Wrong holiday season
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Posted:Dec 8, 2015 4:38 am
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2015 4:47 am
6666 Views
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Giving Up Sex?!
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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.
The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.
The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knocking with?"
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2
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Pirate Pick-up lines
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Posted:Dec 6, 2015 6:03 am
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2015 4:29 pm
6672 Views
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Pirate Pick-up Lines
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"I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest."
"Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber."
"See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby."
"Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?"
"Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded."
"I've hidden booty all over the Caribbean -- but never have I seen one like yours!"
"That's NOT my parrot talking, Sweetie!"
"That's a lovely pair of 8-pounders you have there."
"My peg-leg's ribbed for your pleasure."
"Why not climb my main mast and I'll visit your crow's nest."
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2
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Maybe we are still in Kansas
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Posted:Dec 5, 2015 5:47 am
Last Updated:Dec 5, 2015 7:51 pm
6414 Views
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News Report
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A farmer outside of Kingman, Kansas has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately, he's had a lot of trouble with squatters.
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2
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That darn size thing again
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Posted:Dec 3, 2015 4:28 am
Last Updated:Dec 5, 2015 7:51 pm
6402 Views
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Bar Chatter
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Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
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1
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Whatever works
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Posted:Dec 2, 2015 4:27 am
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2015 4:27 am
6181 Views
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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone
and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer!!!
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2
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Men are like that
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Posted:Dec 1, 2015 4:40 am
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2015 4:19 am
6182 Views
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Two men were drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender overhears this and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar.
The second man says, "What, are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen!"
The first man says, "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second man says, "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."
The first man says, "No, it isn't. I'll prove it again!" And again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The second man says, "Well, what the heck, it works, I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, and passes the 11th...10th...9th...8th....7th...6th...5th...4th...3rd...2nd...1st... And hits the sidewalk with a huge splat.
Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
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2
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Which statements are true?
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Posted:Nov 25, 2015 4:58 am
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2015 6:58 pm
6855 Views
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It has been a good week. I never buy lottery tickets but I did this week and won, nine digits. I was hit on by two attractive flight attendants and joined the mile high club with both. I turned 56. That research paper finally attracted some attention, move over general relativity, hello Nobel prize. Thanks for the job offer NASA; I've always wanted to visit Mars. The Packers liked my 40 and vertical jump, looks like I'll be missing Thanksgiving dinner to play the Bears.
Prof
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3
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Knowing the future
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Posted:Nov 23, 2015 4:42 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2015 8:28 pm
6667 Views
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Crystal Ball
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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, women tend to like this joke...
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1
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Glad I'm not that old, yet
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Posted:Nov 22, 2015 6:47 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2015 4:40 am
6976 Views
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After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators". I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot .
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1
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Aye, Captain
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Posted:Nov 20, 2015 4:37 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2015 10:27 pm
7012 Views
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A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"
The next batter hits a single.
The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!".
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls: "Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, run!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, “He can't run -- he has four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
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1
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The Dairy State?
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Posted:Nov 19, 2015 4:21 am
Last Updated:Nov 19, 2015 4:47 pm
6777 Views
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The Milking Gear (Adult)
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A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
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2
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Glad you asked
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Posted:Nov 18, 2015 4:39 am
Last Updated:Nov 18, 2015 3:27 pm
6458 Views
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I was chatting with a couple who asked me what do I want. Perhaps it is the same for others but rather than wanting some specific act or look or age I want most what I don't or can't currently have. The list if far from all inclusive but I want:
often rather than occasional;
extended rather than cursory;
younger or older rather than the same;
playful rather than perfunctory;
adventuresome rather than predictable.
Prof
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1
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Raining men?
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Posted:Nov 18, 2015 4:13 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2015 10:28 pm
6552 Views
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Three woman always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet.
All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
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