Burglar Proof Your House
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Posted:Jun 2, 2009 6:00 pm
Last Updated:Feb 7, 2014 11:29 am
5227 Views
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LOL OMG! Now that I've pissed myself & shot snot out my nose from LAUGHING!! I WANT that warm & fuzzy feeling too. Feel free to come burglar proof my house.  Ohh and look
my lawn needs mowed. heh! 
Quoting Sam G:
Burglar proof your house
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on
fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses..
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but
Dad always had those crappy chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me
through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm
thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Dang!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God
please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its
owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day.....he left
me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where
the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
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Do-It-Yourself-Move!
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Posted:Apr 25, 2009 8:41 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2013 6:51 pm
5028 Views
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Hi Folks,
No I didnt fall off a cliff.( Thinking perhaps I oughta though ) I'm in the middle of a do-it-yourself-move! Ugghh! Meaning I'm doing ALL the packing and sorting myself. Only moving 8 miles, however those Are the worst moves. Any volunteers want to come help pack and sort?
Need I mention I'm a genetically inherited pack-rat! *G*
Once I'm all settled, hopefully the end of May. I'll be back with bells on!
Hugs ya'll and stay safe!
Rey
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How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
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Posted:Mar 13, 2009 11:19 pm
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2009 8:42 am
5182 Views
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My Dad sent this to me, you gotta TRY this!
It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
You have to try this please it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon............... This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY!!) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
Send it to your friends to frustrate them too.
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Pacaya Volcano 2
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Posted:Feb 13, 2009 12:57 pm
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2009 11:10 pm
5043 Views
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Again the Volcano...I'm awestruck that anyone would actually GET that close to a Volcano. 
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Pacaya Volcano - Guatemala
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Posted:Feb 13, 2009 12:52 pm
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2009 11:11 pm
4894 Views
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My oldest is in the Navy and out at sea. He has been sending me some Beautiful pictures from his travels. I thought I would share a few.
Hugs,
Rey
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Even if you are not a NASCAR fan this is still funny!
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Posted:Feb 13, 2009 8:32 am
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2009 11:11 pm
5269 Views
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Even if you are not a NASCAR fan this is still funny!
NASCAR NEWS - Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of
the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set
of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth
of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by
Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.
However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the
inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but
within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number,
and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some
photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
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::: BREAKING NEWS :::
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Posted:Feb 3, 2009 1:01 pm
Last Updated:Feb 6, 2009 7:29 am
5725 Views
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Oh sheesh! Then She, my Friend Mary sent this also, hmmm...
::: BREAKING NEWS :::
In 2009 the government will start
deporting all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run my little crazy friend, run!
Well, what can I say ??
Someone sent it to me,
and,
I'm NOT going alone !!
Thinking this is quite appropriate for many of us here in blogland.
LOL Love you too Mary!
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Rescue a mixed blessing for lost hunter...
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Posted:Jan 31, 2009 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Feb 4, 2009 9:37 am
5454 Views
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CHEBOYGAN, Mich. (AP) – Being rescued was a mixed blessing for a man who got lost while hunting in Cheboygan County. Howard Keshick became disoriented in Inverness Township in December and called for help on his cell phone. Police and a Coast Guard helicopter braved high winds and blowing snow to locate him.
But the Cheboygan Daily Tribune reported authorities discovered Keshick was a convicted felon and charged him with illegal possession of a firearm. Police said he claimed he didn't know the law applied to his black powder muzzleloader.
Keshick was bound over for arraignment in circuit court on Wednesday.
Meanwhile, he is scheduled for sentencing Feb. 3 on charges including home invasion, property destruction and being a habitual offender.
D'oh!
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There is a reason...
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Posted:Jan 23, 2009 10:04 am
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2009 10:22 pm
5367 Views
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A very good friend sent this to me, too funny!
Ahem, she is older than me...whew!
There is a reason why middle
aged women shouldn't go to
Mardi Gras and drink. LOL
grrr the dang picture won't post!
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Remember this motto to live by...
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Posted:Jan 19, 2009 6:46 am
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2009 7:01 am
5328 Views
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Remember this motto to live by:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO-HOO what a ride!'
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To link to this blog (Reylynn4U) use [blog Reylynn4U] in your messages.
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