Ramblings of the depraved.....
 
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Just between you and I
Posted:Sep 26, 2016 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2021 3:09 pm
239969 Views
0 Comments , 60 Pending
Like a scene from a scary movie...
Posted:Jan 17, 2021 5:01 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2021 5:59 pm
116 Views

I was making my bed this afternoon when I heard a scratching noise from inside my closet.

Oh Shit!!

Poltergeist activity? Evil entities?? Demons???

Nope...

Standing in my bedroom doorway, ready bolt, I heard the familiar little meow of my Tilly.

"Now, how on earth did you get in there?!?"

I slid the closet door open and saw her tiny little face peering out at me from behind some pashminas.

"meow"

Good lord.... I hope I haven't forever traumatized my cat. It's likely she'd been in there for hours and I never noticed.

Yikes!
3 Comments
Things I Did Today
Posted:Jan 16, 2021 3:44 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2021 4:26 pm
1092 Views

-Stood in the snow on my balcony in my bare feet. Still not quite sure why I felt like I had to do it.... I just did.

-Vacuumed my entire apartment. God help me, I LOVE to vacuum! Not sure if it's seeing all the shit that collects in the canister or my perpetual amazement that so much HAIR is shed by myself and the Spawn....

-Ate 4 pieces of white bread toast for lunch and washed it down with a beer. I find that I do stuff like that when the Spawn is at her dad's house simply because... I can. No judging eyes.

-Imagined myself plowing through a crowd of people at the grocery store with a special shopping cart containing a v-shaped plow in the front. I fucking hate grocery shopping with the moron masses.

-Watched the morning news girl make a charcuterie board a few days ago so I decided I would make one today. (Note - this is the ONLY reason I went to the grocery store today.) I ate one cracker, all of the different cheeses, and washed it down with another beer while I poked toothpicks into the salami.

-Had to put my glasses on in order to figure out whether the weird looking dot on my right cheekbone was a freckle or a pimple. It was neither.... It was a tiny fucking vein. WTH?!? It's the spot on my cheek where the stupid mask rubs the most... I think it's damaging my skin.

-Bought a new bedframe on Amazon. I decided, it's time for something new. Seventeen years is a long time to have a bed... Time for fresh starts.
19 Comments
Thursday.....
Posted:Jan 14, 2021 3:56 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2021 3:31 pm
2417 Views

Or, as I'd like think of it, Friday Eve.

Thursday is my chore day, my running errands day, my getting shit DONE day....

Because, when I get home on Friday, I'm ready fucking kick my shoes off and call it a week!

This week especially....

It's been a rather stressful, shitty week that I'd like come a close as soon as soon as possible.

Did I run out of uniform shirts for the new hires??

Absolutely!!

Instead of coaching their employees and letting them know that we were going back our strict dress code policy within the month that we had known in advance, leaders decided wait until the employees showed NOT in dress code bust them.

Fantastic!

Each and every time they walked their happy asses back my desk with their embarrassed and sheepish looking employee get a new uniform shirt. Shame those leaders for NOT taking care of their employees and setting them for success in their job! If you are too much of a chicken shit to coach your employee proper dress code than you don't belong in the position you are in.

On a personal level, I'd like kick these leaders asses. What a bunch of fucktards....

I feel, at times, that as a society we are doomed fail.

Leadership is about way more than just correcting people and breaking them down.... Shouldn't it be our goal make sure this shit doesn't happen begin with??

Leadership should be about empowering people make wise choices based knowledge and experience.

But, that's just my 2 cents worth....
5 Comments
All aboard the struggle bus!
Posted:Jan 13, 2021 3:18 pm
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2021 3:14 pm
3301 Views

Ugh... What a day!

Ever had one of those moments where you thin..

This is it!

This is the end....

I never quite imagined I'd go out this way....

Sitting behind my desk, kicking my paper shredder, swearing at a paper cut, and creating mascara lines with my eyelashes on the lenses of my fogged glasses.

Good God....

The only thing missing is forgetting my homework while standing naked in the front of the class.

Thank God it's over Tuesday!

*Update*

Yah, it's actually a Wednesday.... It really was *that* kind of a day.
14 Comments
Tips and Tricks to being a star webinar participant!
Posted:Jan 12, 2021 3:40 pm
Last Updated:Jan 13, 2021 2:58 pm
4495 Views

A special thank you goes out Dara, the Senior HR Generalist who inspired my post today....

Thank you Dara!


Let's face it....

None of us really want to participate in those webinars.

We ALL know those corporate individuals who are being paid big bucks to work from home are trying to create work for themselves so their bosses don't discover they really are just useless wastes of company payroll...

My theory is, the individuals who host the most webinars are the individuals who have the least actual impact on the company itself.

I have discovered, though, that while the webinar itself is usually 60 minutes of frozen screens and "can you all hear me", it's the participants that sometimes steal the show.

With that said.... Here you go!

The Tips and Tricks to Being a Star Webinar Participant

Tip #1

By ALL means.... Please DO use your webcam image to get an up close and personal of the inside of your nose to pluck out that booger. While you're at it, roll it into a ball and flick it somewhere off camera. It's NOT the same if you don't!

Tip #2

Be sure to wear a v-neck sweater that is cut low enough that the bottom of the v is off camera. This will keep us ON OUR TOES! Is she naked? Is that a cardigan? Is she naked beneath a cardigan?? The world may never know.... What we DO know is, I will have to poke out my eyes if you cup your breasts and adjust your bra one more time.

Tip #3

Good personal hygiene? UN-NECESSARY for webcam participation! Scratch that scalp and investigate that dandruff for all to see! Don't bother wiping the underside of your dandruff nails... You can absolutely use those same fingernails to scrape the plaque from your teeth! It's cool.... While you're at it, clean that wax out of your ear too! That's practically a bath!

And last.... But not least.

Tip #4

No need to feign interest in the webinar topic at hand, we've all lost interest in it to. We're all busy watching you as you open your , screw around on your cell phone, and stare wide eyed at something on your laptop screen while licking your lips... Are you looking at food? A naked man?? A naked man with food??? The possibilities are endless.


So, there you have it folks. The tips and tricks to being a star webinar participant....

With a little time and practice, you TOO can be a star.

Good luck!
9 Comments
The Great Gourmet Hamburger Debacle
Posted:Jan 12, 2021 2:51 am
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2021 9:22 pm
4935 Views

For some reason....

I've been operating under the misguided belief that fancy new pots and pans could boost my ability to be a gourmet cook.

Cooking magazines and recipe websites have become my new passion!

The problem?

Nothing is ever as easy as it looks on those Youtube tutorials!

The Spawn had wanted Mac & Cheese for dinner last night (ack!), so I thought to myself...

Self! You HATE Mac & Cheese.... Now is a good time to try out one of those fancy, schmancy stuffed burger recipes you found!

So I did!

I minced the onion and mixed it with the burger and spices..... I created the patty with the little pocket containing cheese and bacon crumbles.... I put it in the pan and started to cook.

Easy peasy, right?!?

Wrong!! SO wrong....

There I stood watching my burger fall apart in the pan. It started with the cheese melting out the side of the burger and burning to the bottom of the pan.

Still trying to be positive....

I said, self! It'll be ok. You can just put the cheese on top when you're done.

I continued to cook the burger.

Next came the complete disintegration of the patty.

Gingerly flipping the patty, I wanted to make sure the top half stayed connected with the bottom half just in case.... The bacon was still in there and there could possibly still be some cheese.

What I didn't count on was.... While the top and bottom did remain connected the right and left side did not.

And, there I was.

Cheese melting everywhere, bacon crumbles spilling out, burger patty disintigrating before my very eyes as now the top and bottom portions of the patty were coming apart too.....

Horror unfolded before my very eyes.

Needless to say....

Not exactly the burger I was hoping for. I did manage to salvage enough to make my own version of a deconstructed bacon cheeseburger that, crumbled and all, did taste pretty good.

But, we'll call that recipe a bust for me.

I can only hope I'll be able to get that burned disaster area cleaned out of the bottom of my new pan. I've boiled it and let it sit with the dish detergent and water, like it said to do in the instruction manual.

We'll see what happens!
18 Comments
Crazy Cat Monday
Posted:Jan 11, 2021 2:44 am
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2021 4:00 pm
6539 Views
I can see the attraction of the cat for the crazy pet hoarder individuals....

Cats are needy.

Always there.... Always wanting attention.



From the minute you get up in the morning until the moment you go to bed at night, a cat will likely be your constant companion.

Do they want attention?

Most of the time, no....

They just want you to basque in their presence. Always present, somewhere off on the sidelines, but always within eye shot of you and what your doing.



Busy on the computer paying your bills or writing an email?

Never fear!

Your feline friend will choose that very moment to want your undivided attention!

She will run repeatedly across your keyboard.... She will plop her body down on your hands and meow, demanding your full attention.... She will bite your pinky finger in an attempt to pull your hands away from what they are doing to pay attention to her.....

And, it will usually work.

Cause, even as I'm typing this now, I've got my crazy kitty dangling from my shoulder, purring in my ear.

So, yes, I can see that attraction. For the lonely, this is an amazing thing....

For me, I'd just like to be able to use the shower without this happening every morning....



Happy Monday!
29 Comments
Saturday revelations....
Posted:Jan 9, 2021 5:06 pm
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2021 2:05 am
8308 Views
It was a productive day for me....

Aside from 2 naps and an afternoon of watching crime shows on Hulu, I decided tackle cleaning my oven.

Now, THAT was a chore!

I'm ashamed say... For the entire length of time I've been living in this apartment I have never cleaned that oven.

I would openly gasp at the horrors of just *thinking* about cleaning that oven....

And, yet, there I was!

I wish I could say I was all cutesy and domesticated looking... With my hair pulled up in a messy bun and my black leggings, pink cleaning gloves adorning my delicate hands.

In reality, it couldn't have been any farther from the truth.

"Oh my God mom... That's not a good look on you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Um, look at yourself in the mirror."

Uh.... Yah.

In reality, it was more like Braveheart about ready charge into battle. I'd somehow managed to obtain a black smear below my left eye and my hair was slowly falling out of the nearly non existent messy bun. Instead of a sword and shield in my gloved hands I had oven cleaner and a sponge.

The Spawn was right...

It was NOT a good look on me.

20 Comments
And... She's off!!
Posted:Jan 8, 2021 4:02 am
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2021 5:55 pm
10227 Views

I received a bizarre phone call yesterday....

When the Ex Mother-in-law's memory depleted to the point that she no longer remembered any of her and had started to become combative, requiring the aid of a full time nurse, the ex family decided it was time to put her in assisted living.

It was a very sad day as my ex husband had been the last, remaining she could remember and that was now gone as well...

He was simply The Gray Haired Guy.

For her, the memory issues really prevent her from understanding the fact that she will not be seeing any family or friends until the COVID restrictions are lifted... She doesn't remember them.

For the family, this has been tough.

So, it was surprising to me to receive a phone call from an aide at the assisted living facility yesterday.

For starters, I'm not even a part of the family anymore.

Apparently the Ex Mother-in-law had staged an escape....

She picked her moment, knocked down her aide, and made a break for the door!

The 87 year old, 4'11", 90lb woman was on the run!

To her plan's demise, however, the doors have locking features on them preventing patients from being able to leave unattended. She is, after all, living in an assisted living facility where all of the occupants are experience memory issues.

How does this involve me?

Well, she'd apparently revisited a time, in her mind, when she had been needed to pick my oldest up from school while I was at a doctor's appointment.

She was inconsolable and they were hoping that a conversation with me could help.

I did talk to her.... And, whether it helped or not, I don't know. Over and over she had said she tried to pick up [oldest ], I could hear the despair in her voice.

I finally cut her off and reassured her that she had. I thanked her for being such a caring Grandma and appreciated all her help.

"I did?"

"Yep, you did. Remember? Pat gave you my lunch tab for [oldest ] and you lectured me about it. You said I should always pay extra because I don't know when he might want to have a little breakfast at school."

"Oh, I did. Did you pay that $5.25? I was going to give it to Pat but I didn't bring my purse in with me."

I couldn't help but chuckle a little..

"Yes, I gave Pat a $20 bill today when I dropped him off at school."

And, that was it....

At that point she'd handed the phone to her aide and the conversation was done.

I know I'm not a part of the family anymore, but this is just heartbreaking for me...

I hope to God I never have to experience the same memory issues she is going thought now.
24 Comments
How big is your pickle?
Posted:Jan 7, 2021 5:23 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2021 3:50 pm
13541 Views

I ordered a sandwich for lunch today from the Freaky Fast people....

Pickle on the side.

"Oh my God, that's a giant pickle. I just wasn't expecting it to be so big...."

It took 2 hands just to hold that damn pickle.... It would have taken an axe to cut that bad into pickle spears.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to fit this thing in my mouth."

From the corner of the break room I heard the Hipster Beard burst out laughing.

"Do you know how hard it has been to not comment on that!!"

I was now laughing too.

"That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain that the pickle is too big."

"It all depends on where you've got to put the pickle."

And, that was all she wrote. Everyone within earshot of the conversation was now dying and laughter could be heard out on the sales floor.

I don't think I can ever look at a pickle the same way again.
40 Comments
My workday, hour one...
Posted:Jan 7, 2021 4:00 am
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2021 4:53 pm
11338 Views

If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought yesterday was a Monday.

I always arrive to work early.

I sit in my car and listen to the music turned up... Psyching myself up for what will probably be a very stressful day. Most of my workdays are stressful. I wait until the last possible minute to walk in, waiting in a lot of cases, for other employees to exit their cars and head in before me.

I hate making idle chit chat with people.

As usual, someone had remained hidden in their car waiting for me to emerge from my own....

Cause, as usual, they just have a 'quick' question.

"Hey, I've been waiting for you. I just have a quick question, I'll walk in with you."

Oh, Jesus Christ, what is wrong with people???

"Ok."

Fifteen minutes later they are still telling me about their knee replacement surgery and how they are happy to finally be able to have it done.

Quick question nowhere in sight....

I have a fucking routine people, a list of things that I do every work morning to get myself set for the day.

"What was your question again?"

"Oh, yah! I almost forgot! I need to be off work for six weeks, what do I need to do?"

Finally.....

Still headed to my desk, haven't even been able to punch in yet. I did, however, make it to the COVID intake table to get my temp taken.

"Oh good, you're here!"

Ugh... Another 'quick question'.

"I have done a [training] course three times now and the system won't register it as completed. I really don't want to do it again, it's like an hour long."

"Did you call ITS Support and explain to them your issue?"

"No, I wanted to run it by you first."

Really?? What am I, a fucking miracle worker?

Still in my coat and boots, I follow him to the computer lab to log in and show me the defunct training.

"Yep, looks like something you need to call ITS Support for. It's not a big deal, I used to have to do this for [Boss #1] all the time because he would always manage to screw up his training."

"Do you think they'll fix it?"

What ARE you, a fucking moron??

"Yes. I need to get my boots and coat off, I'm roasting."

Unlocking my office door, trudging through....

My phone is already ringing, it's the customer contact center.

"Hi [applicant] I hear you're having issues with your background consent?"

"Yah, it won't let me in."

After a few minutes of research, it turns out Moron #2 did not use a real email address when he created his application and now that we are moving him through the hire process he is not receiving the email links for him to complete said background consent.

"Why didn't you use your real email address? Now that the process is started, I am unable to go in and modify any information."

"I didn't want to get a ton of junk emails."

A ton of junk emails you say.....

Apparently you didn't want to get any of the necessary, useful emails as well. Looks like you get to start over from scratch douchebag.

Wanting a job, but not liking what I had to say, I could hear him biting his tongue on the other end of the line.

"Ok, so, when you get your new profile set up, give me a call back. We can go from there."

Still no call back from Moron #2.

Moron #1 was excited to report ITS Support was able to fix his issue and complete out his training with no issue what-so-ever....

Yah.

Imagine that.... Something I told you would happen, happened. I'm a miracle worker.

And, there you have it.

8am became 9am before I even knew it.
16 Comments
Things that people share with me...
Posted:Jan 5, 2021 3:35 am
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2021 9:49 pm
13304 Views

The Chronic Oversharer

We ALL have this coworker. No topic too personal, no conversation too awkward.

For them, anyway....

I was in my office when one of the new peeps decided to stop in and show me her new hair cut.

"Oh, wow! You went short! That's quite a change."

I was trying not to sound as shocked as I felt. This woman had done an all-on Britney spears shaving her head thing, dying what was left of her hair blond.

"I did it myself. I figure, I go to Walmart to get my hair cut and they never do what I want them to do, they just do this anyway, so I did it myself."

"Oh, you went blond too."

"Yah, I decided it was time for a change."

It was at this point her cell phone started ringing so she excused herself to take the call.

Hoping like hell that was the end of the conversation, I went back to the spreadsheet I was working on and she stepped out of my office.

She didn't go far....

It was a bill collector that had called her and she paced back and forth outside my office setting up a payment plan with God knows who over God knows what.

"Bill collectors.... Sheesh..."

Shit, she's back.

"Yah."

Not quite sure what to say, I kept it short.

The next thing I knew, I was hearing her life story about the multiple hospitalizations she'd experience because of her bi-polar incidents and how they'd racked up a thousand dollar light bill.

"There was a lady at my church that had gotten with the pastor and had wanted to help someone in need by paying a bill and he'd put her in touch with me. Only, she said my bill was too high so she didn't even help at all. You would have thought she'd put a little toward it at least."

Awkward..... Silence.....

This is the same woman who just told me she spent $50 making a Nacho Table and they only ate a quarter of the nachos. She even showed me picture proof...

Put that money toward your bill!!

"It may have felt like an overwhelming amount to her."

Or, this woman knows you well enough that she felt her money was more needed elsewhere.

I'll be honest, I have a hard time feeling sorry for people who are not financially responsible and exercise common sense when paying their bills.

This is a married woman in a two-income household....

If I've managed to make it as a single mom for the past 9 years with multiple at home, one of which was in and out of the hospital 3 times during that time, I would think between her husband and herself they could come up with a way to pay their bills.

And, I'm thinking that would start by refraining from $50 Wednesday night nacho tables....
13 Comments

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