time.
I have more! Could be the elves hiding crap to confuse me. I'm not sure. I will be wading through these gems this morning. However, since I'm writing this and not wading...you can see where it's headed.
Not everything is going to get pitched though. I have something that resembles a gold-plated hockey puck. Not sure what it is...but what if I need it? It stays. And wires...who can get rid of wires? Especially if they have some sort of gizmo at the end. Gotta save wires. The 300 hundred or so half used note pads. Gotta keep those suckers. Empty CD cases. Jeez...who doesn't need them?
You know, now that i think about it. I am packed. Cool.
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8
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There's A Huge Difference Between an N and a C
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Posted:May 18, 2008 1:59 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 7:27 am
4823 Views
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After several bouts with Sex In The City and ice cream, things started to look pretty good today. Then I remembered that tomorrow is moving day. Again! I just moved here last September. Off to an new Tall Central. I'm starting to hate moving as much as ice water enemas.
While packing, I was thinking about how messed up the letter N is. I'm thinking it needs to be replaced with the letter C.
Case in point; for a couple days I was in a funk. Yep I was funked. That sounds pretty negative. However...replace the N in funked with a C and it sounds like I had a pretty good time.
Imagine you got a call and the guy says, "Hey...I'll give you 100 bunks to help your guys out." Well, if you and the crew are going to the mattresses again, that's pretty cool. (obscure Godfather reference) But, if you replace the N in bunks with a C...real cool no matter who you are.
I am going to cheer for the Buns. Huh? WTF? Replace the N with a C and you have something. Still doesn't make much sense but it might to Tampa Bay folks.
"You just won a NEW Trunk!!" So? Make the replacement and WooHoo! Seeing a pattern here? N is useless and should be substituted whenever possible.
BTW...if you need a pick-me-up while at WalMart...try some of my top ten fav activities.
1. go to housewares and set all the alarm clocks to go off at 5 minute intervals
2. take a large bag of M&Ms to layaway
3. when you see a Caution Wet Floor sign...move it to a carpeted area
4. hide in a clothing rack and as someone browsing discovers you...say, "pick me pick me!"
5. go into a fitting room and wait for people to walk by. When they do...yell, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!!"
6. whenever you're on line and there is an announcement over the PA system...immediately drop to the floor, assume the fetal position, suck your thumb, and whine "the voices are back!"
7. go into gun department. Ask to see a gun. While holding it...look as crazed as possible and ask the clerk where the antidepressants are.
8. make a sandwich while shopping
9. smuggle an apple in your pocket and go to the bathroom. Wait until someone enters. Begin to scream, moan, grunt and then throw the apple into the center of the toilet. 5 seconds later, exclaim, "Thank You Jesus!"
10. nab one of those little scooters and do all your shopping driving in reverse. If questioned tell them you're going back in time.
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8
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Do You Ever feel Hollow? Completely Empty?
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Posted:May 15, 2008 3:58 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2008 2:28 pm
5637 Views
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I'm having one of those days. Longing. Wanting. In search of a touch that isn't there. I feel incomplete. Sorry. Nothing funny today.
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8
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The Secret To 10 Male Orgasms PER NIGHT!
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Posted:May 14, 2008 2:56 pm
Last Updated:May 18, 2008 1:07 pm
4400 Views
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The photo left is the famous statue, The Stinker.
It's fairly well known that you can get a pretty good assessment of a person by their words. What they choose to say and how accurately it conveys their thought. The quality of their thought lends incredible insight as to their perspectives, outlook, worth, and so much more. Today I learned that my words sum me up really well.
Let me share with you what a sharp cookie I am. I have been blogging 3 years now. Probably for that entire 3 years there has been a little blue underlined word at the top of my blog. KEYWORDS.
Until today I have never clicked it. Not sure why. Perhaps when my mother was pregnant for me she was frightened by keywords and it's in my blood. Probably more likely that I'm just not real observant.
I clicked it. Here are my Top Ten Keywords.
10. orgasm
9. beer
8. underwear
7. food
6. water
5. blogs
4. wear
3. penis
2. head
and the number one word...
1. love
I cannot remember talking about water, beer, blogs, wear, or even underwear. Hmm. And head?? The only time I remember using that term was to reference the enormous melon atop my shoulders. I don't get it. These are my top ten keywords and I don't remember using half of them that often.
Oh, I almost forgot. The title...I haven't gotten to the title. In case you haven't noticed, I get sidetracked now and then. OK, now.
Keep in mind as you read this; I AM A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL and NONE of the techniques or experiences I am about to share should be attempted by anyone without consulting your holistic adviser, doctor, shrink, precinct captain, and immediate family.
I first learned that I was multi-orgasmic years ago when I discovered my right hand stutters. This was a great discovery for me, bad for everyone else in Sears. Being the curious cuss that I am, I began experimenting and cultivating my techniques just as soon as I was bailed out.
Craftsman makes a great wet/dry shop vac. Oh yeah. Now with a little know-how you can connect a dimmer switch on the power control of this sucker and..."I'm coming up...get this party started!"
I can't say enough about a loose fitting socket and the proper ratchet! With a little practice, and some dexterity, you can reverse directions almost at will.
Do keep in mind, when self-serving, many people are ambidextrous. Well , I'm omnidextrous! That's right, I use whomever's hand is closest.
I guess the secret is technique. Work at it. Ladies, I do give private seminars.
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3
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Another Milestone. 501 and 3...My Birthday
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Posted:May 12, 2008 3:59 pm
Last Updated:Nov 13, 2008 4:33 am
4797 Views
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Here's a shocker, I just realized that today is my blog birthday. I'm 3. This is also my 501st post. Who knew?
Since it is my birthday...how about some insight about me. Boring but informative. Sorta.
Let me start off with a Frame of Reference statement. If you judge a man by typical manly behavior...I am a wuss, a whimp, a girly-man. I think my wussdom may have started early in life. I suspect that I may have been abused as a . I just recently found out that when I was an infant my mother used to force me to suck her boobs.
That may have left a mark. To this day I love boobs. Put a beef jerky and a boob in front of me and it's a no-brainer. I'm on the boob. And mind you, I really like beef jerky. A boob is just so cool. Give me a pair of those rascals and I'll amuse myself hours. I'm grasping for redemption here. This may be my sole manly act.
Here we go, may as well expose my wussdom in all its glory. One of my favorite activities is to snuggle up with my daughters and share the Kleenex on a favorite tear jerker. Girls are just so cuddly. I love that. All 3 of mine cuddle nicely too. Wuss, girlie man.
I dislike all sports. Well, with the remote exception of NASCAR. If it's on I'll watch it. And, since Ryan Newman is from here, I cheer for him, and 7 others. I don't really understand football. I hate baseball. Basketball is OK but not too thrilling. Golf? I'd rather watch a casket warp. Tennis...nah. Hockey? Never got into puck slapping. Wuss, girlie man.
Hunting. Now here's a classic. We just have to go out and kill something! Here's the logic behind deer hunting. We have to thin the herds because of food shortages.
Let me get this right...if we don't kill them...they'll die. Oh. Makes sense now. Not. If you want hunting to be a sport give the deer guns. Or better yet...all hunters MUST wear normal camo outfits. Not those gawdy orange suckers but real camoflauge. AND, they all must wear a helmet with antlers attached. I think we need to thin the herd of hunters! Wuss, girlie man.
Alcohol. Here's where I really stand out. I hate the taste of booze. I need drinks with ice cream and an umbrella. Bartenders hate me. Wuss, girlie man.
I guess I could go on and on about my lack of masculinity ad nauseum, but I won't. So there you have it...TallDarkAvg1...wuss.
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To link to this blog (rm_talldarkavg1) use [blog rm_talldarkavg1] in your messages.
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