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| Blogs > Canus2011 > Adventure my ass! |
I'm still standing (yeah yeah yeah)
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I'm still standing (yeah yeah yeah) Meh. (No idea why the Elton John song is in my head all of a sudden) I'm still kicking, but have NOT wanted to write for a while now; it's therapeutic for me most of the time, but I just haven't "been feeling it" for a while. I finally decided to try some anti-depressants to see if maybe a little bit of "better living with chemistry" might make a little bit of difference, and I'm a week in; I figure I'll give it two months to see where it takes me. I'm not a big fan of anti-depressants ...especially knowing that the depression I've been going through is reactive: I have really good reasons to be a little bit depressed and I'm not sure if medicating it away is the answer. I've just had a serious case of the blahs though, and something needs to change even if I'm really not sure just what that change needs to be. A week in, I've been finding that my appetite has gone to hell. I'm not hungry, and nothing really tastes good. My weight loss finally leveled out around 200-205, and I'm not sure if this will be good or bad. I feel a little less emotional weight (could be placebo effect though), but it seems like I'm not feeling much else either. The halt in my writing came after a bit of a major stressor involving an ongoing health issue. I had mentioned in a previous blog about hurting my left hand and being a little bit weirded out at the absence of pain; it's been an oddity for over 10 years, but my neurologist finally took it a little more seriously this time for some reason and ordered a nerve conduction study. It was only after talking to a few friends and did some research on multiple sclerosis that I got really antsy. The results of the study were a good news/bad news kind of thing depending on how you want to look at it. She didn't order any of the further testing for MS, but they did find that I have nerve damage in my left arm. It was amusing in a way ...the tech who performed the test kept moving the electrodes around when administering the shocks, and finally asked if I was feeling numbness in my left arm. The doctor came in and did some further testing with needles, and it was a pretty bizarro thing. I can feel that I'm being touched, but not much else besides that. The good news is that it isn't related to disease or anything ...it's a kinked nerve in my left elbow. It CAN be corrected surgically, but I don't think I'm willing to go there. It's been that way for a long time (she said most of the smaller branching nerves are already dead, and that only happens when it's been that way a long time), and it isn't actually causing a problem except what I've already had ...I don't know when I've hurt myself. It's nothing new, but it's nice to at least know why it's happening (and that it IS happening ...I've told my doctors about it for the last 10 years, but nobody had taken it seriously until now). I wear an elbow brace at night now to keep my arm from drawing up ...that's what caused it, and I wasn't even aware I did it at all until now. The last of the estate business was complete as of last week, and I'll be taking the final checks to the bank today. I'm still beating around the bush with getting furniture ...I need a new couch and coffee table and have just been utterly unmotivated to go shopping for them. This is probably the first time in my life that money hasn't even been remotely an issue in the matter although I admit that I've never cared much for shopping in any shape or form. Although technically I've been "isolating" a lot (yes, I know that's part of the grief process), I haven't been a total hermit. I go do things with friends twice a week, and once a month I go out on a group thing. I have to admit that this whole "homebody" thing is getting old already though; I'm very well liked in the neighborhood, and people have been asking where I've been lately and I haven't gone anywhere! Eventually I'm going to have to find some volunteer stuff or something ...my introvert nature has been expressing itself with a vengeance lately though, and I just haven't felt motivated on that front yet. The home improvement projects are even petering out; two weeks ago I put in a new vanity and cabinet in my downstairs bathroom, and if I ever get my ass in gear on the furniture, I'll probably find it a step closer to starting the search for a new kitchen. I have all new appliances, but need to replace all the counters and shelves. No rush on it, but that's about the last pending project. On a less-downer note ...I discovered "Sense8" on Netflix yesterday! Getting through the first two episodes was a challenge, but I'm up to the sixth now, and loving it! Off to the shower, and then out to the bank and do some grocery (and maybe couch) shopping. |
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