The Magic is Missing Edition
|
Posted:May 8, 2012 2:22 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2012 7:24 pm
11236 Views
|
So, my minions, I shall now try to recapture the magic which I wrote down earlier. I somehow doubt it will be as magical as I remember it to have been though.
Glancing around at a few blogs, I see that everybody who attended the Blogger's Bash in Chicago enjoyed themselves a great deal. I'm happy for all of you who got to meet and spend time with folks who, up until now, have probably just been a wad of hastily typed words to you.
I will remain a wad of hastily typed words for a while longer. gottaring banned me from entering Chicago, or I would definitely have been there. She's out to get me, I swear. I think that's the real reason she's now gone into hiatus. 
I know I call Larry and Roger, my testicular creations, everyone's favorite testicles, but I'm having my doubts. They don't seem to generate much buzz. By a show of hands, should I keep them around, or cancel their contract?
Want to feel extremely intelligent? Do homework with a 1st grader. You feel like Stephen fucking Hawkins comparatively speaking. I can't help but look at my eight year old and think, "How dumb do you have to be not to know that and don't let being eight years old be your excuse!". I'm completely joking of course. Maybe
Ladies... Want to make your man really happy and perhaps more attentive to your needs? Give him a just because blowjob every now and then.
Being a boy myself, I think I can speak for the other boys and say that we all think blowjobs are pretty fricking awesome!
Wait until your man least expects it, like during a small plumbing job around the house, and just drop his zipper and give him a Swirly with a Twist. He'll probably buy you chocalate or flowers without even realizing why soon after.
Can you tell I'm just slapping down anything that pops into my head right now? I couldn't remember the magical words I had written before they were electronically lost forever.
BEAST OUT
|
|
|
16
Comments
|
|
Testicle Tuesday with everyone's favorite testicles Edition
|
Posted:May 8, 2012 9:12 am
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2024 2:4 pm
10154 Views
|
I'm a bit upset at the moment. I wrote my usual length of drivel and dross only to be told I wasn't actually logged in when I hit the post button.
You get Larry and Roger for now. I'll try to recreate the magic I had written again later. Trust me. It was fricken magical!
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Military Secrets Edition!
|
Posted:May 7, 2012 4:51 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2012 4:00 pm
11153 Views
|
I was working on my laundry earlier and suddenly realized that some of my minions might benefit from my highly trained military background. I will now share with you one of the most closely guarded of our country's secrets.... how to fold a T-shirt.
Step 1: Lay the T-shirt out flat with any writing or logo on it facing down. If both sides are printed, either will do.
|
|
|
21
Comments
|
|
Do you smell a Squatch? Edition
|
Posted:May 7, 2012 12:07 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2012 10:33 pm
10346 Views
|
The Beast has discovered a rare gem of reality television my minions. If you've never seen an episode of Discovery Channel's Finding Bigfoot, you're missing out on the same treat I was.
The show follows a group of four Bigfoot hunters from state to state as they attempt to prove the existence of nature's most elusive creature, the Sasquatch! They of course refer to the critters as a Squatch.
As a matter of fact, the "researchers" use the term Squatch much like smurfs use the word smurf. Things are squatchy, they go squatching, something smells squatcherific, etc...
This show is a non-stop barrel of monkey laughs. You've got to watch at least one episode, or your lives won't be complete. You can do it now, as you read and write your blogs. Pull up the Discovery Channel website and find the Finding Bigfoot section. You can play full episodes right here on your computer for your convenience.
One of the researchers determines each episode; based on the type of geography, plants, and waterways, and the fact the location has a history of being "haunted" that every area they visit is rife with Sasquatch activity. It's surprising they don't just sit on your sofa and watch television themselves... maybe even Finding Bigfoot episodes.
They were viewing a video shot by some teenagers who wanted to capture the bonfire they started near the woods on film for whatever reason. In the background a figure can be seen walking from right to left across the scene.
One of the researchers went from doubt to certainty in the span of a single breath. To paraphrase him, it went something like this.
"That could easily have been one of your own group who walked by on that side of the fire. It may have been a Squatch. It was absolutely a Squatch, no doubt about it!"
These guys can turn any piece of "evidence" into a definite link to Bigfoot activity.
"You see this depression in the grass here? This could only have been made by a mountain lion, or a squatch." Apparently those are the only two critters who sleep on the ground in the wilderness.
That depression in the grass. One of the team actually got down on his hands and knees and began sniffing deeply all around it. I guess he's well versed in the odors left behind by a sleeping Sasquatch. I can only imagine it would smell furry and have the lingering aroma of wild berry farts.
A couple members of this research team are also adept at mimicking the bellowing call of the woodland man-ape-bear-thing. They will separate into groups while searching and fool each other into believing they've located a Squatch. One group will hear a bellow in the distance only to learn over their radios that it was made by the other group. Occasionally though, neither splinter group will have made the call, at which point they all get extremely exited about the possibility that it was made by the real deal.
They stumble through the woods with their night vision and listening equipment, but never luck upon a sleeping Bigfoot.
It's also great to hear them, as they drive to a new location, swapping stories and reminiscing about past squatching exploits. "Hey, remember that time we nearly found and proved the existence of Bigfoot? I sure hope we nearly find and prove the existence of Bigfoot again on this trip."
The really amazing aspect of this show is that it was popular enough to make it to season 2 so far. I can only imagine people keep tuning in for the sheer amusement of it all.
At any rate. Do yourself a favor and watch at least one episode. I think you'll find it as entertaining as I did.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Improve your Squatch hunting techniques with OneStrangeBeast's Bigfoot Tracking Program.
Today's Helpful Hint: "Experts" say that a creature the size of a Sasquatch would require somewhere in the neighborhood of 5,000 calories per day to sustain itself. I recommend conducting your search in the nearest 7-11, near the nachos and chili bar.
|
|
|
8
Comments
|
|
The Captain met the public....and they loved him! Edition
|
Posted:May 4, 2012 10:01 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2012 7:53 am
12127 Views
|
I can't post most of the pictures I took tonight since I don't have the permission of the folks I took them with and most were anyway.
I'll just say that my costume was a smashing success and many people asked to have a picture taken with me. One little girl was actually squeeling with delight.
Some poor guy walked in with a cheap plastic Captain America mask and a one foot diameter shield made for . He glanced up and saw me and I think he cried just a little bit.
|
|
|
19
Comments
|
|
A boy and his... Edition
|
Posted:May 3, 2012 6:24 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2012 5:10 pm
11750 Views
|
.... used to be dog. Like nearly everything else in my life, she kept the when we split as well.
This boxer still loves me more than anybody else though. It took me about 30 tries to get her to look at the camera before i gave up. She kept trying to lick my face.
I have my tickets to the 9:30 p.m. showing of The Avengers tomorrow night with a small group of friends, but I think Mr. Jones and I will go to the midnight showing tonight as well. I luckily live near a theatre that few people seem to know about, so it's never packed.
Everybody have a great night.
BEAST OUT
|
|
|
19
Comments
|
|
The Real Reason NASA Discontinued the Shuttle Program Edition
|
Posted:May 3, 2012 12:09 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2012 5:11 pm
10140 Views
|
Unlike many other men around here, I will give you all fair warning that if you scroll down, you will see a penis. It's my penis, so it's not too big and scary, but a penis nontheless. If you do not wish to view a humorous penis photo, please exit the burrow now.
Thank-you
BEAST OUT
|
|
|
10
Comments
|
|
Thin Thursday Edition
|
Posted:May 3, 2012 10:46 am
Last Updated:May 4, 2012 9:51 pm
9965 Views
|
So I started to write up a lengthy tirade against Superman today before realizing that it would probably just bore everybody who isn't a comic book geek like myself to death.
Then I began to write a list of special perks that come with having a certain status, and that fell flat on its face before it made it out the door.
I'm left with giving you another sampling of the Larry and Roger show.
I did just go and buy 5 tickets to The Avengers for tomorrow night at 9:30. Two of the people I bought them for backed out within 30 minutes of me buying them. I swear I have the worst bunch of crap excuse for friends in the real world a man could ask for. My minions are far more reliable and don't smell nearly as bad.
My next project (besides an even better version of my Captain America suit)is going to be a Flash costume. I won't drag that one out with teaser pictures for months on end. It's a far simpler costume to make, so I'll probably just wait until it's finished and take photos then.
We still need more volunteers to write a chapter in The Epic of Bloggermesh if any new arrivals are interested. It's only 500 words, give or take, Anybody can manage that while sitting on the toilet. I'm looking forward to doing some cheesy illustrations for each of the chapters. I figure I can get at least 2 visuals for each chapter on paper and then tie it all together and get them printed up at a shop with a cover and everything.
My advice and information line is still open if anybody wants to take advantage of it. It might help me to think of some new topics to write about if people write in requests.
That's all for now. Everybody gear up for the movie! We only have a short wait left. I'll be sure to get a couple shots of me while at the theatre, hopefully signing autographs for or something reasonably cool.
BEAST OUT
|
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
Hump Day Edition
|
Posted:May 2, 2012 11:27 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2012 7:12 pm
10099 Views
|
Another day, another chance to make a minion smile. That's what it's really about here in the burrow. Sure there's the waiting on The Beast hand and foot while wearing toilet paper uniforms, but I like to make sure you're happy while you're doing it.
I think I've gotten The Epic of Bloggermesh back on track more or less. Our latest writer banged out her chapter in less than a day. If we can get that flow going again, we'll be finished in a relatively short amount of time.
So the medical folks have drawn enough blood from my veins the past few weeks to build an unstoppable Beast Brigade of cloned me. That's almost as frightening a thought as the coming Zombie Apocalypse I suspect will originate with Canadians combining bacon with the perfect combination of chemicals to induce an undead, flesh desiring state of existence.
Today I'm back for a second audio-gram. Apparently all those years being around loud machinery and tools has lessened my threshold for a number of decibels and tones. Hopefully they're the tones that pick up certain types of music and the whine of overly zealous bible thumpers.
I've turned over a new leaf with the turning of the month. I'm going to procrastinate less on things I should get done in a timely manner. Hopefully getting things out of the way early will free up even more free time later on.
Yup... Appears on top of everything else, I'm also deaf. They want me to have a third appointment with the audiologist himself now. Premium parking, here I come.
I'm going to cut this edition a bit short today. The Beast has a few errands that need seeing to and with my newly turned leaf, I can no longer procrastinate on those things which need doing. Maybe my weekends will be much more open to fun and excitement that I can share with my if i'm not always using the time to catch up on things that should have been done during the week.
Everybody take care. All of you gearing up for the Blogger's Bash, I hope you have a great time. I wish I could join you all in the festivities. Maybe the next time around I'll be in a position to join you in the festivities.
BEAST OUT
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
|
|
The Campaign Trail Edition
|
Posted:May 1, 2012 11:24 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2012 12:06 pm
11165 Views
|
Good Morning Minions! It's morning at least as I begin writing this.
I'm getting very excited about finally getting to watch The Avengers while dressed in the garb of the Majestic Captain America!
Can you believe I'm already in the process of making an even better version of the suit to hopefully wear to my favorite nightclub's yearly Halloween party?
Just a couple of the improvements will be - Real leather boots which are comfortable and quiet vs. The cheap, costume boots which are very noisy to walk in. Real leather gloves vs. Marine vinyl. I'll have better dexterity and they'll look even more authentic.
Today is random, odd question day. I would like to canvass all of you to determine...
1 ). How many of you have heard of Van Camp's Beanee Weenee brand franks and beans?
2 ). How many of you have actually eaten Van Camp's Beanee Weenee brand franks and beans?
Neither question is of any really great importance. I'm just trying to get a feel for the franks and beans situation out there across the land.
I'm currently waiting to get yet another series of blood vials drawn from my veins for retirement purposes. I'm starting to think they're stockpiling my blood in order to use it to grow an entire ship's worth of sailors from my DNA.
Not to toot my own horn, but that would be the cleanest, best maintained, hardest working ship and crew the world has ever seen.
I really do hate the fact that I got pulled from a great position back in September and thrown into my current hole where I essentially do nothing all day. I wanted to go out as strongly as I came in and these past months have been the lowlight of my career.
I hope the campaign posters I'm working on for mine and KarlBloggerfeld's co vice presidential bid strike a positive chord with the public. If we get elected to office, we're going to make some dramatic changes to this country.
I'm pretty sure Karl is going to legalize cock fighting as long as it's held in a pen behind a KFC, Popeye's, or Church's chicken establishment. His reasoning is that at least the birds will be put to good (delicious) work once the fights are finished.
We're also looking into several ways to stimulate job growth. There must be at least half a dozen things mostly naked women can do besides dance around a pole.
We're working all of the angles, sticking our noses into the situation, getting our lips and teeth firmly around the problem, and feel confident some resolutions will be reached.
OK... That's all for this edition of The Book. I hope you all have wonderful days/evenings. Take care of yourselves, and your significant others.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Improve you blogging knowledge with OneStrangeBeast's correcting of a Widely Believed Falsehood Program.
Today's Falsehood: Baby birds which are handled by human hands will then be rejected by the adult parent birds.
Most birds have very weak senses of smell, and more than likely won't detect your human stench on their chick. Even if they do detect that their baby has been touched by another creature, why would they abandon them for that reason?
Baby birds taken home by humans after falling from nests have an extremely low chance of survival, so just let them be, and nature will correct the problem.... one way or another.
|
|
|
13
Comments
|
|
Need a writer please Edition
|
Posted:Apr 30, 2012 9:29 pm
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2024 2:4 pm
9599 Views
|
Ok. The Epic of Bloggermesh has had a series of setbacks recently. We started off strong with a chapter a day, but have come to a standstill the past few weeks. The last couple of writers got too busy to work with it.
I need a vilunteer that can devote the time to banging out a 500 word chapter A.S.A.P.
The volunteers left as of now are
bazzarkt07
_safira
dirtygirl411
justme48906
If any of you have the time to get right on it, please let me know. If any new arrivals want in on it, let me know that as well. If you don't know what I'm talking about... it's a story several of us have been working on as a group. 500 words per chapter. A new writer each chapter. Each writer only gets to see the chapter before their own.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
5 Wonderful Ways to Enter Edition
|
Posted:Apr 30, 2012 3:08 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2012 11:06 am
9774 Views
|
Today, my toilet paper clad horde, I'll be wrapping up a series of posts that have covered several burrows... Errrr... Blogs.
Jules1590 led us off by posting a few thoughts on dying on her own terms. I followed her up with my top 10 preferred methods to depart my Earthly shell, and KarlBloggerfeld gave us his list of not so desired methods of kicking the bucket.
I'd like to bring things full circle today with my list of some of the coolest ways a person could be born. I tried to choose locations and circumstances that would prepare a person for the challenges life can throw your way.
1 ). To be spat from the womb of a woman free falling during a sky dive. If your first experience outside the comfort zone of your mother's innards is plummeting earthwards at terminal velocity, everything else should seem like cake.
Not having learned the dangers of gravity yet might limit an infant's understanding of the true scope of their dilemma, but the overall experience should still teach a valuable first lesson.
Ensure there are a couple fully qualified sky diving wet nurses on hand to safely catch the newborn prior to impact.
2 ). To be delivered immediately adjacent to a live volcano as it spews rivers of flaming, molten rock and precious metals. This method would teach a newborn to have a healthy respect for both the Earth, as well as Mother Nature.
A few readily available fire extinguishers, a large tub of cool water, and possibly an economy sized tube of burn ointment would be the key items to have on hand to ensure a smooth delivery.
3 ). For your first vision of the harsh new world you've entered, try being delivered on the banks of a drought tightened, alligator infested river where the hunting has been severely diminished for months.
The greeting you will receive from our reptilian brethren and sistren will be both cold-blooded, and filled with widely grinning mouths, delighted to make your acquaintance.
A bucket of raw steaks is the preferred tool to help the medical team and the newly arrived humanoid make their escape once the umbilical is cut.
4 ). To fully appreciate the species that you yourself are now joining in the struggle for survival, see if you can't be born on the front lines of just about any minor to medium level dispute between nations.
There are international treaties and signed agreements fully established to guarantee innocent, civilian bystanders shall not be harmed, so you should be just fine.
5 ). My final locale for being born, and I truly feel this is the star of the show, is to be born to circus folk, under the big top.
You'll immediately begin to learn a valuable trade, travel the country, and experience untold wonders. You'll also be raised by a varied assortment of individuals who will each bestow their unique point of view onto you.
I'm sure you'll turn out just fine.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Expand your blogging knowledge with OneStrangeBeast's Little Known Facts of the Circus Program.
Today's Topic: Lingo. A Brodie is an accidental fall which has an element of clumsiness or stupidity. It was named after Mr. Steve Brodie, who claimed to have survived a jump from the Brooklyn Bridge in 1886.
|
|
|
7
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (OneStrangeBeast) use [blog OneStrangeBeast] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
271
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
