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Latest Insider Information That Could Save Your Sex Life & Computer
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Posted:Oct 15, 2008 2:35 pm
Last Updated:Oct 18, 2008 8:03 am
4581 Views
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This is HUMOR. Not intended to offend anyone. If you are offended by Amish Parodies...stop reading now, turn off your computer, churn some butter until the rage passes.
In the name of news, here at Tall Central, we have our collective ears to the ground. OK, some of them have their ears to the ground because they're still passed out, but those of us with hangovers are mulling around gathering the latest information that can save you and yours.
We uncovered some information about the Amish that stopped us in our tracks! Please read closely and alert your family and friends.
Amish Computer Virus
There is a very destructive computer virus going around that will destroy all of your data! Here's how it works; you receive a pop up window with the following message...You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.
We thank thee.
We cannot stress enough that you do not comply!
Latest Scam
We have learned that a group of left-wing Amish are victimizing the elderly by offering specific household repairs at dirt cheap prices. Rule Number One people...do not hire Amish Electricians! We cannot stress this enough.
Amish Expected To Invade Spring Break In Lauderdale
We infiltrated a specifically radical Amish group and learned first-hand what they plan on doing next spring in Florida. We have listed them and believe me, this list is NOT for the faint of heart.
1 Drink molasses 'til they heave
2 Wet bonnet contest
3 Stuff as many guys as they can into a buggy
4 Buttermilk keggar
5 Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6 Get a tattoo: "Born to invest wisely"
7 Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with
zippers
8 Sleep 'til 6:00 AM
9 Drive up to Allensville and kick some Mennonite buttock
10 Churn butter naked
Alert everyone you know.
Martinsville Invaded
Last night racing fans at Martinsville were shocked to learn Amish Racebuggy driver Jebidiah Yoder had been entered in the race. In the top left photo Jebidiah is seen coming out of turn four just prior to a practice session with the entire field. Surprisingly he finished 36th. He and his family left the track in his stretch buggy, bottom left photo, and celebrated at home by not doing chores.
No Amish were harmed in the writing of this blog
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News, Views, Tidbits, and Other Stuff You Need To Know
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Posted:Oct 15, 2008 2:38 am
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2008 4:54 pm
4165 Views
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Dateline Chicago
Oprah Released From Hospital
Popular talk show personality Oprah Winfrey (pictured left) was released from a Beverly Hills hospital today. The exact reason for Winfrey's hospital stay is still shrouded in mystery. However, her publicist–Ms. LaTrina Goldfarb–did release a statement saying, "Ms. Winfrey underwent a simple cosmetic medical procedure that she has wanted for the past 19 months."
Dateline Affairlook
Female Profile gets WTF?
A female member of the frequently operational Adult Site Affairlook posted her profile today. Her profile shows a recent photograph of the member wearing an evening gown. It is obvious that she is also wearing, a padded lift up bra Wonder Bra, a girdle, hair extensions, heavy makeup, false eyelashes, and high heels making her 4 inches taller. What is she seeking in a relationship? Honesty.
Dateline Paris
Speculation on Last Person on Earth
A gathering of the finest minds in the world took place in Paris France yesterday. Noted planet leaders in both Psychology and Philosophy came together to answer the speculative question on everyone's mind, "Were there a major global disaster, who would be the last person left on Earth?" They decided on a baby cannibal.
Dateline Tall's Blog
Something is happening at midnight Sunday October 19, 2008
It appears that the tiny hamlet of Blogville has been missing something. Whatever that is will be unveiled in four days. Residents of Blogville are encouraged to hurry and sign a Permission Slip so that they can be a part of this unprecedented event/occurance.
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The Most Common Things Said Before, During, Or After Sex
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Posted:Oct 13, 2008 9:46 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2008 3:38 am
4289 Views
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As Blogville's resident sexual advisor, and part-time PETA avoider, I wanted to inquire about pillow talk. Many people talk before, during and after sex. I'm curious what is being said.
To break the ice and make you more comfortable, I'll share my Top 10 Before, During, and After Sex Conversations
10. I don't care what the clerk said Your Honor. I've never seen that mannequin before in my life.
9. When I said I had a foot and a half I was talking more along the lines of Kunta Kinte.
8. Hello? Mom? You work here or is this your 900 number?
7. No, I don't mind if you do your nails. I'm almost finished.
6. No officer, I'm a professional ventriloquist. There's nobody in my trunk.
5. You really think I'm that good a kisser Grandma?
4. But...I don't have any more money!
3. You're gonna stick that in my what??
2. Now you're sure that super glue will come off my scrotum?
1. YES..it's in!
What do you say?
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16
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How In The Hell Did You Ever Live Without This Gem?
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Posted:Oct 13, 2008 2:14 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2008 3:43 am
4251 Views
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Let me ask you something...how many times have you wanted to knock the living piss out of someone, but it was too dark to see? Who hasn't? How many times per night are you jabbing, poking, and shaking your mate so they'll stop snoring? We've all been there.
Now I know what you're thinking..."Tall, a good looking sharp dresser like you...why can you come up with something that will solve both these dilemmas for me? I hear you. I feel your pain. Tall to the rescue!
I am proud to announce the release of the ALL NEW TallCo® Lighted MACE on a STICK. Yep. You heard me right. WE have combined space age polymers, good old-fashioned know how, and a damn good legal team to create the helper of the century.
Space age clear shatter resistant polyvinyl chloride has been used to form the authentic Medieval Mace shaped light bulb that sits atop a solid stainless steel shaft. Flip the switch and you have 500 watts of pure daylight viewing power. The stainless steel shaft is counter weighted and balanced for a clean easy follow through that makes bopping a noggin a real pleasure.
Mate snoring? Sure they are. Trust me, one crack across the forehead with this puppy and they'll sit straight up! Are you in trouble for smacking them? Nope. We thought of that. There is a secret kill switch that automatically burns out the bulb. You merely explain you thought it was a burglar but the light wouldn't work. You were merely protecting them! They'll check and see that the light doesn't work...bases covered. Not only do you get the sheer joy of smacking them...but they thank you! Who doesn't love a democracy?
What happens if you're really pissed and smack him so hard you knock him out? We thought of that too! Notice the phallic shaped end shaft? This 14 inch night rider is also equipped with a vibrator and microwave oven generator. Ever see what happens when you put metal in the microwave? Well, hit the microwave button when you at the end of your pleasure... and talk about seeing sparks fly! The added advantage? He's out colder than a cucumber and won't hear squat. You have a good 5 hours of uninterrupted snore-free me time.
Better living from TallCo®
Forehead First-Aid Kit sold separately.
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15
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You Are Running Out Of Time
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Posted:Oct 12, 2008 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2008 3:44 am
3824 Views
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Tick Tock Tick Tock
Get your friends in here to sign permission slips. It may be the last thing they do. Sometimes you just gotta believe.
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There Is Absolutely No Equality When It comes To Sex Talk
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Posted:Oct 11, 2008 6:13 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2008 3:25 am
4644 Views
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As Blogville's resident authority on sex talk, and part-time eyelash plumper to Liza Minnelli, I cannot sit back and allow an injustice to exist without fighting to right the wrong. The entire sex attitude thing is lopsided in favor of women! That's just wrong.
Here are some examples so I can make my point.
Guys, if you stop into a lounge for a drink and see two women dancing. No biggie. On the street you see two women rush up to each other and hug, then kiss. No biggie. You see two women go to the bathroom together. No biggie. See two guys do any of those things and you have some serious rectal puckering.
Conversation differences. Two women talking:
A well?
B well what?
A how did the date go?
B we did
A how big was it?
B massive.
A oh wow. how big?
B at one point I saw Jesus big
Come on ladies...we know this conversation takes place. However, let's apply the two men talking scenario and see if this sounds familiar.
A well?
B well what?
A how did the date go?
B we did
A how big was it?
B her vagina was massive
A oh wow. how big?
B perfect for yodeling
NOBODY has ever heard this conversation!
Women have PMS as a catch-all to blame for doing whatever the hell they feel like doing at any given moment. Nobody blames them after hearing P M S. Off the hook immediately. What do men have?
Sorry I was rude honey, I have a wandering testicle. (in tears)Once that sucker takes off I can't control anything I do or say. Good luck getting this one to fly.
If I want my car door opened, my chair pulled out, or have my meal ordered for me...I have to have lunch with Richard Simmons.
Can I get away with claiming something was merely a Blonde Moment?
Excluding Richard Simmons...who sends drinks to my table all night?
No matter what age I am...nobody wants to see my boobs.
It just isn't right. Men we have to do something about this and do it now! I'm just not sure what.
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23
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Ever Sit There Cleaning Your Penis & It Accidently Goes Off?
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Posted:Oct 10, 2008 5:07 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2008 3:02 am
4806 Views
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'evening . I was just sitting here thinking. I know, scary. Anyway, some things really fascinate the hell out of me. And I'm not an easy person to fascinate. OK, excluding if you roll a ball of yarn across the floor. I'll bat it around the room for hours. I rabbit kick it too. Sorry, back to the point, whatever the hell it was.
Oh yeah, fascinations. I saw something that just riveted my attention this afternoon. Here was a fellow, easily 500 pounds on a scooter cruising down the sidewalk. Following him was what appeared to be his wife, also on a scooter. She was an easy 400 pounds. Following them was what appeared to be their 2 . How? How is it this guy is having sex and I'm sitting home writing stupid shit on a Friday night? (grabbing tie and shrugging shoulders)I tell ya...I get no respect.
Another thing I thought of...maybe everyone in here has addressed this at one point or another. The way songs get stuck in your head. Is it any song, or just your favorite?
Remember The Wizard of Oz? Remember the scene where the guards at the witch's castle were marching back in and singing the "All we owe" song?
That is my absolute favorite song ever. I sing it all the time. I pump my arm like the guards did too. Gives me something to do. Sure people stare. Nothing new for me. Even people at WalMart are surprised by this behavior. What is the world coming to? Can't a guy sing and have an odd spring in his gate?
I whistle it too. A little FYI...never try to whistle the Flight of the Bumblebee...you'll pull a tongue muscle and Vick's tastes like crap!
Certainly others sing a favorite song while doing less than desirable tasks. Or do they?
Am I the only one who sings and whistles?
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27
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(Page:)
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Everything You Always Wanted To KNow About The Human Penis
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Posted:Oct 9, 2008 6:39 pm
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2008 3:40 pm
4392 Views
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As Blogville's resident observer, and part-time lifeguard at the local car wash, I couldn't help but notice that there seems to be an awful lot of penis confusion on this site. How big is big? What's the best technique in bed? Can the penis be used to form a cannoli? As a proud penis owner for almost half my life, who better to make sense of all this?
First I want to Standardize penis length for everyone. I am creating the Standardized Penis Indexing Technique Numbers (S.P.I.T.N.). Place the testicles on the space bar of a standard computer keyboard. What letter does the tip strike? Ladies...never again will you be guessing. Just ask for the S.P.I.T.N. rating!
B - obviously not too impressive
G or H - still pathetic but the owner might be a good dancer
and so forth. Now, Digs and a few others are going to have to put 2 keyboards together to get an accurate reading. Hence, the index would be rated as follows: 1-B - one keyboard the letter B. 1-7 one keyboard the number 7. 2-- 2 keyboards the second space bar. 2-F5 2 keyboards and the F5 key. (if you date a guy with this rating wear eye protection) Just makes sense doesn't it?
Next, let's talk about penis safety. Ladies, from a male point of view, nothing is worse than getting caught in a zipper! Believe me, once a lifetime is plenty for this experience. Once you are caught in the zipper...the terrifying reality comes to view that you must now UNZIP. There's a toe curler! Hell my toes are touching my heels as I even type this. Ladies if this happens to your man you can help. Here's what to do.
Calmly place your left hand on his face and talk reassuringly to him. Place your thumb and little finger on his cheek bones. Note exactly where your middle finger falls on his forehead. Mark that spot. Now abruptly smack it with a 2 x 4. Maybe twice. Then calmly unzip him. He'll thank you in the morning. Or next day depending how hard you smack.
The next topic has to be penis accessories. Let's face it, guys just don't accessorize. We should. For example, wouldn't it be cool to have an old-fashioned AOOGA horn installed in your scrotum? A sly slip of the hand in a pocket and...AOOGA. However, baseball players can't have this option as it would slow the game too much. What accessories would you install?
Finally, here's my love poem.
When my eyes first found you
my heart pounded harder than before
I dreamed of endless possibilities
of pleasures we had in store
When I first touched you
I shook and my mouth went dry
I couldn't speak a word
no matter how hard I'd try
How things so quickly went bad
even though I wanted you near
You'd leave me for another
and that was my greatest fear
You hurt me and rejected me
every time I pulled you closer
I guess I should have known
never put my dick in a toaster.
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22
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Like Father Like ? Where's My Sharp Knife?
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Posted:Oct 9, 2008 4:07 am
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2008 10:13 am
4601 Views
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Today is my father's birthday. Naturally, my brother and nephews are taking him to lunch. The plot thickens.
We actually found something that promises to make this a very memorable event. Yep, a 75 year old stripper.
Her shtick is not only the fact that she's 75, but she includes a walker in the performance. She strips out of her Jean Harlowish evening gown and matching boa down to a bikini.
We've cleared everything with the restaurant and at 11:15 I am picking him up. Will he be pissed? Count on it. Will he roll with the punches half way into the performance? Count on it. Perhaps a little insight as to his frame of reference about life is in order.
Four years ago I got a call at 1 in the morning from my brother. With an elderly parent, this is never a good time of day for a call. Seems my father was taken into emergency surgery. Not good. Maybe. 15 minutes later he picked me up and off to the ER we went.
When we arrived there was the usual exchange of pleasantries with the staff, since during my stunt career they all know me and my family. Since they hadn't seen any of us in a few years they assumed the act was retired. We found out where dad was and headed up there.
He had an emergency gall bladder surgery. Seems it blew up or something. Odd...there are usually symptoms before something like that happens. After talking to my brother's step mother, we learn there were symptoms. For the last week. Skip to 6 hours later up in his room.
On the way to visit him we are stopped by his doctor. Seems he may have stopped taking his insulin. He was getting insulin shots every three hours and his blood sugar was still over 400. We were asked to investigate. We did. Well, I did.
I asked first about the gall bladder symptoms. Seems he did have all sorta of pain etc., but figured it was normal at his age, no big deal, and would pass. Fair enough. But what about the insulin issue?
He pointed his finger at me and uttered the now immortal explanation. "I've been taking that crap for 15 years! For 15 years I've checked my blood sugar everyday and everyday it's been normal. I quit taking it. They're ripping me off!" I looked at my brother...he looked at me...and neither of us knew where to even begin on this one.
So, now you have some insight about the old boy. Today ought to be a real hoot. Granted, there may be a period of time where he won't speak to either of us but I covered that one too. Since my daughters are in school and won't be there...they can always mediate if necessary. Bases covered.
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20
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Finally There Is Inexpense Surgery For The Terminally Homely
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Posted:Oct 7, 2008 9:17 pm
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2008 2:33 pm
5686 Views
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I am pleased to announce That I have just graduated from the prestigious Picasso School of Cosmetic Surgery. Now I know what you're asking yourself, "OK Tall, that's cool but how does that apply to me? Like, what's the BFD?"
TallCo® will be opening franchises throughout the U.S. and Canada offering affordable cosmetic surgery to everyone! That is my dream.
Actually this dream started in my childhood when I realized other people were homely too. People, do you come from a long line of homely people? Do you represent the sixth generation that has been chased by villagers with pitchforks?
As the oldest, was it your job to serve as family enforcer? Remember when you were a and would spot grandma in the front yard, did you run out and yell, "Grandma...get in the back yard. Grandma...don't make me throw another rock at you!"?
That can all change with one semi-simple procedure. Pictured here is Ms. Ginger Vitis with her before and after photos. What a difference! And for only $30 ($4 in Canada). I know what you're thinking..."Tall...can you do the same work on my boobs?" You bet.
Watch for a location near you. Timeless beauty is...well, timeless.
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17
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EVERYTHING That You Have Ever Heard About Asian Women Is True!
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Posted:Oct 6, 2008 9:03 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2008 3:32 pm
6366 Views
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This entry is aimed at the Blogville male population!
As Blogville's resident female Asian authority, and part-time Singapore Basket designer, I felt it important that I shed some light on the mysterious ladies of the Orient.
Do keep in mind, when selecting an Asian lady, DO NOT pick a member of the Communist Party as these women tend to be a tad non-compliant and carry firearms. Who needs that? I'm talking about the Asian ladies here.
The particular Angel that I will be addressing I think typifies the type of lady you guys are seeking. First let's discuss stature shall we? OK.
These ladies tend to be in the 5 foot to 5 foot 1 range. Perfect height! Spinner? You betcha! Do they like spinning? Of course they do. They just want to please you. Another distinct advantage to a lady of this height...do you love midget tossing but ran out of midgets? She'll be happy to volunteer for you!
Next is attitude. These ladies never have an opinion, rarely speak, and live to serve you! Nothing makes her happier than when you talk dirty to her, email your fantasies, or tempt her with American chocolate. But remember guys, offering her silk hosiery is offensive!
These ladies are into fantasies. Play Hitler and the peasant girl, or Give my Hero heato. They love it. Are they hot? You better believe it. Most of them even before you offer money! Another favorite of these ladies is foot posing next to your Johnson for photos. Trust me...even us white guys look huge with a size 2½ next to him. Impressive. Most impressive.
So when you shoot off your email to these ladies, or any woman, offer the money up front. This impresses them and shows that you are a man of means. Next, send a dick pic. This way she'll know right away if you need foot poses with her. Then share your fantasies. Be graphic. Nothing impresses a woman faster that a total stranger talking dirty to her. Don't fret if you misspell words, omit words, or can't type one-handed...it doesn't matter.
OK, go get you an Asian lady. Or any other now that you are armed with the secrets.
DISCLAIMER: I am innocent! I was put up to this. Granted, it may have been one of my other personalities.
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24
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So You Think You Have Mastered The Language Do You?
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Posted:Oct 6, 2008 2:31 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2008 9:53 am
4034 Views
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I was thinking today about the significance of words. Not only just how much we need them, but the various meanings they have. Many people are accustomed to using a word over and over applying just one of its possible meanings. Sooo, in an effort to help everyone expand their collective horizons, here are some multi-meaning words from my personal vocabulary. Feel free to use them often.
Abasement, n. where the furnace is usually located.
Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Aftermath, n. Relaxation after your algebra class.
Ambiguous, adj. Latin meaning I have a large penis.
Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
Barbarian, adj. belonging or related to Barbara.
Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
Decapitation, n. Removing your baseball hat inside a building.
Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and stays there.
Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
Hangover, n. The wrath of grapes.
Innuendo, n. Italian directions for using a suppository.
Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Oxymoron, n. someone who is as dumb as an ox.
Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Physique, n. the opposite of mystique.
Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
Retreat, v. to give out Halloween candy this year that you received last year.
Secret, n., something you tell to one person at a time.
Testicle, n. a short quiz.
The blurry photo on the left...step away from your monitor about 10.73216689 feet (approximately) and watch Albert turn into Marilyn. Kinda cool.
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To link to this blog (rm_talldarkavg1) use [blog rm_talldarkavg1] in your messages.
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