I must soldier on
|
Posted:Dec 28, 2018 10:14 am
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2020 7:58 pm
10935 Views
|
For various reasons this time of year brings me I'll feelings. I find that the last few have been especially difficult as I also contend with feeling alone.
I not alone though. I have my two sons living with me. They are great young men and quite honestly proud of the fact that I was able to raise two young men who have grown into honest decent human beings.
I also have a loving and supportive family. Although my mother is gone I still have my father. Dad has given me nothing but love and respect my whole life and I am so fortunate to still have him. I also have three loving sisters who watch out for me and will fight to death for me. Lastly, I have a brother who happens to be the wisest man I know. He has a knack for keeping things in perspective and explaining his advice in a way that only he can.
so fortunate, and I realize this.
So why do I feel so alone? I suppose the loneliness started many ago when I lost my wife. She is still alive but not the same person I shared a huge portion of my life with. About 6 ago she started drinking. This was very bad as she also suffered from mental illness that I dare not diagnose. Nonetheless, it was there. As her drinking consumed her I was left to raise my boys basically alone. She was there but we all had to witness the terrible illness destroy her. I had to be the rock for my boys and it was quite difficult.
Eventually the drinking led to drug use. not sure where she was getting the drugs but the symptoms we witnessed made us realize that she had became a victim of the opiod epidemic. It was terrible. She would nod off constantly. By this time my boys were enough and educated enough to recognize what was happening.
We confronted her. Many times. But it did us no good. She was in complete denial. As all this was happening we also faced financial issues as she was not working as much as we needed. I owned a small ranch, mortgage free for many . I raised meat goats which didn't bring in much money but kept me busy as I recouperated from a serious spinal injury.
After a few we found ourselves in trouble with property taxes. We had to take out a mortgage to get right. As this happened I was forced to go back to a regular job with a steady paycheck and benefits. As long as we both worked we would be fine.
We struggled like this for a couple and finally I earned a promotion. Finally...i thought we would be able to be comfortable.
Then...the bottom dropped out. Her drug use had continued to worsen. She reached the point where she had some sort of breakdown. She did not move from the couch for three months. She did not even shower. I did everything I could. I cashed out all of my vacation time. I sold several of my possessions. I did all I could to keep us from financial ruin.
I begged her to get help. I explained that we would lose everything we have if she didn't get help. I told her I was there for her and would support her to get through it all. I explained if we sold her vehicle that we could buy ourselves a good six months.
She would have none of it. We finally had to have her committed for three days against her will. It didn't help. She came home and went back to the couch. And she now resented me.
After a couple months I realized that I was nothing more than her enabler. I finally made the decision that we must get divorced. I could not keep sinking emotionally and financially.
We auctioned everything we owned. I lost it all. My wife, my farm, all of my happiness.
I soldiered on. I had to stay strong for my boys. As I've been the one ever one leans on I began to realize that I don't have anyone to lean on myself. Yes I have my wonderful family but not comfortable giving them all my troubles. I didn't want to be that guy.
So I've come to discover that I lonely for a real partner. Someone to share my downs as well as my ups. Someone to just hold me...and tell me I will be ok.
As I've been here I've not been searching for anything serious. I feel like I to properly heal before I can take on a real commitment. But it's left me lonely.
I became very close with a person here. Beyond my control I found myself opening up and sharing many of my feelings. It was very nice to have someone who seemed to genuinely care. I found this relationship very satisfying. There were no complications of actually being together yet there was a warm feeling that someone truly cared. A true friendship and it was nice.
For some reason our friendship has seemed to be going in the wrong direction. It pains me very much. I don't know what happened but the vibe I've been getting lately is one of bitter coldness. I don't know what happened. Maybe I shared too much. Maybe they got sick of listening to my troubles. All I know is that I very much miss the friendship we shared and don't know what I should do at this point.
So...in the end I soldier on. Feeling very lonely once again.
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Surprise...pt 1
|
Posted:Dec 18, 2018 6:25 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2019 8:15 am
7083 Views
|
As the sun sets Angel relaxes and winds down from a long day of work. Her body aches from the relentless schedule of the two jobs she works just to get by. As she relaxes and ponders her feelings she realizes that her mind aches worse than her body. How can I be so alone?...she wonders. After all, she gets propositioned many times a night as she waits tables in the evenings just to pay her rent. It's not as though she isn't a beautiful woman with so much love to give the right man.
At this moment she realizes what she has just said to herself. The problem isn't with her. The issue seems to be that the RIGHT man has not come into her life. Sure there's a couple nice men in her life but there's always something that happens to make her realize that she's better off waiting for the RIGHT man. She begins to think of those who intrigue her. First there's Joe. Joe seems to be a nice enough guy. He's always very sweet and makes her laugh. He has a good job and seems to be stable in his life. But the problem with Joe is quite simple. She doesn't feel attracted to him. Strike one.
Then there is Rick. Rick is also a great guy who makes her laugh. He always leaves generous tips and visits the restaurant she works at daily. When things aren't going well Rick is there to listen and offer his support. He's good looking enough to date but Angel can't bring herself to think of Rick as nothing more than a friend. Sorry Rick...you've been friend zoned! Strike 2.
She then begins to think about Ryan. Oh yeah Ryan!! Now this man you see has it all. He's a very handsome business man who visits the restaurant once a week or so. He's always dressed sharp and smells great. His body is tight and toned. Ryan is rumored to once be a Hollister model. Just envisioning Ryan gets Angel stirred up in ways that only he can. But there's a problem with Ryan too. All of the waitresses want Ryan to sit in there section so they can wait on him. The competition is fierce. And yes...Ryan knows this. It's a bit of a game he plays when he comes in. He loves the attention and enjoys seeing the women fight for his presence. It's all too much. He's just too egotistical. No man worth such childish schoolgirl behavior. Strike three.
Angel feels even more exhausted now. Her pondering has left her emotionally drained and shes ready to turn in. Her mind and body needs the rest as tomorrow is another 2 shift day. As she turns off the lights there's a knock on her door.
"Yes...who's there?" she's asks. "It's Michael" she hears from the other side of the door. "Michael who?" She replies. "Michael from the restaurant. My car broke down about a mile away and I wasn't sure what else to do. I remembered you told me you lived in this complex. I asked a fella outside which apartment was yours and he directed me here. Sorry if I startled you. I really just need a phone and some help finding a tow truck. I'm sorry I didn't really know what else to do."
Michael is a salesman who stops at the restaurant monthly. He works for one of the main suppliers and stops to talk to the owner about some of the items his company runs a good deal on. The owner loves him and always looks forward to their meetings. Michael always stays for dinner after his meetings and sits in Angels section because he likes the view of the surroundings from her section.
Over the past several months Michael and Angel have gotten to know each other quite well. He generally eats long before the restaurant gets busy so they've had time to discuss many things. Angel thinks he's a great guy. She finds him very attractive and appreciates his visits. Michael has flirted from time to time but never enough to make Angel feel as though he's genuinely interested in her. In fact there is a part of Angel that wishes he would be more interested but he just always stops short of anything too serious. He's just...too much of a gentleman. Knowing him as she does she has no problem opening the door for him.
"Come on in Michael, how can I help you?" They both sort of chuckle at her response as this is the way she greets him at the restaurant. "I'm so sorry. I don't have any appointments until tomorrow afternoon. I was trying to get to the town it's in tonight. I like to get to the places the night before so I'm not worn out from traveling the day of my appointment. It's much easier for me to travel at night also because the traffic is minimal. Anyway, as I was headed out tonight my car just started acting funny. I couldn't keep it running and it stalled out. It won't start. My cell phone was low and it died when I was trying to find a towing company. I can't find my charger anywhere and I started to sort of panic. Then I remembered I passed by your building just a little ways away so I walked here and hoped you would be here and able to help. Sorry if I freaked you out."
Angel replied "of course not Michael, you've always been a nice man and I'd be glad to help you out. As a matter of fact, you're in luck. My brother happens to own a towing business and I'm sure I can shake him down for you." Michael responded "Wow, I guess you really are an angel." They shared a laugh.
As Angel went to retrieve her phone Michael pondered about the secret he had been keeping to himself. He had always found Angel very attractive and likeable. For months she had been at the top of his spank bank but he was afraid to let on how much he liked her. He actually found that he began to have deeper feelings for her a couple months back. You see, Angel had remembered his birthday and had the restaurant make him a special cake that day. He was supposed to be there but got held up and had to reschedule his appointment. When he found out what he had missed he felt awful but also felt special in that Angel not only remembered his birthday but had something planned for him. It made him feel warm inside that she had remembered.
Although he felt this way Michael felt it was best to not persue Angel. Being a rather practical man, Michael had many reasons to not chase after her. First of all he was much older than Angel. He didn't lack self confidence or had issues with age discrepancies in relationships but felt that eventually Angel would need a younger man. In fact, he felt Angel deserved a younger man. Secondly, he had visited the restaurant enough to see the way Angel blushed and flirted with Ryan and simply felt that this was the man she truly desired. He was not interested in being anyone's consolation prize.
As Angel texted her brother Michael began to feel his emotions stirring. She looked so beautiful with her head down tapping the keys. He had always been enamoured with her hair and noticed how it flowed so nicely over her shoulders as she sent her message. "He always gets right back to me" she explained as they waited for his response.
As they waited in an awkward silence Michael began to notice that the night clothes Angel was wearing were quite revealing. The top she had on was oversized for comfort and as she looked down at her phone he accidentally caught a peek at both of her breasts. He also noticed that she was wearing shorts and realized that he had never seen her legs before. He found himself becoming aroused.
Buzz...went the cell phone as Angels brother responded. She read the message. "He says it will be at least an hour...maybe two before he can get out here. He's in the middle of winching another vehicle that went off the road and it's a mess." As she looked up from the phone her eyes caught Michael's and she saw something different in them. She wasn't sure what it was but his eyes looked different. She then began to realize that what she saw was his desire for her. She had never felt it before. She couldn't explain it. But she knew immediately that she liked it.
"Oh my" said Michael. "Is there a motel close by that I could get to? I wouldn't want to put you out any more than I already have. I can see that you were just getting ready for bed." "Nonsense" she replied "you're welcome to stay here as long as necessary, besides, I'm starting to catch my second wind." She smiled and winked as she said this.
Michael found himself really turned on all of the sudden. Her smile, her wink, her beautiful body, her beautiful eyes overpowered him. He began to think of all the times he had masturbated while fantasizing about her. He had no control, he leaned in and whispered, "Angel...I've dreamt of this for a long time" he looked deep into her eyes as she looked deep into his. They both knew it felt so right...And their lips pressed against each other's in a long, deep, passionate kiss.
Stay tuned for part 2 folks. Have a great night!
Peace Mike
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Please...
|
Posted:Dec 17, 2018 4:30 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2019 8:15 am
5294 Views
|
So please..
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this could be so political!
And please..
I'm still wearing this miserable skin.
And it's starting to tear from within.
And it's obvious
That doesn't bother you!
Once again I refer to Aaron Lewis. It seems much of his writing explains many of my own feelings. I figure we both suffer from the same afflictions. ADHD, bipolar, and maybe just a bit...insane?
I've recently spent a lot of time analyzing myself and my struggles. Probably the most fascinating thing I've tried to wrap my head around is how I was able to be married for 24 years. You see...I've come to realize that I'm quite incapable of maintaining a stable relationship because of my illness. At least without breaking down and finally admitting to myself that I have a problem that is. The next step for me will be to discover what sort of therapy, drugs or combination of such will be what I need to make some progress. The road is long.
I'm insecure. I never realized I was insecure because I never really understood that insecurity comes in many different forms. I mean I'm not unhappy with my general appearance. I don't have feelings that I'm not good enough for someone. I don't experience jealousy or fear of losing someone. These were the kinds of things I thought insecure people felt. But I don't feel these things. So I wondered exactly what is it that I feel?
I realized that my biggest fear was screwing things up. I find I live in constant fear of saying or doing something which jeopardizes any relationship that is important to me. I'm not referring merely romantic relationships but any relationship that is important to me. I guess I feel this way because I've consistently found myself having to explain my words and actions. Sometimes people think something I've said or done wrong means that I don't care about them. But if they draw that conclusion than it is their problem not mine. Correct?
Be that as it may, it all leads to me sort of walking on egg shells in respect to those I care about. As I carefully navigate my relationships I find I'm constantly insecure that my actions or words will be misunderstood.
I'm human. I make mistakes. I can accept that but fear that others will no longer accept me. Again...that should be their problem, not mine. I don't fear the actual loss of the relationship. I know many relationships simply run their course. What I fear is being the one who screwed it up. What does that make me? A narcissist? I can't wrap my head around it all.
So please..
Please wish me well as I try to figure out how to deal with my struggle so that one day I can lose this insecurity and just be happy!!
✌ Mike
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Stuck in these shoes
|
Posted:Dec 7, 2018 7:51 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2019 8:16 am
5406 Views
|
Sometimes I still feel like I'm losing
Sometimes I still feel all alone
Sometimes I still feel I won't make it through this on my own
Because I'm stuck in these shoes
I got nothing to lose
I've played the fool
I broke all of the rules
Now I have to choose
Because I'm stuck in these shoes
I've referenced my favorite singer songwriter many times. Aaron Lewis has written so many words like these in so many songs it's almost spooky for me. So many times they seem to fit where I'm at in my own personal struggles perfectly.
So lately I've been feeling stuck in these shoes. You know...Not making any sort of progress really. I feel like I've just been spinning my wheels, treading water,and any other cliche one can think of to explain the feeling of going no where. In fact many times I feel as though I'm slipping backwards.
I joined this site to hook up. The goal was to meet like minded people and share nothing but fun. Many times I sit and contemplate about the way my experience has evolved here. Somehow along the way I've become more interested in just having a good conversation than hooking up.
So...what the hell happened. Why have I become this way?
I think the first reason is pretty simple. There are very few attractive single women here locally looking for the same thing. It seems anytime a new prospect comes along they are gone before I get the chance to get any response from them. They get run out of here by the shear volume of messages they get. At least that is what I've been told. A local woman I've been trying to speak to for a couple weeks is already soon to be gone I'm sure. If I'm lucky I get a hi or hello back from her and that's it for the conversation. I noticed she has like 150 friends already so the odds of and actual conversation with her seem to be dwindling by the minute. Interestingly enough this is sort of the same reason I avoid bars. I mean it's like 60 guys drooling over 4 chicks...the odds of success stink. Plus I really don't like to drink especially if I'm looking for sex.
Because of all this I evolved into a couples seeker. I've been lucky enough to have success in this area and have several I see from time to time. However I am always searching for more because I'm getting more picky about the women and other than one of the couples I see the women are much heavier than I prefer. This presents many challenges. Many aren't looking for men. Many are particular about someone who is bi or not. And many I've found are really just men. The last one really grinds my gears. I can't tell you how many times I've talked with what I thought was a couple searching for men only to discover that the proposition comes downs to...so are you interested in playing with just me...the man half? No. I'm not. Yes I'm listed as bi. Yes I've played with men. Yes I still play with one particular man from time to time. But that's about it. I'm not interested in men. I want women. Period. Get it?
And so...the evolution continues. I've pretty much given up seeking playmates. I mean if something comes along then great but I'm not on here constantly seeking out others for such things anymore. I find I've been much more interested in having an interesting conversation to pass the time in the evening than anything else. Which brings me to realize something about myself. The fact is...I'm quite lonely.
It's a strange place to be. I don't feel alone. I live with my two sons. But I do find that I like to talk to different people about different things. I find it's very therapeutic to talk about the struggles we all face. The problem is finding someone here as much as me who enjoys just talking as well. Most people have lives outside of here that keep them busy. Personally I work many hours and find myself just relaxing alone when I'm not. I don't want to go out. I don't want to do much other than save my money and chat with interesting people.
So at the end of the day here I am. Stuck in these shoes. Making little progress in my life and it's becoming quite frustrating. So if you see me on here in the evening feel free to say hi and know that I'm always interested in talking.
Peace. Mike
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Thankful today
|
Posted:Nov 22, 2018 4:05 am
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2018 6:03 am
4973 Views
|
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday for many reasons.
I have written many times times here about some of the negative things I feel and experienced. Today is the one day a year I make a conscious effort to put my sarcasm and negative feelings aside and celebrate the things I have to be thankful for.
First and foremost I am thankful for my wonderful family. I am fortunate to have the love and support of three wonderful sisters and my brother who happens to be the wisest man I know. I also have a father who has always been there when I needed him and never judged me for being me. I have have a step and two sons of my own that may have issues but have grown into honest decent young men. Finally there is Mom. Mom passed away several years ago but she is still with me everyday. Her love and support made me the person I am today. I am not the least bit ashamed to tell anyone at anytime that I am a mammas boy!
Secondly I am thankful to be gainfully employed. I struggle as many of us do to make my responsibilities each month. I work many hours at a tough job with a paycheck that really doesn't reflect the effort I put into my work. However I do have some of the best benefits that the company picks up a huge portion of. I have the family plan which costs me a mere $8 A week. Not many people working in the private sector have such affordable benefits.
Thirdly I am thankful for the few friends and employees I have who truly care about me. I choose not to have many friends and value quality over quantity. Because of this the friends I have are people that I can truly depend on. My employees respect me because I have worked hard to earn their respect. Many of them appreciate me as a person and not simply their boss.
Lastly I am thankful for my health. A recent visit to the doctor went well. I have some issues with a spine that is held together with titanium rods and screws but have no serious illness or disease I must content with. I am really thankful for that as I work with the public and see many issues that I am fortunate not to have.
So please try as I do on this wonderful day. Try to put the negative things aside for one day and focus on the things we have to be thankful for. I've found it to be very refreshing to my soul. I hope it is also for you.
Have a nice Thanksgiving
Peace Mike
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Lost and lonely
|
Posted:Nov 17, 2018 1:58 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2020 10:18 am
4068 Views
|
Where do I begin. This week has been an absolute disaster in almost every way. My work was one filled with technical difficulties that made my already stressful job even more stressful.
One of the things I do when I get a break from work is talk to a wonderful woman named Isabella. She is a ray of sunshine when things are stressing me out at work and helps me cope by providing encouraging words. On Tuesday I was talking to her and she was very upset. She would not tell me why she was upset but her feelings were palpable. I became concerned that maybe I was leaning on her too much so I told her I would leave her alone for a couple days and speak with her on Friday as I had the day off and could spend more time talking.
The week dragged on terribly. You see Isabella is not just a friend of mine but she is the woman I have fallen in love with over the last several months. To stay away from her was complete torture for me. I felt it was what I had to do because I did not want to smother her or push her away. I could not wait until Friday.
As Friday arrived I was excited. Finally I get to talk to my love and tell her how I struggled with giving her space. Finally I get to tell her once again how much I love and care for her. Friday came and it was wonderful. I told her about some of the things I had been thinking and how I began to devise a plan to possibly come and actually visit her at some point as she resides quite a distance from me. She was excited to hear this and very receptive. I was so happy!
There's something I must explain about myself. I am a very lonely guy. I choose to be lonely because I fear a traditional relationship and all the drama that comes with it. I spend my evenings talking to many different people here as I am alone and desire the conversation. I would love to talk only to Isabella but she is not available to talk to in the evening.
I'm a nice guy and care about all sorts of people and their situations. I'm not here to simply talk dirty and play games. I've had some great communication with many people and kept my loneliness at bay by doing so.
So anyway as Saturday morning came I checked in with my love Isabella. She was immediately stand offish. As we talked I discovered she was mad as hive of disturbed bees. It seems another woman I was talking too told her that she is stealing me from her.
I tried desperately to explain. Yes..I talked to her. Yes I am nice to her and care about her situation as I do many people. I went on to reassure Isabella..At no time did I ever tell this other woman I love her. As a matter of fact one of the things we talked about was Isabella. No one will steal me from you Isabella...I love only you!
She was having none of it. She didn't believe a word I said. She called me liar and said I was just like everyone else here. She ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. She cut me off so I could not say anymore. She didn't want to hear it. She refused to believe anything I said.
My chest swelled up and I cried. I tried to regain some composure and return to work. I did what I absolutely had to and went home. My employees knew there was something wrong but I refused to share anything with them.
As I sat alone at home I started to feel my emotions get the better of me. I found myself determined to think this through logically. Why would she not believe me whom she's known for months and take everything this other person said as the truth? Why is it ok that she talks to other men and I must believe that she has no feelings for them? It all seems a bit unfair.
Did she care about me the way I thought she did? Or was I just a fool. She must care as mad as she got. But then again, if she cared as much as she said then she would try harder to understand instead of simply telling me we are through.
It all makes me realize why I have avoided giving my heart to someone. It may even be all my fault but at the end of the day I just get hurt and find I hurt the one I love.
So I pick up the pieces again determined to never open up to someone again. I walk alone. Lost and lonely.
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Love bites.
|
Posted:Nov 4, 2018 5:25 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2019 8:16 am
4060 Views
|
I've found myself in a position I had no intention of being in. I have been avoiding a serious relationship for the last couple years for many reasons. Until recently I've had no issue with this. I've made many friends and had no problem maintaining a safe distance. I've had great fun and I've had some great experiences by having relationships of a purely physical nature. And all of the sudden I find myself here, in love with a beautiful wonderful woman.
It scares me to death. I purposely avoided such situations because I did not want the feelings of thinking of someone night and day. I did not want the feelings of worry that I may screw things up. I did not want to have to take someone else's feelings into consideration when doing whatever I want whenever I want. But here I am...feeling in such a way.
I suppose that's sort of how love works. Its not something that can just simply be avoided. Its a feeling that one does not ask for but developes on its own. Its a feeling that evolves with each hour of each day with no control. As I found myself with these feelings I wonder what I should do.
I guess I was crazy to think I could just avoid it. I mean does one truly avoid something that isn't something that one can see. How does one avoid a feeling that developes and evolves between two people. Without warning the feeling hits you and there is really very little that can be done about it.
For many reasons I find myself scared to death that I'm just going to end up hurt over all of this. The first and and most pertinent of these reasons is quite simple. She is half way around the world away from me. You see...we chat together here and things have developed from there. Being an average working man paying taxes leaves me no money to ever be able to travel to her country and possibly be with her. I barely make it as it is and simply don't have the means to travel. This is also a bit of a double edged sword as we are from totally different cultures. Not that a culture difference is impossible to overcome but it creates yet another barrier to overcome to actually be together.
Secondly she is some 22 years younger than me. I can't help but believe that I would not be able to keep a 20 something beautiful young woman happy. I mean at 48 I'm a decent looking guy in fairly good shape but time is not on my side. What would happen 5, 10, 15, 20, years from now. She would be a young and healthy woman and I would be an old man. She deserves to be with someone much closer to her age and there would come a time where I would be nothing more than a burden to her. That simply wouldn't be fair.
However rational my thoughts are on this situation I still can't shake this feeling.I can't help but want to talk with her constantly. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop dreaming of spending some time physically together with her. I almost wish I could just flip a switch and turn these feelings off. But it simply does not work this way.
One of the things I do miss is making love. I have plenty of sex but I've not made love to a woman in several years. As my feelings for this particular woman evolve I find myself missing this even more. I want so bad to touch her. Touch her backed up with LOVE. I want to kiss her lips and feel the warmth one feels when love is present. I want to look deep into her eyes and tell her I love her with every fiber of my being. And yet I cant and probably never will.
Love bites. Love bleeds. Its bringing me to my knees!
✌ Mike
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
My first dvp
|
Posted:Oct 21, 2018 8:09 am
Last Updated:Nov 5, 2018 4:54 pm
4139 Views
|
It's been a strange week for me. It all started out with my birthday being Monday. Just a typical day really. I worked 12 hours got home exhausted and went to sleep about 8:30 at night. When Tuesday rolled around I discovered that I had received a message from a dear friend of mine here. She sent me a picture of herself blowing out some candles on a cup cake. She was disappointed that I didn't get back to her Monday evening because she wanted to sing me happy birthday. I felt bad that I missed it but she understood.
My work week was scheduled a bit screwy this week. Because of certain events happening at work I had to take a Wednesday off. When Wednesday morning arrived I discovered I had two messages from people showing serious interest. As the day unfolded another serious prospect showed interest. I must admit that of the prospects, one was very intriguing. It was from someone I've been trying to talk to and hook up with for quite sometime. As I navigated the site all day I noticed that they were not on all day so they must have been working.
Although I wasn't able to connect with the person I truly wanted to I was able to make arrangements to meet with one of the other prospects of the day.
It was all set. After several texts back and forth the time and place was decided. Off I went. I stopped to get gas and checked the address again before making my way. Yes half way there and I get the message...nevermind! Blah blah blah some excuse about a roommate. Wtf I responded and headed back for home.
Nothing like the flake out when halfway there!!
I forgot to mention that while all this was going on I was in serious need to release a weeks worth of cum. Somehow I was able to stay off my cock for an entire week and frustration of being backed up was mounting. I hate to jerk off and waste it. Does nobody want this load building up? I stayed strong and reached out to prospect 3.
Of course this again was someone I've never hooked up with. They were my last prospect because their only interest was to blow me on cam. One of the things that interest me the least is the simple blow job. I find very few are actually any good at it although many claim they are. However I do enjoy being on cam. I love being filmed or performing live on cam so it seemed the trade off was worth a shot.
After much back and forth I finally nailed down a time and address. When I arrived we engaged in the typical introductory type conversation. Now, I don't know about anyone else but I like to get my cock out within five minutes or so. After all I'm there for a specific reason. After whipping it out and receding some decent head we made our way to the bedroom. After setting up the cam we went live and the blow job began. I was extremely disappointed. It did not feel very good. Teeth do not feel good on ones hard cock. Oh no I thought. This is the type of thing I generally avoid and now I remember why. But I had to get this cock off. It had been too long. I'm already here. The process has started. 26 people are watching on cam and enjoying this much more than me. I hate to disappoint. I'm going to get this thing off! We settled into a situation that might work. As I stroked my cock I allowed just the tip of my head to be mouthed. I summoned the courage. Finally I reached the point of no return. As I exploded every drop was swallowed. So much so that when my cock was finally released it was totally clean. Not one drop of cum remained. I was extremely disappointed. I just blew a weeks worth and didn't see a drop. At least when I blow those deep in a wet pussy my cock is covered in cum and the sheets are a mess. I will not make that mistake again. I went home and went to bed.
As Thursday arrived I received text messages from two different couples I've played with many times. This was exciting news. My regular couples know that I begin making plans for Saturday night on Thursday. To be fair to everyone I see the couple who is first to confirm a definite time and place.
Of the two couples inquiring I must admit that I was hoping one would come through over the other. I am an ass man and the one chick has got a fantastic ass. I love fucking her. I love how she takes it and keeps begging for more. She loves doggy and reverse cow girl and I get to see and feel up her hot ass while my cock pounds her in these positions. So needles to say I was pulling for them. As I texted the male half throughout the day we were able to nail down a time and place. During our conversations I mentioned that I've yet to experience a dp and would love to at some point. He came back with the fact that she loves dvp and it would be at the top of the list!!
As Saturday arrived the excitement was building. Other than the one shitty blow job I got on Wednesday my cock was untouched for over a week. A few text messages and the confirmation was made. We were definitely on!!
I arrived at the hotel about 5:00. Fortunately this couple likes to play early evenings which I also enjoy. Within a minute we were all naked which is another thing I really enjoy about these folks...absolutely no bullshit. We proceeded with the usual threesome activity for a good half hour or so. We all enjoyed ourselves very much. At this point she was on my cock facing me riding hard and fast the way she loves to take my cock. After a few minutes her husband came behind her and began to position himself and her to accept his cock as mine was burried deep. He slid it in and was sensational! She began to moan with pleasure. She really enjoyed it. You could tell it wasn't the least bit painful to her. As we both fucked her she went wild. Her moans and screams of pleasure were heard by many in the hotel I'm sure. We fucked her this way for several minutes as we all were enjoying it tremendously.
Finally husband decided he want to swap positions with me. As she got on him I just let the two of them fuck for a bit as I was playing with her tits and running my hands over her body. They were really enjoying each other and wanted them to have that moment. Finally I began to enter the fun. After a bit of fumbling to find just the right position my cock slid in on top of her husband's. Once again she went wild. As I figured out how to fuck her without my cock falling out she started to scream and moan with pleasure. It was fantastic. As we fucked her with both our cocks she began to climax. Her grip began to tighten to the point that both our cocks could not move as she clamped down and began to cum. Her moans of relief coupled with her pussy grip put me over the edge. I began to explode and moan with the same pleasure as her. As soon as I finished we could both feel her husband getting harder and harder. We continued to fuck for several more seconds until he reached oblivion.
As we all were satisfied she began to apologize for the chain reaction as she put it. We all laughed and felt there was no need for an apology. We were all satisfied beyond belief.
I can't wait until next time. I look forward to much more of this with these folks and the chance to develop and improve my technique.
Have a great day!
Peace Mike
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
A touch too much!!
|
Posted:Oct 13, 2018 5:11 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2020 10:20 am
3989 Views
|
She had the face of an Angel
Similing with sin
The body of Venus
With arms
Yes words written by the master of double entendre, Mr Bon Scott.
The fact is I'm writing this about a wonderful woman I call my Angel because I don't know her real name. She definitely has the face of an Angel smiling with sin. She's beautiful from head to toe, inside and out. As a matter of fact I'm not ashamed to say I love her.
It wasn't the first
Wasn't the last
She knew we was
Makin LOOOVVVE!!
I was so satisfied
Deep down inside
Like a hand in a velvet glooovve!!
This happens to be our song. It's our song because we make each other satisfied Deep down inside. We make love although we've never touched each other and probably never will.
It wasn't the first
Wasn't the worst
It wasn't that she didn't care
She wanted it hard
She wanted it fast
She liked it done MEDIUM RARE!!
Alas, but only in my dreams. Once again, I've never touched her and probably never will. But I'm in love? How's this our song if we've never touched? Which leads us to the chorus.
Seems like a touch
A touch too much
Seems like a touch
A touch too much
Too much for my body
Too much for my brain
This damn woman's gonna drive me insane!
She's got a TOUCH
A TOUCH TO MUCH!!
Yes the double meaning of Bon Scott's lyrics hit you. It's not that I'll make love to her and feel her actually physically touch me. But what we share together can definitely be described as a bit (Or "touch" if you will) too much. Somehow we share a love for each other. It's very real. We can both feel it. But she's halfway around the world. A different country.
We speak almost daily several times a day. We've gotten to know each other pretty well. I tell her how beautiful she is and she thinks I'm so sweet to her. Most of the guys she knows just treat her like a sex object. They don't take the time to get to know her. They just want to talk dirty to her. They want to make her do naughty things.
Yet somehow, some way we've found each other. We brighten each other's day with our words back and forth. We talk often about the warmth we both feel inside for each other. It can only be described as love. A feeling.
She's my Angel. Shes my everything. I don't know what I'd do without her in my life. And...She's a professional cam girl!
Now that my friends is what I call, A TOUCH TOO MUCH!!
Peace Mike
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Fakes,flakes,and everything else
|
Posted:Oct 10, 2018 3:02 pm
Last Updated:Nov 5, 2018 4:55 pm
4053 Views
|
As we weave our way through the Affairlook abyss many things become clear.
First there are the fakes. There seem to be several different types of fakes. The first is the actual fake fakes. I must say that overall I don't run across these too often but the fact is they do exist here. sure you have all got the messages. Are you into this are you into that...just email me at blah blah blah. I've also noticed these types giving a like to some of my pictures. I posted some awhile back and got excited at first because it had gotten 40 likes fairly quickly. But alas,upon further investigation I discovered that the majority of those were from fake profiles. Now how do I know they were fake? Well it's quite simple really. It seems nearly every super hot 20 something female with only one or two photos is almost always fake. I got three likes on one picture from three of these such profiles with the same profile picture. Hmm...three 22 year women in three different cities have the exact same picture. Interesting. And then there is the obvious...Like what would some super hot 20 something be interested in me for. I've found that most people here are middle aged or so and the younger generation uses different means to hook up.
And then there are the real fakes. These are the people who are actual human beings but have no intention of doing anything but toying with people. I actually drove twice to hook up with one chick only to be fooled with. Without getting into the details convinced that this particular person is actually a guy posing as a woman. I will say that when I arrived at our meeting place it was obvious by our communication that this person was watching me from somewhere. After some back and forth it became clear that this person was only interested in playing some sort of game. Another woman I've talked to from time to time is apparently on a quest to see how many friends she can acquire. She'll talk to you for a bit as if she is interested and then...nothing. She daily makes friends with 5 or so dudes. I don't know how many friends she's up to but it has to be some obscene number by now. Every time I see she's made another friend I think to myself...poor bastard.
And then there are the flakes. We've all encountered them. Now don't get me wrong. I've come to realize that hooking with someone for the first time does involve a lot of back and forth planning which sometimes takes awhile to iron out. But the flakes are the ones that constantly make definite arrangements to meet but back out at the last minute with regularity. Nothing makes me more pissed off. Mostly because I see several couples and at times I have to tell them busy with something else only to be stood up! I mean if you're not interested, shy, apprehensive, whatever just say so!
Oh well...rant over for today. I wish there was some kind of system to call out the fakes and flakes. Or maybe there is and I just haven't discovered it yet. Please have a nice night my fellow play seekers.
Peace Mike
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
It's been awhile
|
Posted:Oct 7, 2018 6:02 am
Last Updated:Nov 5, 2018 4:55 pm
4115 Views
|
Yes..That timeless classic written and performed by one of best artists of our time, Aaron Lewis, seemed like a fitting title.
I've not hooked up or posted anything for several weeks. As I sit here on a Sunday morning drinking coffee and reflecting on the last few weeks I figured it may be a good time to share some of my thoughts on my recent Affairlook experiences.
First I must say that I've pretty much given up on single women. I've hooked up with 3 different women here in the last year and without getting into details I'll just say that those were one time only affairs. I've no problem with such experiences other than the fact that ultimately I'd love to secure a friend's with benefits situation. Needless to say that hasn't happened.
Single women seem very elusive here. It seems every time I stumble on to what appears to be a very attractive woman I find that they themselves are looking for women. Swing and a miss. Then it seems that even if they are looking for men there is something else that doesn't line up...namely they are looking for love or their soulmate. Um that would be strike 2. Now...don't get me wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with that sort of thing it's just not for me at this point in my life. Which leads us to strike 3. This would be the profile that seems perfectly aligned with my desires. So I message. Nothing. So I message again. Nothing. So now I wonder, is it me or the less than stellar messaging system? Hmmm should I try again? Can I not take a hint? Or is it that the message never got there. I'm not sure but either way it all leads to nothing.
Now ladies, please do us guys a favor. A simple reply of Not Interested will go a long way. I hear from many women that they are swamped with messages. Perhaps politely telling us to fuck off will at least weed out some. Now I know there are still those that won't let up but just block them and move on.
Secondly it seems impossible for me to find a guy to play with on occasion. I must admit this is partially my fault. I am very picky about the sort of man I find attractive. And then I have to sift through all the married fellas who just want to meet somewhere and blow me. Once again, nothing wrong with that sort of thing it's just not my interest. And then there are the guys who think you can just hook up within the next couple hours. Wow...it's hard enough for me to make plans and arrangements let alone hook up that soon. It just don't happen that way for me.
With all that being said I'm fortunate to have both a woman and a man I can hook up quite regularly. Strange thing is I met neither of them here which has me rethinking my membership renewal. Although I have them at my disposal I still seek more options.
First there's Stacey. She's a nice girl, cool chick, and we get along well. She's about 5'2 115 and really cute. She's in and out of the house all the time. She'll stay here for several days at a time and keeps clothes here. She sees other guys and could care less that I see others also. It really would be the perfect arrangement but for 2 things. First..She always costs me money. Pick me up a pack of smokes on your way home babe. Can you give me a ride here. Got anything to eat or drink? I mean I can barely afford myself. Secondly the sex is less than my expectations. She don't like to be eaten which is something I really enjoy. She loves my cock but demands I talk dirty during our sessions. Talking dirty is not my strong suit. I mean...how many things can one really say. I find myself repeating the same shit over and over which doesn't seem hot at all. Luckily she gets off easily so I end up just blowing my load and being done with the whole thing so I don't have to say anymore. I will say she likes to suck all of our cum off my cock when we finish which I find very hot so at the end of the day...I keep her around lol.
And then there's Josh. Yes Josh. Josh is my boy. I'm his daddy. Josh is without a doubt the best bottom boy in town. His ass is sensational. He regularly trains his asshole with various items. Last time we met he was watching a video on training his ass and using a cucumber...Yes a cucumber. He has done his homework. When we meet he has prepared himself to my liking. His ass is completely douched and clean. Josh has the type of body I like...slim and not hairy. He's 29 and hot as he'll. Every time we meet and play we both have a great time. So now you must be wondering where's the rub? Well the problem with Josh is twofold. First...being a bi sexual man such as myself is sort of complicated. I love pussy first and foremost. I'm, pretty much take pussy anytime I can get get it. But when it comes to men well...I have to be in a certain mood. The mood usually strikes when I haven't had any pussy for awhile and I find myself saying fuck it, I don't want to just jerk off so I guess I'll find a man. Secondly neither of us can host much. I live with my two sons 18 and 21. While I can bring a woman home at anytime I don't need them knowing that I like to embrace my bi side from time to time. Josh has a girlfriend and roommates. So if we meet his girlfriend must be gone and I have to sneak in his window! So you see hooking up with Josh does not happen often.
Which all leaves me with the never ending search here on Affairlook. I've had plenty of success with couples and I've found that I prefer such experiences. Problem is same as everything else...lining up schedules and who can host as we all have .
So all of these things have left me with the feeling of it's been awhile. Other than fucking Stacey a few times and a lot of jerking off frustration is setting in. I hope you all have done better than me the last few weeks.
Peace,
Mike
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Help me please
|
Posted:Sep 20, 2018 2:03 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2019 8:18 am
3957 Views
|
In my quest to continually meet new people I've posted a couple videos of myself jerking off. I feel that video can provide people with another tool to decide if someone may be worthy of persueing. I think pictures can be quite deceiving. Just the right angle, or showing just enough of things can be manipulated to the point that the real thing just doesn't add up.
That being said I would acknowledge that videos can be manipulated just as well. However I feel that a well done video can portray oneself in such a way that the viewer gets a much better idea of what one is actually like.
So...why do I need help? First I would ask that those who have video of me please send me some clips I can post. There are several couples I've been with who have video of me in action. I've asked several times to get some footage to post to no avail.
Now I must say I understand this to a degree. Discretion is important to all those I've played with and there are certain things that people do not want the public to see. However...I also feel that as I had no problem with being recorded that I should be afforded something in return. Since you have the video you can choose to send me clips that show no indication of your true identity. I understand remaining anonymous. But I've asked for your help several times only to be less than successful. Anyone with any suggestions on how to persuade people to share video of myself please advise.
Secondly I ask for help in answering the next question which is...how many videos of oneself jerking off should one post? Since no one seems willing to share the video of our encounters the only option I have is to take more of myself jerking off. At some point it just seems redundant. Please share your thoughts.
I will say that one of my videos was done as a request of a friend. She asked that I say certain things and make one especially for her which I did. This did add an extra layer of excitement to the masturbation.
So please people help me. What are your thoughts? Please view and comment on any of my pictures and video. Please help me decide if I should post different things. And please feel free to make any special requests.
✌ Mike
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Couples anyone??
|
Posted:Sep 19, 2018 2:21 pm
Last Updated:Apr 7, 2019 10:40 am
3850 Views
|
For the first six months on Affairlook I looked exclusively for single women. One of the first things I noticed was that there seemed to be very few local women looking for the type of fwb situation I was searching for. I tried in earnest to find a woman who was not interested in anything more than sex.
At first I discovered that very few women would respond if at all.Hi I'm Mike...nothing. Hello...nothing. Hmm I wondered what the check am I doing wrong? One woman in particular did respond and we started to establish a decent amount of communication. Then all of the sudden nothing. Hello? Hi? Are you there? Gee whizz I wondered what I did wrong.
As I learned how to navigate around the site I discovered that I was able to see my friends activities. This particular woman was making friends with dozens of men daily. I noticed she had a huge number of friends. I quikly started to realize that this woman had no intention of getting to know me. It seemed as though she was in some sort of competition to see how many friends any one person could amass. I shot her a message...I give up. Almost immediately she responded. Quite strange I thought as the several previous messages I sent were apparently ignored. She made this excuse and that excuse and explained she was still interested in me.
The next week my messages once again were being ignored. Once again I noticed she continued to amass many friends daily. I'm such a fool I thought. This woman wants nothing to do with me. Her only concern was obviously the amount of friends she could accumulate. So...I really did give up.
While all this was going on a man ill call "John" had reached out to me. John was the male half of a couple looking for men to play with. I really wasn't sure what to think. We talked about different things that John and his wife were interested in. I found Johns wife attractive enough to consider so our conversations continued. As we talked almost daily we began to become friends.
After a couple weeks John extended an invitation to meet he and his wife at a local hotel. I figured what the hell I've really got nothing to lose here so I agreed to meet them.
As the day of our first meeting arrived John was sending sexy pictures of his wife in different sexy outfits. After decididing which outfit I would like to see her in the time and place was set. "You're really coming right" John asked." You will be here?" He asked again. I kept saying yes but he kept needing reassured.
As the time approached I became a bit nervous. I had no idea what to expect. I've never done anything like this before. I found myself beginning to waffle. Maybe I shouldn't do this I thought. I had a beer. Ok...I feel a bit better. So another beer. Ok I think I have the courage now. I got in my vehicle and made it to the hotel right on time.
On the way there all kinds of thoughts went through my head. What if they aren't there? What if I don't really dig his wife? What if I can't really perform? What if it's really just someone who wants to rob me? The suspense was driving me crazy. I've got to find out I thought. I summoned the courage, left my wallet in my car and went to the room.
John opened the door..."what's up man". Around the corner on the bed his wife waited, dressed as we decided. When we saw each other I could see that there was a huge look of relief on her face. She liked what she saw. "We really didn't think you'd show" John said. It was at that moment that I realized they had suffered from the same anxieties as me. After some very brief chatting it was decided that they were dying to see what was bulging beneath my shorts. I removed my shorts and was rock hard. Johns wife began sucking my duck and we were off.
I don't know what came over me but I was on fire. As we went at it missionary John got the phone recording. She was loving it and by her moans I could tell she was getting close. Cum on my Cock I told her as the moans got louder. I get feel her grip tightening and soon reached climax. Her pussy was now soaking wet. I kept Fucking her. It felt so good. Eventually I rolled her over and Fucked her hard doggystyle until I finally exploded deep inside her. As I got off the bed and sat in the chair catching my breath it was now Johns turn. I watched John fuck her doggy for about 3 minutes and it was all over with. Now I know why they needed me. John was a nice guy, decently endowed, but was unable to provide his wife with the stamina she required.
I began to believe that this was true love. I wondered how anyone can allow another man to fuck his wife but I now knew why this particular couple did this. John loved his wife so much and understood his deficiencies were not pleasing his wife. On the other hand she loved him enough to communicate this to him and not run around behind his back. They have I truly special relationship and I respected them so much for that.
Since our initial meeting we have played several times. I discovered that I very much enjoy playing with couples and have gained the trust of several different couples that I now enjoy on a regular basis. Each couple has a different reason they play with me but we are all very happy.
I realized that for me this was the best thing for me right now. I was able to have no strings sex with women and avoid the traditional relationship I fear. I've also made many different friends and learned a deep respect for love they share for each other. I'm so glad to be a part of their lives help them.
✌ Mike
|
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (Mikemike107015) use [blog Mikemike107015] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
81
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
Most Recent Comments by Others
| Help me decide (6) | BellaGuido1956
Jan 17, 2021 7:04 pm |
| When it rains it pours (7) | Wannawatchu62
Jul 6, 2020 6:20 pm |
| Perfecting the O (2) | nicksnocn2
Apr 19, 2020 1:57 pm |
| Score!! (4) | cary76
Jan 27, 2020 1:36 am |
| Round 3 with TAS (2) | tightsmoothfuck
Jan 22, 2020 5:37 am |
| Another Thanksgiving without Mom (7) | pagancountrygirl
Nov 28, 2019 11:29 am |
| The Dating Game (8) | seems6666
Oct 23, 2019 8:06 am |
| BBC?? (4) | 1seeking1
Jul 22, 2019 2:27 pm |
| I'm afraid I may never FEEL again (7) | jajo696
Jul 14, 2019 12:09 pm |
| The last few months have been a wild ride! (2) | Leegs2012
Jul 7, 2019 9:08 am |
| B and C cum through again (2) | hrnybkr
Apr 7, 2019 7:31 am |
|
