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Random thoughts and insights from me. Send a good joke; I love good jokes and will repost them here. NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase New Phrase 1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible 2. Your fucking joking Really3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem7. Eat shit and die You don't say8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don't say, Sir9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you10. He's a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive11. That's fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe12. You haven't got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today14. What sort of fucker are you You're new here aren't you?15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go 16. You're a fucking wanker You're my manager and I respect you17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn't there that day18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labor20. Fuck off I'll look into that and get back to youYes this is me.    |
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The Devil and Saint Peter
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Posted:Nov 30, 2008 6:22 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2008 6:22 pm
13120 Views
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There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
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Crotchless Panties
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Posted:Nov 28, 2008 12:36 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2008 5:48 pm
13252 Views
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A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some Crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those panties!"
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Make sure to wear clean undies!!!!!
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Posted:Nov 25, 2008 7:20 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2008 5:57 pm
13261 Views
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THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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Expensive Panties
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Posted:Nov 24, 2008 6:49 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2008 5:57 pm
13175 Views
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The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
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25th Anniversary
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Posted:Nov 23, 2008 11:20 pm
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2008 6:47 am
13200 Views
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On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening. "Oh. it's not over yet", says the husband. Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills?"
"Aspirin", says he.
"But I don't have a headache," she says.
"There you are, I told you the evening wasn't over yet!"
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The Devil in Church
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Posted:Nov 22, 2008 4:56 pm
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2008 11:16 pm
13191 Views
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."
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Stop Smoking
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Posted:Nov 20, 2008 6:12 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2008 11:14 pm
13096 Views
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A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"
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Moths
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Posted:Nov 19, 2008 6:27 pm
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2008 11:15 pm
13165 Views
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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him into the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
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Headstones
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Posted:Nov 17, 2008 4:43 pm
Last Updated:Nov 18, 2008 11:07 pm
12973 Views
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Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
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No luck with the ladies
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Posted:Nov 15, 2008 1:00 pm
Last Updated:Nov 17, 2008 4:44 pm
13160 Views
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A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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George and the dragon
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Posted:Nov 14, 2008 7:59 am
Last Updated:Nov 17, 2008 4:44 pm
13160 Views
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A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she said again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"
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George and the dragon
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Posted:Nov 14, 2008 7:48 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 4:47 pm
13025 Views
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A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she said again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"
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300
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Posted:Nov 13, 2008 8:56 am
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2008 11:54 am
14099 Views
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To all of you that thought this was going to be about bowling. well it would have been but I bowled that game almost 30 years ago. No this is about my 300th blog entry and my wanting to do something special for my 300th blog entry. But I have absolutely no time now. So instead I will explain why I have no time.
I am going back to college full time and working plus helping my with his homework on a daily basis(for those of you that don't know; my has Autism and ADHD), plus I sing in our churches choir, and am on the leadership team for our Bible study group at church as well. My plate is a little full, to say the least; and I don't see an end in sight.
So there are a number of you with more than 50 blog entries for me to read right now and a few with more than 100. To all of you please have patience with me, I shall return when I can. Maybe around Christmas. Play safe and thank for being here.
Hugs and Kisses to all.
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