Lurking in the darkness....and trying to find the way out...
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Posted:Jan 24, 2006 1:51 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
9292 Views
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I had rec'd an email from Tiller today...BTW.....She's fine...all is well.
Anyway...as I wrote to her in reply I decided I might as well share with you all what's been lurking in the darkness of ~~ Slide ~~
So, here is part of what I sent to Till's.
Meanwhile..back at the ranch...I am struggling with my own self inflicted crap.
IE: I'm madder 'n hell at myself for leaving my old job...the one I was at for 11 years.
Still haven't gotten any back pay from the ex-employer. Just lip service. My motivation just doesn't seem to be here right now...yet I know that I have to do something.
My problem is....getting past my depression over it all...and taking those steps. I have all the right tools to overcome this....but being human... I guess I need to wallow in it a bit.
I know I need to sit down in front of my Buddhist alter and chant my ass off....for at least an hour a day....maybe more. I need to follow the advice or encouragement I've given to other people. But... I feel better helping someone else...than I do for myself.
I am pretty good at supporting other people and offering what little pearls of wisdom I have in this or that situation...but applying it to myself...is another matter all together.
Isn't it curious...how people are like that?
Job hunting sucks. Truth of the matter is, is that I don't want to work for someone...I don't like anyone watching over my back. I just want to know what the task is then leave me the hell alone and let me do it.
I've thought many times about trying to come up with a way to work for myself doing what I do best...warranty submittal...but haven't a clue how to go about making that happen.
I'm just not ...an entrepreneur sort of person. Plus the $$$ to get it started. How to figure what to charge a if I were able to find them.
I'm stuck in a rut not knowing what I want to do, versus what I can do. Which then causes me to doubt whether I can do anything at all and be of value to some company. I wonder if I'm as good as I thought I was...or was it more just in my head.
I have only myself to blame for this one....and only myself will get past it....if I use the tools at my disposal. I guess when I'm done kicking myself and find it within the depths of my being to forgive myself maybe I can find my way out.
Except...
It feels like the light is a long, long way off and the tunnel is very deep...I've got a lot of work ahead of me. Now it's just a matter of picking the right tool for the job....isn't it?
Anyone have any tools they don't mind lending?
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I love .....
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Posted:Jan 23, 2006 5:54 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
9112 Views
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I totally love this show....
~ 24 ~
It's gonna be another good season. Any body else out there that like it too?
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January 19, 1930
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Posted:Jan 19, 2006 7:09 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
9961 Views
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My dad would have been 76 years old today.
He and I didn't exactly have the best relationship between a father and a .
In fact I honestly can't ever remember having heard him tell me he loved me. He didn't really know how to show love...and he didn't know how to discipline without beating one of us half to death....or so it seemed at the time.
I am the oldest of the 5 of us. I have a sister and 3 brothers. We were the 5 J's.
Jean, Jo, Jim, John and Jeff.
My mother would stand at the door and holler..each of our names when it was time to come in for dinner or just plain time to come in. She'd holler just once and wait...I suppose maybe 5 or 6 min's... don't know.. I was busy bein a .
If we didn't come a runnin when she called...then we'd hear... our dad... "WHISTLE"....and that was our 1 and only last warning to get into the house.
From what my mom has told me through the years, my dad apparently had a hard time growing up. His mother...my grandmother...didn't treat him very well.
I guess when he was just a ...she would literally tie him up like some sort of a dog...to the clothes line outside while she did the washing and ironing of other peoples clothes. She didn't have the time to care for him...she had clothes to wash. It was part of the way she earned a living back then.
Neighbors of my grandmother had shared this story with my mom. I remember when she told me about it for the first time...how sad I felt for my dad.
No wonder I often thought..no wonder he didn't know how to show us he loved us...he hadn't been shown how by his mother.
As I grew up, and because I was the oldest...it seemed that I was the one who got it the most. I was the one my sister and brothers watched and made their mental notes to themselves about what NOT to do.
I'm not going to go into all the beatings...and there were plenty....and...they were bad...I will say that once he knocked me out...that one was the worst....but they got it too...just not quite as bad as I did.
I grew up hating my dad....I dreaded hearing that old Studaker truck of his turning the corner and coming up the street at the end of his work day.
By the time we were all in our teens and my brothers were in their pre-teens... we learned what sort of stuff pissed him off and we learned how to read his body language...how to read the expressions on his face when he walked through the door....we learned what kind of MOOD he was in by the tone of his voice....and we walked on egg shells...boy did we walk on egg shells.
We got to be expert egg shell walkers. We also, learned to avoid him in any and every way possible. You've never seen 5 scatter to their rooms or to the backyard or the living room faster. Little by little...we'd venture out to the kitchen...walking on egg shells.
Once I turned 17.. I discovered that if I had a boyfriend... my dad wouldn't beat me. So I always made sure I had a boyfriend.
My last boyfriend of my youth...became my first (and only -- so far)husband. I married him for all the wrong reasons. I married him so I could get out from under my dads roof.
We've all heard that..haven't we.."while your living under my roof..it's going to be this way". Maybe we've said it ourselves...to our ..huh? Makes sense..my house, my rules...I'm the one feeding and clothing you...providing shelter.
Anyway... I get married.. I'm barely 18...2 weeks out of high school. Now..I didn't have to get married... I wasn't pregnant...but I got married to get away from my dad.
3 days later.. I realize...I don't love my husband...what the hell am I doing? I call my mom...and I'm crying...and she tells me I'm just nervous...and it'll be ok...just give it some time. So...I gave it some time. 3 years later... I have a ...I do so love my ... but I still didn't exactly love my husband.
This link will give you a little
better understanding about that
Was I wrong
So, I stick with it and gave it more time.
About 2 years later...I decide...I can't do this anymore. I'm 23 years old...I've never had a job in my life. But...I've got to get out and I do. I move back to Az. from Ca. and in with my mom temporarily. I've no car and hardly any money.
All I had was my , 3 suitcases...and $75.00
My dad...by now....has grown... or maybe it was because I had grown. He was different...and I was for sure way different....I wasn't just a anymore...but I was also a mom...and he was a Grandpa.
He was just plain COOL..
Now, my mom and dad...divorced when I was 19 but they had always remained close. So the 2 of them went in together and bought me a car. It was a 1969 Ford Fairlane or something like that.... ugliest car you've ever seen... light pea green, 4 door sled. Gas gauge didn't work, heater didn't work, no a/c...but it was transportation.
My ex husband and I hadn't divorced just yet...but we were in the process and ...there were still a lot of things I didn't have and still needed...like important papers, pictures...the rest of my clothes and my 's clothes...certain keep sakes, stuff I had left in Ca.
So my dad and I take a road trip. We drove up on a Sunday...stayed the night at a really cheap motel....and the next morning....I called the house to see if he was there...and he wasn't...he was gone to work. So, we went to the house... we got what I wanted and needed....and packed the back of my dads truck til it was full and then headed for home.
We didn't do a lot of talking...but we sure did listen to a lot of country music...and we laughed a lot.
Getting divorced was proving to be a very difficult thing... my ex-husband wanted custody and of course...so did I. We battled back and forth for months....until finally one day...my dad picked up the phone and said to my ex....
"Sign the mother fucking papers...or I'll come out there with a baseball bat".
Nuff said...the fear of God instilled.... the ex did.. and ~~ POOF ~~ shortly thereafter... we were divorced. Done deal. I got custody and he got pretty liberal visitation rights. He also got off damn cheap for support. Back then he only had to pay $125.00 a month...and it didn't have to go through the court system. Wasn't monitored at all for compliance.
So, now that I have all that out of the way... I went looking for a job...and I found one fairly quick. Shortly after I started working...my dad met a woman and he moved in with her....but he had a dilema...his apartment lease was not up.
So...he gave me his apartment, and he helped me move in....all was good.
I have my ..I have a job, a car...and my own place.
However...being a single mom... money was always very tight and my ex husband didn't always send support. It was a constant battle between he and I.
Then that first Christmas and New Years after we were divorced he asked if our could come out for the entire month of January. His sister would pick her up and drive her out to Ca. I wasn't wild about letting her go, but I did.
When the month was up and she was to be flown home... I get a call from him saying...he wasn't going to let her come home. I made too much money according to DES and not enough money to afford a lawyer. I was stuck..or felt stuck... and didn't know what to do... this went on for nearly 9 months. Finally my dad said... that he and I would go out there.. and we would "snatch" her back, because every time I called to talk to her... he wouldn't let me. Well... we did.. we snatched her back... My dad... got my back for me....and off we went... with dust flyin. My ex was pissed...but his wife calmed him down....and we didn't have any more trouble after that.
My dad... and I became bud's. He became the dad he should've been when I was growing up. He came to my rescue more times than I can count since those early days I came back home. I finally loved my dad. I finally respected my dad.... I finally needed my dad....and he needed not only me..but the rest of us too.
I have tons and tons of funny memories of my dad. He was a character, he had charisma...he was street smart...common sense smart... and a damn good car mechanic. He used to race cars...he used to work for a famous Indy car driver... he knew how to do just damn near anything... and he could fix nearly damn near anything. He was funny, really, really funny. He kinda looked a lot like Johnny Carson. He had that same kind of sparkle in his eye.
When he was diagnosed with bladder cancer shortly after his birthday in 1991 he came to the dealership I was working at and he came in calm, cool... collected like he always had...and he said for me to come outside..he needed to talk to me. He told me he had just been diagnosed with cancer and for me not to worry, because he didn't know just how bad it was yet...but in a few days he was going to go and have a biopsy...then we'd know.
It wasn't good news... he didn't have long to live. He tried chemotherapy but it just made him so sick. I took him for chemo once...and I remember I had to drive really slow...because he was getting motion sickness.
He quit having chemo and opted for quality over quantity. 1 week before he died....I knew I had to forgive him... I knew he needed to know how he made me feel when I was growing up and he needed to know that I forgive him.
So, I wrote and I wrote and I poured every ounce of everything I ever felt into that letter....and I forgave him....and I let him know that even though he couldn't say he loved me.... I knew he did...and that I loved him too.
He died May 15th, 1991 not even 4 months after he was diagnosed...and his name was Keith.
He didn't know how to say it... but he knew how to show it.
Happy birthday Dad! I miss you..and I still love you.
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3 wishes...
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Posted:Jan 18, 2006 12:35 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
9331 Views
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This would be nice............
--Three guys --
A Canadian farmer,
Osama bin Laden,
and an American engineer
Are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish,
which is three wishes total,"
says the Genie.
The Canadian says,
"I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.
**Pooooof!**
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said,
"I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
**Pooooof!**
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says,
"I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains,
"Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says,
"Fill it with water."
So what would you do with 3 wishes
As for me...I'd wish for 50 more wishes...just for starters 
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What Do You Say About Me?
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Posted:Jan 18, 2006 12:48 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
9324 Views
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I copied this post from candy69sosweet because I thought it was quite cool and it would be a lot of fun to find out what people think.
I answered her questions, now its your turn...what do you say about me?
1. Who are you?
2. When and how did we meet?
3. If we've met in person, would you like to see me again?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression of me?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. If so, what is it? (*grin*)
16. What is your favorite physical quality about me?
17. What do you think is my best character trait?
18. Would you consider me to be your friend?
19. If you could pick one song to describe me, what would it be?
20. If you had to pick one famous person that I remind you of, who would it be? why?
21. Are you going to put this post on your blog and see what I say about you?
So there is the challenge, answer my question, then copy this post to your blog and see what people think of you.
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How does your garden grow?
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Posted:Jan 17, 2006 9:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
9981 Views
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I found these posts this morning as I took my daily stroll thru Blogland and I sincerely hope you will go and give them a read.
~~~[post 205014]~~~
~~~[post 204502] ~~~
...and lastly...
~~~[post 205756]~~~
I believe it would be well worth your time.
As you know, we have all witnessed this activity stemming from 1 such hoax and have seen how that one little seed grew into a gigantic weed patch.
From that it seemed to just take off like wild fire spreading mistrust, accusations, harrassment, hostility and negativity throughout Blogland.
It has cause so much hurt and anxiety just to name a few...we all know there are far more emotions stirred within us that just is not needed.
It isn't necessary for me to spell it all out, because we all already know what has gone on around here this past week, nor do I need to mention any specific handles for the same reason.
I'm not letting any more weeds grow in my garden and from here on out am not going to allow the uglyness of the past weeks shenanigans continue to upset me. By nature in my "real life" off line...I do not find myself involved in such drama.
It isn't to say that I don't or no longer care about what happens here in Blogland...but for my own well being, just cannot get caught up in it anymore. With the exception of one which I hope is resolved very soon so it can be put away and forgotten.
I do not do well with negative stress and I found myself starting to feel physically sick from it all...to the point that I sent my mother an email last night saying that I felt I was having an anxiety attack coming on, and that if she didn't hear from me by 9 am this morning that she ought to have someone come and check on me.
I had a heart attack when I was 41...10 years ago and symptoms for women are very different from the symptoms that men experience. Often times symptoms for women go completely un-noticed.
Anxiety can mimmick an attack...or it could be the real deal.
I can't afford to let myself get stressed and worried about these situations over the past week. But I did get caught up because I cared and I can't let it get to me but I allowed myself to get worked up over it...and found it causing me to neglect things I need to do in real life.
Someone left a comment in someones post that it's just a blog. That comment - those words could not have rang more true.
Another truth is that people do form friendships of various degrees via the Internet from a casual acceptance or maybe a kindred spirit whose thoughts and feelings are in line with our own and so because we can identify with them, makes becoming friends is easy to do. Many people fall in love and many people develop friendships that will last a lifetime. Even if they never meet face to face.
These bonds that form are real and they do exist.
Internet relationships and friendships are as real as the friends we have off line. Only difference is, is that they may be scattered all across the country and reaching beyond us a half a world away. I feel that they are real to me and am happy to have met them and I hope to keep them for many years to come.
Most of us are here simply to blog and share our thoughts and feelings. To give those looking in a glimpse of what our lives are like. To reveal our dreams and passions, our failures and success's, our ups and downs in daily life. Some just like to write, while others want to share poetry.
Stepping into Blogland and skipping from blog to blog is like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates....you never know what you will find.
There are all sorts of really, really good people here in Blogland and there are those who wish to cause chaos, there by triggering a dominoe effect....as it travels from one blog to another feeding fuel to the fire.
So with that said... I will be deleting and/or permanently banning any comment or any person who walks thru the palace gates with poison to leave at my door step. There is no room for it here, I won't accept or tolerate it. Nor will I start or add fuel to the fires on other people's blogs.
It's time to move on.
A soon to be very famous writer (who just happens to reside here in Blogland--anyone with a clue know's who I am referring to) once said...
"I will not rent space in my head"....and I liked that...and so neither will I from here on out.
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Slide
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Posted:Jan 15, 2006 3:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2006 9:15 am
9398 Views
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This is my
100th POST
Thank you to all who have honored me with a visit and those who have left a comment or 2 from time to time.
Especially those of you who I have become friends with here (and you know who you are–I hope)
I am thankful for your friendship and support and I sincerely hope to foster closer bonds with each of you, as well as create and nurture new friendships in the future.
One thing I think we have all realized this past week is that the friendships we have created here are very real and very important.
I dare say…the only good thing that came out of that whole fiasco was an overwhelming display of humanity, love, support, strength and has in many ways helped some of us see the importance of making sure that our families and friends know that we love and value them.
It has also enabled people to make determinations and decisions that maybe they have put off or was afraid to make.
It has taught some of us to live each day as it were the last and to choose a direction that will bring us peace and contentment in our lives.
Blog on!
{=}
~**~ Slide ~**~ Thank you
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To link to this blog (slidein2meplz) use [blog slidein2meplz] in your messages.
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