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BDSM
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BDSM Many involved in the BDSM lifestyle have been introduced to it through the Internet and online chat rooms. Online can be very intense and very special. It can also lead to great harm to many, just as real-time relationships can be quite intense and special and for others just as harmful. The possible harm in the online world is mainly emotional harm, though physical harm can happen when a submissive follows directions from one who claims to be a Dominant who is either uneducated or not a Dominant at all, but a player. What I wish to speak of now is emotional harm. Where most physical harm will heal, emotional harm can last a lifetime. I have seen so very often where a submissive is harmed because he/she gives all their trust to one not worthy of it. Submissive’s have several desires, desire to please, desire to be owned, a desire to be loved, and a desire to be treasured. These desires can leave a submissive quite open to being harmed emotionally. These desires are very intense, but they are very much a part of them. And it is important that a submissive understands these needs and how to have them met properly. For an abuser, it is easy for them to become prey, if the submissive does not understand. An abuser takes these desires and carefully uses them to harm another. So please understand yourself, understand your needs, and understand that with patience, you will find what it is you seek and your desires will be met. Abusers use these needs to trap a submissive. They are very careful they know how to manipulate the desires of another. They act as though they desire them, make them feel as though they are loved, but the one who is being targeted knows in their heart the relationship is not a good one. What the abuser has done is draw the one so deeply in, they feel they cannot back away. Even though they know it is a bad relationship, the abuser meets just enough needs to entwine them. The abuser makes them feel as if they are the one who is at fault for any problems in the relationship and in doing this the abuser sucks the life from them, but does not allow them to be free. Often it is said when online the "Off" button is a safety measure and that can work for a time but once one is drawn in deeply by the manipulations of an abuser it is hard to hit that button but you can be free of abuse. I am going to express things one should watch for and consider. If these things are occurring please seriously consider what is going on with your relationship. 1. Isolation - Are you regularly kept from talking to others, in a chat room or any other venue? Are you not allowed to have input from others? Are you with no real cause not allowed to talk to others who were your friends? Temporary separation from others does happen but it is only for a limited time and only to give a submissive time to consider things and learn. But it is important to consider, is this one who claims to be a Dominant so insecure about them self and your relationship they cannot allow you to talk to others? A true Dominant is not insecure and will not keep you from openly talking with others so that you also are secure in yourself and the relationship you are building with Him/Her. 2. Belittlement - Do you feel as if you are put down? Do you feel like less of a person than you did before you met this person? Do your insecurities grow as you have gotten more involved with this person? True Dominant’s desire to build up and help to make others the best they can be. If it is the one they claim as their own that desire is even more intense. To a true Dominant this possession is a treasure and will be treated with great care and love. 3. Terror - Are you afraid to speak openly to the one who claims to be a Dominant? Are you afraid that your words will not be respected? Afraid you will be screamed at or made to feel guilty for expressing yourself? A true Dominant will not do that. You should feel and you need to know you have a right to express your concerns and they will be listened to. A true Dominant will listen to you and allow you to express yourself and then the Dominant will talk with you. Does this mean the Dominant's view is right or yours? No, but a true Dominant will respect you, just as you respect that Dominant. 4. Lack of trust - Do you feel a lack of trust for the one claiming to be a Dominant? Are there many questions in your mind and heart which cannot be answered? In any relationship questions do arise especially as two begin to learn of each other. But are you not allowed to discuss them? Or is the answer if you do raise a question from the other is a question, "Why do you doubt me?" A true Dominant will desire to build your trust and security. As I said in any relationship questions arise a true Dominant understands this and will allow you to express yourself. The Dominant's desire is that you have absolute peace and trust first in yourself and then in the relationship you both are building and living. -as soon as your Dominant comes online you should greet them immediately if not go to them. -always use the title to refer to your Dominant that they have set (Master, Mistress, etc.). This includes when not in the presence of them. For example if you are in conversation about your Master, you refer to them as such. Do not be ashamed of your role as a submissive. -always follow your Dominants rules you will be much happier that way unless you like to push for the punishment factor. -you are always in submission to your Dominant whether they are present or not. How you act will directly reflect to your Dominant so act accordingly. -always wear your collar that has been given to you. It signifies ownership and your devotion to your Dominant. -Communication is the key I cannot stress this enough. You have to be able to communicate your needs, fears, limits, etc. in order to have a fulfilling relationship. -always be honest with your Dominant, there is nothing worse than head games -always be respectful when talking to others you never know who you are talking to and it can and will reflect badly on your Dominant. -a huge pet peeve is when your Dominant enters or leaves you are to acknowledge them. -do not refer to others as Master or Mistress unless it is ok by your Dominant. Each Dominant will have their set of rules for you to obey this is just the basic policy used and seems to be very successful. Acceptance: This is the ability to see and accept your self for whom and what you are be they your good points or your bad ones. This includes knowing your limitations yet keeping the thought that things can change and knowing you will change as well. This is the ability to let yourself be who you are to take pride and pleasure in the person you are and not lose that acceptance because someone said you are not what you know you are. Communication: This is the ability to talk openly and honestly about what is in your heart and mind, your opinions and beliefs, your needs verses your wants, your responses or reactions, basically to be able to talk about everything. This ability also calls into play the honesty of the submissive and the Dominant. Once open communication has been established it should remain that way and will do so provided the submissive does not stop communicating honestly. To not communicate is to endanger your self physically and emotionally. Communication need not always be verbal. Just so long as what you need to say to your partner gets said to them, then the lines of communication stay open. For example, you may find a particular topic easier to write about in your<b> journal </font></b>and thus tell your partner that way. This is still communicating. Courtesy: This one is fairly self explanatory but many people have asked me for specifics on courtesy. Since the specifics of this one vary with each relationship I will only address general manners. It is the ability to show proper courtesy by using please and thank you addressing people with general respect and courtesy. Grace: This is another whose specifics varies with each relationship, but is basically the ability to not appear stilted or halting in your movements. I'm not sure this one is of major importance to many people but has come up frequently. Of course this may be affected by physical limitations that will reduce its importance. Growth: The ability to grow within your self look for and attain new goals. Be these mental, emotional or physical goals. The ability to continue to grow and sharpen your abilities is very important as it prevents the relationship from stagnating and helps you to grow as a submissive and thus discover new ways to please or serve your Dominant. Honesty: Personally I feel this shouldn't need to be said but there are far too many people who lack honesty so it has to be said. Honesty is the ability to speak up, be open and truthful about what you say. Don't hide your emotions, fears, limits, fantasies, ideas and thoughts. Don't tell the Dominant what you think he/she wants to hear. A successful submissive is an honest person, one who does not lie, deceive, or intentionally manipulate. Honesty builds trust. Trust is the basis of a relationship. To lie breaks down the trust and therefore the relationship by removing its very foundation. Humility: This is basically the ability to see that you can be fallible. A successful submissive knows they will make mistakes and that they are not perfect. A successful submissive admits his/her mistakes and strives to correct them. Creating an attitude of being better than anyone else is not a desired trait. Having a sense of pride is good but humility is necessary to prevent one from being arrogant. Intelligence: By intelligence I don't mean book smart, the ability to do long involved mathematical equations. As it applies to a successful submissive, intelligence is the ability to think for them selves. The ability to make informed decisions about whom to submit to and just how far submission goes. The ability to take the time to learn their partner outside the roles of Dominant and submissive, to learn them as the person they are, their likes and dislikes. The ability to learn what pleases their Dominant and remembers those things. Loyalty: This is a very important trait in a submissive. It is the ability to uphold your Dominants rules over anyone else. A successful submissive will not act in a manner that will raise doubts about his/her commitment to their Dominant. It is upholding your end of the agreement made with your partner to the best of your abilities. This can also mean standing by your partner when difficulties arise. This tends to come hand in hand with commitment and both are necessary for a long term relationship to survive. Obedience: This is exactly what is in everyday life, the ability to do what you are told. Within a power exchange relationship this means willingly following the terms of your Dominant and doing what you are told. Willing obedience is pleasing to the submissive as well as the Dominant. This can directly relate to the person's submissiveness. A submissive does not obey because they fear their Dominant they obey because they have an intense need to please the Dominant. This does not mean blind obedience (never question anything). Specifics regarding obedience do vary with each relationship, but obeying ones Dominant is part of a power exchange relationship and is expected. Open Mind: This is the ability to view things with as little preset prejudice as possible. To maintain the ability to learn new things and be open to trying something new or different. It directly compliments Growth. Patience: That is the ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating. This does not mean to push your most urgent needs aside, but to learn the difference between what the necessity is and what is not and to convey these things to the Dominant. Pride: This does not mean be arrogant, just the knowledge of your ability. Having a sense of pride in your abilities shows that you have a healthy sense of self esteem and your whole identity does not rely on another's point of view. A good submissive values them selves and respects their own limits. A solid sense of self esteem is a necessity for a submissive or they can become co-dependent upon the Dominant, relying on the Dominant for their own mental picture of themselves. Humility is part of this as well. Respect: The ability to show respect through one's tone of voice, manners and general attitude. A submissive must respect their Dominant and be respectful to others. This goes along with manners. Showing respect to one's Dominant should be at all times, and not just when the submissive feels like it. Yes, we have arguments in these relationships, but a submissive should strive to maintain a respectful demeanor even during such times. Service: Willingly completing tasks (sexual or otherwise) set for you by your Dominant. As well as to apply your observations to the things you do to please your Dominant. Service usually points to those things outside of sexual ones and play sessions. Such things as housework, cooking, and other things designed to make the home of the Dominant more pleasing to him/her. Service can include tasks set for you by the Dominant which do not fall under household chores. Perhaps the household budgeting is one task the Dominant sets upon you, cooking his/her favorite meal, and many other things can be service. Basically anything done with the direct intent to please the Dominant in some manner can be seen as service. Submissiveness: This can be taught or an inherent personality trait. This is the need to please others and by doing so pleasing yourself. As well it is the ability to give in to another's control and feel content doing so. Submissiveness as a learned behavior does occur in BDSM relationships. This usually happens as the submissive gains experience and thus grows in their submission. However if a person has to learn to submit against their natural inclinations, then submission is probably not for them. Trust: A submissive must be able to trust their self, the choices they make and be able to trust others. An overly wary or closed submissive, will have a more difficult time attaining a good relationship with a Dominant. Being able to trust your instincts is necessary for a submissive, especially when looking for a Dominant because your instincts will often tell you if something is not right. Listen to them because to ignore them can be dangerous.  |
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