Punctuation and spelling can get you laid
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Posted:Oct 8, 2015 4:25 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2015 6:59 pm
6142 Views
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A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers , Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit, and gave her the most wild and passionate sex she had ever had in all her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "Answer me first! How did you know my name was Katz?"
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3
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Even more sorry
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Posted:Oct 7, 2015 4:29 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2015 4:34 pm
5940 Views
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Annual Benefit
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The orchestra was preparing to perform their annual benefit but the orchestra leader was nowhere to be found. They delayed as long as possible and finally decided to make due with what they had.
First they gave the baton to a fireman that happened to be at the concert hall and told him to lead. Alas, he had no rhythm and the orchestra fell into disarray.
Then a doctor in the audience volunteered to give it a try, but he didn't have a feel for the dynamics and the music sounded too mechanical.
Finally a police officer saved the day. He took the baton and led the orchestra in, according to many in attendance, the best performance they could remember for years back. Of course, it should have been obvious that the copper was the best conductor.
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I am so sorry
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Posted:Oct 6, 2015 4:19 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2015 4:34 pm
5992 Views
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Two Guys Hunting
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Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time.
They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought ... it was nothing but a catastrophe.
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What's in a name?
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Posted:Oct 5, 2015 3:00 am
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2015 4:13 am
5729 Views
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THAT John Smith
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A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Spinning John Smith!"
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Stayed for breakfast
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Posted:Oct 4, 2015 4:24 am
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2015 12:18 pm
5899 Views
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Ladies, does the prospect of a great breakfast "the morning after" enhance the experience? I'm a pretty good cook. Usually nothing elaborate. But I've been working on my eggs Benedict for a year or so and have it down pretty well, 190 degree water for four minutes. Biscuits and gravy, just a touch of bacon dripping with the sausage. Not healthy, but wow.
Just wondering? 
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What a good student
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Posted:Oct 3, 2015 4:56 am
Last Updated:Oct 3, 2015 3:52 pm
6080 Views
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Sex Education
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I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day. The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."
And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one sir."
And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"
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Now I know who to date
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Posted:Oct 2, 2015 4:45 am
Last Updated:Oct 4, 2015 4:16 am
6006 Views
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Havin' Sex
- Accountants do it with Double Entry.
- Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.
- Ambulance drivers come quicker.
- Australians do it Down Under.
- Bankers do it with interest.
- Bartenders do it on the Rocks.
- Chess players check their Mates.
- Cops do it with cuffs.
- Computer Technicians do it with hard drives.
- DJs do it on request.
- Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure.
- Dentist do it orally.
- Detectives do it under cover.
- Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers.
- Engineers do it to specification (RF engineers do it with frequency).
- Firemen do it with a big hose.
- Frank Sinatra does it his way.
- Garbage men come twice a week.
- Gardeners do it in the bushes.
- Gas attendants Pump all day.
- Housewives do it for an allowance.
- IT programmers cannot do it with their software.
- Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast.
- Landlords do it every 1st of the month.
- Mountain Climbers like to be on top.
- Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!
- Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free.
- Truckers do it in the road.
- Travel Agents do it in lots of different places.
- Waiters and waitresses do it for tips.
- Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
- But worse are those bloody politicians, all they do is talk about it.
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What a crock
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Posted:Oct 1, 2015 4:36 am
Last Updated:Oct 1, 2015 8:34 pm
6000 Views
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Pills for an Alligator
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An alligator went to the doctor for a physical. He told the doctor that he used to be able to swim downstream under water for ten miles and eat everything he saw.
"Now," he mused, "I don't care about eating. All I want to do is sit on the beach and watch the food float by."
The doctor looked him over thoroughly and said, "Here's two pills for you."
"What are they like?" the alligator asked.
"Hmmm. Well let's say they are a lot like Viagra," extolled the doc.
“Cripes, Doc! I don't need anything like that! What are they really for?"
Looking him over the Doc responded, "Well, they're for 'Reptile Dysfunction'."
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Police Stop at 2 AM
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Posted:Sep 30, 2015 4:33 am
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2015 4:44 am
6167 Views
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Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. He was asked where he was going at that time of night .
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects It has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
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4
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Different threesome
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Posted:Sep 29, 2015 4:41 am
Last Updated:Sep 30, 2015 8:27 pm
5817 Views
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My Packers are 3-0 but have some injuries with which to cope. Still an enjoyable start to the season. Aaron is close to flawless.
Prof
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Spam, not just for breakfast anymore
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Posted:Sep 28, 2015 4:30 am
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2015 9:08 pm
6148 Views
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Cheating Wife
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The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man."
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the times and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's' formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
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2
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Expensive shave
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Posted:Sep 27, 2015 5:34 am
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2015 4:25 am
6097 Views
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Black Beard
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A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
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More priorities
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Posted:Sep 26, 2015 7:23 am
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2015 5:33 am
6062 Views
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Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in agonizing pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and...IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits then?
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To link to this blog (Prof10001) use [blog Prof10001] in your messages.
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