Advice You Just Cannot Live Without
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Posted:Oct 5, 2008 2:09 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2008 5:34 pm
4561 Views
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As Blogville's oldest resident, and part-time philanthropist (I donate sunglasses to the blind and earmuffs to the deaf), it might be helpful for me to share some of my life's experience with the younger folks here in an effort to save you the time and heartache of learning these things on your own.
You can pull your own teeth. However, circumcisions are best left to the professionals.
If you are in a public movie theatre and decide to light a fart...make sure there is not a large man with an afro seated in front of you.
If you are in a public movie theatre and are being pummeled by a large man with a singed afro...attempting to speak jive will not improve your situation.
When being carried into an emergency room, do not arm signal a left turn as this will cause an additional injury when passing through the automatic doors.
Urinal cakes taste no better ala-mode.
Nursing your newborn is best done by the mother.
The doggie pen probably isn't a good substitute for a playpen.
Do not laugh at how much crap your ex missed until AFTER the judge slams the gavel.
After your divorce is final...do not do a victory dance, high-five your lawyer, and spike the Bible.
During a job interview, if you are asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?", DO NOT answer, "Hopefully laid up at home with a job-related injury".
If captured by space aliens and invited to dinner...don't try the Kreplach leeches!
If pou are a male, never attempt to bluff a member of Dykes On Bikes.
You can kill a vampire by thrusting a Ribeye into it's chest. However, make sure it is a wooden steak.
Hope this helps on your journey.
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16
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New I.Q. Test For Morons, Idiots, and Politicians
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Posted:Oct 5, 2008 9:31 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2008 9:56 am
5803 Views
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We all know somebody stupid. We invest our time in a relationship only to learn down the road that are a moron. That's time lost forever! Wouldn't it be nice if we could find out before we invested time? Yes it would.
Here at TallCo® we have our finger on your pulse. Sure sometimes we miss your wrist and accidentally hit your privates, but those things happen. We have scientifically engineered an I.Q. test you may administer to a prospect that will accurately determine their I.Q.. Or, more importantly, lack thereof. Here we go. Strict 30 minute time limit!
1. The cube on the left has been mixed up. How many moves will it take to align all the same colors on the same sides?
2. You have one bucket that holds 2 gallons. You have another bucket that holds 5 gallons. How many buckets do you have?
3. 5 amputees are in the hospital. What is the total number of their legs?
a) 10 b) 14 c) 0 d) 5 e) green
4. What is the next logical number in the following sequence? 44, 44, 44, 44, ...?
a) 20 b) 30 c) 44 d) rabbits e) eleventeen
5. What letter is next in this sequence? YOUAREFUCKINGSTUPI ?
a) 17 b) d c) 3.14 d) rabits e) all of the above
6. If you reverse the number 22, you get...
a) the apocalypse b) cough due to cold c) 22 d) ear infection e) vagina
7. Which of the following proverbs is closest in meaning to the saying, "Birds of a feather, flock together."?
a) The grass is always greener after you paint it
b) False
c) Birds of a feather flock together
d) Don't judge a book by its cover unless you have a law degree
e) Rabbits
8. How many fingers am I holding up?
a) 11 b) ? c) rabbits d) 14 e) Whistler's Mother
9. A condom is:
a) false b) a large apartment complex c) a commie plot d) fun to fill with water and throw at buses e) safe sex device
10. Asphalt refers to rectal problems?
a) true b) false c) all of the above d) rabbits
11. An erection is:
a) when Chinese people vote b) the square root of 625 c) bad in church
12. Genitals are people of Non-Jewish origin?
a) True b) False
13. Which object is a deceased circle?
a) O b) ‰ c) ¿ d) Ø e) ¶
14. There is a very, very tall coconut tree and four animals...a) a lion b) a chimpanzee c) an elephant e) a giraffe who pass by. They decide to compete to see who can climb and get a banana off the tree the fastest. Who wins?
(answer to 14 determines your I.Q.)
If you answered:
Lion...you're a moron
Chimpanzee...you're a moron
Elephant...you're a moron
Giraffe...you're a moron
Bananas do not grow on coconut trees!
Have a friend take this test and find out just whom you're seeing!
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19
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MYTH: Women Love Oral & Rectums Love Firecrackers
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Posted:Oct 3, 2008 7:13 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2008 3:34 pm
6346 Views
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What a day I'm having. 10 at night and I'm getting ready to head up to the hospital. You see, a couple days ago a friend was in a fender bender and today he had to have his hair amputated. Understandably distraught, he threatened to slash his wrists. Tonight I'm on wrist watch. Here's an oldie.
I have been taking my own survey here . I have yet to find a male that absolutely refuses receiving oral sex, and keep in mind that this survey included 3 guys in a coma. Women on the other hand, do occasionally refuse it, both giving and receiving. And not solely for the obvious. This brings up a few questions.
Do a lot of men just have no skill whatsoever at giving oral sex or is it that they merely have yet to learn how to breathe out their ears? Are men just far more sensitive in this region than women? Can projectile ejaculation kill?
I figured in order to get some quality input on this matter I had better seek professional advice. I spoke with Russian , and part-time valve stem remover, Ivanna Rimsky.
Maybe not all women want to receive after all. OK ...survey lines are open. Giving ... receiving and why?
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25
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New Ad Campaign Due Soon
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Posted:Oct 2, 2008 1:31 pm
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2008 10:18 am
5155 Views
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I know what you're thinking...Tall...when is TallCo® going into the advertising business? Well jump up and down & spank your little monkeys, we're doing it.
To the left is my brainchild. We hope to pitch it next week and launch before Christmas. Talk about a great stocking suffer. (no pun intended)
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12
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Famous Historical Art Fakeout Finally Revealed
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Posted:Oct 2, 2008 4:00 am
Last Updated:Oct 4, 2008 3:12 am
4655 Views
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As Blogville's resident hard hitting reporter, and part-time instructions complicator for the IRS, it is my job to bring you the latest, greatest, newest stories in town. OK, one out of three isn't bad.
My insiders (embedded operatives deep within the tiny nation of Itchenstien) have delivered a one-of-a-kind portrait of Mona Lisa, never known to exist before now. It seems her real name was Moan-a and she was a column dancer at the Night Club Dickus Maximus, just one block south of the infamous Vomitorium.
A scroll (in what is believed to be Moan-a's handwriting) was found with the portrait. Etched on the papyrus was the sentence EGO venit , vos venit , tribuo mihi viaticus. This loosely translates to: I came, you came, give me money. Thus confirming what this reporter has suspected all along...Bic pens may have existed hundreds of years ago but their existence was covered up by the The NATIONAL SECVRITY ADMINISTRATION.
Seen here with multiple piercings and a tattoo, Moan-a is believed to have been a member of the outlaw chariot group, Dykus In Ferrum (lesbians on horses). These two wheeled in-line chariots were straddled and quite controversial in their day. It is not clear if Moan-a was a ringleader in the gang or just a member. Many scholars believed that she was a ringleader based on microscopic investigation of her arm tattoo. Microtatted in the seeming tribal design are the words, prognatus ut veho reproba dickae. Translated to mean, Born To Ride False Penises.
More on this fascinating story will come as it develops. No pun intended.
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12
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USA Tomorrow...The News of the Future
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Posted:Sep 30, 2008 11:18 pm
Last Updated:Oct 3, 2008 7:25 pm
4480 Views
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Gala Premiere Edition
Dateline: Octember 1, 2045
Washington DC, AC, RSVP: -President Macaulay Culkin rejoiced in Congress this morning during his speech marking the first time gasoline dropped below $75 per ounce in a decade. "The threat of continuing research into Hybrid Automobiles directly lead to this drop.", said Culkin. He continued, "Cars in the future will rely not on petroleum, but other endless fuel sources. Such as hydrogen, anti-matter, or time travel." The Republicrat party was quick to respond citing, "Nobody has even proved cars exist in the future!"
In a related story, the cryogenic head of Hillary Clinton announced an unprecedented 13th bid for the Presidency yesterday in a crowded closet uptown. "Many of this countries' greatest decisions have resulted from a little head!" claimed Clinton. The cryogenic penis of Bill Clinton could not be reached for comment.
In an effort to reduce federal spending, Congress announced the merging of several states. Utah and Idaho will now be Udaho. Virginia and North Carolina will be Virgina. Illinois and Michigan will form Illigan. New Mexico, Texas, and Mississippi will become Miss Newass. Indiana, Ohio, and Kentucky will become the Hispanic State, Intucko. And California will remain WTF.
Long Hatten Island, NY: -The body of Professor Backwards (the man who always spoke backwards) was recovered, after an apparent mugging, today. Witnesses claim no one responded to his repeated calls for "Pleh".
Los Angeles, WTF: -Affairlook CEO Rig O. Mortis announced today, "We are very pleased about the merger with Penzoil, and expect to have all of the bugs worked out of the system by the end of the century!"
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11
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So You Think Your Sex Life Sucks Do You?
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Posted:Sep 29, 2008 7:21 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2008 9:58 am
5094 Views
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I had to talk about something today that may be happening to many others. First off, let me lay a little ground work.
I am not exactly what you would call a hottie. I am ancient, one testicle hangs a foot lower than the other, and when I do have an orgasm...nothing comes out but dust. I accept that. I have other redeeming qualities. None of which come to mind right now, but I'm sure I have them. When it comes to my sex life...Gilligan has a better sex life than me. Getting an image here?
I do get flirts. However, as a lowly standard member I cannot flirt back. I accept that too. This month, I have received 33 flirts. 31 of them have come from females that are 28 or younger with boob jobs. 19 of them now have their profile turned off. 16 of them are out of the country. Hmm...I'm not the sharpest nail in the box...but I wonder if these just might be enticements from porno sites??
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that a 19 year old wouldn't just die at the opportunity to see me naked and caress my offset danglage, however...I doubt it. Does everyone get this stuff or am I just cursed?
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29
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This Election Needs Music. Here Are Some Theme Songs
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Posted:Sep 28, 2008 8:27 pm
Last Updated:Oct 1, 2008 2:18 pm
4508 Views
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I am a tad disenchanted by all the predictable rhetoric, name calling, and all-around not playing well with others associated with a Presidential Campaign. Not to mention, neither candidate is a STANDOUT. I think others are tired of this as well. I figure, since we can't do much else, we might as well make the best of all this for the next 6 weeks.
How about attaching some music to this event? Might at least help us smile if we think of the theme songs when we see them. Here goes:
McCain's theme song;
Can't you hear my heartbeat - Herman's Hermits
Sarah Palin's theme song;
Free Ride - Edgar Winter Group
Obama theme song;
Did you ever have to make up your mind? - Lovin' Spoonful
Biden theme song;
Everybody loves to play the fool - Icicle Works
Hillary's Theme;
Evil Woman - E.L.O.
Bill's Theme;
Go down tonight - KC & the Sunshine Band
Senate theme (2)
Hanky Panky - Tommy James & Shondells
Jive Talkin' - Bee Gees
Congress theme;
Fool's Rush in - Gary Lewis & Playboys
Citizen's of U.S. theme;
I (Who have Nothing) - Tom Jones
Patriotic themes;
Tali-Band On The Run - Paul McCartney & Wings
Ba Ba Ba...Ba Bomb Iran - Beach Boys
My Theme;
Baby Don't go...the toilet's broken - Sony & Cher
DigDug's theme;
Jimmy Mack - Martha & Vandellas
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22
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Commemorate Those Special Moments Forever.
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Posted:Sep 28, 2008 9:04 am
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2008 4:45 pm
4343 Views
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Since every year Christmas advertising sneaks up earlier and earlier, here at TallCo® we're starting today. Dust off the tree Edna Christmas is here.
Here at TallCo® we keep our finger on the pulse of the consumer's needs and desires. We hear you out there asking for the items that just aren't out there. Stuff you just gotta have. This year we are offering a Limited Edition Special First Moments collection.
Pictured here are the First Playboy Bust and the First Car Wreck. Others include, First D.U.I., First Woody, First Backseat Fondling, First Contract Shooting, First Divorce, First Threesome, First Suicide, First Prostate Exam, First Angry Mob.
We also offer topical figurines. First $4.00 Gallon of Gas, First Iraq Invasion, Second Iraq Invasion, First Underpants Invasion, First Female Presidential Campaign Foiled, First Vice Presidential Pregnancy Scare.
Place your orders early as these figurines are destined to become collectables with your great great grand 's lifetime.
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10
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He's Some Info You Couldn't Possibly Live Without Knowing
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Posted:Sep 27, 2008 8:07 am
Last Updated:Sep 30, 2008 11:27 pm
4546 Views
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Since your emails have asked, I will answer some intimate questions about me.
I have been blogging on and off for 3½ years. I was the first person to cite my age as 97. Seems it caught on. Since standard members cannot always access profiles, here is a part of mine:
Hmm, about me. Not much to tell really. I was born in a log cabin that I helped my father build. I never knew my mother as she left home before I was born. My father used to routinely punish me by locking me in a suitcase and then toss it down the stairs (which I enjoy to this day). I Lost Grandma a couple years back from second-hand chew. My eyes stink, hair routinely grows from my palms, and although I do live under a bridge, I rarely eat raw sheep. As far as occupation, I used to be a famous fiction writer. Perhaps you've read one of my checks.
I enjoy soft touches, lingering kisses, and expressive eyes. I dislike aggression, webbed toes and ice water enemas.
Actually, I am a semi-retired stuntman just looking for enjoyment in life.
My Ideal Person:
Fit, stable, and secure. A sense of humor would be nice as well. Busty is also good, however, compact has its qualities. A lady that takes pride in her appearance as much as what's inside her head is ideal.
On second thought...let's go with breathing!
A few questions are important to me though.
1. Do you have any felony convictions in the past 6 months?
2. Any shallow graves on your property?
3. Any tattoos with an ex's name crossed out?
4. Any partially healed gunshot wounds?
Here are 10 little known facts about me in no particular order.
1. My favorite sex toy: Oven mitts
2. I often whistle Ladysmith Black Mambazo hit tunes. Have trouble whistling the clicks though.
3. I invented the self-propelled suppository. Unfortunately, a series of costly anti-noise violation citations shut down the project during the R&D phase.
4. Last year I tried a "singe" haircut. That's where they use a flame to singe the hair into a nice cut. I tried the same thing on my beard at home. Last week my eyebrows grew back.
5. I once paid $75 for a penis enlarger. 6 weeks later I received a magnifying glass.
6. 8 years ago I wrote a 's book with an inner-city flare. It was titled Horton Hears A Ho. It was never published.
7. When in a French restaurant, I always call the waiter señor.
8. I am really lousy in bed. I often fall asleep while masturbating.
9. When wearing a jock strap, I always leave one testicle out and will continue to do so until our troops come home. I'm not sure why.
10. Once when driving to the mall, I farted so hard I set off the air bag.
There you have it. Tall in a nutshell.
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13
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Is It Wrong To Trick An Elderly Parent?
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Posted:Sep 26, 2008 3:34 pm
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2008 10:19 am
4483 Views
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Today I had lunch with my brother, my youngest nephew, and my father. My dad's birthday is closing in so we figured we'd have a little warm up for the event. My brother and I have lunch together every week. We catch up on stuff...and plot.
I should probably lend a little insight about my father. He's ancient. I remember as hearing about his childhood and how cold he was all the time. Then, when he was 13, the Sun was invented. Maybe a little more background is in order. My father hates everybody and everything. Number one on his list...doctors.
Lets go back in time 4 years. I got a phone call at 1 A.M. Calls at that time are one of only two things, either good news or bad news. Either somebody is drunk and wants to have sex...or someone is sick/hurt/etc. It was the latter. My father had been rushed to the hospital and was in emergency surgery. It was my brother calling and he said he'd swing by and pick me up. He was in my driveway when he called.
When we got to the hospital we found out that my dad's gall bladder blew up. I asked if this is common in men his age. NO. Start following me close on this one. The doctor said there had to be symptoms for quite some time. He was out of surgery and fine. We could see him in the morning. My brother and I did the logical thing. Went to the booby bar.
While tucking bucks and gracefully declining forehead dances, we formulated an interrogation for the morning. Something was up with the old boy and we resolved to discover exactly what it was.
As we were approaching his room his doctor stopped us. He told us that dad wasn't taking his insulin. His blood sugar was over 400. We added this to our list.
We walk in and he looks like nothing has happened. No drugged appearance...nothing. We started chatting. We asked about symptoms. He said "Oh yea. For about a week I've had a sharp pain. Figured it would go away." OK, I can understand that. I asked "Why aren't you taking your insulin?"
He turned abruptly and looked me square in the eye, and pointing his finger at me said, "Listen buster, I've been taking that crap for 15 years. Every day for 15 years I have checked my sugar levels. They're always perfect. So I quit taking it. The doctor probably owns stock in the insulin company."
Where do you begin to argue with that logic? Getting a picture of the old boy?
Making a long story short, somebody reading my blog knows me and my brother. They tipped him off about my shopping plans for him tomorrow with gay Richard. We have officially substituted my dad for my brother.
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17
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Got A ?
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Posted:Sep 25, 2008 8:00 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2008 4:46 pm
4679 Views
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As many of you know, I have teenage daughters. 16 and 17. They're good . The know right from wrong, they have a solid grasp of reality, and they know they're loved.
The only difficulty...they're teenagers. I have been divorced 10 years now and the girls have lived with their mother all this time. She's a great parent. She loves them and they love her. And yes, every time they encounter one another the fur flies. Black is white, you don't understand me, I want to live with Dad.
Sound familiar? I am so lucky. When the fur is still mid-air, I get a call. Either from one of the girls or from my ex. I am the judge. The head of the household, once removed maybe. At least the titular head of the household. But they call me. Now all three of them know I do not take sides just because you called. I do not take sides period. Both sides are right, to a degree, and both sides are wrong, to a degree. Somewhere in the middle is peace.
It is very difficult being a part-time father. Of course I can see them whenever I wish (or they wish), but it just isn't the same as being under the same roof. There to kiss booboo's immediately, to comfort the breakup heartaches in person, able to see a smile from a job well done. Today is one of those days with my youngest. A time when I long to just hold her, comfort her, and assure her the tomorrow's to come, will, and each will be good safe and secure. She will be fine. What happened is, to a degree typical fare, but nevertheless, very painful for her in the now. And left unaddressed could become an issue later in life. We're going to hang all day this Saturday. We'll see if talking it out and an ice cream OD helps a bit.
My older is a very intelligent young lady and resultantly at times a handful. Her and her mother are non-stop arguing. Anything, everything, and when there's nothing...that's the topic. Now keep in mind, if anyone berates either in front of the other...you have fight on your hands. No doubt they love each other, they just cannot get alone.
Earlier this week my ex found a car for the girls and called me in secrecy to get my take on it, arrange for us to have it looked over, and to see the degree of my contribution. It's a perfect car for them, we bought it. When we took the girls to pick it up...the elder burst into tears upon seeing it and discovering it is theirs. She embrace her mother and cried. Not wept but cried. Her mother cried as hard. The youngest looked at me...I at her...and almost in unison...shrugged our shoulders. Then hugged.
I believe at that moment my elder and her mother made a peace. My knew it was her mom's idea to buy the car for them, and by her tearful reaction, my ex knew how much her appreciated her effort and how much she was loved. Life is good once again.
What I learned from this is reassuring. I have a wonderful relationship with my ex. I understand her and accept that person. She is a good parent. She is the same toward me. We do not downgrade each other ever and always openly and frequently communicate about the focusing on their needs and growth.
Maybe teenagers have some redeeming qualities after all.
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To link to this blog (rm_talldarkavg1) use [blog rm_talldarkavg1] in your messages.
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