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| Blogs > Mikemike107015 > Thoughts deep and shallow |
I'm afraid I may never FEEL again
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I'm afraid I may never FEEL again Well it seems I've come to a fork in the road. With a knife and the breeze my back. No way to move forward. Really no way to turn back! Once again I've lifted the lyrics of Aaron Lewis. So many seem to hit home with me. Anyway I've found myself a bit worried about something. It seems as though I have become a very cold person. For some reason I've had a very hard time having any sort of real feelings for anyone. Some of this stems from my job. I have 19 employees ranging in age from early 20s to early 30s. Most of them are women. Over the years I have discovered as their boss, their problems become my problems. It becomes my problem not only because it leads to absenteeism but they also have come to expect me to be a bit of a counselor and offer them advice and direction. When I was a younger man I didn't have much issue with this. It made me feel good people were comfortable with me enough to be their confidante. I never judged people and tried my best to guide them and let them make their own decisions. Unfortunately after doing this for some 28 years I've discovered I am a point where I have zero sympathy for anyone. I've lost sympathy over the years for two main reasons. Number one is the fact most of these peoples issues are self inflicted. Number 2 is although many seek my advice, they seem to not need it and wind no better off. So... the end of the day I've found although I very much feel empathy for these people, I just don't feel the least bit of sympathy. It's come to the point where I have directed my Assistant to find me some sort of sympathy training. I don't like I've reached the point where I just don't care. All in all this is certainly not the thing scares me the most. I've also discovered I'm not having any kind of warm feelings with the people I know on a personal physical level. I've been separated from my wife of 24 years for about 2 and a half years. At first I had built sort of a wall around myself. It was a bit of a defense mechanism to ensure I would not be hurt. While I dated I even made sure to tell people front I am only interested in casual relationships at this time because I'm simply not ready for anything serious. Along the way I had to stop seeing three different people. Two of them had become much too close to me and I had to break it off before they got any closer and got hurt. There was one woman I also stopped seeing because I could feel it was me who was becoming too close. All of this was hard to do but I felt necessary. I truly believed I was not ready to be committed to one person and didn't want anyone feeling a bunch of hurt the end. This was also very hard to do because I've always been the type to follow my heart and had to teach myself to follow my head. So...while all of this was happening I found myself somehow in love with a woman here. It was really strange. I never met this woman but talked to each other extensively for about a year. Over period of time real feelings developed beyond my control. As much as I didn't want to feel the way I did I just couldn't help it and I couldn't turn away. It all just felt so good, so right. A few months back things went bad for us. She had become jealous about something really silly. Although I tried to assure her there was nothing to be jealous of she was having none of it. She became very cold and very ignorant towards me. It hurt so much first. But now several months after dealing with her coldness it seems too am now very very cold. I realized this just last night. I've been seeing this woman for a couple months. hit it off sexually and have enjoyed many dates since first meeting. Last night agreed I would stay over night. Not only do I like sex but I also enjoy being held, and feeling a woman's touch. thought it would be nice to be able to sleep together and hold one another all night instead our usual hook routine. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to spend the night with her. However as I laid there all night I discovered I didn't have any feelings for her whatsoever. Although I don't want something serious I also don't want to feel absolutely nothing. I began to think of some of the other women I see. As hard as I tried I could not find any sort of deep feelings for any of them! And so, here I am. I'm quite scared I have developed into someone incapable of feeling. I've come to fork in the road and I'm afraid the knife in my back is going have me cold for a very long time. I only hope it isn't forever!! ✌ Mike |
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Love and peace to all.
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If you were really cold, you wouldn't care or worry about being cold. Just my take. It can take a long time for a deep hurt to heal. Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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I've been on my own for about 5 years, I used to meet off here, but became very disillusioned with men, I now believe that I don't feel empathy with anyone. This is strange for me, because I am normally a caring person, but mostly I couldn't give a crap about anyone at the moment, and find it hard to believe what anyone says. Maybe you "fell in love" with this woman on here on a psychological level, you never met, so you fell in love with the idea or the ideal. The other woman satisfied your sexual needs but did not satisfy your emotional needs, ie the need for a hug and closeness, and maybe mental stimulation. As for working with women for 28 years, you deserve a medal of the highest order Sir! I've only worked with women for a matter of months and that was more than enough for me 
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Do you have parents, siblings , children any close friends that have become family like, a pet etc? IF you have any feelings for them, you havent lost the ability to feel. We , as humans have the capacity to hold many diff emotions and use them as we see fit, whichever fits our persona. In terms of an emotional/ physical connect...they are very different....and i would maintain that you havent met the right person to fit the bill. The year long phone person was perfect because she posed no threat to your idea of " nothing serious ". The physical person met a cursory physical need....and thats it. Some people are able to separate the two..others cant. Seems like your mind may be open....and your heart just isnt there yet....it is still in the protective mode. It all takes time to come together . Good Luck ~~
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