Ramblings of the depraved.....
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Just between you and I
Posted:Sep 26, 2016 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2020 8:07 pm
1 comment , 28 Pending
Sometimes I wonder....
Posted:Jul 6, 2020 3:20 pm
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2020 3:57 am

Why can't I just be normal? Or, some relative semblance of normal?

Most of the time I feel like a fucking neurotic crazy person.

I was doing ok this morning. My Middle was getting ready for his day, as you may recall, he headed down to Detroit today to do his Marine testing. He had just gotten out of the shower, and the door was closed, but I yelled through the door to have a good day and wished him luck.

Then I went to leave.

And, I headed back to the closed door and told him to bring cash and that I loved him.

Then I went to leave.

And, I headed back to that goddamn door one more time to tell him I'm proud of him.

This time I forced myself to leave as I was going to be late for work.

So far, so good, no emotional breakdowns. I'd handled the whole thing like a champ!

And then the Beatles song 'Yesterday' started to play.

First the eyes teared up. Them my lips trembled as I tried to hold it back. The next thing I know I'm a blubbering mess in the parking lot at work.

Fucking fantastic.

I managed to pull myself back together and head in. Thankfully the most irritating man on the face of the planet had decided to walk in at the same time so I was able to shift my sorrow to irritation and hatred of the most irritating man on earth.

You know the guy....

The one who says stupid shit that requires no answer or comment back and stares at you like you're supposed to respond.

I made it all the way to my office and worked for a bit before I managed to get emotional not once, but TWICE while talking to Nose Hairs, complete with teary eyes and hitched voice.


I think I even said to him, "oh my God, I'm a fucking crazy person." He just listened, he knows I'm having a hard time with it all, and I told him that today I was worried about my being down in Detroit.... Crime.... etc.

I think, sometimes, the best conversations are the ones where you can just talk while someone listens.

I get it now.... Right now, this very moment, why people love to talk to me. I have a lot of conversations, and a lot of people come to me for help. Not because I'm a genius or have every answer....

They come to me because I listen.

I'm seeing it all, right now, from the other side. I'm usually that person who is listening. Sometimes I have input, sometimes I do not. But, I always listen, and empathize, and share the moment when there are tears as I offer encouragement.

I get it.
Three day weekend, last day....
Posted:Jul 5, 2020 3:35 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2020 2:35 pm

My weekend has flown by....

I took the Spawn to Sturgeon Bay again today, it just might possibly be my most favorite spot on this entire earth.




Wilfred Brimley and Jerry Garcia??

The Spawn and I had been in the water for quite some time when I decided I'd better get more sunscreen on. So far, so good, I've been able to keep myself to a nice, healthy shade of not quite sunburned.

I don't want to wreck it...

So, we headed back to where we had set up our chairs and towels and discovered the little section of beach that had been secluded when we arrive was now peppered with people.


On our right was Wilfred Brimley standing guard, eyeballing the beach goers and smoothing down his giant mustache.

On our left was Jerry Garcia, listening to tunes, wrapped in some sort of blue cape like thing.


We headed to our little spot on the beach just in time... Just in time to see the super tan speedo man fall backwards in his chair but laugh heartily as he managed to save his drink.

It was a feat of miraculous agility, apparently.

Kind of like a cat landing on it's feet.... It was a drunk, super tan speedo man not spilling a drop.

A true miracle.

Happy Sunday.
Happy Fourth of July!!
Posted:Jul 4, 2020 5:25 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2020 2:37 pm

My didn't start so ....

I ended up spilling half a cup of coffee down the side of my fridge and on the kitchen floor when I went to move the cup.


It was like the thing stuck to the counter and refused to slide. Probably didn't help that my mind was in a million places at once.

Like always....

After two loads of laundry and an hour at the , everything seemed better.

For me, the is like mental clarity. I listen to music and get on the elliptical and everything kind of comes into focus.

I can think.

Today I thought about my current romantic situation, or, lack thereof... And realized, it is exactly what I need it to be.

Am I happy with things the way they are? No....

Do I want them to be different? Yes....

I've realized, however, that I now need something way different in my life then what I've always looked to find.

looking for someone with whom I can develop an emotional attachment to as well as have sex.

It's been a really, really long time since I've felt this way.

I've always been a little cavalier about sex.... not going to coat things as I've had many sexual partners over the years, in some cases I don't even remember names.... But sexual activity to me had always just been for gratification and fun.

Not for love... Not since I was married....

Which is why I've always found my way back here. The men on here aren't looking for love, they're looking for a little gratification and someone to stroke their.... ego.

For a time, it was exactly what I needed.

not quite sure what to do with this epiphany. Even as sitting here, enjoying this amazing summer evening, drinking wine on my balcony.... perplexed.

The moment I decide to start looking for love, I know my feelings will be hurt over and over again as familiar with how the real world operates. I will continue to encounter the men who are looking for just a piece of ass, only now it will be disguised behind the facade of "looking for the one". up there in age now so I will be compared to past wives/girlfriends and judged by buddies.

I think for today, I'll just stick to the wine on my balcony and save the heart ache for another day.
Friday... Vacation Day!!
Posted:Jul 3, 2020 4:24 pm
Last Updated:Jul 4, 2020 4:37 pm

Boss #2 was gracious enough to let me take a much needed vacation day today.

It was fricking amazing...

The weather is absolutely gorgeous and Lake Michigan was amazing. The Spawn and I spent two hours just lounging in the water following the sand bars down to the point. It was a beautiful enough that I was able to let go of my anxiety over my Middle going to Detroit on Monday to do his ASVAB testing.

I'm thankful he won't be alone as he will be on a shuttle bus with other Pooley's. (Apparently that's what they're called when they're still in the candidate pool.) I'd be lying if I said it wasn't pulling at my heart strings watching him take these steps into adulthood.

It helps to see him so excited about it.

I'd thought he was staying at his Dad's last night when he came home around 7 o'clock excitedly telling me he had his first workout with the recruiter.

OMG! You scared me! I thought you were staying at dad's.

No, I was working out with the Pooley's. I did 39 pull ups. Surprised myself. Thought I was going to puke twice....

OMG! Why? Are you ok??

When you exercise your core, if you have food in there, it works itself back out.

OMG! I don't like this!

I've got this mom! (Huge smile on his face.) Your boy didn't puke.

So, yah, I'm struggling, but I'm accepting. I also had to accept the fact that he's also found himself a different job. We will be coworkers no more.....

I really liked having him work with me, too.
When in doubt....
Posted:Jul 2, 2020 1:43 am
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2020 11:19 pm

The answer is YES!

Please do!!

Absolutely use that front parking spot, and the one next it, resurface your shitty truck in the parking lot of our apartment building.

You fucking douche bag....

I got home from work yesterday and the neighbor from across the hall was sanding the bottom portion of his truck with a power sander right in front of the building, right in front of the apartment of the guy who works third shift.

I'm certain the guy was in there trying to sleep as all blinds were drawn and it looked pretty dark.

The ignorance of some people astounds me.
Gym Tales
Posted:Jul 1, 2020 6:26 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2020 3:45 pm

When my key card wouldn't open the door at the gym yesterday, I messaged the owner to see what was up.

Apparently, there's a lot up.

At the time, I'm certain she was under the belief that I had done something to the card to deactivate it and prevent myself from being able to enter or that it was merely operator error.

So, she told me she would review the video.


Like.... I'm going to lie about the key card not working? Because.... why would I lie about something stupid like that?

I have to say, I felt a little vindicated today when she messaged me back stating she had been on the phone with corporate all day because they are having issues with the door that she was unaware of. Apparently the door is randomly picking and choosing who it wants to let in.


At this point in time, my card is not working with the door.... Which means, I can only work out when the staff is there. The staff is only there during my own work hours.... So, no workouts for me until the door is fixed.

Just when I had it back! They take it all away....
And... Today's the day.
Posted:Jun 30, 2020 3:11 am
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2020 3:49 pm

I told my Middle I would meet him at the recruiter's office after work today.

My heart is sad and I'm feeling so much dread..... But I support his decisions and I want him to feel confident in them. I raised him to be independent, to be able to make wise choices, and now it is time for me to set my baby bird free.

Dammit this is hard!!

I want to be mad at the Spawn for clipping her toenails on the couch and LEAVlNG the clippings right where they flew....

But, I can't.

I swept the stupid things into my hand and cried a little at the realization that she, too, will be flying the coop in just a few more short years as well.

It just all feels so final, to me. Like, the end of an era...

My ENTIRE adult life has been wrapped up with being a mom of young . I was 19 when my ex-husband and I had my oldest ... I was 28 when we had my middle .... I was 33 when we had the Spawn.

I know I should be rejoicing in the fact that I've raised such wonderful, independent, free-thinking and smart , and I am. It was my goal all along to be a good example for them, to teach them to be responsible adults, and to not be afraid to make a decision or put themselves out there.

And, I've done just that.

Looks like I'll be doing a little extra gym time tonight.... I have a feeling there'll be a lot of feelings I'll need to release and let go...

Happy Tuesday
What do you get when you combine a one piece bathing suit and a port-a-potty?
Posted:Jun 28, 2020 6:57 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2020 3:52 pm

A recipe for disaster.

I couldn't have asked for better weather for my four day weekend....

After having spent most of the weekend in the water at various lakes and beaches, the various parts of my body are now varying shades of red and pink.

Freckles... Starting come out full force.

Summer is officially upon us.

The Spawn, a friend, and I all went Thumb Lake today. It was a perfect mixture of sun, shade, and water..... The water part coming to a screeching halt when I pulled my arm out of the lake and had a stick bug clinging to it.

But, I digress.

I was able to spend the rest of the afternoon lounging in the shade trees on the shoreline enjoying the day. It was comfortable, and lazy, and my stresses in the world were gone....

Until I had pee, anyway.

Not thinking anything of it, the Spawn and I trecked across the parking lot where the port-a-potties sit.

And, this is where it gets complicated.

Entering the thing, I realize.... I have completely disrobe in order pee.

Not only was I wearing a one piece bathing suit, at this point I was also wearing shorts and a t shirt as well.

It was the balancing act of the century!! I'm pretty sure I couldn't pull that off again if my life depended on it.

Somehow I managed not drop anything, not touch anything, and not urinate anything as I hovered over the toilet seat.

It was a true miracle.

God bless us, everyone!
When the patio is the new parking lot....
Posted:Jun 26, 2020 5:45 am
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2020 4:15 pm

My white trash downstairs neighbor has taken to parking her patchwork pick-up truck on the lawn in front of her apartment.

Are you fucking kidding me??

I can only hope the apartment manager comes to work today and actually sees what the hell this redneck is doing.

Because, it's not like she's in any way, shape, or form close to the parking lot. She can't just, back up, and say "Hey, my bad!"

She's on the back side of the building. There is NO parking lot access back here. You literally have to drive across the lawn from the road to get there, where she's parked, right next to the playground equipment.


The only thing missing is a tarp for a bed liner and a back end full of water.

Redneck Pool!
Day 2 into the 4 day weekend....
Posted:Jun 26, 2020 4:37 am
Last Updated:Jun 28, 2020 11:01 pm
I took a couple of vacation days this week.

It has been an absolute, fucking blessing!

You don't really realize how burned out you are until you step away from something, even if only for a brief moment.

Going to bed late.... waking up when you want to.

Enjoying your time just doing... nothing!

I woke up this morning and lay there, for a long moment, listening to the song playing in my mind. It was Guns N' Roses, and I still knew every word.

You Will Be Mine

There is always music in my dreams. Sometimes I recognize the song, like today, and I can always hear every word.... It doesn't take long, once I'm awake, for the words to disappear, though. But, if I lay there quietly.....

Sometimes I don't recognize it. Sometimes I wake up and think, have I heard that somewhere? Does it sound familiar? Once upon a time there was a musician blogger on here that I would read.... He had told me those songs I didn't recognize were songs I had created.

I had liked that.

The Spawn and I ended up going to Sturgeon Bay yesterday after I got my hair cut.

I was disappointed to see my tree had finally fallen into the water....

There was something about that tree that kind of gave me hope, they way it just clung there, standing strong.

It is what it is, I suppose.

We just continue to keep.... Moving on.

The Shitbox
Posted:Jun 24, 2020 5:28 pm
Last Updated:Jun 27, 2020 3:12 am

Went to the gym tonight even though my legs were a little sore....

Now I'm totally whipped.

Stuck to the treadmill tonight as I don't think my thighs could take another day on the elliptical... I'm surprised I made it through 40 minutes doing the treadmill on the fat burn setting.

It felt good though, when I was done.

It's a sense of accomplishment, in a way. Before you know it, it's in the cool down portion and you're thinking....

Damn! I did it!!

But, the true highlight to my evening happened on my way home from the gym.

I was nearing main street when a white jeep with the word 'Shitbox' plastered to the back window cut me off.

True story....

On the other side of the back window, it said 'If you hit my car while my baby is on board I will beat your ass until the cops show up'

Uh... yah.

I'd like to see that. The driver looked like a 90 lb crack head, in her left hand was a can of Monster and a lit cigarette.

I'm more concerned about this baby surviving its mother than I am concerned about it surviving a hit to the Shitbox.

are resilient, though, and I am proof. I came from a mother just like that.
Tonight at the gym....
Posted:Jun 23, 2020 4:23 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2020 3:19 am

Yes folks, that is correct!

The gym is open at long last and I have returned. For the first time since March 17th, I walked on a treadmill and spent some time on the elliptical.

I'm pretty sure I want to die at this moment... But it was so worth it as I have missed my gym time SO much.

It's a good feeling! Not even worried about the Gym Stalker being there on my very first day back.


He tried contacting me on here not that long ago... I reminded him that things didn't work out the first time around, to which he apologized and said he'd made a lot of changes in his life.

Wondered if he could try it again.

It was definitely a case of same but different....

Instead of a wife, he now has a live in girlfriend. Instead of living two towns over, he now lives in my town. And instead of working for a manufacturing facility he is now self employed.

When I asked him what he was looking for, he had stated someone he could spend time with and have a conversation.

Forgive me if I'm wrong.... But..... Isn't that what the live in girlfriend is for??

My guess is, he is not being satisfied sexually by the girlfriend. He's really just looking for someone to hook up with from time to time and it really doesn't matter if she is smart or has the ability to carry on a conversation.

If he gets his way, the only words spoken aloud will be "oh God", "don't stop", and "harder".

So, yah, I passed on that opportunity. I think I'd like to find something a little more meaningful this time around.

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