X-Rated Fruit Snacks... And other trivial blather.
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Posted:Jun 11, 2020 2:53 pm
Last Updated:Jun 13, 2020 12:06 am
8773 Views
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"Hey, there's fruit snacks in the break room."
My Work BFF was pulling open a small package of fruit snacks and dumped one into his hand while standing next to me in my office. Staring down at his palm, I think it was supposed to be a carrot, it looked like an orange penis.
"I'm not even going to tell you what I think that looks like."
We both burst out laughing. He was thinking the same thing.
"Next time, I'm not going to look at it first."
It was actually kind of an odd day today. It started with the realization that I knew the painter guy who is painting at the front of the store.
By knew him, I mean.... KNEW him, in the naked sense.
No, that's not awkward.... AT ALL.
My back was turned and I was headed to one of the employees to talk to her when I heard...
"Hey, I know you."
Turning to see who the voice belonged to, I knew immediately who it was.
"Yes, you do know me."
Before I started seeing the Hippy, I had been a bit more promiscuous. I was still seeing this guy when I met the Hippie, the Hippy had actually read blog posts I had written about having sex with this guy....
Ugh... And, there he was in the flesh.
Thankfully it was a very casual exchange of small talk and I was on my way once again. I would have much preferred he avoid me altogether, like a normal person who sees someone he used to fuck.
It is, what it is... I guess.
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17
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The 'Contract' Training
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Posted:Jun 11, 2020 3:38 am
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2020 12:28 am
9376 Views
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There is nothing more amazing, more scintillating, more inspired than a 90 minute skype training being led by the monotonic voice of our corporate HR representative.
It's the hearing equivalent to watching paint dry.
In the back of my mind, I was hearing... "Bueller? Beuller? Beauller?"
He was smart enough, by this call, to request the participants use the chat function for questions instead of asking them outright because the earlier calls, I'd heard, did not go well.
For someone who was supposed to be the expect on the subject matter, he had literally no answers.
But, I digress....
This is the man who 'requires' the assistants to do about 15 spreadsheets a week all collecting the same information. One report is actually for information from the PREVIOUS week.
Really??
That still necessary when four other reports are IN THE MOMENT collections of information?
Uh, yah.
Here's to a new day.... and my first solo Self Evaluation with Boss #2. Wish me luck.
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17
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The Meet and Greet
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Posted:Jun 10, 2020 4:00 am
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2020 12:29 am
9335 Views
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I don't normally write about these....
But, the Meet and Greet is a make or break situation.
It's your first impression!!
If it goes well... You see each other again. If it doesn't go well... Um, yah, that's an hour I'm never getting back.
Then there's the in-between.....
Did it go well? Did it not go well? Should I wait to see if he contacts me back? What if HE'S waiting for me to contact him??
Oh, fuck it.
Moving along...
I made plans on Monday to meet someone for coffee who I have been talking with on here.
He only had a specific day he could do this, so I ended up breaking my cardinal rule of meeting.
I met him immediately after work.
We all know, I'm a hot mess immediately after work. My head usually hurts from not wearing glasses. My face is a sweated out mess from being contained in my own personal sauna mask for the previous 8 hours. My personality is on bitch mode from dealing with all the shit I deal with in a day.
But, I did my damage control and met up.
It was an in-between, like most of them end up for me.
Guys are expecting slutted up ho-bags to show up for these meets.... Instead they get me. Office Girl with her sweetheart personality and nerdy glasses.
Disappointing....
I talked a little about my preferences and expectations, the reason why I chose the profile photo I chose (because EVERYONE asks about that), and listened to him talk about his job, his search, and his having the flu in February.
Now, I've already called it an in-between...
So, here I sit, stuck in limbo, wondering just what to make of this. When we left the restaurant, he had stated "You have my number, feel free to text me."
Ok...
This usually means, I'm being polite, but I am not necessarily interested.
Then, he ended up texting me later that night. So, I'm thinking.... Ok. Maybe he is? A little?? Maybe he's not and still being polite???
And.... this is where fuck it, moving along comes into play.
In this case, I really feel like he was hoping to see the slutted up ho-bag... Even though I was coming immediately from work.
In my area, I think this is the general consensus most men have about the women who are on here, that we spend each and every day all hot and bothered lusting over any man within a 50 ft radius.
They forget that we are real people too, with every day lives.
We do the slutting it up behind the scenes, with the right guy.
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21
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Tonight at my place...
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Posted:Jun 9, 2020 3:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2020 3:43 pm
8693 Views
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I came home to a fucking mess. Paint all over the counter, Popsicle sticks stuck to every surface in the living room, empty snack wrappers floating in the breeze...
Yah... I was pissed.
"Do you guys think you can just lay around all day, making a fucking mess, and I'm going to come home and clean it?? Get off your asses NOW and get this shit picked up! You WILL NOT be laying around all day and expect me to be your fucking maid. Not going to happen."
Blank eyes staring back at me.
"You, garbage! You, dishes! NOW!!"
Moving in slow mode, tears, you'd think English was their second language or something.
Noticing the Middle never came back in from taking out the trash, I glanced over at the key hooks and, sure enough, his truck keys were gone.
Are you kidding me??
Pulling out the old cell phone I decided to give him a ring.
"Hey, how come your keys are missing?"
"I'm at Subway."
"You're where??"
Have I stepped into some alternate universe where it's ok to just leave in the middle of cleaning up your own filth to get Subway??
Without telling your parent??
Needless to say, I'm currently taking 5 so as to not wind up on the 11 o'clock news for killing my .
Wish me luck.
12:28am Update
remain amongst the living. it was touch and go for a minute...
came home with Subway for everyone. Spawn gave me a good 45 minutes to cool off, then sat next to me on the couch, stared at me until I looked, and opened her arms up to hug me.
"What's this?"
"I think you need a hug."
You know what? She was right, I did. It's tough being a working, single mom. You worry that you're expecting too much, that you're not a good enough mother, and that they hate you for it.
So, moments like these... They mean the world to me.
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22
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The Passing Game
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Posted:Jun 8, 2020 3:19 am
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2020 4:09 pm
8783 Views
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You know this tool....
He's the guy who speeds up and slows down the entire time you're trying to pass him on the free way.
He'll drive just fast enough that you can't overtake him with your cruise control set on 82 mph, then cut out in front of you, slowing down to 75, to pass a slower moving car.
These people suck.
After about 5 miles of dealing with this douche bag yesterday, I decided to play his own game.
I could see an oncoming car and knew he was going to be speeding up, once again, so I could not pass on cruise control, then jet out in front of me.
This time, I did not allow that to happen.
Instead, I sped up to.
I made sure to remain close enough that he couldn't jet out in front of me, but far enough back that I wasn't fully passing him, so he was lockied in his lane. The slower moving car was looming ever closer, and his speed was picking up.
So was mine.
It was a stale mate until the moment we had reached the slower moving car and I breezed past it. I had barely cleared the front of his car when he aggressively popped out behind me, waving his hand, visibly pissed.
I couldn't help but snicker in the rear view.
I win the passing game, douche bag!
He kept up with me for a minute because, that's what these idiots do.
When he realized the only thing keeping me behind him, was him, he gave up, and soon he was a dot on the freeway behind me. It's amazing how quickly these tools will disappear behind you.
What happened to the previous 5 miles when we were driving neck in neck??
Oh, that's right.... You were playing the game!
You don't normally drive that fast, you just didn't want to be passed.
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19
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Saturday.. In the park...
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Posted:Jun 7, 2020 12:54 am
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2020 2:25 am
8904 Views
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I picked up the Spawn yesterday, felt good to have her back.
I think she was happy to be home, too, as she was glued to my side most of the evening. She didn't even complain when I asked her to walk with me at the walking park.
She just grabbed her skate board and said, lets go!
We were nearly one mile into our walk when a guy rounding a turn, coming toward us, stopped to talk with me for a few minutes. He wasn't from the area and was asking if I knew where the Elk Viewing park was.
Through the corner of my eye I could see the Spawn tapping her wrist and huffing and puffing away, shooting me the look of disapproval.
I waited until we were safely out of ear shot then scolded her.
"What was that all about??"
"Um, you're on MY time here...."
"Your time??"
"Uh, yah!"
She let out a loud groan of disapproval and started to roll away.
"I don't think so young lady, we aren't finished with this conversation. What's all that groaning about??"
"Sometimes... I've got to just let the inner demon free."
Her response was so serious, I couldn't help but laugh. What a shit.
It's good to have her feisty spirit back home again.
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10
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Saturday Morning Post
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Posted:Jun 6, 2020 6:39 am
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2020 2:33 am
9586 Views
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Saturday mornings are my favorite part of the wee
They are lazy, and comfortable, and truly the only point in time that I have no expectations, no looming deadlines, and everything look forward .
I can relax and enjoy!
So, here I sit, drinking my coffee, staring at the bee house, and reflecting on my day yesterday.
It was a pretty good day for .
I laughed quite a bit yesterday. Genuine, heartfelt laughter....
Have you ever noticed how the people around you will change their mood, their behavior match your own?
With or without actually knowing it, they do?
It was a somber group when I'd gone into the break room. Everyone's eyes were transfixed to their phones and it was silent.
I'd started my new normal lunch routine of sanitized my table, laying out a paper towel as a place mat, washing my hands.... etc.
When I ripped my mask off with great gusto and threw it down on it's own paper towel, it got a few chuckles.
"I take it you don't like that mask?"
"Oh, geez, I didn't realize anyone was looking!"
I laughed hard as I was being totally dramatic when I threw it down. My break room audience started laughing at that point.
"Um, yep! I hate these with a passion. Remember when women were burning bra's in protest?? Maybe we should be burning masks...."
And, that was it. Suddenly phones were down and we were all having our socially distanced break together as a group. I was eating salad and dropping it everywhere, complaining about the 'sticks' that were in it.
I later asked Nose Hairs and he said it was endive.
Suzy Q was laughing and telling a story about what had happened to her earlier in her shift. Slow Mo Joe was talking about how he was excited that his second job was opening back up on the 15th. Even the grouchy, silent, new guy who hates his job was opening up.
Something he never does!
He had held a position of high authority in a church at his old job, and that job went away. It is no more.... But his 'I'm better than you' attitude still remains.
It was good to see him be part of the group.
I think maybe, as individuals, we should all by trying to make the day a better day. So, that's my new goal.
A better day.
Happy Saturday!
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12
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The Watermelon Frose
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Posted:Jun 5, 2020 3:42 am
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2020 2:34 am
9790 Views
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The verdict is in...
I may NEVER eat watermelon again, after last night.
I was looking up frozen watermelon alcoholic drinks at work on Monday when Nose Hairs popped into my office.
"I've got, like, half a watermelon and nobody but me is eating it. I'm going to make it into a frozen drink."
He's the type of guy who immediately starts looking stuff up on his phone.... So he started looking up frozen watermelon drinks. He showed me a few....
Then found the recipe for the Watermelon Frose.
"I'll post it on [faceplace] so you can get the recipe."
And he did.
My plan was to wait until TODAY, Friday night, to mix that bad boy up and get a little tipsy so I wouldn't be all hung over at work the next day.
Do you think I did that????
Nope....
So, there I was last night, smiling at my bee house, sitting on my balcony, drinking my frozen watermelon drink.
One drink... Two drinks.... Three drinks....
Before I knew it, it was ALL gone.
Now, this is a drink comprised of a fruit that is mainly water. I don't have to tell you how many times I had to get up and to pee during the night last night..... But, there was also one other unexpected side effect to this whole adventure.
The Hangover from Hell.
I'm certain it's from being dehydrated from all the trips to the bathroom.... But, I can feel my heartbeat in my eye sockets.
How is this possible when I didn't even really get drunk??? I had felt a little tipsy, a little happy, like I normally feel after a beer or two, I never experience this kind of side affect from a beer or two.
Today is going to be sheer hell if I can't kick this headache soon. I'm on my second glass of water and two tylenol in....
Here's to happy hydrating!
TGIF!
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16
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I bought a bee house!
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Posted:Jun 4, 2020 3:59 pm
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2020 12:55 am
12175 Views
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I've been eyeballing it for over a month now.... And finally decided to just do it!! I wonder if it will actually attract any bees.
It's still a work in progress....
But I'm now able to have a relaxing cup of coffee on the balcony in the morning. The best way to start the day.
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26
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(Page:)
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On Today's Episode of 'To Tell the Truth'....
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Posted:Jun 3, 2020 4:45 pm
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2020 5:35 pm
10088 Views
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Bobby Sue Coworker calls Secret_Lade 2 minutes before she is headed out the door to tell her that she has "the virus".
So, Bobby Sue claimed on Monday that she had the symptoms to COVID-19 when she was doing the intake screen.
Not the first time this has happened as employees have discovered it's a mandatory 3 days off without any hits against your attendance.
Beautiful day outside?? My throat is feeling a little sore...
Hung over from the night before?? I think my headache is COVID related...
Looking for a mini vacation?? I've got a fever... That's seven days off!
The requirement, though, is to get tested for the virus. In order to come back, you must be virus free. Not too terribly difficult, we're essential workers, we can walk in and state we have a failed health screen and they will test us right away.
When Bobby Sue started by saying she had the virus, I was thinking.... Oh shit.
Here it comes.
Then she continued....
"My test came back negative but my doctor says I have it."
"If your test is negative, what did the doctor see that would cause him to think otherwise?"
"I didn't actually see the doctor, I did the online Blue Cross visit. He is certain I have the virus thought."
Um.... Yah....
"What kind of documentation did he give you? Do you have anything stating you're infected, I'll need to turn this in right away."
"I just have a note putting me off for two weeks."
"Does it state anything about being infected?"
"No. Just to quarantine for two weeks for symptoms."
Ok, so.... Let me get this straight. You have a NEGATIVE result on your swab test. Your doctor is an online Blue Cross doctor who didn't actually see you. Your doctor note is telling you to quarantine for symptoms.
But, you have the virus.
Ok, I can 100% believe that you believe you have it, so I can go with it.
"Ok. I'm going to need you to take a picture of your note and email it to me so I can forward it on."
"I can just drop it off tomorrow when I pick up my prescriptions."
"Bobby Sue! You're telling me you have COVID-19 and your doctor is telling you to quarantine, you can't be around other people. That's the purpose of the quarantine. Anyone and everyone you come into contact with has the potential to get infected."
Momentary silence....
"How will I get my prescriptions?"
Do I hear tears?
"I don't want my husband to be out in public, he's at risk."
Am I REALLY hearing this??
"Bobby Sue, I'm not going to tell you what to do, you will need to make that call for yourself. But, if you truly are infected, you cannot come here to drop off that note. You're doctor wants you to quarantine, that means, no contact with anyone."
Now... Do you think Bobby Sue is.... Telling the Truth?
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25
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Some people get under your skin...
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Posted:Jun 2, 2020 2:52 pm
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2020 3:39 pm
8949 Views
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My work BFF stopped by my office today to ask me how I was doing.
He said to me... "Some people get under your skin, and not in a bad way, a good way. You're one of those people who got under my skin."
He was expressing concern as I haven't been myself for a while. I told him I haven't felt like myself for a while. I can't pinpoint what's wrong, but something just isn't right. I just wanted to talk to him, and try to mull things over, but God dammit, everybody and their brother wanted to hover outside my door and be a fucking pain in the ass.
"Someone made a mess in the bathroom." You're a big girl, clean the fucker.
"I need to be off on Monday, I just wanted to let someone know." It's fucking Tuesday, you will see your manager between now and then.
"Can I get some gloves?" No
"One of my friends just gave me this gift card for being an essential worker!" Accepting gratuitous gifts and money is AGAINST company policy!
"Do you know where [someone who is visibly not in my office!] is?" NO!! You can use a phone the same as I can. Page them.
Needless to say... I didn't get the opportunity to vent my feelings or frustrations about anything and, in fact, got just a little bit angrier at all the needy fucking assholes I work with.
Work BFF thinks I need a vacation, and, he's probably right. The problem is, who wants to go on vacation now when everything is a fucking mess in the economy? Businesses open? Closed?? Travel ban???
I'm also feeling a hair lonely....
In a sea full of people who are coupled up... There is me. I feel like the lone who never gets picked for a team.
This too, shall pass, I know.... But it's an awfully emotional journey for me.
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22
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Death by Yoga
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Posted:Jun 1, 2020 3:48 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2020 4:45 am
8847 Views
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So.... Yah.
The stretching yoga thing??
I want to die. My legs are SO sore.
Ugh...
I decided to take a walk after work today, hoping like hell I might be able to loosen up my sore leg muscles.
Didn't help....
But I did pick the most beautifully fragrant bouquet of lilacs, making it all worth it. If there was one scent in the world I would want to smell forever, it would be the smell of blooming lilacs.
Sigh....
On a somewhat related side note: The governor lifted the stay at home order, but she is still not allowing gyms and salons to open.
Good God Woman!
I need my bangs cut and a regular gym routine again.
While I don't trust myself enough to cut my own bangs, at least I have a walking path right near my apartment. I'll be the Chewbacca on the walking path...
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17
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And.... She's off!
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Posted:May 31, 2020 3:00 pm
Last Updated:Jun 3, 2020 5:02 pm
8070 Views
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The Spawn is spending the week with her BFF.... The one who lives hours away.
She's lucky I love the little shit, and the BFF too, cause I drove an hour and a half just to meet the other Mom half way.
I think that might just put me in the running for Mother of the Year.
Perhaps a parade thrown in my honor??
But, I digress....
So, I did decide to see if I could find another online yoga class today.
This time I tried Yoga Stretches for Flexibility... My legs are currently rubber, but I managed to do the whole 30 minute class out on my balcony.
It was amazing...
Except for the barking beneath me and the brief moments I wanted to die.
A very important discovery was made as a result of my online balcony yoga. I am NOT flexible.
This is going to take some work.
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16
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To link to this blog (secret_lade) use [blog secret_lade] in your messages.
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