Road Annoyance Edition
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Posted:Jul 4, 2012 9:55 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2012 2:16 pm
10714 Views
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I need to preface today's post by saying that the following is simply my personal opinion, and observation. I'm attacking nobody specifically, only a concept. I did warn people I may be writing things of a controversial nature from here on out.
I suffer from Road Annoyance. This differs from Road Rage, in that I do not wish to run anybody off the road, and beat them unconscious in a ditch. I am simply left shaking my head, and wondering why humans do what we do.
What has left my mind spinning on this current occasion, is Roadside Memorials left to denote the location of somebody's loved one dying in a motor vehicle accident. (If this sounds like it encompasses your own life, you may want to leave now, because the rest will just piss you off.)
I think the aspect of these roadside shrines to dead people which annoys me, is the complete arbitrariness of them. Aside from large group (war veterans/mine collapse etc...) memorials, the sides of roads and highways seems to be the only place where individual deaths are remembered in a way which is displayed for all of us without a clue to share in as well.
I know it may sound a bit blunt, but if I didn't know young Billy Turncrank, I probably don't give a shit that he wrapped himself around an oak tree on the side of 95 after a wild party. Why should I have to see the ever expanding circle of flowers, cards, signs, pictures, and other crap left behind?
People die everywhere, but for some arbitrary reason, car fatalities are typically the only locations which get polluted with these death memorials. I've never seen a collection of flowers, cards, pictures, and candles set up near the olive cart in a grocery store where John Finkinbinkin had a heart attack.
I've never seen a shrine built on an inner tube and left to float in a public swimming pool where Sara Joe Murphlips caught a cramp in the deep end and drowned.
What is it about those car crashes which sets them apart? Is it simply the fact that it's usually city or state land, and an individual isn't telling these people to kick rocks as they try to erect their memorial on personal property?
If it has something to do with remembering the location of a loved one's demise, and it involved a car accident, then they more than likely died inside the car. Why not find which scrap yard the car was towed to, and erect your shrine inside the rusting remains of the vehicle? It would be more appropriate.
If ghosts haunt the houses in which they lived while they were alive, then wouldn't the spirit of the oak tree-wrapped-around, beer shot-gunning, teenaged tragedy still reside within the crumpled husk of their Ford Escort? The logic seems sound to me.
I don't imagine this topic will spark much interest in anybody, but it's what was on my mind as I started typing.
I hope everybody enjoyed their day of celebration and fireworks.
BEAST OUT
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Not your typical Happy 4th Edition
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Posted:Jul 4, 2012 5:32 am
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2012 2:18 pm
10155 Views
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Many years ago, residents of certain parts of Kentucky, and West Virginia bore witness to a feud between two rival families. They were the Hatfields, and the McCoys, and their disputes were so volatile, that their story has been taught in history books, and has now been portrayed in living color in a television mini-series.
There is a similar battle being waged today, all around us. It once again involves two families, and we are all caught in the middle of their onslaught.
Welcome to life amongst...
-The Douchefields and McAsshats-
... And welcome once again to The Beast Burrow! I'm glad you could all make it.
I hope at least a few of you took The Beast's last instructions to heart, and used the phrase, "Feast your (body part other than eyes)" during a conversation. If not, there's still time to do so. The Beast is fairly lenient as far as time lines go. No rush... No pressure... No hurry. Get it done!! 
I suppose I should have started today's post off with the obligatory 4th of July well wishing. I'm just not that wrapped up in such events, and so sometimes forget to mention them to others.
If I had my way, Holidays and Dates of Historic Importance would have a scheduled shelf life, and then be terminated to make room for something new and exciting.
My shelf life system would allow people who actually lived through an event plus the following generation who had to listen to their stories their entire lives to celebrate said event each year.
Once that following generation's last remaining member was verified to die, there would no longer be a need to celebrate shit that nobody currently alive was a part of.
New Year's could stick around, seeing as how there will always be a turn of the seasons.
I rather like dressing up and free candy, so Halloween can feel free to linger as well.
My system would mostly target religious occasions, since celebrating make-believe events is just silly, and also historic events which are remembered by no persons who actually witnessed them, or bare minimum knew people who witnessed them.
I think my system would open up a good chunk of the calendar, and force us to think of new things to celebrate which are actually relevant to our modern lives.
I mean, seriously; how long do we need to continue celebrating the 4th of July? By today's political mind set, we're basically celebrating something that we would consider treasonous if it were attempted again. Just think what happened the last time some of our own states tried to secede from the union. We basically did the same thing to gain our independence.
None of us alive today have the slightest clue of what life was like here under British rule. None of us can possibly know whether or not we're actually better off for having defeated them either.
Maybe somebody has a device in their basement which allows them to view alternate time lines. If so... Please share what you've seen with the rest of us.
Wouldn't it be a kick in the pants to find out, that had the British won, we would all be zipping around in hover cars now, and world hunger would have become a thing of the past in the 1960's. Perhaps one or both of the World Wars would never have been fought...... Who knows?
Well... I hope I've given you all something to think about while you celebrate our treasonous past.
Happy 4th of July Everybody!!!
BEAST OUT
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Wired into Washington Edition
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Posted:Jul 3, 2012 11:56 am
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2012 6:35 am
9773 Views
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Good day to you fine Minions and Gentleminions! Welcome, once again, to the only location in the northern hemisphere where you can find a double dose of dead sexy in the form of a Bloggerfeld/Beast co-vice presidential campaign poster!
I'll give you all a moment to feast your eyes, and take in all the majestic manliness, and sexitude.
Totally off topic already, but that phrase has been eating at me for some time now. Feast your Eyes. Why is it only the eyes that people want you to feast? Why, when say a man is sending a female Affairlook member a picture of his junk, does he not say, "Feast your pussy!"
Has anybody ever said, "Feast your fingertips." to a blind person as they handed them a book written in braile?
Couldn't a pharmacist say, "Feast your anus." While selling a hemmoroid ointment to a customer?
That's The Beast's marching orders to you minions this week. I want you all to use the phrase, Feast your (insert body part other than eyes) on somebody you speak to, and report back to me with their reaction.
Where was I? KarlBloggerfeld and I are wired directly into Washington, D.C. We know it's pulse, it's inner workings, and what it ate for breakfast. We're ready to serve all of you minions, even if you don't actually live here in the U.S.
We'll improve trade agreements with Canada, relieving the stress we created by tricking you into agreeing to export the same percentage of your oil to us each year, regardless of your actual output.
We'll stop using military intervention to get our hands on everything you have of value, wherever you're from. We think we could get our fair share through sharing our sluts with you instead. We have an overabundance of sluts apparently. All of the "dating" websites tell us this is true. 
Totally off topic once again. I just got an email from Spartyka Nation, announcing an upcoming MMA fight. I happen to be personally aquainted with Jimi Partyka, the founder of the company. Do The Beast another favor, and head over to the Spartyka Nation website, and buy a T-shirt or something. Jimi does a great deal of work helping The Wounded Warrior project, so he deserves some support for his efforts.
Where was I? Oh... Yes. When the time comes to cast your vote, do the right thing, and put KarlBloggerfeld and I in office as your very first co-vice presidents. We'll be able to get a great deal done without the constant fear of assassination looming around every corner.
I know Karl would certainly feel more at ease in office without having to worry about lone gunmen, firing impossibly fast volleys of rifle fire from an improbable targeting position.
Off topic - I had an appointment with a psychologist earlier today, and had a chance to read 2 interesting articles in the magazine, Psychology today.
One article discussed the results of a study in which it was found that men the world over are all mostly attracted to the same body shape in women, whether they are exposed to mass media suggestion or not. Men of remote island nations without television and magazines, still seek out small waisted, ample hip and thighed women.
The second article also showed the results of a study in which it was found that women are just as likely to be "dogs" as men. It seems that the only thing holding them back all these years was the fear of not having means if they pissed off their husbands. Now that they are earning their own, they are just as likely as men to have affairs.
So there you have it, folks. Don't forget to vote Karl and I into office. It's the right thing to do, and not at all creepy.
BEAST OUT
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Early Tits for Tuesday Edition
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Posted:Jul 2, 2012 4:45 pm
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2012 4:41 pm
10018 Views
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Sorry folks. I'll be busy working up a doodle for a post tomorrow, and figured I would get the Beast Boobs posted early. Don't mind the look that says, "Holy shit! I'm about to suffer heat stroke!". It passed after a cool shower and a naked lay under the ceiling fan.
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Pull your pants up Edition
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Posted:Jul 2, 2012 4:40 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2012 5:43 am
9529 Views
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Good morning minions! It's morning as I begin writing today's addition to The Beast Files at least. I'm sure by the time anybody gets to crack this one open, however, that it will more than likely be late afternoon, or sometime this evening.
Good afternoon, or evening, minions!
I'm sitting outside the offices of the latest medical professional I must subject myself to in order to secure my status as a disabled American Veteran. This particular visit will deal mostly with my good old elbows. I doubt I'll get a bunch of electrodes glued to my genitals today. Pity
I was almost certain I saw a zombie during the drive over here to Chesapeake. I was very close to stopping my truck, leaping majestically over the hood, and attacking it with wild swings of my Igloo lunch cooler.
After a second glance, I realized it was simply a with a shuffling sort of strut, a glazed look of indifference in his eyes, and untidy clothing.
People like that are going to cause a lot of confusion once the Zombie Apocalypse fully sets in. I imagine more than a few non-infected individuals are going to get whacked in the head accidentally, as zombie hunters experience a bit of trouble recognizing them as being still human.
Pull your pants up your ass, stop shuffle-strutting, and look like you give at least one shit, youngsters. The Beast has warned you. Do not be mistaken for a zombie when it really counts!
Seriously though.... The wearing of the pants so low that you expose your underwear-only clad buttocks for all the world to see, at eye level no less, has run it's course, don't you think?
It began as a way to show solidarity with guys in jail who have their belts taken away from them so that they won't be tempted to use them as makeshift nooses, and hang themselves before going to trial.
Men on the outside, began wearing their own pants, belt-less, and hanging low on their hips to say, "Hey, I'm with you guys."
The trend hasn't died off in a timely manner, and to make things worse, guys now wear belts with pants that are 4 sizes larger than they need, which sort of kills the whole, "They took my belt!" Vibe.
I would really like a new career in which I could carry out two specific functions. I would give ridiculously high priced parking tickets to everybody who parks in a fire lane to use Red Box, and I would beat anybody with their pants hanging more than 1/4 of the way down their ass with a rubber baton.
I might make an exception for plumbers who aren't showing crack purposefully, but because they lack the ability to wear a shirt long enough to tuck in and hide it. Many of them have also apparently had their belts taken from them.
OK, folks, I guess that's enough for today.
I hear KarlBloggerfeld posted a picture from his sleep apnea study. That's given me an idea for a new co-vice presidential campaign poster which I'll share with you all next time.
BEAST OUT
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I was anally probed, and I liked it Edition
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Posted:Jul 1, 2012 5:49 am
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2012 8:14 pm
10911 Views
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More fun, and less expensive than a visit to your local crack house. More entertaining than watching dogs get knotted together after fucking. More educational than an after-school special on the dangers of huffing glue. Sexier than 50 shades of chartreuse. (I normally pride myself on my spelling, but how did I get chartreuse correct without checking a dictionary first?) It's another exciting edition of The Beast Burrow!!!!! Yaaaaaaay!
So as you can see from the picture above, The Beast was abducted by aliens last night, and subjected to a wide array of experiments which were at times embarrassing, intrusive, and rather pleasant in a weird way.
The technicians told me that I gve the storm outside a run for its money as far as decibal levels went. They showed me a running graph full of squiggly, ziggley lines that represented my brainwaves, or something like that. There were a great deal of red and blue lines as well, signifying the times in which I stopped breathing anywhere from 15-45 seconds from what I gathered.
They liked me so much, they've asked me to come back to stay with them another night. Apparently they want to make me sleep with some sort of breathing apparatus on my face. That should be fun.
KarlBloggerfeld and I won't simply be the first co-vice presidents in U.S. history, we'll also have matching sexy masks. Ladies.... it's almost unfair to all of you, the amount of sexy that the two of us are about to unleash on the voting public.
I hope everybody is enjoying their weekend.
BEAST OUT
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Train the Way you Fight Edition
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Posted:Jun 30, 2012 10:18 am
Last Updated:Dec 20, 2012 2:13 pm
10187 Views
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The Beast Burrow proudly presents, in association with Tasmanian Tiger Productions, The Sasquatch Group, and Flaming Genitals United, a OneStrangeBeast Blog event -
Beastinator 4: Rise of the Flatulence
OK... No idea where that all came from, but I have to introduce myself somehow, right?
So last night was my Friday to have my . We planned to make a homemade pizza from scratch, and we managed to build it from the crust, up.
I still think I need to tinker with my dough recipe, to make it a bit fluffier, but my claimed it was the best pizza he had ever tasted. I'm sure that the fact he assisted has something to do with his appreciation, but it was nice to hear him praising me instead of telling me how much I suck for a change. .... What can you do?
Saturday - 8:00 a.m. The Beast was rudely woken from his hibernation, and instructed he must take the Beast Cub to his karate lesson.
9:15 a.m., Still making passes up and down road where karate Dojo is supposedly located.
9:20 a.m. Gave up looking for karate Dojo. Curse the fact that, as Americans, they still make students wear the gay, chinese clothing. Why not just a pair of loose sweat pants, and a T-shirt, simulating what an american might actually be wearing if he/she gets into a fight?
I can't believe I'm about to give full support to a military concept, but American Martial Arts Schools, listen up! "Train the way you fight."
Nobody that starts some shit with you in a bar is going to give you the time to change into your fighting attire and get barefoot.
Would you really want to be barefoot during a fight in an alley behind a bar anyway? I'm guessing you wouldn't. You would have jack shit for traction, and more than likely end up with a drug users discarded needle stuck in your big toe.
You're more than likely going to get into a situation requiring self defense while wearing your everyday street clothes, so start training in them, morons!
Any of you whiny instructors that want a piece of me for calling you morons, the line forms to the right outside the burrow door. I'll be wearing hiking boots... Best of luck with all the sharp pebbles out there.
You may also proudly display your black belts to each other out there while you wait. Mine is black as well, only leather, and has a really large, heavy metal belt buckle that doubles as a skull cracker attached.
I really have no idea where all of that rant came from. I apparently slept very badly last night. I'm full of Beastly venom.
9:25 a.m. Entered The Dollar Tree and purchased a bottle of shower gel, a laptop tripod thingie, and some snickerdoodle cookies.
OK. I'm going to play video games and Veg the rest of the day. I have to stay in a hospital tonight with 57 wires attached to my asshole, forehead, and testicles, for a sleep study. It should be fun. All I have to do is sleep.
Everybody enjoy your weekend.
BEAST OUT
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Alternative Edition
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Posted:Jun 29, 2012 7:47 am
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2012 4:41 pm
9473 Views
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The Beast is a big, fat contradiction in terms of what he loves, versus what he knows to be true.
I love fantasy, make-believe, and the supernatural in terms of entertainment. On the flip side of that coin, however, I despise it in the real world to a great degree.
My good bluddy, (Blogger Buddy if you've forgotten one of my terms.) SpiderJ72, got my mind spinning onto this topic.
It seems good old Spider-Mate has some chronic pain issues, and would like to live pain free for a change.
That got me thinking about the massive amount of BS that people pour money into in the world of "alternative" medicine, and therapies.
I warned you people that I might start taking swipes at things you hold in high regard.
Let me first say that popularity, and longevity have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with actual efficacy, potency, or plain old "It really works!". Having the support of millions of people, and having been practiced for thousands of years, does not automatically qualify something as being legit.
There are a great deal of therapies and procedures which enjoy a strong following of true believers, while having absolutely zero verifiable, repeatable, peer-reviewed, legitimate proof that they actually do jack squat other than make you feel better briefly through the power of suggestion.
A perfect example of this was noted during a study in which frequent seekers of acupuncture reported relief of their symptoms as usual even though instead of receiving acupuncture needles, they were simply tapped with a toothpick in the appropriate areas without their knowledge.
Some old Chinese guys may have said that there are intersecting "meridians of power and balance" in the body, but that doesn't mean the scientific community has actually been able to verify and locate them.
I've probably mentioned the habit of former stage magician and escape artist, James Randi, of swallowing 2 entire bottles of homeopathic headache medicine whenever he's on stage, giving a lecture. The crowd always freaks out, thinking he's going to overdose right there in front of them. He always assures them that you can't overdose on essentially nothing, which is the main ingredient in most homeopathic remedies. Don't even get me started on the homeopaths belief that their mixtures must be succitated by tapping the mixtures against a bible during their production.
Here's The Beast's advice. Before you spend good money on any product or procedure, do your research and find out what actual researchers say about your chances of success using whatever it is you're going to attempt.
Don't read the literature of the proponents of the product either. Try to find an independent, double blind study. They're out there if you look hard enough. The internet is an amazing tool for those purposes.
My favorite phrase which is uttered by almost every person I've ever known who regularly uses a chiropractor, is "Dr. (Ha) Crackinbacks is amazing! I've been going to him for years!"
Even without using Google to search the phrase, "Chiropractors are quacks.", just realize that if they were actually doing you any legitimate good, you could probably stop seeing them, instead of "going to him for years!".
I'll bet you'll feel better for a little while if I give you one of my patented Beastly Back Cracks, but I'm not actually fixing a damned thing. People keep asking me to hug them though.
I could turn this same methodology on some of my other favorite eyes to poke in the religious, and astrology fields, but I'll save that for another day. Suffice it to say, that the angle at which The Beast's balls dangle has as much bearing on your fate as the position of the stars and planets.
Imp will be in here to give me a piece of her mind any minute now.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material
In the form of a doodle. I know you minions have been missing them something fierce!
[image]
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Not a fluke. A comeback at 40? Edition
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Posted:Jun 28, 2012 9:25 am
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2013 11:45 pm
9020 Views
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So I hit the gym again today to try my hand at the free weights. Apparently my 6 repetitions of 315 pounds on the bench press wasn't a fluke the last time. I managed to repeat the same feat today. It seems I have a legitimate chance to not only make a come-back after two surgeries, but possibly even imcrease my strength level. That's a good feeling.
You'll notice that the gym is empty other than your's truly. I could have gone to the newer, and larger gym at Oceana, which is full of Navy wives, frisky while their husbands are deployed. (The Shame! I chose to go to the older, and less frequented gym at Dam Neck however. I'm simply still doing this for myself. I'm not out to impress anybody else.
I have an appointment later today to begin my Sleep Apnea study. That's an automatic 50% disability rating if I qualify. Every percentage point counts.
Everybody take care. I'll try to be more entertaining the next visit to the burrow.
BEAST OUT
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200th posting of absolute rubbish Edition
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Posted:Jun 27, 2012 6:30 am
Last Updated:Jul 4, 2012 5:28 am
9933 Views
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Hexakosioihexekontahaxaphobia!
That's what you suffer from if you fear the number 666. No worries here in The Beast Burrow though. I'm not a make believe boogie man, used to represent all that mankind considers "evil", and used as a shoehorn to get you packed tightly into a mega-church.
I'm not that sort of Beast. I'm more of a friendly, good natured, sometimes brilliant, occasionally hilarious, often sarcastic Beast of a Strange and Wonderful nature, used to shoehorn you into The Beast Burrow.
You've come at a very good time, especially if this is your first time within the confines of the burrow. This marks my 200th offering of Beastly goodness since I first began spewing it over a year ago.
I thought a photo opportunity would be in order, and so I present to you all, a snapshot of The Beast wearing the original, wolf snout G-string that started it all. This G-string, along with my wolf mask, played more than a small role in the name I chose to use here. I do apologize for my continued lack of photogenic qualities. I share many of the same shortcomings as my co-vice presidential candidate, KarlBloggerfeld.
Speaking of our bid to become America's first co-vice presidents, could somebody track down Karl and ask him when the elections are actually set to take place? Are we part of the general election, or do we get our own, special day to be voted into office, seeing as how we plan to change a great deal once we're in there?
I should bring everybody up to speed on what's been happening with The Beast. I'm sure many of you have been wondering where I ran off to. The Burrow has been unusually quiet for a few days now.
Last Friday was my final working day in our United States Navy. I only need to return on two specific days between now and my official retirement date of 30 September.
I'm now wrapped up in making it to all of my Veteran's Administration medical appointments so that I'll hopefully qualify for a fair share of disability compensation due to my various medical issues. Don't worry... The Beast isn't broken, he simply has a few things that don't work at 100% capacity. (No no no... Little Beast still works just fine).
I'll be taking a good deal of "me" time over the next month, and then I'll be diving head first into seeking out my next career opportunity. I have no idea exactly what that will be, but I'm optimistic I'll land something that will make me content and comfortable. What more can a Beast ask for?
OK... I don't want my 200th post to be devoid of interesting things, so here's a few things I would like to call your attention to.
Pull up Google Images in another window and follow The Beast along for a quick tour of some of Earth's more attractive features.
Take a peek at:
1) The Blue Hole of Belize (Guess)
2) The Cliffs of Moher (Ireland)
3) (and) The Devil's Bath (New.
Zealand)
Those are but 3 of some of the many fine places to see here on our big, blue marble.
Lastly, check out an example of how badly we fuck all of this up.
View: The North Pacific Gyre Trash
Vortex.
Yes... After watching possibly too many science fiction films, I always thought we would eventually create a vortex that was a gateway to another dimension. What have we accomplished instead? We've made a vortex that simply traps all of the trash thrown into the ocean, and swirls it around indefinitely.
The Beast also has an idea for an interesting stop along your East Coast, U.S. Travels. Visit beautiful Centralia, Pennsylvania to see another way in which we've messed things up.
In 1962, residents of Centralia got the bright idea to start burning the city's trash inside abandoned mine pits which were plentiful in the area.
To make a long story short, they caught the coal seams under their city on fire, and they've been burning beneath the ground ever since.
It was eventually decided it would be far cheaper to relocate the remaining residents, than to spend the hundreds of millions of dollars it was estimated would be required to solve the problem.
Centralia is now abandoned, but it's not against the law to visit. If you do... Try not to fall into one of the many, unstable sink-holes, and get toasted.
BEAST OUT
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Death by Weird Edition
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Posted:Jun 23, 2012 2:00 pm
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2012 7:02 pm
9825 Views
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Here we are, minions- a single post away from a staggering 200 adventures here in The Beast Burrow.
I apologize for having been absent the last few days. My mind was distracted during my final few actual working days in the United States Navy. Friday wrapped things up for me, more or less. I will only return twice between now, and my official retirement date of 30 September.
I begin my Veteran's Administration medical appointments on Monday. I'm hoping I end up with a fat disability percentage. That way I won't have to work myself to death in my old age.
Today I would like to talk about two real life events that are as strange as anything to ever happen in a science fiction movie. Maybe it will spark an interest in some of you.
The first item on the agenda is the Tunguska Event.
On June 30, 1908, a mid-air explosion leveled 80 million trees over 2,150 square kilometers in a remote region of Siberia.
Scientists believe the likely culprit was either an exploding meteoroid or comet which exploded after entering Earth's atmosphere.
The blast was estimated to be the equivalent of between 10-15 megatons of TNT. That would have been 1000 times more powerful than the bomb, dropped by airplane, and detonated upon the city of Hiroshima.
Strange, but true. Let's hope something like that never happens over a large, populated area.
The second event is the explosion of Lake Nyos in Cameroon.
Lake Nyos is one of three lakes known as Exploding Lakes, the other two being Lake Kivu, and Lake Monoun.
Lake Nyos last exploded on August 21, 1986, releasing a tremendous cloud of CO2, and suffocating 1,700 people, as well as 3,500 livestock in located in nearby villages.
A man riding his bicyclew from his village, to the next in which he worked, began noticing dead animals along the road, and eventually people. They all looked as if they had fallen dead in the middle of whatever activity they had been engaged in.
The CO2 cloud advanced very quickly, and even killed animals well above and a nearby mountain slope.
It makes The Beast appreciate life more, knowing it can be taken at any moment by the most obscure, and seemingly impossible events nature can throw at us.
My 200th post spectacular is coming next folks. I'll hopefully have it ready on Monday. I need to think of some special doodles, pictures, and topics. Hopefully it will be entertaining.
BEAST OUT
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This joke's on you! Edition
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Posted:Jun 19, 2012 11:11 am
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2012 12:59 pm
10293 Views
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The conditions must be within certain parameters. I need to feel warm, but not so much that I sweat. I must be laying down in a comfortable position. For some reason, it also helps if I gently wiggle my toes.
I close my eyes, concentrate my attention on the center of my forehead from within. The world goes quiet, I have a sense of floating in liquid, and eventually, I sense something moving gently toward my face, and touching it.
I believe... It's a memory from the womb.
________________________________________
So here we are, my trusty minion horde, thrust headlong into another Tuesday. That day of the week which holds no specific value as far as days go. We're trapped between the dreaded Monday, and the hopeful promise of Hump Day.
It sounds like the perfect day for the burrow to engage in completely random acts of scatterbrained goodness.
How many jokes have you minions heard in your lives? If you're anything like The Beast, I'm betting it's a large number. There are a couple of things I dislike about jokes.
1) I can rarely remember more than two good jokes at any given time even though I've heard, or read, thousands in my 40 years of life.
2) I've never made a joke up, and then later had somebody else attempt to tell it to me at a gathering.
I always wonder who makes jokes up. They just appear one day, as if they seep up through the very bedrock of society.
I know that stand-up comedians make up their jokes, or have a team of writers do it for them once they make it to the big time.
Those aren't the jokes I'm talking about though. That's "Material", and usually can't be used by somebody else as a stand-alone joke.
I'm talking about the jokes that begin like, "A farmer, a dentist, and a cheerleader are standing in a field one day when an airliner crashes nearby..."
Who makes up those types of jokes, and then how do they make it out into the world so that every party from Maine to California has at least one person sharing the joke? It's a mystery to me.
My friends and I used to buy copies of the "Truly Tasteless Joke Book" editions. That was one method of interstate joke migration. Jokes were collected into a single volume, and sold at bookstores nationwide, ensuring Tom in Michigan, and Jose in Texas, both knew the one about the man going into the bar with his pet alligator.
As I wrote this, something amazing happened! I thought up a new, original joke. Well... At least I've never heard something similar before. It's a short one, and probably doesn't warrant much more than a quick chuckle, but what do you expect for my first attempt?
Here it is.
What do you call a pair of extremely funny nipples?
.... Hilareolas!
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
OK... So maybe making up funny, original jokes isn't The Beast's forte. (Pronounced FORT for those minions who have paid attention to The Beast's earlier teachings.)
I have a few other talents to fall back on I suppose. Who wants to be a stand-up comedian anyway? All of that traveling from town to town, people wanting to party with you, women wanting to fuck you. It sounds rather unpleasant if you ask me.
(Psssst, KarlBloggerfeld. Can we be stand-up comedians if the whole co-vice president thing doesn't work out for us?)
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It seems Tuesday hasn't turned out quite as random as I had originally thought it would. Once I start on the subject of jokes, I seem to be able to ramble on a bit.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Increase your joke portfolio by a factor of one Randomly Borrowed from the Internet Joke Program.
Today's Joke:
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK." says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK." says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
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The Cheesy Maw Edition
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Posted:Jun 18, 2012 12:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2012 6:36 pm
9396 Views
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It's Monday once again, my upstanding horde of miniony goodness. I hope that everybody had a pleasant weekend, and threw a bit of extra love their Daddy's way.
Daddy Beast is no longer with me, but I shot the shit with him for a few moments anyway.
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So over the weekend, The Beast had an idea for a business model, and would like to canvas you fine minions in order to get a feel for how well it would be received.
My and I were having lunch at a Buffalo Wild Wings when the idea came to me.
I noticed there were no fewer than a dozen televisions, showing various sporting events in progress, and I briefly wished there was something playing that I would be interested in watching.
The program, Hunting Bigfoot, sprang to mind, and suddenly an entirely new franchise idea came to me. Why not have a theme restaurant chain based on the types of myths, legends, and odd stories like those found in the Weird U.S. Book (And individual state's books.)?
Every state has its own unique collection of the strange, and bizarre. Some stories are interchangeable. Any state with so much as an acre of woodland has had Bigfoot sightings, and nearly any city worth it's incorporated status has a haunted house.
Each restaurant could be decorated with items that celebrate the weird of whichever state it opened its doors in.
Menus could also be tailored to fit the local legends. West Virginia could offer the Mothman Meatball sandwich. I can see a couple pimento stuffed olives on toothpicks to represent Mothman's red, glowing eyes, and his wings could be shaped from a bed of lettuce.
Michigan franchises could have their signature Dogman Hot Platter.
Bunnyman could offer up a Healthy Choice menu of salads and other low fat, low carbohydrates meals.
Sports fans are well taken care of by a multitude of sports bars, and theme restaurants of their own. What about those of us who would be happier watching an episode of Ghost Hunters (As cheesy and pathetic as it is.), a documentary about The Jersey Devil, or a UFO investigation?
That's the sort of entertainment you could expect at one of the establishments I have in mind. Having a wait staff dressed as their favorite characters might be fun as well. (Care would be taken to choose programming and costumes that wouldn't be too frightening for smaller , of course.)
I figure some of the locations in each state are run as a for-profit, and the managers have a vested interest in tourism. They could probably be approached for both investment, as well as coupon tie-ins and things of a symbiotic nature.
The best aspect of this idea, from a franchise point of view, is that while the restaurants would offer a familiar (And hopefully favorite.) dining experience, they would differ from each other enough, in both ambiance as well as menu choices, as to not have the cookie cutter feeling of sameness as most other chain establishments.
Each state would offer familiar menu choices, while also preparing dishes specific to their own particular myths, monsters, and mayhem.
Each location could also have a small gift shop on the premises, selling the Weird U.S. book collection, board game, and items specific to their state's most well known weird and wonderful locations.
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So there you have my latest, stroke of genius, idea, folks.
Let me know what you all think. Would you take your family to eat in an establishment where your waiter might be decked out as The Jersey Devil, and UFO abduction interviews played on television screens?
I wrote an email to Mark and Mark, the two authors of the Weird U.S. Series. I ran the idea past them to see what they think of it.
If I get word back from them, whether positive or negative, I'll let all of you minions know what they thought about it themselves.
BEAST OUT
Bonus Material!
Test your knowledge of Cryptozoological Creatures with OneStrangeBeast's CryptoClues!
Today's clues: You're walking through the woods when you suddenly come face to snout with a bizarre creature. It has the wings of a leathery bat, cloven hooves upon a serpentine body, and the head of a .
Have you just met:
1) A Skunk Ape
2) The Jersey Devil
or
3) A Televangelist
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