Rules of the Bar
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Posted:Feb 1, 2007 2:13 pm
Last Updated:Feb 3, 2007 12:39 pm
3409 Views
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OMG this list is long. Who writes these things?
There's more to it then tipping a glass and acting foolish.
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is not really cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing–urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her OR HIS response.(I had to edit this as it was a bit sexist. Guys are not the only ones to hit on bartenders)
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."
78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
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Good Morning
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Posted:Feb 1, 2007 8:02 am
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2007 8:09 am
3104 Views
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In case I don't see ya', good afternoon, good evening and goodnight.
In any one day there are so many things going on in the world.
People are celebrating: The birth of a baby, their own birthday, a new love, an anniversary, a promotion, a new job, a blue ribbon for first place...
People are sad: The passing of someone close, the loss of a job, The ending of a relationship, a trust being betrayed...
One person is elated the other is miserable and all emotions in between. Tears of sadness and tears of joy.
So for those of you in need of a hug and comforting I send one with all my heart.
And a hearty congratulations to those celebrating. I'm so happy for you. Enjoy! Yippie!
My best to everyone.
SR
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Playing with the Boys!
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Posted:Jan 31, 2007 7:26 am
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2007 11:12 am
3304 Views
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Last night I was bouncing with the boys. Three of them. And the tricks we did. The games we played.
I'm talking about bouncing on a trampoline.
After not having been for a while I got to bounce last night. It felt so good. Tough getting ones spacial awareness back for flying through the air. But flips and twists I did. Routines were put together.
There is a little game called add-on that you play with a number of folks. First person does a trick. Next does that one and adds one of their own. And so it builds. You are out when you can't connect all the skills together. It is a good challenge because you have to connect tricks together that you might not ordinarily combine or are not used to linking together. Pushes you a little and makes you better. A great challenge.
There were some women there but they weren't playing. Including one really good gymnast. It was cool to watch her tumble; Double back flips on floor.
We did a little on the floor but only basic stuff.
Hope to be going more and build my strength and skills back up again.
And I don't want to hear any of this "your not 18 any more" crap. I wasn't doing gymnastics (other than trampoline) when I was 18. I started in my 20s. So there! lol
SR
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Blast from the Past
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Posted:Jan 30, 2007 7:53 am
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2007 11:06 am
3186 Views
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So there I was. Driving down the road, Listening to music (when am I not listening to music when driving other than the occasional comedy and news).
On comes a little Vanilla Ice. Ice Ice Baby.
OK so I listen a little closer to the lyrics than I did back in the day. Something catches my ear:
"Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis"
It was that little "A1A" stuck in there. Certainly would not have had a clue what that was referring to years ago. But with my travels lately I knew just where that was.
Do you know?
Have you heard a song and suddenly realized something about it that never connected before?
SR
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Welcome to my Face
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Posted:Jan 29, 2007 7:38 am
Last Updated:Jan 29, 2007 4:34 pm
3267 Views
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Currently there is no wait for a seat.
Who's next?
Would you please fill out our customer survey?
Do you cum here often?
How has the service been?
Was your seat comfortable?
Would you recommend us to your friends?
Is there something you would like us to do in the future to make your stay more comfortable?
Thank you.
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How many Birthdays have you had this year?
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Posted:Jan 24, 2007 9:01 am
Last Updated:Feb 7, 2007 7:13 am
3324 Views
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So Far I have had 3 Birthdays. One, of course, on my actual Birthday. And two others, one in December and one in January.
It seems that two months in a row, when out to dinner, the group I was with decided they would tell the restaurant it was my birthday.
The first came with all the clapping and singing. And a straw sombrero to take home. Of course I played the whole thing up. Made everyone at the table sign the hat. And of course there was the free desert.
The second was a little more subdued. The just brought out a desert. Not really worth the effort.
So I wonder, do your friends do this to you? Are they silly like mine are. Do you like it? Some people just hate all the singing and clapping and fuss when it is actually their birthday. Would you care if they did it when it wasn't your birthday?
I say why not. Any excuse for a little merriment.
So I wonder, will there be another Birthday in February?
SR
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The Holy Man - Wed Humor
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Posted:Jan 24, 2007 8:49 am
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2007 1:52 pm
3165 Views
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Something to give you a laugh on this Hump Day:A holy man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of
a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish".
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required
to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a
wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside,
what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they
cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a
woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"
Sorry I haven't been around. Quite busy. Late nights at work. Trying to get things organized at home for moving. Volunteer obligations. Have to go out of town for a few days. Maybe I will have some quiet time then to visit ya'll. And a free wireless connection lol.
Feeling a little lost lately with not much to say. I'll be back, have no fear.
Hope you are all doing well.
SR
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Baffling Question of the Night
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Posted:Jan 18, 2007 9:16 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2007 9:14 am
3416 Views
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Why, oh why is there food in my sock drawer?
Does anyone have a clue?
I think it's hysterical
SR
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I'll give you the stars
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Posted:Jan 17, 2007 8:51 pm
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2007 12:55 pm
3329 Views
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The Stars! How beautiful. How romantic. How amazing when you get to a place where you can really see them in all their glory. As a youth I remember camping in vermont. Out in the middle of nowhere as far as major cities and light polution are concerned. Most likely the first time I saw the milky way. It was years before I would see that many stars again. Driving though Utah in the dead of night with no moon and clear skies. What a sight. And what a difference to observe with more educated eyes. At that point I had already worked at a planetarium for a short while and been through a college astronomy course.
Recently when I was in the upper peninsula of Michigan I again found myself way beyond any lights on a clear night. The kind you get in the fall or spring when the humidity is low and clouds are few. There was the milky way again. Like an old friend that you only see every now and again. But one that is always there; contant as the Northern star. lol. Waiting and ready.
A few years back there was a quite impressive meteor shower predicted. It was going to be a cold night. So I got dressed as if it was winter; it's always colder when you're just sitting around. I Made up a big thermous of hot cocoa. Then parked my butt in a lawn chair out back and waited. There goes one. Hey, there's another. This is cool. Then another and another. I end up on the trampoline for a better view. Sometimes standing and at times flat out on my back. Then all of a sudden I hear out of the dark from two yards over, "Hey space, is that you?" Seems I wasn't the only one out in the cold enjoying the show. It was fantastic. I had heard of showers before but they never seemed to be as good as predicted or wouldn't be visible at night in our area.
So as I try to take time to notice a sunset, the rare sunrise or the wonderful cloud formations, so do I take time to observe the stars.
Do you stop and look from time to time?
What have you seen?
The Milky way? A shooting star or a whole meteor shower? Do you know any constellations? Ever go to a place like "Star Gazers Field" in Princeton like in the Movie IQ? (It's not actually called that but it was filmed at a real place in Princeton) Wanna see it sometime?
Have you stayed up to see an eclipse of the moon or for some other celestrial event?
And of course have you ever spent time with someone special just being close and looking at the stars? Maybe you brought a blanket somewhere on a warm summer evening and quietly watched the heavens.
Any of this sound like fun?
SR
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Good Night, er ah, Good Morning
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Posted:Jan 14, 2007 3:01 am
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2007 8:33 am
3309 Views
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Yes, it is Half Five, as the Brits say, and I've just got home and jumped into bed.
And what, prey tell, was I up to?
Well ya see there was this party.
some old friends (actually they are young compared to me but I have known them their whole lives), some more recent friends, and some folks I had only met once or twice before.
A few drinks, a few snacks, typical party fare. Good conversation and a funny movie.
*Everyone say hi to the cat, who just jumped up on the bed*
Some people leave, some go to sleep. My good friend and I clean up and talk to the wee hours of the morning. Fighting back sleep at times. Just enjoying talking. Thought about going to another party at one point. Thought of hitting the diner. But just sat all cosy on the couches in the big room with the fireplace.
Talked of days gone by. Compared notes and exchanged stories of our High School years. Funny the similarities considering mine were ending and she was just being born (told ya younger). My friends come from a broad range of years. We talked of today and talked of future. Discussed other friends and what was up with their lives.
Do you have a friend or friends like that? When is the last time you just talked the night away?
Well, guess I should turn the light out befor it gets light out. lol
Since it is cloudy and raining I guess the light won't come in the window strongly for a little while. G'Nite all,
SR
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Sometimes Morning Wood is Just Morning Wood
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Posted:Jan 12, 2007 8:00 am
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2007 3:03 am
3217 Views
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And sometimes it is something more. No so much the urgency to pee but the urgency for release. There is a pleasure associated with it. Your mind immediately begins to wander. Thinking sexual thoughts. Fantasy takes over. Dreams of the last encounter. Visions of things yet to be.
So this morning a Woody was more than Morning Wood. Snuck away to someplace private. I closed my eyes and thought of you. Imagined being in your arms. Looking deep into your eyes. Hearing the sound of soft moans escaping your lips. Smelling you sweet sent. Feeling the warmth of you. That feeling that comes only from another person being so close. My hand worked it's magic. I became harder as I neared climax. I softly called out "oh baby" as I came.
Nothing like it to start the day and bring the mind into focus ready to face the world.
May it be the beginning of a great weekend where anything is possible.
Enjoy yours. Take time for yourself.
Hugs and Kisses,
SR
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Most Improved Bowler
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Posted:Jan 10, 2007 12:59 am
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2007 8:19 am
3334 Views
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I was once told, What I know I really know well. But what I don't know I bearly have a clue.
I'm not sure how accurate the statement is but I think there is a hint of truth.
Although I remember only once specifically I think there have been multiple times where I have been worthy of the Most Improved Bowler award. Back in High School I was somehow place in AP (Advanced Placement) History. Confused the hell out of me since I was definitely the Math and Science type. I gave it a go as the Brits would say. At the end of the year the teacher said I had improved greatly. Huge difference in skills from the beginning of the year but not enough for him to recommend me for AP History for the following year.
And as I said I believe there have been many times where I have learned very quickly and it has been pointed out.
Certainly I know there are things which I pick up very quicky, much faster than most at times. Ask me to figure out how to do something with a piece of computer software and I'll figure it out right quick.
So, even though I may be severly lacking in some area (what I don't know I haven't a clue), I am confident I will learn what I need to know fairly quickly. Even in a subject like History which is definitely not a strong point.
Some things I can pick up on my own. Others I need good instruction or coaching.
So I guess never count me out if I come in knowing next to nothing. I'll be up to speed in no time.
So how about you? Are you a quick study? In all areas or better at some and worse at others but fairly quick either way?
Quick for some and rotten for others?
Or just middle of the road.
Do you get the most improved bowler award?
How about what you know. Do you know some things in great depth and others not at all? Or do you know a little about lots of things with some definate strong areas?
Do you regularly have occasion to learn something totally new; something that takes a little time? I do for work since in my field things are constantly changing.
Tell Me, tell me if you please.
SR
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Showers and Growers
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Posted:Jan 9, 2007 7:35 am
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2007 8:27 am
3313 Views
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Recently, friends and I were watching the DVD Extras for a movie we had just watched. One friend said she wanted to see them because there were full frontal shots of some of the stars. She wanted to see the full monte for one in particular.
So watch we did and of course where immediately told to pause when her man came on the screen.
She looks him up and looks him down. The remarks, he must be a grower. We looked at her strange never having heard the term. She explained there were showers and growers. Showers where large even when flaccid (they "showed" what they had) and didn't change in size all that much when excited. Growers were small when limp and grew quite a bit when properly motivated.
So, have you heard the terms before? Had you made the distinction yourself? Do you have a preference?
Perspiring minds want to know.
SR
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