Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > gottaring > Out of the Mouth of a Babe... |
Can We Talk?
|
Can We Talk? I know I promised an in-depth recount of the weekends adventures, but I have something on my mind. You guys have always offered me much-needed (and always appreciated) clarity, so here goes... A few weeks ago, I asked if needing attention was necessarily a bad thing. I think I need to delve into that a bit more. I'm having trouble discerning whether it's attention that I seek, or equality and reciprocity. I'm a giver. When I'm in a relationship, I like to GIVE. My heart, my humor, my consideration...everything. Even with friends. Especially with friends. But I'm finding that my affection is not being returned in kind and it bothers me. One might say, 'Well, Gottaring, you should really accept people for what they CAN give instead of condemning them for not rising to your expectations!'. And you'd be correct. One might also say, 'It's up to you to demand what you feel you deserve and to only surround yourself with those who can rise to the challenge willingly.' And you'd be right as well. But what if the person I cherish, the one I want to be around, simply isn't up to the task? Am I referring to my husband? Not necessarily, though I think some of my frustration with this issue stems from his ambivalence. If he were providing what I needed, I wouldn't have to look elsewhere and be let down by others, right? But that's a different story. He's not going anywhere and I've come to terms with what we DO have. So why am I blaming others for not picking up his slack? It's not their duty. Except that in the case of my Hall Pass, it emphatically IS their duty. And I'm having a hard time finding the right match in that arena. Sure, there are men here who would fawn all over me and offer to fill my needs, but that's not who I want. Huh. Oh shit. I dun did it now. I DON'T want the men who can give me what I want, and I DO want the one who can't. I am Woman. Hear me roar (and then back away slowly), lol. I'm sabotaging myself again, aren't I? Sigh. Thoughts? Musings? Ridicule? Bring it. I'm ready. When it comes to sex, I need a STRONG connection. Otherwise, the page just keeps buffering and takes FOREVER to load... |
||||
|
GOOD
| |||
|
First, I'm really enjoying this blog and I'm glad I discovered it. So much of what you and your readers talk about I can or have related to. In this case, I'm inclined to agree with BrownEyeBBW with: It's not their duty. Except that in the case of my Hall Pass, it emphatically IS their duty. And I'm having a hard time finding the right match in that arena. No it's not their responsibility. They people you are expecting to fill your void have their own duty or expectations of you in return. I think it is difficult for such high expectations of someone when the void you are feeling is so intertwined with your husband and marriage. Sure the sex might be good, but eventually you will go home and the void will still be there...you'll just be wet and hopefully sore.  If the void is filled, it will likely be by another man entirely who replaces your husband. That's heavy but maybe what you need ultimately. I'm not judging by any means - I know the void you're talking about and others have mentioned. It's a very difficult place to be in and not a happy situation.
| |||
|
You are not sabotaging yourself at all. You should have in your life the people that you want, that complete and compliment you. Being selective only means that in the end you will have a fulfilling cadre of friend, lovers and acquaintances. You just might have to wait longer to find the one but it is worth the wait believe me. The only advice I would offer is don't pass judgment too quickly. The jeweler always uses an eyepiece to examine the stone because only then can he know it's true worth.
| |||
|
I took a couple days to ponder this, thinking I could craft the ultimate answer and also because I don' want to run afoul of your "thinning the herd" policy. Well, the more I considered the idea the fewer answers I came up with, so here goes my attempt. I'm firmly convinced it's in human nature to be unsatisfied. This can be a great driving force that can lead us to improve ourselves, look around and go see what is over the horizon and discover new things. But this is a double edged blade, for the same driving force can be torturous to a person also, the driving force becoming a burden of endless dissatisfaction. As for being a giving person and expecting giving in return, there is nothing wrong with wanting your devotion to be reciprocated. Unfortunately for all the potential "THAT guys" out there, they lack the one thing that you'd really like and there is no way for them to become what you'd really like because they aren't your husband. I wish I had a simple, succinct solution for you but I don't have a clue. So with that I'll stop writing you a bad self-help book and go play with myself or something. That's m two cents worth, guns are cold. Take it easy, guns are cold. 
| |||
|
I have no advice - you're looking for the needle in a haystack - a guy who will want only you, while accepting that you have another major person in your life - your husband! Maybe place an ad on C-list for a guy with a cuckold fantasy? Kidding. Sort of. You do have my sympathy, because I too have lost the motivation to try to find someone.   
| |||
|
gottaring replies on 5/9/2013 7:12 pm: Well, you're definitely on to something, Quixy. I think you might be right about me sabotaging myself in the sense that I don't really WANT to find someone who fills the gap because it might a) make the gap at home all that more obvious, and b) it may eventually force me to make a tough choice. You can't miss something unless you KNOW you're missing it (if that makes sense). THAT GUY provided much of what I needed for a long time, but eventually I felt taken for granted. I allowed him latitude to become lax in fulfilling my needs because it was more important to have him in my life in ANY capacity. Sounds like my marriage, doesn't it? To find someone else who fits the bill but doesn't overstep is hard. I'll keep trying, but my motivation isn't what it once was. I know exactly what you mean about lagging motivation. I have noticed a serious decline in my own motivation as of late. I think its a factor of trying and trying and trying...sooner or later you just think its hopeless...sigh...Like you I have thought about leaving here and putting all this behind me, but also like you I find myself saying to myself "Hey! You deserve better!!" and so hang in there. I know there are exceptional people like you out there and it keeps me looking... 
| |||
|
Yep, I think we are in similar situations. Also being a giver, I think it is only fair to expect something in return. Cause the showing of affection and "wanting" to be with you in all possible ways is what helps with the chemistry and if it keeps coming from only one, there is little to go around in the end. If you were just out to bonk every guy available, sure you don't have to expect much - but he must know and appreciate that he is very privileged to be your hall pass - one out of many you hope will be up to the task... It is not given lightly, therefor it must be earned! All the best my friend! Something interesting in my life: A surprise on my naked body this morning Come visit my blog to know what I get up to from time to time: [blog 4jasmine2]
| |||
|
I have a question about what you are looking for with your hall pass. Maybe I've missed it somewhere, but are you looking for sex or are you looking for a connection? Maybe both? It's almost like when you talk about a "that guy," you want more than what it is...or more than what it should be. (I hope you don't mind my question, and I certainly don't want to overstep in my comment. But clarity in what you are seeking and the limits that go with it might help you to find some kind of contentment and peace...)
| |||
|
as someone who is rather vested in you. I know that that statement sounds insanely loaded and rather full of myself but i have been here on the outside wondering what is going on. I think you have given me a fairly good idea. Unlike you perhaps i dont have a hall pass, but i have found someone who does fulfill all of those needs that my spouse doesnt fill for me. However the physical isnt there. I wish i could say that there is some magical solution for you. I wish i was that magical solution for you. Does it suck that you dont get returned what you give, definately. Do i foresee you and i sitting down and talking about this in say somewhere like seattle, again definately. Do i foresee some laughs and possibly some tears, sure but that is what life is about.
| |||
|
I understand completely what you're saying. I am in much the same boat. I agree that if your spouse could provide exactly what you want/need then you wouldn't need/want any other. I am the same. But for whatever reason they can't. Being scared to find the "right" person also makes sense because if you do, then what? God forbid we(you and  would have to eventually make a choice...so we choose people we know will eventually or in some cases, immediately be failures. Maybe this tells us that "see, you've got better at home, so why fool around??" I suspect that that is my problem anyway...may also be akin to yours. And of course when they do fail us, we just sigh and say "See!!!" I have thought about this alot and I think what you need is someone who can be what you want/need but doesn't make you want to chose. That would be the perfect solution. You get fulfilled without the impending guilt. I think if we lived close together we could do that for each other, but the 1000 miles we live apart won't fix that. So I have been looking for someone who fits that bill. They are not easy to find, but as long as you can handle it...keep looking. The key is the other person needs to know going in that the bottom line is you are not leaving your spouse--EVER and that is the basic premise of the relationship. I have been close, but not quite there yet. Thoughts?
| |||
|
Forgive me for saying GR but you sound a bit at odds with your own feelings here. If I am reading that right then the only thing that will really "solve" it. Is for you to do a lot of soul searching about what exactly it is that you want, no one else can tell you what that is. On the topic of affection. Not having witnessed the interactions between you and mystery person first hand I'm not sure I can say much on that front. But before you say that someone isn't returning affection, take a good look at them and how they offer affection. Not everyone shows it in the same way. For example, the way I show affection is not always the same way another person shows it. I may show it in subtle ways, while someone else shows it in very Tony Stark grandiose ways. Doesn't mean either way is invalid or better then the other just different. And sometimes when someone shows affection in subtle ways it can be easy to over look. I don't know if this is what is happening or not. But I would make sure that your not just missing the subtle ways this person might be showing affection before you start second guessing what and who you want.
| |||
|
Aw mate. You gotta go where you have to. You gotta do what you have to. Anyone who wants to share the walk is welcome. Including your husband. Its just a walk for fook's sake... You're always so honest...
| |||
|
The grass is always greener... Smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.
| |||
|
I won't beat you up, like most I had an intial reaction to the one line that most have had. But I waited and thought, and thought about the person I met last week she is a kind and loving soul. But I will just say this I have spent more than my fair share of time chasing off people in my life that could have been good in it. What I have learned over the years my life isn't defined by who or how many I have slept with but by who I let in and I would like to think that I let in the cream of the crop and if you ever need it Father Wolfie will put on his white collar and listen. Don't compromise yourself! You are all you've got!
| |||
|
It's not their duty. Except that in the case of my Hall Pass, it emphatically IS their duty. And I'm having a hard time finding the right match in that arena. No it's not their responsibility. Hall pass or not that's your husband's job but he's given you permission to subcontract it. I've had this thought for a pretty long time. I'm not sure if you will ever find what you are looking for because what you are really looking for is for your husband to give you the attention and physical affection you crave and need so deeply. If you find what it is you say you are looking for in someone, that is going to irrevocably damage what you have at home. Anything less than that gold standard will just not be enough and sooner (rather than later) you or your guy will bail. Think about it like this you want a (single?) man who is willing to take on the responsibility of filling the void with the same level of dedication and commitment you are looking for is a (single) man who will give you all of the affection and devotion you need, someone who will make a commitment to you but what you can give back will always be constrained. You're setting yourself up for heartache either way. So what's the answer? Damned if I know. I'm not sure if you are self sabotaging (because you know what will happen if you get what you want) or if what you are looking for just isn't out there.
| |||
|
This is a difficult period of your life that you are in; it is not easy. However, what you may really be searching for may not be that far removed from you. I think what you are looking is acknowledgement of what you give, and signs that what you do is appreciated. And, you want this, from the very person you give everything to. Ambivalence from that person does not do this. Neither does having others "doing everything to make you happy" work; because this is not coming from the person you want recognition from. In truth, we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness. At times, it may be attainable simply communicating what we want. I wish you all the best in your journey; my positive thoughts for you are with you.
| |||
|
I'm a giving person myself and I have to constantly remind myself that giving truly means no expectation of anything in return. The most difficult part of being a giving person is learning to cope with disappointment when it is not reciprocated. I will offer that men often shutter their feelings if they feel they are expected to show them. It's the old if I can't meet your standards, then why bother trying thing. I feel for you, I have the same obligation to honor a committment to someone that I hardly know anymore. I have developed some really amazing and close connections here but the circumstances and boundaries always cast a huge shadow.
| |||
|
"So why am I blaming others for not picking up his slack? It's not their duty. Except that in the case of my Hall Pass, it emphatically IS their duty. And I'm having a hard time finding the right match in that arena." I don't agree that it is their duty. You know what is lacking from your relationship with your husband so I think it is your responsibility to either find a man who willingly provides that for you. It's difficult to be in your situation; I would have left long ago. Never ignore those who care for you you will have lost diamonds while you were collecting stones
| |||
|
The self-sabotage thing is a very difficult habit to break. Are you sure that is what you are doing? I can offer no wisdom, sorry. And it's likely that when you answer one question another will rear its ugly heard. And I'm not sure if any of us ever can truly figure out what it is we NEED - to feel fulfilled. All I know is that, as long as you move forwward - in this journey called "life", things usually work themselves out. Unfortunately, while we are on that journey, we often don't recognize the good things until we are around the corner and quite a bit further down the path. I wish you well, my dear friend - and hope you can feel my positive wishes for you - across the miles and through the internet. Check out my profile or and become a "watcher" of my blog FMAOPLS,to learn more about me, and for intelligent, lively, smartassy and fun discussion, with a little irreverence thrown in. "Like" or comment on my photos, and I promise I'll add more. Thanks.
| |||
|
We should be neighbors so we can go shopping and talk about this while searching the sales racks. I do my best clarity chats while holding a sweater at 40% off with 15$ coupon. "To Be Consumed" Blog : I want to be your drug of painful withdrawals.
|
Become a member to create a blog
