Half a post Edition
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Posted:Jun 15, 2012 1:29 pm
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2012 7:53 pm
9388 Views
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I'll apologize up front. This is about half of what I had planned, and I never got around to doodling my awesome bird poop picture I had planned. An old frined that I havn't seen in years just moved back into town, and we've been catching up.
The Beast warned you that the subject of conspiracies would arise within the burrow soon. Little did he realize, that he himself would so quickly be the target of a nefarious plot!
I am under siege by a group of shadowy, terrorist minded, avian bastards! I suppose it could simply be a single bird, seeing as how I haven't personally witnessed the flagrant acts of sabotage firsthand.
Whether it is the work of a single feathered foe, or a group of the winged sons-a-hens, my home has become a target of their dastardly deeds of devious destruction.
The wall near my front door was assaulted by a mighty hail of fecal matter, leaving behind at least a dozen, one to three inch splatter patterns of white/brown goop which had previously traversed the digestive tract of a heinous terrorist on the winds.
It took a wad of six Lysol (TM) brand disinfectant wipes for me to power through the dried, and encrusted mass of aerially launched Weapons of Mass Disgustion.
This will not stand. The Beast has always been kind and generous to his brethren and sistren within the animal kingdom, as he feels a strong kinship with them. (The bunny rabbit I hit with my truck last week doesn't count. He committed suicide by bolting from the grass alongside the road on a perfectly timed self-destruction trajectory.)
When members of the avian community engage in Anti-Beast activities, how long before reptiles get it into their cold blooded heads to do it as well?
I'm sure you can all imagine the chain of events, eventually culminating with mammals turning on me. You must surely recognize that mammals equals minions.
These birds must be stopped before their uprising can spread throughout the animal kingdom, and eventually lead inside the chambers of my very own Beastly sanctum!
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Life Essence Edition
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Posted:Jun 14, 2012 12:56 pm
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2012 3:54 am
10117 Views
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Greetings, salutations, hellos, and welcome, minions, to the ongoing festival of lights, sounds, and physical groping that is The Beast Burrow.
I'm The Beast, and I'll be the one showering you with tales of high adventure, and bestowing upon your brows, the essence of life.
Minion in Charge of Installed Audio/Visual Equipment, cue the spotlight and begin pre-recorded Wild Applause Track #7.
Trust me... It's essence- nothing more, nothing less. 
After briefly entertaining the idea of retiring, The Beast was told by severl within the burrow, that I should write about anything on my mind, regardless of what some people might think, or be offended by.
I should give fair warning that future posts may involve topics which some people scoff at and hurl terms such as Conspiracy Theory at.
I'll precede any of those posts with this statement.
-Nearly everything is a conspiracy. Any time two or more people gather to make plans, whether for ill or good, it's a conspiracy. That's what a conspiracy is.
The majority of people believe in conspiracies. The only area in which they argue, is when it comes to who is/was behind the conspiracy. More often than not, people can't seem to let themselves believe the conspiracy came from their side of the house, camp, faction, etc... That holds true at the family, sport's team, city, state, and country levels.
You've been warned.
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As I write these next words, I am beginning the 3rd stage of my task for the day, which was to disassemble, transport, and reassemble the conference table from our previous Ward Room, within our temporary conference room here at our new facilities.
I'm feeling a metaphor coming on. A philosophical link between this large cumbersome desk, and relationships between human beings, or Homo Sapiens if you prefer.
This desk, like some relationships, was whole when I first arrived this morning to begin work.
The time I spent removing end paneling, pulling screws, and loosening specialized bolts (those bastards!), was similar to the emotional damage and distance that two people can cause each other over time.
It's always easier to tear something down once it's built. For this table to have been assembled originally, care had to be taken to ensure bolt and screw holes aligned properly for hardware installation.
The removal of that same hardware was far simpler by a factor hard to determine, but obviously present. I did not need to be too careful pulling the hardware. I used a hammer even at one point to tap out a stubborn bolt.
Once a thing, whether it be an inanimate object, or a relationship is taken apart, it is never as easy to reassemble it as it was the first time around.
Brackets get bent (You called her a fat cow.), holes no longer align perfectly (You told him you hate his mother.), and often a few pieces of hardware turn up missing (One of your ran away from home.).
If you are determined, however, the relationship can be put back together in nearly as good of condition as it was before you disassembled it. (Damned gust of wind knocked the table top over. I can probably buff those scratches and chips.)
Is any of this making sense to any of you minion types? I certainly hope so.
Well... This desk isn't going to reassemble itself. I have some hammering to do. I'll figure out some bonus material after I finish up.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
I was right. Those bolt and screw holes were a real bitch to get lined back up!
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When in Doubt, Head to the Toilet Edition
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Posted:Jun 13, 2012 1:13 pm
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2012 7:25 pm
9394 Views
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My most loyal and precious minions, welcome to The Beast Burrow. As you look around today, you may notice a few familiar faces are absent from our gathering.
The Beast has heard the pleas for continued Beastitude to be extracted from his mind, and has dispatched a team of specialized minions to open a new shaft deep within The Beast's highly specialized brain.
I've used the Beast Burrow Shrink Chamber to reduce SpiderJ72, and minion #3,045,258 to an appropriate size, capable of entering my Beastly skull, and removing certain portions of matter causing writer's block.
I chose SpiderJ72 because he has extensive experience working with the required safety equipment, and tools necessary to perform the mission. #3,045,258 is a new recruit. I'm not too familiar with what her qualifications are, but she seemed highly eager to prove her value as a member of The Beast Burrow team.
Once those two manage to remove a few apparent blockages I've erected over the years, I hope to find a new source for writing inspiration among past stories, anecdotes, adventures, and relationships.
Some of the stuff stored way in the back is embarrassing, controversial, or just straight-up weird. They don't call me One Strange for nothing, after all.
I can't let my loyal followers down. Where will you go if I close the burrow's doors for good? You'll probably wander around aimlessly at first. A few of you will more than likely be lost to traffic accidents as you stumble along. Some of you might find the entrance to another home, but who knows what sort of place that might be. You could end up over in that blog where the guy gives the complete history of every video game he's ever played (shudder). Your new jobs would be something like, Minion (or whatever he calls you.... drone probably) in Charge of Alphabatizing the Nintendo 64 Games.
The Beast will see to it that you continue to have a home here in The Beast Burrow.... one way or another.
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On a different note, The Beast has come up with a solution to the toilet seat conundrum between men and women! That's right! I'm going to save some relationships, as well as medical costs.
I'm designing a hands-free toilet that will be self-closing once either a man or woman uses it. It will always return to its agreed upon, natural position of both seats down.
I'll be adding a preliminary rough drawing as a comment below. It will be more attractive once I figure out how to get the mechanics right while maintaining asthetics.
BEAST OUT
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192 and nearly dead Edition
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Posted:Jun 12, 2012 5:11 pm
Last Updated:Jun 13, 2012 9:47 pm
9521 Views
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OK minions. I'm using up my 192nd post here in the burrow to ask for your help.
I have a 200th post spectacular planned, and then one of two things can happen.
The Beast can either retire, or you minions are going to have to drop some suggestions on topics you would like The Beast to cover if you wish to keep seeing me ramble about shit.
Like my profile states, I use no trick photography (with the exception of making myself look huge in comparison to a T-Rex). I do all my own stupid, and I try to write somewhat interesting posts in my own words. I also use my own artistic talents instead of snatching pictures and cartoons from around the web.
I refuse to become a cut-and-paste blogger (If I can even call myself that), and I would rather call it quits than to simply fill the burrow with my daily routine day in and day out.
It's up to you minions. If you enjoy your visits to The Beast Burrow, help The Beast out by throwing some ideas of what you'd like to see his way.
Most of what I have left in my head are topics that would probably cause hate and discontent. I've got opinions on everything, but nobody wants to read something that goes against their pet beliefs in various subjects.
Thank-you
BEAST OUT
P.S. I could really use another volunteer to write a chapter of The Epic of Bloggermesh. We're getting close to finishing it.
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Disregard that alarm Edition
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Posted:Jun 12, 2012 11:43 am
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2012 9:19 am
10247 Views
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Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert! Red Alert!
Bwoop Bwooop Bwooop Bwooop Bwooop Bwooop Bwoooop
Minion #63,842, would you be Bwooop so kind as Bwoop to flip that Bwooop Bwooop switch near your Bwooooop left elbow! Bwoooop PLEASE!
Bwoooooooerkkk........... Thank you.
I apologize for all of the racket, my loyal minions. That was The Beast Burrow Minion Insubordination Alarm. It's tripped whenever a minion gets it in their head to challenge The Beast on any topic while here in his sanctum.
It seems that Jules1590 has gotten it into her head that The Beast doesn't engage in enough Beastly flirtation with you minions when you throw him some batted eye lashes or drop hints of a carnal nature his way.
My first instinct, as always, is to turn to The Beast Burrow Minion Instruction Manual. That volume has always settled disputes within the confines of the burrow quite handily. It covers all aspects of Beast/Minion interaction, and can be relied upon to hold the answers we seek in any given situation.
Allow The Beast to read to you now from Chapter 7, Subsection D, Article 1, subsections a-c
________________________________________
"1) Minion interaction with The Beast of a sexual nature is strictly forbidden within the burrow proper as it does not foster good order and discipline within the minion ranks.
1a) Beastly flirtation with one minion may cause other minions to feel left out, or that they are not deserving of The Beast's flirtatious behavior, causing a rift within the minion ranks.
1b) Beastly flirtation may expose cracks in The Beasts otherwise impenetrable aura of cool Beastliness, allowing a clever minion to exploit his adoration for unminionly gain.
1c) Beastly flirtation is a powerful force, and could cause serious health risks for minions lacking extreme hardiness and who may already have conditions or complications affecting the heart, circulation, lungs, or various other crucial bodily functions."
________________________________________
So as you can see, dear minions, The Beast keeps the Beastly flirtation to a minimum in order to maintain good order and discipline within the burrow, alleviate any infighting amongst minions from happening, and to safeguard minion health.
The Beast is always looking out for the best interests of his minions.
With that in mind, The Beast is always open to be swayed by the opinions of his minion horde. Your voices do not fall upon deaf Beastly ears.
I'll leave it to a vote. If enough of you fine minions feel the burrow could survive an increase in Beastly flirtation from your fearless leader, let it be known. If I am assured that no harm will befall any minions, and that the burrow itself will endure, I may see fit to open myself more to banter of an overtly naughty nature.
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Jules1950... I'll need to see you in my office. While your ideas may in fact turn out to be popular, your methods were far from proper.
We'll need to discuss an appropriate punishment so that next time you use the proper channels. We do have a Minion in Charge of Beast Burrow Suggestions. There are forms and procedures young lady!
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Increase your flirting knowledge with OneStrangeBeast's Random Facts about Flirting Program.
Today's Fact: Every state has outdated blue laws which were never stricken from the law books due to laziness or some other interference. In New York City, one of these laws mandates a $25.00 fine to be rendered to any man caught gazing "lasciviously at a female".
Maybe Jules1590 can appreciate that a gentleman may be trying to avoid a daily forking over of $25.00 whenever she's around. 
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Pink Edition
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Posted:Jun 10, 2012 11:11 am
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2017 5:12 am
10701 Views
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I know...I know.... cluttered bathroom, self pictures via a mirror are not the most becoming. I just wanted to capture this moment for you all seeing as how it rarely happens. This is what happens when The Beast ventures out of the burrow and forages for sustenance along the oceanfront.
So now I'm a little bit cooked and pink. I think I threw the shirt back on in just enough time to keep myself from ending up losing all the color to peeling skin. Well... my shoulders might peel off. They seem to have gotten the worst of it as usual.
I took my to the beach yesterday. I'm tired of him being trapped inside the house all of the time. He fought the idea all the way there and then had nothing but fun once we got down near the surf.
I went to the gym first thing that morning and had an amzing chest workout. I continue to worry that my home gym will slowly rob me of my free weight power, but apparently the opposite is happening.
I warmed up, and then did a set of six, clean, no spot bench presses with 315 pounds. I haven't been able to do that since before my first surgery, let alone the second. I didn't bother going any higher in weight. Six clean presses at that weight tell me my upper limit is probably close to where it was pre-surgery.
I'm sure everybody is as thrilled with that as I am. Not.
That's all I've got. I hope everybody is having a great weekend. I'll hopefully have an actual topic and a doodle to share with you tomorrow.
BEAST OUT
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Socks! Reloaded Edition
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Posted:Jun 7, 2012 10:19 am
Last Updated:Jun 10, 2012 4:06 pm
9722 Views
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Greetings minions, and welcome the blog with the lowest calorie count while still being full flavored. We're still working on the triglyceride levels in here, but hopefully the new medication and diet do the trick.
I had a discussion with Jules1590 recently, in which she expressed her severe distaste for feet in general, and "Monkey Toes" more specifically.
This has led me to realize that perhaps the reason so many men continue to insist on wearing their socks during their broadcast sex videos, is due to the behest of their significant others, and not of their own choosing.
This is now an entirely new problem which calls for a complete restructuring of my approach to sock-clad fucking.
I hadn't considered that many of these men would prefer to be barefoot, not only for the sake of looking less like a douche, but also to allow for maximum traction. Say what you will about the appearance of simian digits, but they sure grip the carpet better than a pair of Hanes tube socks.
The Beast has always been open to having his mind changed as long as he is presented with a legitimate argument for doing so. As such, I'm now going to devote my formidable intellect to helping my primate toed brethren out there, instead of ridiculing them for their perceived douchitude.
I've decided to develop a line of socks which will serve a threefold purpose.
1) They will provide a positive grip surface to alleviate the worry of a man slipping on a slick floor during a vigorous round of standing doggy-style love making while their wife is safely planted on their bed on all fours.
Nothing kills the mood faster than having your feet shoot out from under you during a power-stroke, and the floor suddenly rushing up to wish your face a good evening, and thank you for coming.
2) They will come in a variety of colors, and styles so as to be more aesthetically pleasing and make a man look as if they belong on his feet during sex, instead of simply making him look doucherific and too lazy to completely undress for the occasion.
Nothing will be more embarrassing than when you men turn 75, and one of your grandchildren finds an archived photograph of you performing a reverse cowgirl with granny in a pair of hole ridden black tube socks.
3) They will keep your hairy knuckled, abnormally long, toenail fungus infested, tree branch grasping, termite seeking Monkey Paw excuses for feet hidden away so as not to make your partners vagina dry up like a pound of beach sand kept in a decorative jar on your fireplace mantle.
4) (I know I said 3... Shut yer holes!) They will provide warmth should you wake early on a winter's day and decide to get yourself some pre- breakfast snapper before you're bothered to strike a match to the wood stove.
5) (I thought I told you to shut it!) Seeing as how these socks will be specifically designed for sexual endeavors, special BDSM styles with built in securing tethers may be just what the leather chaps wearing Dr. Ordered.
Here are just a few preliminary designs that I thought up today. I would greatly appreciate feedback as to what you minions think. Any suggestions for further designs may be annotated on the standard Minion Recommendations Form MRF-0U812 and submitted to The Minion in Charge of Beast Burrow Suggestions.
Once I go into production, I fully expect the profits from the first quarter of sales alone to provide The Beast Burrow with the funding to get you minions out of those toilet paper uniforms, and into my bed.... Errrrrr... I mean a more fashionable and durable uniform worthy of the finest minions a Beast could hope for.
So there you have it straight from The Beast's desk, deep within the bowels of The Beast Burrow. I shall no longer refer to men wearing socks during sex as, "That guy at the center of the douche storm." I will try my hardest to empathize with them, now realizing their significant other may have demanded a covering of the simian knuckles so as not to run the risk of being grazed by them, and infected with their unsavory plague.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Increase your sock based knowledge with OneStrangeBeast's Obscure Facts About Socks Program.
Today's Morsel: most people probably believe that socks with individual toes are a relatively new fad in the world of socks. The oldest surviving socks, however, were excavated near the Nile River in Egypt, and are thought to have been manufactured sometime in the fourth century C.E.. They feature a split-toe design which was developed for wearing them with sandals.
We all know what we call somebody wearing socks with sandals in this day and age. That's right... Douchtastic!
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Everybody knows at least one. Edition
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Posted:Jun 6, 2012 12:15 pm
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2012 3:21 am
9862 Views
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Beast Bulletin #346: The Post Your Minion Uniform page has had nearly 2500 views since it's gone up, and still has only one minion photo added. If you minions don't start getting naked and wrapping yourself in 2-ply, there will be serious consequences.
(I need to preface today's post by stating that my choice of douche as the single best put-down term of all time has nothing at all to do with negativity toward women. Douche has become, to me, a separate entity from it's original form and definition. It simply slides off the tongue and fits so well as the apex of put-down terminology.)
Good day minions.
It appears we had a security breach yesterday here in the burrow. I'll be taking measures in order to beef up security so that we stand less of a chance for future break-ins by undesirable agents of mischief. If this keeps up, folks like Gottaring will be sneaking in, and I don't need to tell you all how difficult it is to remove nougat from carpeting. (Hee Hee that poor girl just hates when I tease her.)
The Beast has been doing a great deal of thinking on the subject of douchbaggery. There's an obscene amount of douchbaggery in the world these days.
I know I probably sound ike a ham-fisted tyrant at times here in the burrow, but out In the world, I am overly polite and all around nice for the most part.
I'm the guy that purposefully leaves a two car gap between me and the car in front so that other people cane merge if they need to, while most other people drive bumper to bumper and won't allow anybody in front of them.
I'm the guy that won't push and shove to get to the front of any event where something is being given away for free and supplies are limited.
I'm the guy who doesn't assume you just opened the door of that store for me and barge past you. (I think my record is 5 people walking out of a store which I just opened the door of to walk in. Sure. Allow me to hold this for all of you.)
I'm the guy who will eat the chicken dish the waitress brings me by mistake even though I ordered beef. She has enough going on that I don't need to stress her any more. Food is food. Unless it's liver. Then it's an internal organ.
I'm the guy that will take the time to find a store employee and inform them of damaged goods, or a spill on the floor instead of saying it's not my business.
There seems to be a tremendous amount of people these days, however, who either through self-absorbed indifference, or flat out malice, go out of their way to act as douchey as they possibly can.
From the guy who begins honking his horn at the car in front of him .003 seconds after the light turns green, to the woman who steps in front of me to get an item off the shelf I'm browsing without so much as an "Excuse me", people everywhere seem to feel they're the most important thing in the universe, and their shit doesn't stink.
From the people who park in the Fire Zone at the supermarket so they don't have to walk 50 feet to the Red Box, to the folks who throw entire bags of trash out their car window in broad daylight to save themselves a search for a trash can, humans continue to have an, "I matter! All else is trivial!" attitude.
All of this, of course, follows us in here as well. If I've read one rant by a woman, I've read dozens about having to repeatedly ask a man to stop pestering them for a hook-up after they've already politely said no thank-you. These men can't apparently accept a no like an adult, and proceed to say all manner of rude and despicable things about the woman when they finally see their badgering isn't going to sway them.
I imagine a few of the men here have even had similar things happen to them.
The Beast had to tell the same man at least three times that I would not change my mind and accept his offer of a backrub and oral services, so I know the frustration from that first hand.
The bottom line is that this world is teeming with douchbags galore. They saturate the landscape with their douchiness, and leave those of us who try to act differently, wishing we could secrete a little more douche at times ourselves simply to combat them with their own weaponry.
From politics, to religion, to sporting events, and beyond, too many people are trying to loudly and douchtastically get their point across, and into your face.
I wish they would all take a step back and realize they are not alone on this marble. They aren't the center of it all. ("The Beast is of course!").... "Quiet Beast."
Maybe if there weren't so many douchenheimers surrounding us on all sides, women here wouldn't have to be offended by being linked to a site called -Fuck A Slut-.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Test your douche recognition skills with OneStrangeBeast's Recognize Douche When You See It Test.
Which of the following, is a major Douche?
A). A woman who bumps into you and accidentally knocks something from your hands, but then bends to help you pick it up.
 . A man loudly talking on his hands free phone in a doorway, oblivious to the fact you are patiently waiting for him to step aside so that you can pass through.
C). A sitting up in their booth at a restaurant and staring at you over the top.
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Beast Burrow File Access Granted
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Posted:Jun 5, 2012 9:11 am
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2012 11:21 pm
10325 Views
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Hello, I'm Julian Assange; the man behind Wikileaks. You may know of me from my release of such classics as the Collateral Murder video, 76,900 documents known as the Afghan War Diary, and another 400,000 files collectively referred to as the Iraq War Logs.
While attaining large amounts of Secret and Top Secret documents from government sources was a challenge, I've now accomplished what many said was the impossible. I've secured several documents from the heavily guarded files of The Beast.
I would like to release to you the first of those documents now, before any minions arrive and kick the ever loving shit out of me for invading The Beast Burrow.
I apologize for the condition of this first file. The Minion in Charge of Computer Security left some impressive security features in place. Some of the data was lost during retrieval.
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The Beast Files
File # 173-BFU
Subject: How to make a woman orgasm so powerfully, she loses control of bodily functions, suffers short-term memory loss, and spends 8 hours giggling in bed while fingering her lips and making bubbly noises.
Items needed close at hand:
1) 1 bottle of....
2) A shoehorn.
3) 2 bottles of lotion.
4) A box... size large.
5) ... and latex gloves.
The following information, if discovered by the wrong sort...... ,and lead to....This must not happen or else women everywhere will become addicted.... worthless for anything other than... So in short, be most careful with the techniques you're about to learn.
The first thing you want to do, once you have your woman stripped of her clothing, is to..... and make sure the knots are.... This is the safest way to employ these techniques without injuries being.... and possible damage to furniture.
The female will be tempted to at first resist several of these techniques. She will especially thrash against her bonds once she's seen the..... and will no doubt wonder what... Simply calm her with soothing words, and show her the... Once she gets sight of that, she should struggle less, and possibly.....
Plant your feet firmly on the edge of the tallest structure in the room, such as a dresser or entertainment center. Launch into a back flip while gripping your erection in order to maintain the proper.... and make sure to grip her thighs upon..... You'll know you've mastered the move when she.... and curses is a foreign language.
Begin with slow strokes at this point. If you attempt to gain speed too quickly, the female will... and probably attempt to bite your...
Grab the bottle of hot sauce which you should have pre-staged near at hand. Only use 1/2 teaspoon or you risk.... Which can cause irreversible damage to the....
A pair of latex gloves is recommended at this point to avoid..... as well as to alleviate any added... to her thighs. She will definitely appreciate your thoughtfulness, and reward you with...
By this point you should be ready to attempt the... Be very careful with the angle used to insert the... or bending may occur. If the angle becomes too extreme......... and a trip to the hospital may be in store for you.
Grab 3 of the trash bags, and fill them 1/4 full of.... Place them around her body; one on each side, and one near her head. She'll be moaning loudly at this point, and there is a chance she....... Do not let this frighten you. It's perfectly natural since she's had the... on her thighs for several minutes at this point.
Release her hands from the ropes and flip her onto her.... Spread her thighs to an approximate 45 degree angle, and apply firm yet gentle pressure to her... This will more than likely cause her to... and .... The sheets will probably be ruined, but you'll be moments away..... of her entire life.
Insert your... and begin hammering away. The time for being gentle and slow will have passed at this point. Attack with purpose, and let her know you.... A few well chosen phrases growled into her ear will throw her into uncontrollable mental collapse. Try something along the lines of, "Take that...you....and tell me you....!" You could also use, "Yeah baby! You know you love that.... pounding at your... like a .....!"
Once she begins babbling and tears are welling at the corners of her eyes, deliver the final blow. Shove the shoehorn..... and twist it counterclockwise.... while simultaneously......and smacking the... with the palm of your hand.
Unless all of the known laws of the universe fail at once, she will now.... and ... The amount of liquid which... will be staggering.
You should extricate yourself from the room for a minimum of 30 minutes before going in to begin clean-up.
The female will mostly be out of it for... to 8 hours. Don't be alarmed. She'll be fine.
Use these techniques wisely, and never let them fall into the wrong hands.
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Monday!.... errrrr that's it really. Monday Edition
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Posted:Jun 4, 2012 2:26 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2012 6:40 pm
10817 Views
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Hello minions. Welcome to The Beast Burrow once again. Everybody take a seat and we'll get started.
You may recall, if you've been around awhile, when I suggested a contest to see if any men could take pictures of themselves engaged in oral sex simulation with an artificial vagina, and make it look sexy. Women are able to do it with dildos and vibrators. My bet was that men would fail the sexy test doing their own version. KarlBloggerfeld stood the best chance of success, being cool as cool can be, but he's all but disappeared from the blogs lately.
Women can simply get away with many things, and make it look good, that men can't.
Take clothing for example. There's the usual one-sided swapping that women do so well. They can slip into their man's discarded dress shirt and scamper off to the refrigerator late at night, looking sexy as Hell in the process.
If a man grabs up his lady friend's blouse off a chair to do the same, he'll likely be laughed at by men, women, , and woodland creatures alike. Dennis Rodman may have been an exception at one time, but even he's probably seen his best days pass by.
There are other aspects of clothing wear in which women have us at a disadvantage as well. Women can wear fabrics printed with some of their favorite things, and usually make it look cute, sexy, and classy. A flower print sun dress for example, as long as it's not too over the top, can be quite flattering.
Take something men like however, such as fishing, and they fail miserably trying to combine it with their wardrobe. I don't think I've ever overheard a conversation between women that sounded something like this. "Oh Sara.... Do you see Robert over there in his Large Mouth Bass button down shirt? Doesn't he look handsome!"
Yeah... That shit never happens.
Another thing women can get away with sexually, and look sexy as Hell while doing it, is tasting their own after they cum. A woman can rub and finger herself to a thigh clenching orgasm, and then place her dripping fingers into her mouth to suck them clean, and nobody finds it disturbing in the least from what I've seen.
If a man jerks himself off, and then scoops some of his cum off his stomach in order to suck it from his fingertips, he's simply asking once again to be ridiculed by men, woman, and woodland creatures of various species.
I'm sure there is a small group of women, as well as a large group of men, that would find that hot, but not nearly as large a number as when women do it.
OK. I suppose that's enough on that subject for the day. On to other things.
I went to see Snow White last night. It was more entertaining than I expected it to be. Our friend, who played Thor in The Avengers, changed his clothing just enough to play the Huntsman, and carried an axe instead of a hammer.
I hope he isn't type casting himself. Next thing you know, he'll be playing the role of a wrench wielding nomad, wandering a post-apocalyptic wasteland, searching for fresh water and cans of Beanee Weenees.
If still haven't gotten a chance to see Contraband with Mark Wahlberg. The closest I've come is when I saw the woman ahead of me at Red Box select it, and then the selection went grey, signifying she had just taken the last copy in the box. I came very close to clubbing her over the head and taking it. I didn't want to traumatize her young or grandson who was with her though.
That's all for today minions. It's Monday, so you shouldn't have expected anything worthy of fireworks just yet. Give me until Wednesday for that.
Everybody take care.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
You just get a random joke that I found on the interwebs... about 5 seconds ago. Enjoy
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
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Super Powered Friday Edition
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Posted:Jun 1, 2012 10:35 am
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2012 6:44 pm
10383 Views
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Happy Friday my minions! It's the start of another weekend already. Time just seems to keep slipping by faster and faster. I'll try not to keep you too long so that you all can enjoy your weekends as fully as possible. (If coming to The Beast Burrow is your method of enjoyment, you can read it twice!)
Over the years of my comic book geek status, I've been involved in numerous conversations with groups of people along the lines of, "What super power would you want if you could have one?".
Everybody has their favorite, even those folks who aren't actually comic geeks themselves. Rarely, however, do these conversations involve what new and interesting sexual adventures one could have if being gifted with abilities greater than a mere mortal. (The exception being, "I want to be invisible so I can sneak in the women's locker room!".)
The following is a list of sexual exploits which The Beast would like to participate in if he were to suddenly acquire super powers.
Most of them have nothing to do with any fetish or deeply hidden desires, I just think they sound challenging, funny, or bizarre and would probably be worth the undertaking simply for the entertainment value.
1) If I acquired great strength and formidable speed, I would fuck a full grown lion. This again has nothing to do with a desire for beastiality, or more precisely, homosexual beastiality... It would simply be something that would get me in a book of world records more than likely.
2) If I attained the ability of human flight, I would fuck a woman atop the Goodyear blimp as it circled a live sporting event and pretend the cheers wafting up on the winds were for our stunning performance.
3) If I became a speedster, and could run faster than a speeding bullet, I would fuck a member of the women's U.S. Downhill ski team in mid plummet down a mountain, and cum mightily as she whisked across the finish line. (I would ask for permission first.)
4) If I could teleport, I would pay visits to female prisoners in solitary confinement. They would probably greatly appreciate some loving to alleviate the loneliness of their incarceration.
5) If a range of powerful mental abilities were suddenly mine to wield, I would simply stroll through shopping malls, mentally inducing massive orgasms in random women at the most awkward of moments... Like while they're paying for a slice of pizza, or picking up a prescription at a pharmacy.
Now that I think about it more... I could have a great deal of fun with that one simply by visiting a church for the first time in decades.
6) If I could breathe underwater, I would take a woman to whichever resort has the most pristine, clear waters, and fuck her on the ocean floor surrounded by marine life, colorful corals, and swaying sea flora. (I would of course breathe for the woman, pumping oxygen into her lungs with each kiss.)
7) If I were to become possessed by a Ghost Rider type entity, and develop a penchant for flaming motorcycles, I would go to the Sturgis Bike Week, and fuck all of the old ladies of The Hell's Angels... After beating them all at arm wrestling.
 If I could transform into any type of animal, I would find a woman that actually is into beastiality, and give her the multiple critter orgy she's only dreamed about.
9) If I could become invisible, I would stay far away from the women's locker room. Some things are best left a tantalizing mystery. I would however jerk off in public... More often than I already do.
10). If I had the power to control the very primal forces of nature, I would fuck a woman in the midst of the grandest, electrically charged, torrential rain infused, 200 MPH winds tornado the world has ever seen. We would lie safely within the eye of the maelstrom, and mutually orgasm as lightning began shattering trees around us.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material! It's Friday! Go home... Figuratively- since you're probably already there.
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S.O.D.P.H.S. Edition
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Posted:May 31, 2012 10:47 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2012 5:37 pm
10536 Views
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Date: June 1, 2012
Time: Whenever The Beast gets around to it. Don't question The Beast.
Location: Deep within The Beast Borrow
Objective: Personnel Training on the subject of S.O.D.P.H.S.
Required Attendees: Minions
Well my minions, I see everybody must have gotten the memo about today's gathering since you're all here. I'll make sure the Minion In Charge of Printing and Distributing Memos is richly rewarded. (Just as soon as I figure out which of you little rascals that is.)
Minion #45,713 isn't here, but nobody has apparently seen him since the unfortunate cave-in over in quadrant D-3 of the burrow. I'm sure he's fine.
So we've gathered here today so that I can speak to you all about a very important topic, which is S.O.D.P.H.S.
S.O.D.P.H.S., sometimes humorously known as "Having the sods.", is Scrotum Odor Due to Poor Hygiene and Sweat. (Really "smart" phone... You don't even recognize the word scrotum? I'll bet you recognize Ball Sac though. Thought so!)
Having the sods is no laughing matter, minions. It reflects poorly on male minions, showing they are lazy and willing to be shunned by female minions... Or other males if that's their thing.
The sods are also an affront to female minions everywhere who are wonderful enough to bring their noses (which are connected to their mouths) within close proximity to male scrotums, ball sacs, nuts, testicles, meat and two veg, or whatever other name you may use to denote the male testes.
The male scrotum; if not properly bathed, powdered, oiled, shellacked, buffed, perfumed, dusted or in some other fashion hygienically maintained, can attain a foulness of odor unparalleled by anything not involving the decomposition of living tissue near a sulpher pit.
(For those keeping score - my phone did not recognize scrotum, shellacked, hygienically, or sulpher from the previous paragraph.)
To put it simply... Balls can stink something awful if you don't wash and maintain them! They can attain such a powerful, horrible stench, that I wouldn't blame any woman (or man) on the planet for refusing to provide services on Steak and Blowjob Day if their intended recipient didn't bother to clean up for the occasion.
As usual, The Beast does not make these statements as an innocent observer. I have been guilty myself of lounging around the burrow for an entire weekend, watching a television series marathon, eating fast food, and not bothering to change the Beast Shorts.
Those are the weekends in which I've nearly knocked myself unconscious with a stench wave when I finally decide I need a shower on a Sunday evening.
I would never, however, spend time with a lady if I thought there might be a chance of her lustily flaring nostrils coming within a meter of my bare boys without taking all necessary precautions.
If I suspect there's a chance a woman will be placing her nostrils, attached to her aforementioned mouth, anywhere near my naked beasticles, I will, at the bare minimum, ensure I'm properly showered. If I have the time, I'll go one better and add a dusting of talc or even a spritz of body spray. (Near the beasticles, not directly on them. The taste of that stuff is foul in its own right.)
To sum up this training session-
If you're a testicle bearer, keep them clean and maintained as often as possible. You may take the occasional weekend trip to Stenchville, but don't expect anybody to suffer through it with you if you get to feeling randy.
If you're somebody who simply enjoys spending quality time with testicles, demand the bearer maintain a reasonable level of hygiene and care of the jewels.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Increase your genital knowledge with OneStrangeBeast's Obscure Facts Concerning Genitals Program.
Today's Fact - During the 1990's, a rumor was spread that an unearthed "ice man" dubbed Ozti still had viable sperm within his ancient, flash frozen scrotal sac. This prompted a respectable number of Austrian women to volunteer to be artificially inseminated in order to bear his .
The Beast is going to take a gamble and bet those testicles had an odor all their own.
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I just LOLed all over my shirt Edition
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Posted:May 31, 2012 3:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2012 12:33 pm
10019 Views
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Have you ever seen those horror movies where the psychiatric doctor shows pictures drawn by the machete killer while he was held in the hospital and they're always unsettling drawings?
Below is an example of my 's work. I did not alter it in any way other than to trace over his pencils with one of my art pens to make it visible to the camera.
I should be slightly concerned.... but it just made me do a spit take and laugh very hard for about 5 minutes.
In case anybody is having trouble translating 7 year old, it says:
I am sorry for being annoying. Am I a brat, Yes or No
Me, Zane
I do so love that future machete killer of mine.
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To link to this blog (OneStrangeBeast) use [blog OneStrangeBeast] in your messages.
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