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Red 3/26/2007
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when
suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and,
holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm
going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her
picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at
him and said, "No, you're not. You're going
to eat me, just like it says in the ...
0 Comments, 133 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Pinocchio 3/26/2007
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he
could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper
wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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To Be An Alaskan 3/26/2007
This Texan did not like to be in the second largest state
he wanted to be in the largest state. So he came to Alaska
and asked an Alaskan how he could become an Alaskan. The
alaskan said there are three things you must do. (1) You
must piss in the Yukon River (2) Then you must make love to
an Eskimo woman (3) You must then fight a Polar Bear. The
Texan than said ok. After a few weeks the Texan ...
1 Comments, 86 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Army Airborne 3/26/2007
The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you
should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten
to the part about reserve parachutes when another student
raised his hand. "If the main parachute malfunctions, "
he asked, "how long do we have to deploy the reserve?"
Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor
replied, "The rest of your life."
3 Comments, 102 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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joke 3/24/2007
a couple is sitting at the breakfast table when the wife
says hun do u know this is our 50ith anniversary and her husband
says yes i know and she says do u remember when we were younger
and used to have breakfast completely naked why dont we
do that know so he agrees she tells him her tits get hot for
him even after all these years and he says well of course
they ar u have one in your coffee and ...
3 Comments, 121 Views,
10 Votes
,4.38 Score
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Swinging 3/24/2007
Two couples are out camping in the woods. They have known
each other for a long time. One of the husbands suggested
to the other three. "Let's try swapping".
All of them thought it would be fun and agreed. That night they switched partners. After a wild sex that totally exhausted him, he said, "That
was really great. Hey, do you think the wives are enjoying
as much as we are?"
2 Comments, 198 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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Slut and bitch 3/24/2007
What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with anyone
except you.
1 Comments, 112 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Really Bad 3/23/2007
West Virginia pick-up lines > > 1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away. > > 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
> > 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold
it in. > > 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign
you out. > >5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself
in em. > > 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store
my nuts in yer ...
3 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Blonde! 3/22/2007
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into
a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking
lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.
He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the ...
3 Comments, 156 Views,
13 Votes
,5.16 Score
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, you got to love em 3/19/2007
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know the cat as dead?" she asked him.
"Because i pissed in it's ear and it didn't
move, " answered the innocently.
"You did WHAT!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, " explained the boy, "i leant
over and went 'Pssst', and it didn't move."
4 Comments, 232 Views,
11 Votes
,5.22 Score
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Ventriloquist 3/18/2007
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in the elks lodge #2309.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual
dumb blond jokes when a blond woman, we'll call her
Maureen, in the forth row, stands on a chair and shouts:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes!
What makes you think that you can stereotype women that
way? What ...
0 Comments, 138 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN 3/18/2007
1. “Fine” This is the word women use at the end of any argument when
they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you
argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER
use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This
will cause you to have one of those arguments.) 2. “Five minutes” This is half an hour. It is equivalent to ...
1 Comments, 148 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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What is it? 3/18/2007
Hey bet you can't answer this one!
What gets longer when pulled................
Fits between your boobs..............
Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked?........................
scroll down to find the answer.....
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\/ ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Blonde Joke 3/17/2007
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little amused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has
been buying the stuff from drug stores on a regular basis and would like
some more.
I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't
have any", "But I always buy ...
0 Comments, 167 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
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Old Military Humor 3/17/2007
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial
flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled
off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently,
in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married,
two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through
a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Government Job 3/16/2007
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes, "he says, "I was in Vietnam for three
years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points
toward employment, " and then asks, "Are you
disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%...a mortar round exploded
near me and blew my testicles off."
The ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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Paperless 3/16/2007
After my speech at a tech conference on Tips for Going Paperless,
I open the floor to questions. I have one, said a man. Where
are the handouts?
0 Comments, 77 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Slogans 3/16/2007
(1) Seen on the side of a garage truck, Purveyors of Fine
Used Foods. (2) On a One Flush Plumbing truck, One Flush
Beats a Full House. (3) On a sign outside Mac's, a sporting
goods store, A Tulsa Tradition Since Last Month.
0 Comments, 59 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Surgeon 3/16/2007
One of our surgeons recently suggested to a patient that
he have a benign growth removed. Will it be expensive? asked
the patient. About $400, the doctor replied. Is it a dangerous
operation? The doctor scoffed, I don't do dangerous
for $400.
0 Comments, 81 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Christians 3/16/2007
Going over our church finances, I found a receipt from a
local paint store signed by someone named Christian. I
wasn't aware of anyone buying paint, so I called the
store to point out its mistake. I'am sorry, I told the
manager, but there are no Christians here at Frist Baptist
Church.
0 Comments, 78 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Titanic 3/16/2007
A teacher, a dustman and a lawyer find themselves waiting
outside the pearly gates. Eventually, St Peter emerges and informs them that in order
to get to heaven, they'll each have to answer one question.
St Peter turns to the teacher. "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They made a movie about it." The teacher answers quickly, "That would be Titanic."
St Peter lets him ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Aftershave! 3/16/2007
A Navy chief and an Admiral are sitting in a Barbershop They have both just finished having a shave, and the barber
reaches for some aftershave. "Hey! Don't put that stuff on me!" the Admiral
shouts. "My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"
The chief turns to his barber and says: "Go ahead and
put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel
smells like."
0 Comments, 53 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Ladies night out 3/16/2007
Bar - Ladies Night Out! >> Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night
Club. >> One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us,
so she pulled out > a >> 10 bill >> >> When the male dancer came over to us, my friend
licked the 10 bill > and >> stuck it to his butt cheek! >> >> Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a 20
bill. >> >> She called the guy back, licks the 20 bill, and ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Best Blonde Joke of the Year! 3/11/2007
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight
to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut &
stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the
mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.
As the man was getting ready to ...
0 Comments, 124 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score
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"Sweet" revenge 3/11/2007
A young woman and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's
her turn to buy a round, she tells him of a wonderful new drink
that he simply must try. She returns with the usual lager
for herself but for him she has two glasses and a salt shaker.
One glass contains a measure of Bailey's Irish Cream,
and the other has lime juice. "Okay, what you have
to do is put a large pinch of salt on your ...
0 Comments, 116 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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Mathematician and his wife 3/11/2007
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain
needs, which you are no longer able to satisfy, I am otherwise
happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not
be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at that Grand Hotel with my 18 year
old teaching assistant. ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Hilary Clinton's Grammar School Visit 3/11/2007
Hillary Clinton was spending the morning at a primary school
to talk to the about her job as a US Senator.
After her talk, she offered question time. One little boy
raises his hand and Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: first - whatever happened
to you medical health care plan? Second - why would you ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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rooster and cat 3/11/2007
There was a cat and a rooster wondering by the lake.Both
were famished looking for any food they could find, later
on the rooster found himsle focusing apon a worm inching
its way near by.The rooster the proceeds to pounce oon the
worm eating it quickly then resting after his meal, he
rubs his belly with pure satisfacation.The cat looks at
the rooser and thinks to himself well if he can do it so ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Introduction 3/11/2007
A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he
noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black
guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7
foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!!
The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought
him to, slapping his face and shaking ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A WOMAN 3/11/2007
THIS GUY COMES INTO THE BAR AND TAKES A SEAT ANNOUNCING THAT
HE IS BUYING DRINKS FOR EVERYONE. HIS MULTI MILLIONAIRE FATHER IS ABOUT TO DIE WITHIN THE
NEXT TWO WEEKS AND HE IS GOING TO INHERIT IT ALL. THIS IMPRESSED THIS GORGEOUS WOMAN WHO AGREED TO GO HOME
WITH HIM. WITHIN THE NEXT THREE DAYS THE MAN COMES BACK TO THE BAR WITH
THE SAME GORGEOUS WOMAN ONLY NOW SHE IS HIS STEPMOTHER.
3 Comments, 211 Views,
12 Votes
,4.92 Score
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