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An inside look at the memoirs of...

The Miztress

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My Secret Desire
Day Dream Part 1
Day Dream Part 2

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Lord, Take Me With You
Angel Eyes
Cruel Love
Without You
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~*~ Poems ~*~
In Loving Memory

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Dear Nessa as in Dear Abby

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Posted:Nov 22, 2009 7:05 pm
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2012 9:43 pm
So, as few of you know, I am now in a relationship with someone who just takes my breath away. It's not someone I would usually go for, but something drew me a while back, and now that we finally are together I'm hanging on for dear life.

She is a butch lesbian, who's beautiful inside and out, sweet, caring and loving... however, life has not been kind to her in the love department, and of course, she has been seriously hurt in the past.

She says she loves me, and wants to be with me... and I know she's telling the truth. But, there's times, when she gets scared and pushes me away... and while I totally understand where she's coming from... because I used to do it. It still hurts.

I guess my question is, how do I deal with that? or better yet, how do I make her see that she does not have anything to fear with me? This is a whole new position for me to be in, so I'm kind of... scared? umm... not sure if that's the correct word for it. I'm not scared of the relationship... I'm just like, lost... lol.

Any thoughts?

Posted:Apr 15, 2009 11:01 pm
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2016 8:32 pm

Ok... This is not my normal post, but then again... I haven't posted anything in a long time.

I don't know how touchy this subject is for many of you... but, I was wondering... what are your thoughts on suicide? Have you ever thought about it? Have you ever tried?? If you haven't... what stopped you?

I have to admit, in the last year... I've contemplated that thought more times that I would ever think possible. And even though, I've come up with a thousand and one ways to do it. (You'd be surprised the shit you can come up with when you've got a 45 minute drive on a dark lonely road every day, twice a day!) Anyway... back to the point... even though I've like, actually pictured what I would do, and how it would happen... I don't think I'd ever have the guts to try it again.

What stops me? Well, for one my girls... I couldn't put them through that again... the very few people that I think love me... I think they may find that too hard for them. And then, although I'm not what you'd call a religious person... Honestly, I'm afraid... afraid that if I did something, I would ruin any chance of seeing my sons again... *sigh* Yet... not seeing them now... I think it would be easier being dead. Not dealing with the pain.

But don't worry, I'm too chicken shit to try to do anything... I'm scared shitless of pain.. I can't stand guns... I cry like a baby with a simple paper cut. Which brings me to wonder... how can someone, anyone, take a blade and cut them selfs?? It's something I really can't wrap my head around.

Now, I know, you're wondering, why am I asking this? Well... my ... she's started doing that... and as much as I understand her pain, I can't understand how she can do that to her self! And even worse, it drives me mad, that apparently, there's nothing that I, her mother, can do to help! Nothing that will make her stop... nothing that I say, seems to make her see that I will do anything to take that pain away. I would give my whole life up in a heartbeat for her...

Anyway, so... I guess I'm just kind of wondering... hell.. I don't even know what I'm wondering anymore. I guess I'm kind of hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

On the upside of things... I've just found one more reason... or person, I should say, that kinda keeps me going... just by reminding me to smile everyday!

Anyway, I'm done with my.... whatever you call this... I just want to say one more thing...

I've missed you guys and gals. And no, I'm not technically back, but I check in every once in a while.


~ Nessa ~

Posted:Nov 2, 2008 12:24 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2009 7:01 pm

I've never been a very religious person. But here, after losing my , I've begun to wonder a lot of things. I wonder if it's true what they say... that he's watching me, or watching over me... I wonder if people can actually contact the dead. I've had experiences before... but I rather not talk about those... What I want to talk about, or rather share, is what happened to me today. Simply because, I don't know if it really happened, if it was my imagination, if I'm going crazy, or if it was some type of sign.

This morning, I decided to make breakfast, I haven't made breakfast like that since before my passed... anyway, my room mate picked up my , she had went to a sleep over and she had to be picked up early and my room mate picked her up. Anyway, when she got home, I was still cooking, trying to get everyone's breakfast all set up for everyone, my room mate walks into the kitchen, and I don't see my , so I ask for her, then I look to the hallway... between all the people that were in the kitchen... standing there in the hallway, is my ... with his short spiked hair, his big beautiful eyes, his gorgeous smile... looking at me the way he always did when he was waiting for me to finish cooking something he liked.

I almost dropped whatever it was I was holding, I think I even said "oh my god!"... people moved around in the kitchen, and blocked my view for an instant, when I was able to see across the room again, it was my standing there. I can't say I wasn't happy to see her, but even though I know it's not possible... for a brief moment, my life... my heart was whole again.

Now that I think about it, I wonder how could I be so stupid to even consider for a minute that he'd be standing here, and why? why would I believe it? even if it was for that small amount of time? I mean, it's not like he's lost, it's not like I don't know what happened to him, like there's even a small chance that one day somehow, some way I'll find him.

After he passed away, I went to the doctor because I began getting very sharp chest pains... my doctor did tests and all that... she couldn't find anything... she said her diagnose was, I was heart broken. Now, I'm seeing him? I think I'm going crazy... I've never believed in aliens, or ghosts, or heaven or hell... but at this point, I don't know what to believe, so I have to ask... What do you believe?

~ Nessa ~

Posted:Oct 19, 2008 8:48 pm
Last Updated:Oct 24, 2008 10:42 pm

So, here's the thing, with halloween coming, and my room mate and I going to the Boo Bash this year... I kind of need help. What do you think would be a good halloween costume for me? Any ideas?

[blog Mistress_Nessa]
Anywhere, USA.

Posted:Sep 26, 2008 1:39 am
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2008 10:39 pm

When a love is lost...
In your heart and mind,
Everything changes.
Everything loses sense,
The world becomes your enemy.
When a love is lost...
Everything is obsolete,
and absolutely everything,
is a danger.
When a love is lost...
Rain soaks your soul,
and that cloudy cloud follows your steps,
When you lose your love.

The blue skies change to gray,
the white turns black.
In the sea, instead of water you find fire.
For that love you've become so weak,
That the wind knocks you down.
There's no words that can console your pain.
A movie of love is what you're living...
Where you are the victim,
And it's oh so depressing.
It's a segment without end without commercials,
and if the star dies, you die heartbroken.
When you lose your love

You only love once in your life
Or so says Romeo.
Oh how I want to cry.
That's right, I found out.

When a love is lost...
Tears flow from your eyes frequently
Your pupils are the only witnesses,
That you still cry for him.
When a love is lost...
Valentines day you feel rejected,
There's no one who wants you.
When a love is lost...
The keys on the piano don't have sound,
Guitars don't have strings,
A person without veins,
When you lose your love.

You'll see the sun without clarity, science changes
When it's cold you'll feel warm and vice-versa
Those parties no longer have emotion
and during christmas you'll cry in a corner
There will be no paint or color for your art
Just a paper without meaning or details
and only you will understand the painter,
If you don't understand go back and read it again.

When you lose your love
Depression takes away your heart
When you lose your love
And everything just seems to fall apart.
When you lose your love
Say goodbye to that beautiful feeling
When you lose your love
Open the door to the pain of loving
When you lose your love
1 comment

Posted:Sep 26, 2008 12:59 am
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2012 9:14 pm

My roommate and I are sitting here... well, I'm sitting here while my roommate is laying on the sofa... she's a sofa hogger! So, while she's laying there comfortably, I'm sitting on this chair that's making my butt numb... which could be the reason why this question came to mind, but anyway... We're here watching the movie "The Holiday" and it got me wondering, I did a search for home exchange, and I actually found a website for that!

Anyway, I started thinking of all these cool places I want to go see some day... and I'm just wondering. If you could go anywhere in the world... Where would you go?? and why??

I'd love to go to Paris, Italy, England... Australia!!

Paris, because it's supposed to be the city of love... or so I hear! Italy... Not like a major city but like a small town in Italy... that would be so cool! to see other culture... England and Australia... Because I LOVE their accent! lol I know stupid but oh well!

So, what about you? Where would you go?

Posted:Sep 23, 2008 12:52 am
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2012 9:14 pm

I stole this idea from a friend, NaughtyBlonde78, who in turn stole it from BigSexxxy693 so please... Tell me a secret!

Anything you want to tell me, be it a fantasy you've got, how naughty you've been, or just something you want to get off your chest.

My settings are set so that all comments will remain pending, so no one but me will see them and you can say anything that you wish and I can respond to each personally.

So... What have you got to say??
1 comment , 3 Pending

Posted:Sep 1, 2008 10:54 pm
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2008 1:47 am
Well... Sort of... I've been sort of back for a while... I'm still taking it day by day... but I've found that I've lost something within me... The things I used to enjoy doing, are just meaningless now... I used to love to write, I could put my feelings all on paper... or here... and now... I've been trying, for over a month to write something, anything! Anything that will let you all know how I'm doing, how I'm feeling... There's nothing... nothing comes out... it's as if everything within me was just a big, dark, hollow space of emptiness. It's as if half of me died with him... and the other half is just living, because that's what it's called when people breathe and move... but yet, I don't feel alive.

~ Nessa ~

Posted:Jul 12, 2008 2:33 pm
Last Updated:Aug 17, 2013 2:28 am

Hello everyone;

I hope you're all doing ok, and I hope that you guys and gals don't think I've forgotten about you all! Because I haven't.

I don't have internet at the moment. But thanks to a friend I found a way to get on here and update you all on things around here.

So, here's the run down on what's been happening. After my 's death my oldest (14) tried to commit suicide, the doctors at one point wanted to hospitalize her, thankfully though she failed at that attempt, but I've been having to watch her very closely to make sure she doesn't try again. I've been spending as much time with my girls as I can, I just got a job. A permanent position. We've moved. And my oldest has taken up volunteering at a pet center, where she spends most of her time and it seems to make her happy. My youngest one spends her time with the neighbor and her , in the pool, she's got a tan now, but it's ok. My girls have started smiling and laughing again, and I'm thankful for that.

I still cry every day, I try not to in front of my girls, but I miss my terribly. With this new job though it allows me to put my mind into something else, and keeps me occupied as well. I will probably be without internet for the remaining of this month. As it turns out that I have to move again! The person who's renting us the house has decided he wants to repair it and sell it so he has asked us to move out, and I don't see the point on getting internet on a place that I have to move out of. Anyway, things are not so stable yet, but I think they're getting there.

I want to thank you all for your understanding and for respecting my wishes to have some alone time. But I miss you guys! So, feel free to call me or contact me. I work afternoons so if I don't answer it's because I'm at work, and I'll try to call you back. If you can't call me, that's ok too... just know that we're doing ok, and I miss you all!


~ Nessa ~

Posted:May 28, 2008 2:58 pm
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2008 2:31 pm
For the first time in my life, I feel completely lost... I don't know what I want to do, where I want to go... I've always been very sure of what I wanted, I always knew where I wanted to go, how I wanted to get there, and what I needed to do to get there... Yet, these last 3 months, I feel completely lost.

I need to move again, the building I'm in is going to be foreclosed, so everyone in this building is moving. My mom wants me to go with her, my sisters both want me to go with them, my aunt thinks I should take some time off and go stay at my mom's house in Mexico for a little while until I get my head straight. I have no reason to stay in Chicago... and have been thinking about moving to the suburbs, but I don't know where to even begin looking!! And I don't know if that would be the best thing to do right now, in a way I think my girls need to be around family right now, specially my oldest one... She's taking her brother's death very hard... she tried to commit suicide a month ago... she's talking to people now... and I think she's doing a bit better... but right now, everything's so blurry for me, I don't even know where to begin.

The main thing for me right now is my safety... but how do I decide what's safe for them?? How do I know what's best for them?! I thought moving here to this apartment was best for them... and my died 26 days later... so now, I don't know... I know you guys can't tell me what to do... but I guess I just need... something... some perspective... help? guidance? Anyone?

~ Nessa ~
In Loving Memory
Posted:May 4, 2008 7:14 pm
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2012 9:38 pm
In Loving Memory
Seth I. Perez
08.12.99 - 02.26.08
Always loved, Never forgotten

There are no words left to say
Or even stories to tell
What one day came to me
Today is gone.

I have to believe that your soul never left
It just needed to be free
And so destiny decided
once again.

Such a short time ago I felt
That you were everything to me
And today I can't even say your name
knowing that you're gone and I'm left here

Me, Without you my love

I've almost gone out looking for you
and handed you my broken heart

Me, Without you my love

I've been on the verge of joining you
so I can leave this pain behind

Me, Without you my love

It hasn't been easy to accept
That you will never come back
Oh how it hurts to remember
that you're not here anymore

Such a short time ago I felt
That you were everything to me
And today I can't even say your name
knowing that you're gone and I'm left here

Me, Without you my love

I've almost gone out looking for you
and handed you my broken heart

Me, Without you my love

I've been on the verge of joining you
so I can leave this pain behind

Me, here without you my love... I'm dying.

~ Nessa ~

Just thought Id let you all know...
Posted:Mar 29, 2008 12:40 am
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2008 11:24 pm

I'm still around... just trying to figure out how to breathe...

For those of you who do not know, my 8 year old passed away last month... and I honestly don't know if i can survive this again... he was my miracle baby... my little man... he was the light of my life... my reason to live... my everything.

My heart, my soul, my whole being aches so much... My girls are the reason I wake up every morning... But... How do you remember to breathe with so much pain?? and why would you want to??

Anyway... this wasn't meant to be a pity party post, just wanted to let everyone who's been there for me how much i appreciate it, and that i'm still around, just not as active as i was... for a while.

~ Nessa ~

To link to this blog (Miztress_Nessa) use [blog Miztress_Nessa] in your messages.

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