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This joke's on you! Edition
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This joke's on you! Edition The conditions must be within certain parameters. I need to feel warm, but not so much that I sweat. I must be laying down in a comfortable position. For some reason, it also helps if I gently wiggle my toes. I close my eyes, concentrate my attention on the center of my forehead from within. The world goes quiet, I have a sense of floating in liquid, and eventually, I sense something moving gently toward my face, and touching it. I believe... It's a memory from the womb. ________________________________________ So here we are, my trusty minion horde, thrust headlong into another Tuesday. That day of the week which holds no specific value as far as days go. We're trapped between the dreaded Monday, and the hopeful promise of Hump Day. It sounds like the perfect day for the burrow to engage in completely random acts of scatterbrained goodness. How many jokes have you minions heard in your lives? If you're anything like The Beast, I'm betting it's a large number. There are a couple of things I dislike about jokes. 1) I can rarely remember more than two good jokes at any given time even though I've heard, or read, thousands in my 40 years of life. 2) I've never made a joke up, and then later had somebody else attempt to tell it to me at a gathering. I always wonder who makes jokes up. They just appear one day, as if they seep up through the very bedrock of society. I know that stand-up comedians make up their jokes, or have a team of writers do it for them once they make it to the big time. Those aren't the jokes I'm talking about though. That's "Material", and usually can't be used by somebody else as a stand-alone joke. I'm talking about the jokes that begin like, "A farmer, a dentist, and a cheerleader are standing in a field one day when an airliner crashes nearby..." Who makes up those types of jokes, and then how do they make it out into the world so that every party from Maine to California has at least one person sharing the joke? It's a mystery to me. My friends and I used to buy copies of the "Truly Tasteless Joke Book" editions. That was one method of interstate joke migration. Jokes were collected into a single volume, and sold at bookstores nationwide, ensuring Tom in Michigan, and Jose in Texas, both knew the one about the man going into the bar with his pet alligator. As I wrote this, something amazing happened! I thought up a new, original joke. Well... At least I've never heard something similar before. It's a short one, and probably doesn't warrant much more than a quick chuckle, but what do you expect for my first attempt? Here it is. What do you call a pair of extremely funny nipples? .... Hilareolas!  Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! OK... So maybe making up funny, original jokes isn't The Beast's forte. (Pronounced FORT for those minions who have paid attention to The Beast's earlier teachings.) I have a few other talents to fall back on I suppose. Who wants to be a stand-up comedian anyway? All of that traveling from town to town, people wanting to party with you, women wanting to fuck you. It sounds rather unpleasant if you ask me. (Psssst, KarlBloggerfeld. Can we be stand-up comedians if the whole co-vice president thing doesn't work out for us?) ________________________________________ It seems Tuesday hasn't turned out quite as random as I had originally thought it would. Once I start on the subject of jokes, I seem to be able to ramble on a bit. BEAST OUT Bonus Material! Increase your joke portfolio by a factor of one Randomly Borrowed from the Internet Joke Program. Today's Joke: Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK." says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next Nun admits that, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK." says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!" |
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i too was a fan of the truly tasteless joke books. however i can usually have about seven or eight jokes in my head.
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whose nipples are those??? 
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Memory from the womb...sounds like such a lovely feeling. When I was really active in my Yoga practice, I had such moments of utter relaxation that I felt myself floating. I need to get back to that. Jokes...I have one standby joke, it's the only one I can always remember the whole thing without fucking up the punchline. Ask me sometime and I'll tell you.  Generally I totally suck at joke telling. (though with enough vodka in me, I'll attempt all kinds of jokes...)  I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn
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I think your made-up joke is actually pretty good!  
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"am i missing one???" heck yah...i am missing threeeeeee...if you found 'em, please return 'em to meeeee...
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Good joke!  A única alegria isenta de amargura é a de bem proceder.
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