A Special Day For Mom's, Me, and Hallmark
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Posted:May 11, 2008 8:57 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2008 9:00 pm
4714 Views
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Happy Mother's Day to all of our resident mom's. This is your Special Day that we celebrate once every year, so enjoy.
Today...no cleaning, cooking, laundry, or anything else that everyone expects you to accomplish in a 15 minute window. Just kick back and relax. Take it easy. Do nothing today. Let all the world rejoice in your deeds and bask in your accomplishments.
Of course, ALL of you will experience this today.
What am I thinking? I gotta get off crack.
Mom's of Blogville...thank you for somehow always being there without routine acknowledgment, gratitude, appreciation or consideration. As my way of saying thank you for all that you do...FREE breast moisturizing, exfoliation and massage!
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I Can Save You 20 Years Worth Of Wasted Time.
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Posted:May 9, 2008 1:12 pm
Last Updated:May 14, 2008 3:16 pm
5113 Views
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As Blogville's resident elder, and part-time instructions complicator for the IRS, I wanted to share this.
Do not click the picture at the left and try to count the black dots. Rumor has it that this very activity is what lead to Hillary's decline.
We have talked many times about the benefits of aging and I noticed that I have failed to share one of the greatest aspects of aging with you. That being, what you learn along the way. If you read this, and apply the knowledge...you will have a distinct leg-up for the rest of your life. Yep, this article will pack 20 plus years worth of life experience into a short read. Here's some of what I have learned.
Men, you will never understand a woman. Do not try to learn their ways. You will fail. They are complex and mysterious. For example...many women pluck their eyebrows yet very few pluck their pubic hair. I don't know why.
We all know that self-breast exams are a key point in getting an edge on potential problems. However, self-administered prostate exams are not. Not only do they cause that tip-toed high-stepping but it can cause immediate rejection at parties. Just don't do it.
Trust me, urinal cakes taste no better ala mode.
Never deliberately try to stop thinking about penguins. You can't.
Always carry a rectangular piece of white cardboard (8 inches by 6 inches) with 9.6 clearly written on it with a black magic marker. You never know when someone will slip or fall in front of you. Show them the card. It's nice to give them a high score so they don't feel so embarrassed. If they happen to question why you're doing this tell them you took away points for arm flailing.
Men...when you have a woman in your life and she asks how she looks...there are ONLY 3 words that are an acceptable response. You Look Great!
Ladies...remember, no matter how good he looks...some other woman is already sick and tired of putting up with his crap.
Ladies, if you purchase a battery operated love toy...insist that it has a surge protector. Guys, trust me...if it vibrates it'll chip your teeth.
For some odd reason, driving 7 miles under the speed limit with your turn signal on over a 10 mile distance really pisses people off. When they honk, flip you off as they pass...switch from blinking left to blinking right. Courtesy is important.
Never apply Nair to your scrotum!
No matter how angry you are...never use your mate's toothbrush to clean the toilet.
Always hide your toothbrush! Your mate may be one of my readers.
Never sneak wheels onto your grandfather's walker.
No matter how amusing it may seem at the moment...never rub Vick's Vaporub on someone's G-String.
Although many men find entertainment in belching the alphabet, at parties, refrain from trying to one up him by farting the alphabet. Short sentences are acceptable.
If you ever need to make a point and are not up for it emotionally, secretly pluck hair from your nose. Your eyes instantly water and you gain everyone's sympathy. Very effective when followed by an..."I'm sorry."
Never sit in the third row and use your thumb to flip grapes into an open casket.
Always remember, the first three rows in a church are almost always non-smoking.
I hope this helps you along your journey.
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My First Milestone. Took A Bit Of Time Too.
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Posted:May 8, 2008 4:08 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2008 3:43 pm
4563 Views
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Our own lovely, bustybettyboop wrote an article about Blogville's 130 Most Beautiful people ( 130 most beautiful ) and included me.
Of course I was flattered. But then reality set in. This is the first time in my life that I have ever been called beautiful. Of all the things I am routinely called...beautiful has never been one of them.
Amazing how a group of words can impact thoughts and feelings. I am still thinking of what she may have meant by beautiful. However...not too much. I think maybe I am better off just accepting the status quo and moving forward.
Am I that shallow...or is being called beautiful that impactual?
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25
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Increase Your Mind Power Just By Reading This Article
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Posted:May 6, 2008 4:55 pm
Last Updated:May 12, 2008 5:35 pm
4816 Views
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As many of you know, I am a psychic extraordinaire. Under clinical conditions, I was tested by professionals and found to be post cognitive on several different occasions. That's right. I can, with reasonable accuracy, describe events that have already happened. You doubter you. Here's proof: On December 7, 1941 the German's will have attacked Pearl Harbor. I can do this all night you know.
Actually, the reason for this article is to help you expand your mind. First, to set the stage, I am going to demonstrate my incredible ability to predict the future. That's right the future. And...more importantly...predict what YOU will say!
I caution you...if you get goose bumps easily this is not for you! Read on if you dare.
I want you to relax and in your mind picture a normal deck of 52 playing cards. In a moment...I WILL PREDICT WHAT YOU WILL SAY.
Now begin to shuffle the deck. First overhand and then dovetail. Completely mix up the cards being very careful not to see any of them. Obviously, I cannot see them either. Or can I?
Set the deck down. Now...mentally...select one card out of the deck..
Turn it over and look at it. Mentally burn the name of this card in your mind. Think hard. Concentrate on only that card.
I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to answer out loud!
Was your card the 2 of spades? Look at the 1st comment below.
Please do not bombard me with email wanting to know how this trick was done. I cannot and will not reveal the secret. It is a trick and does not involve mind control. Take off all your clothes and call Tall immediately.
Another incredible mind feat you can do is this. Many martial artists and professional athletes understand that accurate thinking can convince the mind that it has actually done something physical.
Accurately thinking through a complex movement can and does train the body to perform this movement. The mind cannot tell the difference between having done it or having thought about it.
I have been experimenting with this myself. 2 months ago I began doing mental bench presses. Although I cannot say my pecs are larger...they do look perkier. I will keep you posted.
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Affairlook New Radio Station Needs Singers
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Posted:May 5, 2008 3:32 pm
Last Updated:May 12, 2008 4:35 pm
4975 Views
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TallCo® is proud to announce that we are launching a NEW radio station right here on Affairlook. Our format has been so carefully thought out it will appeal to everyone, yet maintain an adult theme.
We'll play Pop Rock, Acid Country, Rhythm & Bluegrass, Mood , and everyone's favorite, Heavy Reggae.
You'll hear the timeless classics as well as brand new material. Who doesn't love:
• "Eatin' ain't cheatin"
• Grab my pole darlin' looks like I got a big one
• I fanned the flames of passion. Now I have no eyebrows.
Grab your handkerchief as you listen to these tear-jerkers:
• If the Phone Don’t Ring, It’s Me Not Calling You
• You’re the Reason Our Are So Ugly
• If You Can’t Live Without Me, Then Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?
• There Ain’t Enough Room in my underwear to Hold All My Lovin’ for You
• If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
• I’m Sorry I Made You Cry, But At Least Your Face Is Cleaner
• She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer,
and All Through the Night it Was Honor and Offer
My all time favorite love song:
• I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than have a frontal lobotomy
No you aren't dreaming. This can all happen right here on Affairlook. Of course, we need singers. Well, could use some material too. Sign up now before the Feds get involved.
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I Have A Solution For Us Old People...NOT Euthanasia!
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Posted:May 4, 2008 1:53 pm
Last Updated:May 12, 2008 3:40 pm
4399 Views
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As resident elder, and part-time orgasm surrogate for the really busy, I felt it was time to address the near over-running of us baby boomers in society. I am an old person and am entitled to comment on this. So...there's the disclaimer...no hate mail.
This problem became painfully apparent this morning. I had my daughters this weekend and I wanted to zip out and pickup something really healthy for breakfast before they awoke. So I'm standing in line with my donuts and it happened. I'm sure it has happened to you as well.
Here's an old toots (my age) standing there with a crapload of misc. goodies on the counter, wearing spandex pants that offended even me and a top that had a neckline plunging to just above her pubic hair. Nice look so far. The problem came with the announcement of her total. $37.43.
At that she exclaimed, "That's too much!" She had a handful of money and yet informed the poor cashier that she would have to give some items back. OK...my luck.
She gives back the $3 jar of moustache wax. Made sense to me. She give back the $12 economy-size carton of condoms. So far so good. And finally she gives back the 89¢ Chinese finger puzzle. You know, the little thing you put a finger in each end and you can't get out? She gave that back. At first I figured it was for a grandchild, but after the way she looked at me...flirtatious...I'm thinking it was intended as nipple cuffs. A visual I just didn't need.
I started thinking about this. Come to think of it...I have never been in line with an old-timer and no matter how many items they have...it always takes an hour and the light blinks at least once. A problem.
I began thinking of a solution. I am a marketing whiz you know. For example...if I was an exec for Helman's mayonnaise I would launch a major nationwide campaign. I'd cut the size of the jar by 80% and sell it for a nickel starting tomorrow. Yep...Cinco de Mayo. Convinced how good I am? Back to the problem at hand.
Were I in the WalMart biz here's what I would do:
I would install 2 lanes (aisle 4 and 5) exclusively for the elderly. They would have heated chairs that move along on a conveyor belt. There would be flat screen TVs every 5 feet playing episodes of Matlock and Lawrence Welk. Under each TV would be a highly paid actor that asks about their last doctor visit and about the grand .
Cleverly hidden nozzles would periodically spritz them will old people odor neutralizer that also rescents them with the fragrance of lilacs or Ben Gay. While they're distracted during the scenting process, they get catheterized to prevent future cleanups in aisle 5.
Now comes the great part. After their entire purchase is rung up...they are GIVEN money and told that the entire order was free. How you ask? Simple. During the scenting process highly trained pickpockets get the money needed for the purchase and give it to the cashier ahead of time.
See there. A simple solution. No need to give stuff back...it was FREE. If they happen to be particularly smart and want to give stuff back for MORE cash...no problem. During the catheter process we also installed an Invisible Fence collar on them. One zap from that puppy and they're moving.
You're probably wondering why an old person would write such a thing about other old people...himself included. Simple. Society needs this and tomorrow I won't remember writing it.
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Ever Had An Orgasm So Strong That You Hit Your Head On The Tub?
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Posted:May 2, 2008 5:12 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2008 7:35 am
4711 Views
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Larry the Cable Guy asked this question on his DVD and it make me start thinking. This is the first time I have ever heard another man talk to me about masturbation. Men just do not share certain info with other men! Period.
You see, men have a set of unwritten laws. All men know them. All men live by them. Yet, we were never taught these rules. I think it must be a genetic thing. Or maybe a throwback instinct thing. Possibly an ESP thing. Hmm, an ESPN thing maybe?
For example: if you ask another man about his oragsms...you must be a homo. If you mention your orgasms to another man...you must be a homo. If standing at a trough urinal and you glance at another man's package...you must be a homo. If you ask a question about masturbation–technique–frequency–assisting aparatus or material–or anything else of another man...you must be a homo.
I'm starting to think that maybe us guys are a little bit closed minded.
Socially, if you see two women kiss, no biggie. See two women dancing together, no biggie. See two women go to the restroom together, no biggie. See two men do any of that stuff together...must be homos.
I guess this implies being a homo is a fate worse than death. Is it? Richard Simmons seems happy. I wonder if maybe us guys just have really fragile egos? Maybe anything that is even remotely perceived as a threat to our masculinity is taboo.
I think I will take the lead here and speak out right now about my virility. As many of you know, I tell a lady up front..."I will not be the best sex you have ever had, however, I will be the funniest.". I accept that I am lousy in bed. How do I know this to be true?
Well, during sex women ask, "...mind if I change the TV?" They yawn. They make phone calls. They do their nails. I often catch them eating. They ask me if I learned this in prison. They fall asleep.
Hell, I fall asleep on myself when masturbating. That can't be good. I was going to suggest that maybe us guys need to lighten up a bit. But after reading about my sexual prowess...I think I'll just lock myself in the bathroom for a bit.
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And Today's Dumbass Is...
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Posted:Apr 30, 2008 12:31 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2008 5:53 pm
3974 Views
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I'm sure it comes as no shock to you to hear that I am a big fan of dumb asses. I love them. Who doesn't? In some small way, their boneheadedness makes me feel slightly more normal. And believe me, at my level of abnormal...slightly is a big leap.
This happened in Texas and was in the news today.
FORT WORTH -- An aspiring record label owner is singing the blues after he was arrested last week for allegedly trying to pass a $360 billion check at a Fort Worth bank.
Employees at the Chase Bank at 8601 S. Hulen St. grew suspicious after seeing all those zeros (10 to be exact) and called the check's owner. The woman said the suspect, Charles Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, is her ’s boyfriend and that he did not have permission to take the check or cash it.
Fuller was arrested on suspicion of fraud, along with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possession of marijuana after officers found less than 2 ounces of the drug and a .25-caliber handgun and magazine in his pockets.
While inside a patrol car, police say Fuller blurted out that he is starting his own record label and had been given the money by his girlfriend’s mother to help him start it.
Apparently breaking into the music business does not come cheap.
Luckily for him, bail was a lot less expensive. Fuller was released from Mansfield Jail on Thursday after posting $3,750 bail.
And you thought I was foolish.
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Today's Top 10 List
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Posted:Apr 28, 2008 6:51 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2008 5:45 pm
4417 Views
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A few weeks back I decided it was time to get back into shape. I use the pack rule. When the 6 pack turns into a 12 pack, no biggie. When it turns into a case I go into denial. When it becomes a keg I train.
This morning I decided to workout nude. There's a shocker since I am always nude. Anyway, I was doing jumping jacks and heard an odd slapping sound. I looked down and it was little Kenny. I immediately got in front of a mirror and continued. I have to admit that the floppage was impressive. HOWEVER...I quit when I saw what the rest of the package was doing. Here's a visual for you...my testicles looked like 2 bungee jumpers. Note to self: No more nude jumping jacks.
I thought about writing a tribute to many of our fellow bloggers. Here goes.
I have been hearing from many blonds that they get an unjust bum about their intelligence. They tell me that there are even jokes devoted solely to this very topic. Well, OK, if you say so. Crusader for the under as I am, Blonds Unite...I'm here for you! However, what you may be seeing as being picked on is actually a free license to do anything you want!
Today's Top Ten List. Top 10 Reasons To Become A blond.
11. If you get Alzheimer's your I.Q. increases
B. No matter what you do...people are amazed
40. Whenever you wear pigtails people assume they're handlebars
D. After a coffee break you can demand retraining
7. You can park in Handicapped space
Blue. You can return ugly scarf gift to store claiming it is too tight
G½. 4 words ... discounts from mind readers
!. If people complain about your body odor inform them no one sells Left Guard!
3. You can send postcards saying, "Having great time. Where am I?"
ƌ. You can question why hemophiliacs never seek acupuncture
and the number 1 reason to become a blond...
1. You can wake up under a cow and say..."You guys still here?"
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Don't Think Your Decisions Can Haunt You? They Can & Do
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Posted:Apr 27, 2008 5:12 pm
Last Updated:May 4, 2008 2:38 pm
4934 Views
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Remember back to 8th grade? That's exactly where my life took a wrong turn and maybe the same happened to others.
I had to take a battery of silly tests aimed at "steering" me into a career. Now tell me, what 8th grader has a clue what they plan on doing for the next 70 years? Granted in 8th grade I was 19, but still...who knows? Anyway, I took the tests like a good boy. However, I may not have been completely honest in my responses.
The tests came back, and one by one, we were called into the counselor's office to receive the news as to what career(s) we were best suited to perform for the rest of our lives. Seems there were only three things I could possibly be:
unemployed
a felon
a speed bump
The plan was working nicely.
At that moment all performance pressure was lifted. No one, and I mean NO ONE, expected much of anything from me. When the other students were given lab experiments and various apparatus, I was guided to a rounded corner and given a lug nut. Life was pretty simple. OK, I swallowed it a couple times and had to be rushed to the hospital, but aside from that all was simple. Hey, could have happened to anybody.
High school was pretty simple too. Calculus, English Literature, Chemistry...I don't think so. I had stuff like which block fit in which hole. OK, I swallowed a block and had to be rushed to the hospital, but aside from that it was pretty simple.
Then came college. I was accepted for one of two reasons I think. Either they felt sorry for me, or they felt this graduating class needed an asparagus. Business Administration...Finance... Accounting...I don't think so. I took stuff like IRS Forms Origami and Homicide Street Etching 101. OK, I swallowed the chalk and had to be rushed to the hospital, but aside from that college was pretty simple.
After graduation I decided that with all of my skills I wanted a career in entertainment. Looking back, I could have had a very successful career as a lead singer in a rock band had it not been for one thing. I have no talent. So, how could a mellonheaded nobody make it in show biz?
I'm still working on it and will keep you posted. Hmm...maybe my counselor was right!
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23
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Safe Exercise For Us Old Folks
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Posted:Apr 26, 2008 9:19 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2008 1:35 pm
4463 Views
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As Blogville's oldest health nut, and part-time orgasm donor, I thought I might pass this along.
Exercises For Old Folks
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can and try to reach a full minute. Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
Here's a cute brain exercise. Count the number of F's in the sentence below. Count ONLY once.
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
If you counted 3 you're average.
4 above average.
5 well about average.
6 you're a frickin genius.
The brain tricks us when we read the word OF in this exercise...the brain hears it as a V and doesn't see it.
Here's a cute one. This one must be done in your head...no using a calculator. Just follow the directions and add it up.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. And another 1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
Did you get 5000? Most people do. The real total is 4100. Ouch.
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Affairlook Exclusive: Rock Stars Are Not Always How They Seem !
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Posted:Apr 26, 2008 6:07 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2008 7:15 pm
3905 Views
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As most of you know, Tall always has his ear to the ground listening for the hottest scoop. Sure, he occasionally gets run over and trampled but it's worth it to bring you the latest gossip. Why does he do it? What possible reward does he get? Why am I speaking in the third person? I don't know.
This recent shot of Jessica Simpson certainly puts her in a different light. Very depressing indeed. On an up note, she did wash her hands.
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Affairlook EXCLUSIVE: Brad Without His Makeup !
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Posted:Apr 25, 2008 6:20 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2008 7:18 pm
3936 Views
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As you know, Tall rubs elbows with the stars. I was digging through some old photos and figured I'd share this one. Here's my buddy Brad without makeup.
Enjoy.
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To link to this blog (rm_talldarkavg1) use [blog rm_talldarkavg1] in your messages.
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