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| Blogs > wickedeasy > wicked and that ain't so easy |
it isn't you, it's me
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it isn't you, it's me there's a lot to be said for feeling desired. but when zztodd asked who'd you'd want to be making love with at the moment the world stopped, it gave me pause. i don't know that i'd want to be having sex at that moment. there are people i'd want around me and none of them are people i have sex with. i think my lover would also choose his family. which means at moments of crisis we choose those who make us feel connected in a different way, a stronger and more intense way...a deep abiding love may never include sex and sex may never mean safety and warmth and the simple trust of friendship. having said that.... i have been in love with a man for nearly 40 years. we've had three rounds of being lovers...once when i was 21-23, again at 26 for less than a year and the third time started about 9 years ago and which seems to be ending now. sexually, we are amazing. no, really. at 21, he brought me back from an angry sexual life centered around power and pain due to my . the second time, it was simply that we saw each other at a pain store and sparks flew. the third time had a more cautious beginning. we were both free from relationships and had that were post teens. he had suffered a breakdown when his brother committed suicide about 15 years ago and i had been there for that but without any entanglement other than compassion. for 7 years, we lusted for each other and rarely did anything but make love. that, i think, was our downfall. to last, a relationship has to be grounded in dailiness and details and all the stuff of life, no? and now, the winding down of our third time together is just about killing me. i love him, am in love with him. still, i can see what will happen if i stay. i do not want to be drawn into his pathology any further. i want to be able to love wholly and revel in it. i want him, but not him as he is. and i am way too old to think i can change someone's basic nature. i do not want to be his friend. or see him occasionally. i can't imagine why i would seek out that kind of pain. and yet there is a part of me that wants him to drive his ass over here, pound on my door and take me. tell me that there is no life without me in it. HA..........silly me. i'm glad for the spring and the soft air, they stir me and keep me moving forward. what would you do at 60, take what you can get, or wait for the whole enchilada? yeah, me too. You cannot conceive the many without the one. |
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WE, WOW... Wow.... I understand the depth of your loss. It's happened to me, too -just the other way 'round. (The emotional 'knife' cuts both ways.) They say that time heals all wounds, and I 'spose it's true -but there ARE people that you just can't/don't forget -for whatever reason. I've been 'single again' for over 20 years, have known several nice ladies over the years, would have even married a couple of 'em, but I'm still single. And I'm gonna wait. Like you, I want it ALL. I'm doing what I can to build myself a GOOD, RICH, life, and if there's a nice lady who wants to be a part of it, fine. If not, I'll still have had a good live at the end of my days. I wish you peace. And happiness. And wholeness. And LOVE. LOTS of love.
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"i want to be able to love wholly and revel in it." You can change one tiny letter in the middle of the statement above, and still get an answer...
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This diseased world is gonna stop?  Solar...
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I'm sorry - I do know about having that feeling that there's no more time to waste to find the real deal, the whole enchilada. But, I'm trying to make sure that my time isn't wasted, in the meantime. Sigh.  
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*hugs*
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Yet, hasn't your relationship lasted, after a fashion? Hugs to you. Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale Her infinite variety. Other women cloy The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry Where most she satisfies. For vilest things Become themselves in her, that the holy priests Bless her when she is riggish. ~~ from Antony & Cleopatra
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4/3/2010 6:49 pm |
Hi Oui....Going strictly on my own experience, I think we must be able to compromise some things and must not compromise others. That list is personal. (Maybe there's a convergence?) Mine took quite a while to figure out. From what I've read here I think you are wanting intimacy - a touch, a talk, simple /complex deep time together, caring, supporting, remembering, discussing, arguing, sharing and all the give and take of a deep relationship, gaining trust, strength and courage from the other and your self to open completely, which for me, is freedom, Nirvana, your once described "blue field." It took me 13 years of hell to realize I can't change someone. Hurt for a long time, still feel it on a bad night, but I can tell you that those bad ones occur less as time allows understanding to do its thing. Anyhow, you seem to be acknowledging your wants/needs and standing up for them, for yourself. BRAVO! Now you can find what you want/need and I believe you will. Tender hug from your fello' cello ...Pan
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I know that feeling and it's the pits until you realize that you have no reign over the conclusion and that you cannot open eyes. I am sort of remind of some line from Grace Slick"Don't ever change people Even if you can You are your own best toy to play with Remote control hands Made for each other Made in Japan Woman with a greasy Heart automatic man Don't ever change people Your face will hit the fan" And I picked myself up off the sand and I have gone on (Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group
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