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Random thoughts and insights from me. Send a good joke; I love good jokes and will repost them here. NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase New Phrase 1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible 2. Your fucking joking Really3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem7. Eat shit and die You don't say8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don't say, Sir9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you10. He's a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive11. That's fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe12. You haven't got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today14. What sort of fucker are you You're new here aren't you?15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go 16. You're a fucking wanker You're my manager and I respect you17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn't there that day18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labor20. Fuck off I'll look into that and get back to youYes this is me.    |
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The 50 year sentence
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Posted:Oct 16, 2008 5:54 am
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2008 10:06 pm
13819 Views
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A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!!!!
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The Highrise???
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Posted:Oct 15, 2008 2:28 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2008 8:53 pm
13566 Views
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Two men were working on top of a building.
Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks by their boss. Unsurprisingly, during the day one man had to take a piss so he asked his co-worker to help him slide a plank of wood out the edge of the building, then his co-worker could stand on the end of the plank on the building while he walked out to the other end and take his piss.
While the guy was taking a piss the boss round the corner and his co-worker on the building end of the plank stepped off and attempted to appear active. The guy on the other end of the plank fell off the building and died.
A police investigation had to be carried out, since it appeared mysterious that a man would fall from a building holding his prick.
After questioning people who were around, only one old woman could give proper evidence.
When questioned she told the police that the man must have been having sex on the rooftop because as he was falling, he was crying, "Oh Lord the cunt moved".
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Once again another needs your prayers.
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Posted:Oct 14, 2008 4:45 pm
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2008 1:17 am
13780 Views
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Dear friends I have a young friend (24) that has suffered many times do to one illness or another. First last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer; had a lumpectomy and the chemo treatments that go with it. Then a couple of weeks ago she got Mono and is still suffering from the effect of that little nasty thing. Well she had a blood test to see if she had any residual cancer post chemo within the last couple of weeks. Today she told me they are not 100% positive because of the Mono but she may have Leukemia.
Please join me in praying for this beautiful young woman. She lost her mother at a young age to breast cancer and has suffered enough. Anything you can do will be appreciated. I am in shock still at these events and sit here in stunned silence. I was hoping to cheer with her when her blood test came back; anything but this.
In advance thank you for all your prayers and kind words.
Hugs and kisses
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Davids Rude Parrot
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Posted:Oct 14, 2008 1:38 pm
Last Updated:Oct 16, 2008 2:14 am
13657 Views
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David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"
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Your Order is up
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Posted:Oct 13, 2008 7:23 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 5:22 pm
13413 Views
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A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
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My Guardian Angel. Wheeeeew.
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Posted:Oct 12, 2008 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2008 4:33 am
13501 Views
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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
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Sorry , she is you half sister!!!
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Posted:Oct 11, 2008 4:57 pm
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2008 1:30 pm
13883 Views
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One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, ", I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
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Bubbles and Barbie
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Posted:Oct 11, 2008 4:30 am
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2008 2:30 pm
13520 Views
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This one is for Friday!!
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the sideand finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'
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The year in review for a blonde
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Posted:Oct 9, 2008 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Oct 10, 2008 1:13 pm
13464 Views
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January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C"....isn't it?
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound - I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911.... "duh"....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!
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Posting for friend-a pop quiz
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Posted:Oct 9, 2008 1:27 pm
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2008 2:12 am
13769 Views
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A friend of mine 1984Sarah asked that this be posted and answered so she could come visit and learn about us.
The rules: Copy this and put it on your blog. Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not. Then, answer the 30 questions below. This is for your entire life!
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X) Watched someone die
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been to Florida
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the other side of the country
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robber
(X) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only?
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about?
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Been skinny dipping outdoors
(X) Gone to the movies
1. Any nickname? Joey, Taxicab, Popeye, Kidnapman(has to do with college fraternity)and a couple of others not going on here... ask me in person
2. Mother's name? Mary
3. Favorite drink? Arizona Green tea
4. Tattoo? none for me thanks
5. Body Piercings? none
6. How much do you love your job? which one? Working for the Cubs and White Sox yes; Domino's ehhhhh
7. Birthplace? Detroit, Michigan
8. Favorite vacation spot? Mackinaw Island as a and Scotland as an adult
9. Ever been to Africa? yes many of the countries
10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? yes!
11. Ever been on TV?? yes selling food at baseball games, on the BOZO show as a contestant as a
12. Ever steal any traffic sign? no
13. Ever been in a car accident?too many, none of them my fault; Usually sitting waiting to turn or waiting in traffic
14. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4 door (manual transmission)
15. Favorite salad dressing? russian and also balsamic vinegrette
16. Favorite pie? tie between lemon merangue, boston cream, pumpkin and apple (ala mode)
17. Favorite number? 11
18. Favorite movie? way to many to list, there is not just one
19. Favorite holiday? Thanksgiving until 2005. Now ???
20. Favorite dessert? chocolate pudding
21. Favorite food? lazagna
22. Favorite day of the week? Thursday & Saturday
23. Favorite brand of body wash? don't have a favorite
24. Favorite toothpaste? Extreme Clean by Aquafresh
25. Favorite smell? spaghetti sauce cooking on a rainy fall afternoon
26. What do you do to relax? read, listen to music
27. Ever love someone so much it hurts? yes
28. How do you see yourself in 10 years? with you (you know who you are), holding you as you fall asleep.
29. Furthest place you will send this message?There are only 40,000 miles around the earth. How much farther is there??
30. Who will respond to this the fastest? I know who I want to respond to this, but.....will she.
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Do Not Disturb
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Posted:Oct 8, 2008 2:39 pm
Last Updated:Oct 9, 2008 11:24 pm
13526 Views
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "
You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Grumpy visits the Vatican
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Posted:Oct 7, 2008 7:06 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2008 7:12 pm
13428 Views
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Please forgive me for missing yesterdays joke, here it is.
Please enjoy it. I was a little busy yesterday living through the last hours of life for baseball in the city of Chicago. The post-mortum began shortly after the game. Well until next year.
Here is your joke for Monday!!
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my ,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome '
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my , there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
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Roller blading
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Posted:Oct 7, 2008 6:48 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2008 6:35 pm
13456 Views
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A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.
She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut."
The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones."
"No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "
Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser.
So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!"
The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...
"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."
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