Alone...an insight to who i am....
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Posted:Aug 5, 2013 2:14 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:51 am
4525 Views
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I was sitting here last night thinking about the future... with everything that is going on in my life lately there are times when i feel i need to reflect on the decisions that i have made and then look to where i am going to take them. for those of that have read my blog before or chatted with me in length in the chat room know that the biggest thing for me right now is dealing with my terminally ill mother. through my life i have met several people that have never had to go through some of the pain and loss that i have had to and then there are others that have so they are able to relate in a sense on how i feel some days.
when i was 17 i suffered one of the greatest losses of my life. that is when my dad passed away. he truly was my hero, my best friend, my biggest supporter and my daddy. despite the fact that it has been 21 years since i lost him i can still bring up the images of that last night in my head like it just happened and despite my best efforts to keep them at bay because of the pain that comes with them they seem to pop back to the forefront of my mind at any given moment and most of them are the wrong moments.
when i lost my dad it was like my world had ended. i walked around in a fog the majority of the time. yes there were things that i had to do such as finish my senior year of high school. i just didn't care. i would come home from school and open my bottle of vodka and mix a drink in order to relax and calm down from what i felt was torture at the time. my brother at this time was stationed in guam so i didn't have to worry about him being around to bother me, and my mom's way of dealing with it was to through herself into work, so she spent most days and evenings there. the majority of the time i was alone to dwell in the hurt and pain that i felt. with the more pain that i felt the more i felt the need to drink. at any given time my senior year of high school there was a 1/2 gallon of vodka under my bed in the hiding spot that i had.
being brought up in my family with the values of my parents they believed that we (my brother & myself) had to work for what we wanted. the first job that i had was when i was 11, i had to have my brother be the primary on the paper route that we had because the newspaper wouldn't let anyone under the age of 12 have a route soley in their name because of it being morning delivery. when dad passed away mom made me stop working because i was receiving death benefits from social security. so other then when i was in my fog at school i really had very limited socialization with people through out the week until it came to the weekends when i could escape to a friends house.
i can't blame my mom nor my dad for the choices that i made when i was in my late teens nor in my 20's. it really isn't their fault. i am the one that made the decisions that i made. some of those decisions made me stronger and others had worse effects on me.
right before my 22nd birthday i was in an apartment fire when i lived in southern california. my roommate/friend didn't make it out of the apartment alive and they had to bring me back to life that morning. it probably isn't the greatest thing to say but there have been many times in the last 16 years that i really wish that the roles would have been reversed and i would have been the one that didn't make it out. it is kind of strange when i look back to that chapter of my life and i remember the suicide attempt that i had made just a month prior to the fire happening. i have always wondered why i spared and what is the reason i am here.
even though growing up we didn't go to church every sunday but we did believe in god. growing up in a spiritual household i was always taught that i wouldn't ever have to go through anything that i wasn't strong enough for.
since my life was given back to me i have been through 2 marriages that both ended because of physical abuse. even though there was emotional and verbal abuse through out both of my marriages i didn't walk until the physical started.
there has been so much trauma and so much pain in my life and i know that it isn't over yet. the next devistation that i am going to have to deal with in my life is going to be the loss of my mom. when that day happens i really am not sure if i am going to be able to hold it together. hell there are times right now that i can't hold it together especially when i think of what my life is going to be like when she is gone.
the only thing that i know for certain that when it happens is the fact that i truly am going to be alone. how is anyone going to want to be around someone that is as broken as i will be.
i'm 38 years old and my body is already giving up on me, my emotions are so out of whack that it isn't funny, and with this upcoming loss at this point i feel like my spirit is going to be broken as well.
i'm starting to loose my words so i will end this before it just becomes random jumble that no one can read or understand.....
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Honesty pt 2.......
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Posted:Jul 19, 2013 4:10 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:51 am
4596 Views
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okay the reason that i decided to do a part 2 to my original post is because my brain seems to have more to offer.
this to me is one of those things that once a question is answered then i have ten more questions to follow upon that answer.
one person commented on the first part of this blog stating that it was self image and self preservation. my questions with this are would the lies that are being told big enough to completely ruin someones self image and self preservation??? what would be considered a lie that would be able to do this??? i honestly believe that once a person is caught in a lie, no matter the size, then their self image and self preservation is broken down. depending on where the lie was told or what the lie concerned it could completely break both of those down completely. word of mouth is the strongest thing out there in the world today, whether it be for a product you purchase, a site you use, or a person. once a person is branded a liar then their self image would be ruined and with that would be their self preservation as well. is that something you truly can back from? so wouldn't it just be simpilar to tell the truth to begin with.
No one on the face of this earth is perfect. everyone has flaws and that is what makes people who they are. so have we become so lost as a society that we as individuals would rather create ourselves to be something that we aren't in the hopes that it won't be found out instead of telling the truth about who we are?
that actually brings me to something else that has been on my mind, which is online personas.
even now there are people that make up a persona to go online, whether they feel the need to hide something or because they like the anonimity of having this persona. since this is something that i haven't done since i feel that i very much the same way in person that i am when i am chatting online it makes me wonder.
once a person creates this persona to me they are inventing either a different version of themselves or a version of someone that they wish that they could be.... hey i might be way off base with this and if i am i hope that someone will chime in and let me know their views on this. with creating this persona are the thoughts, feelings and emotions that are had under this persona just as false as person they have created or are they the thoughts, feelings and emotions of the person that created it. if it is the later of the two then wouldn't it be easier to just go with the truth of everything from the start? i have heard in the past the saying that "married people cheat because they want to be caught" is that the same for someone under a persona? that they really want to be found out?
people seem stunned when they ask me what i am looking for in a guy and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is honesty. to me i would rather know things up front so i can make a logical decision on my own instead of being forced into more of an emotional decision that would cause not only hurt feelings but things to be said that may not be truly meant at the time.
that then leads my mind to forgiveness. i have always said that i can forgive almost anything but i will never forget. but once you forgive someone for lying and loosing your trust in them, do you truly ever regain full trust in them again? or should you?? then if you do forgive them of one thing, why not forgive them the 2nd,3rd,4th or 5th time for the same thing that they did orginally. would you be then deemed as a person that you let people walk all over you because you choose to forgive? and if you forgive someones words, statements, actions but someone else doesn't feel that you should does that make you a bad person???
i know that with my life i have been physically abused by both of my ex-husbands and when the physical started with both of them i walked away from both my marriages. i felt empowered because i had the courage to walk away from them. now i look back and play the mental "videos" of our relationships through my head and wonder why i let the emotional and verbal abuse in both of them go on as long as i did. i have friends in my life that question me because i do not wish any ill will on either of my ex husbands and i hope that they both have good lives, as long as they stay out of my life i'm fine. i know with my first husband i have forgiven him for the things that happened in the marriage, my second one i have yet to forgive for the abuse that i dealt with. but because of my wish for them have i in a way forgiven him?
the more and more that i ponder this topic the more that i keep coming back to one statement in my mind. people need to be able to be honest with themselves in order to be honest with other people.
i know first hand that the truth stings, but i would rather have the truth then some drawn out lie that will cause more hurt in the end. hopefully there are others out there that feel the same way as i do.
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Honesty......
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Posted:Jul 19, 2013 1:02 pm
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2013 1:12 pm
6516 Views
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Is there anyone out there other then me that believes in being honest?
There have been a lot of things that have been going on in the last few months that have made me really question this. I have always believed that i can't go wrong with telling the truth. I know that i have a pretty good memory but with everything else that runs through my mind why should i add lying to that jumble, with keeping up what lie i told to who.
maybe i am a rarity especially on a site that is dedicated to sex and swinging.  but from a few of the others that i have talked to on here, okay there are more then a few, one of the most important thing that you can have in this lifestyle is TRUST. well if that is so then how is lying to someone gaining their trust, much less keeping their trust once they have found out that you lied?
i know that i have been described by more then a few over my lifetime that i am way to trusting of people and that i wear my heart on my sleeve. i have to tell you though that from being who i am (one that easily trusts) that once someone has broken that trust that initially give them it is so much harder for me to trust them again or have any kind of faith in what they say.
i like most everyone else have seen the talk shows where someone is deceived in some way or another and the first thing that the host ask them is "wouldn't have this been better if you would have been honest with them to begin with?"
yes i know that i am not a barbi, yes i know that every person in the world is not going to be my friend, or acquaintance. i seem to have a fine line to where people either like me or they hate me. but i have to tell you that i am tired, extremely tired of the ones that think that they can lie to me and not be caught up in their lies.
what is the point of someone not only wasting their time but mine as well with the lies that they tell. yes i understand that there are some weird glitches here with the site that make it where you are not the correct age. that is one thing, but when people blatently deceive people about something as simple as that it really makes me wonder how much else of their life is false. are these people doing this to make themselves feel better? there are a few that i have known over the years that amazingly their age has never changed in the whole time that i have been here. a few of them i have met. no they are not all female and they are not all male, it really is a mix of the two. i guess it just goes back to being honest.
do people feel that they need to lie and deceive others because it makes them feel better? do they not think that not just the minor things can effect others? or do they not care??? or do they believe that because it was said on the internet that it doesn't count?
i can't speak for everyone but i can speak for myself that i am a real person with real feelings and emotions. because i spend so much time online chatting with people in the chat rooms and via instant messaging i would have to say that i do take things personally. the majority of the people that i speak with are ones that i have met in person and we do share things that are going on in our real lives with each other, so why is it seem like it is so wrong by others that i have an emotionally reaction to being lied to.
i have recently been trying to detox myself from spending so much time on this site and a few other social networking sites that i am on because i feel that i need clarity from it all. granted with my situation in life not just caring for my mom, but also only having my 4 walls of my house to stare out day in and day out it does make it hard to not want to be on the computer doing something.
maybe i just have some other things that i just need to ponder on a bit, as well as look back into the archives of my mind to rehash some of the things that have been recently said to see if they mesh up with the prior ones. *shrugs* i guess that i am just going to be left out in the dark like i have been so many other times in my life.... oh well like then life does go on....
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Are you F**kin Kidding me?
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Posted:Jun 28, 2013 7:23 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2013 10:34 am
4773 Views
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Let me start this out with a little bit of background. The person that is posted in the picture is a guy that comes into the local chat room. He has been in and out of there for quite a few years. Not long after his "death" he changed his screen name to what it is now. For a long time this man was one of my friends. Not only did we talk in the chat room but we also talked over the phone.
About 9 months or so ago there started to be a lot of drama in the chat room, and all of it revolved around this individual. One day as I was getting to leave my house with my mom in tow to go have lunch with some friends in ICT he walks into the chat room. At the same time as him entering the room happened i posted to the person that i was talking to that i needed to run and i would be back later. When i get home from my lunch i have an e-mail sitting there waiting for me. It was from him. Here is the actual quoted email from him. " ROMANTIC62011: im glad i see where i rank cant even say hi your so called friends you call would back you up in a heartbeat i see where i rank u can join ur so called drama queens hoh and the rest have fun with them "
I tried to email him back because he obviously did not see the post that i made in the room that i needed to run to meet people for lunch but he had made it to where i could not do so. this was someone that was suppose to be my friend but yet just because i didn't say hello to him he goes off on me like this. mmmm i don't think so. from that moment on i have not said another word to him. nor will i.
I am still stunned from the fact that he actually things that i would put his sorry self back into my friends network. honestly who would accept that shit??? do people really think that others are that stupid and they forget when they are dogged by other? i know that i am a pretty forgiving person, there are a few things that i won't forgive though. what he did crossed the line into the unforgiveable, and he truly showed his true self with that bullshit as well.
i was begining to think before i got that network invite on here that i had pretty much seen it all. i really was wrong to think that.....now i am just going to sit back and wait for the next completely stupid and outrageous thing that some idiot will do. guess it is a good thing that my new years resolution was to be more of a bitch this year. some of the other members on this site are helping me keep it that is for sure.
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Private VS Public
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Posted:Jun 21, 2013 12:39 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2013 9:12 pm
5140 Views
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i have been debating on whether or not to write a blog about this topic for a long time, and with the events that have occurred recently i have decided to do just that and voice the thoughts that have been running through my head.
i see issues all the time through all sorts of the various social networking outlets including here and the reactions that some people have to the comments that they have made. most of the reactions are very rude to the people who comment. usually i try to stay out of those issues and just sit here at my computer and shake my head when i see them.
the other night in the chat room i was brought into an issue between 2 of the chatters in there. there is one that use to come into the room all the time hadn't been in for awhile that i can remember (the male) and the other one that is in there pretty consistently (the female). both of these chatters are people that i have talked to on numerous occasions and the one that is a consistent person in the room i have met in person on several occasions.
the other night in the mist of having a decent room discussion between the 4 or 5 of us that were in there, the male comes into the room. of course since i hadn't seen him for a bit i posted a hello and ltns to him asking him how he was doing. once i had done that i was asked to do a "favor" by the female, she wanted me to remind the male of who she was. so i made a statement to him about who she was trying to jog his memory and he simply stated back to me that he didn't remember her. then i proceeded to ask him to im me. personally i do not believe that there are things that need to be said in a public forum. y'all have to keep in mind that he said NOTHING to her. well in the middle of speaking with him about various things in private (the majority of which did NOT include her) i was also on the phone with a friend of mine and chatting in the room. She continued to make multiple defaming posts against the male. He still said NOTHING to her in the room. I have absolutely no clue what transpired between the 2 of them outside of the room and i could care less. After about an hour or so of her posting mean and rude comments that were directed at him, he posted in the room a "good night and sweet dreams was good to talk to you post to me" then left the room.
after he was gone i asked her simply "since it is kinda obvious that he doesn't want to talk why don't you just let it go?" the reply that i received from her was "He knows what he said/did, it is between him and I" so my next statement to her was "well then wouldn't it be better to keep it in private versus putting it in public?" i didn't get a response from that statement and after a few minutes i posted goodnight to everyone in the room.
i have been around here long enough to know that there are things that transpire and are said between people in private. but why can't people keep them private??? once someone states something in a PUBLIC chat room or on a different social networking site then they are open for discussion. the poster at that point has to realize the chance that they are taking that a comment is going to be made that they are not going to like or agree with. if they do not want other peoples opinions about what they have stated then they should not make it public for the world to see.
that night in the room this man never said anything to her, she stated at one point that he is the one that started it all in the room. sorry but that is extremely incorrect. i was there, i remember and she is the one that dragged me into what was going on between them.
so i guess the only way for me to close this is going to be before you post something into a public forum you might want to think to yourself even if it is for a split second are you really ready to handle what comments might be made from your statement.
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The exhausting weekend
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Posted:Jun 14, 2013 8:35 pm
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2013 11:15 am
4904 Views
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I know that i should have made this post on tuesday but i am now finally recoupperated from my weekend from hell. (if you want to know see previous blog post) Well i knew before the weekend started that my brother was truly one of the biggest douche bags that i have ever met in my life. while he was here he just proved that to me more and more. in the 4 days that they spent here, they could only spend 10 hours, yes i said hours with my mom. I have to say that there was one really good thing that came out of this. my mom finally said something to him about the way his treatment of her over the last 7 years if not a little more has made her feel. she told him straight out that he is not to come back here unless i need him to be here. if i don't then he is not welcome. i'm sure that it broke my mom's heart to have to tell her only that but these are words that she has needed to say for a long time. it took mom several days also to recover from the weekend and she is starting to feel a little bit better then what she was earlier in the week but she is still being awful clingy. (mind you that isn't a problem) i made a comment to a friend of mine who jokingly stated "well i'm glad to see that you aren't in lock up" that i'm hoping that the finality of what this last opportunity was for him on his plane ride back to PA and that these will be the regrets that he has to live with not me and i refuse to live his regrets for him. i do have to say that the last full night that they were here when they had come over to dinner that the only thing from me not beating the shit out of my brother was the fact that my beautiful 3 1/2 yr old nephew was on the porch with us and i would not and will not do anything violent in front of him.
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4 hrs and counting
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Posted:Jun 7, 2013 10:03 am
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2013 9:51 pm
4909 Views
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well i have 4 hrs before the weekend from hell starts.... i will let ya know monday if i ended up in county or not..... someone save me!!!!! please
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here is hoping......
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Posted:Jun 5, 2013 11:49 am
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2013 8:16 pm
5355 Views
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well i have a big weekend coming up. my brother & his family are going to be here to say their final goodbyes to mom. the only plus that is coming out of this is the fact that i am going to get to spend some time with my "lil man" (my 3 1/2 yr old nephew). i honestly though have a very strong feeling that i am going to end up in the county lock up by the time the weekend is over. and yes for those of you who are wondering i have already arranged bail money lol....
granted for the majority of my life there has been tension or bad blood between my brother and myself. typically we get along so much better when we live a minimum of 3 hours apart but where the stuff with mom is concerned there are many things that he has done that just have my blood boiling and they are unforgiveable in my eyes. nor will they be forgotten.
since my brother has always been a procrastonater it has always fallen in my lap to make sure that mom got birthday cards and mother's day cards from him. this has happened more often then not that the day before either of those days i will get a call from him saying that he forgot and can i get something for her and just put his name on it.
when mom got sick back in Aug 2011 and they were in the process of moving her from a regular room at the hospital into icu i was on the phone with my brother. the doctors and nurses were telling me that they weren't expecting her to come out of this. my dear sweet brother before he would even book a trip to come out here demanded that he speak to either a doctor or a nurse to verify that something was wrong. when he got here he was more concerned with the fact of this stay in the hospital for mom would bankrupt her or not. all i was worried about was getting mom home. i guess that you could say that was really my breaking point. from then on i wasn't going to take any more of his shit.
that year mom wanted them to come out here for christmas... that was the only thing that she asked for. and yet again my dear sweet brother broke moms heart. because i wanted my mom to have the opportunity to spend time with her only grandchild we scheduled a trip to see them in april of 2012. before the end of our 10 day stay there, not only did we not get to spend a lot of the time with my nephew but we ended the trip with me telling my dear sweet brother to go screw himself and leaving their home and went back to our hotel.
when mom and i are here at home i try not to discuss my brother. i know that the rift that him and i have upsets mom. and the last thing that i want to do is to be the cause of her being upset.
march of this year the doctor ordered hospice for mom because her condition has become worse. because of mom i keep my brother informed of everything that is going on with her condition, otherwise i wouldn't talk to him, don't see a point to it. he rarely calls to talk to her and just visit. well my brother informed us that him and his family were going to come out here to visit over memorial weekend. we had been planning on them being here for over a month, then 3 wks prior i get a phone call from my brother telling me that they aren't able to do memorial weekend out here. my statement to him was "i am not going to be the one to break mom's heart by telling her this, You are going to have to break her heart" then i told him to screw off and hung up on him. that night i talked to mom and she told me that he had called, she was on the verge of tears when she told me this. i asked her if she told him how upset she was over them cancelling and she told me that it wouldn't do any good. she also said that she didn't need to get upset by bringing up that fact with him. you can imagine how much i was seething at the pain that he caused mom. as calmly as i could i told her that when she woke up the next morning and i was gone and one of the cousins were here to watch over her it was because i was going to make the 16 hr drive to his house to cause him bodily harm.
well right after memorial wknd i received a call from him stating that their flights were booked and they would be here this weekend. he knows that mom wants to have family portraits done when they get here. i have already booked a session with a local photographer. when i advised him of the time that session was booked he proceeded to yell at me because he didn't think that a session at 10:30 am was early enough. since then i have received 2 calls from him bitching over something or other about the upcoming weekend.
because i know my brother i know that this will be the last time he sees our mom before she passes. she knows this too and has said so much. i'll be damned if i let him hurt her in any way while he is here. granted i am 2 1/2 years younger then him but i have been able to beat him up since i was a and i won't stop now. just gotta keep my fingers crossed that the ones that i have arranged my bail money with will be there when i call.
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make my day ....
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Posted:Jun 5, 2013 11:20 am
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2013 8:09 am
3899 Views
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well the other day was perfect.... that is the only way that i could describe it. not only did i get to see my niece that i haven't seen since christmas along with some other friends that were with her, but i got to talk to a dear friend of mine that i haven't talked to since march. talk about needing that. i have well learned over the years that i have been on here that people that you chat with come and go out of your life. i guess that i am pretty fortunate for the fact that most that i have gotten to know, whether it be just in the chat room, over actually real life conversations or meeting in person, that most of the ones that i hold very dear to my heart always seem to come back at the times when i didn't realize that i needed them the most.
i really don't know if Hans knows how much he brightened up my day when he called, or how much he shocked me from having him call. i have no doubt that he could hear the elation in my voice as we talked. i just know that i am thankful that i got to talk to him again. i have missed the chats that we use to have, the hours and hours of talking about anything and everything under the sun. the mutual living through each other vicariously when the other was doing something more exciting at the time then the other wasn't.
i am often asked why i keep chatting here, or why i have been around here for as long as i have and the simple reason is the friendships that i have made from chatting on here. there are others that are on this site that have made similiar friendships wether it is through the chat rooms or through the blogs so they fully understand what i mean. to me friendship is priceless, and unfortunately with the distance and circumstances of life that it makes it hard for me to be face to face with some of my friends so the chat rooms give us the opportunity to catch up on each others lives and visit since we can't do it over a cup of coffee or tea in person.
i hope that everyone will have a nice surprise that will brighten up their day as much as that call from Hans did to mine the other day. personally i don't think that there is anything better then having a huge smile on your face and not one of those fake or forced smiles, but one of the ones that comes from something that makes you happy all the way down to your heart.
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thinks that make you stop and go hmmmmm
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Posted:Jun 1, 2013 4:01 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:51 am
3758 Views
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well i had a very interesting afternoon yesterday.... wasn't expecting it to be as interesting as it was. ya know when you go to wally world there is usually some organization outside that is looking for a , i'm not sure about the rest of y'all but i know for me unless it is the girl scouts or something for the vets i don't stop and i keep walking. well as i was dreading the fact that i had to go into wally world to begin with yesterday as i was cruising the parking lot for a parking space i saw that there was someone sitting at their table there by the doors looking for a . i really didn't pay them much attention as i was walking into the store but just as i entered the door i heard him say something about vets suffering from PTSD. well i went about my shopping thinking of the many friends that i have who are vets and then started thinking of the ones of them that do suffer from PTSD. on my way out of the store i stopped to talk to the gentleman that was there at the table. he told me about the organization that he was collecting for. this organization once a vet signs up with them will send them out a therapy cd that way for the ones that aren't close to a VA clinic will have some of the therapy that they need when they need it and not for some 3 hrs away. this touched my heart and of course i didn't think twice when i opened my wallet to give my to them.
i'm not sure about everyone else but with all that has been going on in the world today i am sure that almost anyone that reads this is going to know at least 1 person that is either in the military presently or has already served for our country. i know that the site will block out the website so i am going to make it a little cryptic when i put it here at the bottom.. all these men and women have given their lives to serve our country and protect all of us here so we can have the freedoms that we have. i really do urge everyone that if they know someone to pass on this information. unless you have actually lived it yourself then you don't know the best way in order to help someone that is going through PTSD or how bad some of those flashbacks can be.
that location that they can get this information is patriotoutreach (dot) org
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The Barn Door
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Posted:May 26, 2013 2:25 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2014 12:40 am
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Yesterday was a wonderful and marvelous day for me and mom. we got up early and went out to Ransom, KS for the day to the family farm and cemetary. As far back as i can rememeber Memorial weekend has been spent by this side of my family at the farm. we gather and have a bbq and then as tradition before we leave we write on the barn door. I'm sure that y'all are wondering what kind of messed of family i am from since we write on this door. well first i have to begin with saying that it isn't just one door that we would write on.. it is a series of 4 doors, but as you can see from the picture that i am posting with this that we have actually sometimes need to move on to the other parts there on the front of the barn. the front of this barn is a history of my family. i feel honored and priveledged that i am the first that has ever been able to capture any of the writing that is on it on film. to us it is a timeless treasure that if anything were to happen to the barn then the memories will continue going on for generations to come and for the generations of the family that are still here. My great grandparents bought this farm back in the early 1900's. the oldest writing that i have been able to find on there is from back in 1934, done by my great grandfather. granted it wasn't anything special or spectacular that he wrote other then just a statement that that is when the new windmill was gotten. but for me and the rest of my family that means the world. most of my generation (the 3rd generation) and some of the 2nd generation didn't have a chance to know my great grandfather, given the fact that he passed in 1977. but having the ability to be in his shoes at one moment in time is priceless. you know that for something so common as to get a new windmill must have been a wonderous thing especially since he made a note of it on the door. through the years my family, aunts & uncles, cousins and the like have made notations on births, family get togethers, weddings and deaths on this door. sometimes putting to words what we felt on those particular days. while looking at the door and reading through the writing on it this weekend i found statements that made me laugh, made me smile and then the ones that made me cry. memories of good times and bad were brought up all in a matter of minutes. knowing that i have these notations on film i can always cherish them and look back at the good times and the bad without having to drive out there. yes even from here it is quite a drive for me. but i will also be able to share all these memories via pictures with my family which some of them aren't able to make it the farm. they will be able to look back and remember the good times that we all have had there.
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you've put a spell on me.....
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Posted:May 19, 2013 12:18 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:51 am
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i am sure that there will be a lot of females that will be able to relate to some if not quite a few of the following statements that i am getting ready to make.
as a women there is good sex, great sex and then mind blowing sex. more often then not for me it is either good or great... think that there have only been 3 people in my life that have ever been able to achieve mind blowing sex. and god lord watch out world for the guy that actually does cause me to have mind blowing sex.
i had an interesting conversatation with my "Superman" last night. First off i need to say that he has NEVER once told me that i am not allowed to be with anyone else if i choose to play with someone. the main reason that it is this way is the fact that my Superman works all the time... typically it is either 12-15 hrs a day 7 days a week, so the time that we get to spend together is very limited but i have to admit that it is always amazing. the conversation that we had last night entailed the fact that i myself have chosen at this time not to be with anyone else and i guess that for him it is hard to understand (trust me in my brain it all makes utter and complete sense) my Superman is one of the 3 in my lifetime that has ever caused me to have the ultimate "mind blowing sex" and i swear that he put a spell on me the first time that we were together because honestly it was like both of us were animals. i think that both of us sweated off about 3 pounds that night.... but enough about that (gotta get out of that memory or i will be craving something that i know that i can't have today since he is at work)....the way that he tried to rationalize the conversation that we had last night was that because he works so much that he doesn't want to hold me back from having my needs fulfilled. so i tried to explain to him that it isn't that i don't have the option to have those needs fulfilled it is that i choose not to because i know that with some of the ones that i can get in touch with the sex would be on the verge of good and great but it isn't mind blowing and dammit since i know that all i have to do is wait for a few days and i can have the all mighty mind blowing sex from him that i don't need to... yes i know that y'all are probably thinking that this girl has completely lost her mind... probably sitting there as you read this and shaking your head that this chick that has these nympho tendencies is passing up good or great sex to wait on this guy...but if you have ever had the ultimate mind blowing sex then you would understand i guess.
then my Superman decided to go a little further after i made that statement to go well if it is someone that you haven't been with yet then how do you know that it won't be as good as what we do?? mmm how do i explain this to him to where he can understand that he is only the 3rd in my lifetime of having sex to accomplish this??? hell that is 26 years of sex... honestly i am probably averaging pretty damn good with having 3 in that time frame but oh hell i just don't know.
finally after explaining it to the best of my ability ( and must have been good enough for him at that point because he got this little satisfied smirk on his face, yes despite what he believes i did see the smirk) this wonderful topic of discussion ended up being closed. i also learned a new thing about my sexy Superman last night... one that kinda suprised me a bit to learn at that.. he is almost as much of an exhibitionist as i am.
here we were still sitting in my dining room. i had made a comment earlier on that i might as well smoke a cigarette because that was obviously the only thing that i would get to suck on tonight, since he was being a meanie (believe me i say that completely lovingly) the front windows in my living room i had one of the curtains open so that i could look out onto the major street that is in front of my house and i also had my front door open as well. I started to show him some pictures of the farm that i took when i went out there on my last daytrip so he could see them and i pulled out a cigarette and went and grabbed my lighter and he knocks it out of my hand. believe me it didn't take me long to realize what he was doing... in the moment that i was pulling up the pictures on my computer he had granted me nice and easy access to the thing that i wanted in my mouth. i honestly don't think that i have spun around that quickly in my life....within half a heartbeat i had him in my mouth here in full view of anyone passing by on the street. never in my mind would i have thought that he would have the exhibitionist tendencies (can i just say mmmm mmmmm mmmm to the fact that he does?) we then proceeded to have another session of mind blowing sex right here at my computer desk in full view of anyone passing by. i will have to give some cuddos to mother nature because she let loose one hell of a storm in the middle of our mind blowing sex session. so unless the neighbors were tuned in for my moans and screams of passion then they probably didn't hear them over the thunder that was pounding right along with us. after we finished and got ourselves "recollected" unfortunately he had to go home to bed because of a nice wonderful 4am wake up call for work this morning. right before he walked out the front door in the middle of our kissing g'nite i told him that it was a shame he had to work today because i would love for us to have round two out in the back yard in the rain. wonderfully enough he agreed with me about it being a shame he had to work this morning because he would love to be out there in the rain with me......oh life is grand....
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