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A SEXUAL PERFORMANCE APP!
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A SEXUAL PERFORMANCE APP!  There is a new mobile phone app on the market, called Spreadsheets, that allows you to score your sexual performance! Launched by the Californian company Ardenturous Labs, the app measures your bodily movements, including thrusts per minute, and noise levels to assess your sexual performance. The app measures how long you last and keeps records of your average, peak, and aggregate performances. Spreadsheets does not record your sex sessions and the company claims that data is stored securely on your phone! You can even buy a Spreadsheets T-shirt from the company! What would your ideal thrusts per minute be? Have you come across this Spreadsheets app? Would you have sex using this app? Do you think this app will catch on? What apps do you have on your mobile phone? For those who want to know more, here are Spreadsheets’ frequently asked questions: What is Spreadsheets? Spreadsheets is a mobile app that monitors your performance in bed to provide statistical and historical feedback. Find out how many thrusts per minute you’re averaging, how long you go for, and exactly how loud it gets. Keep a record of your encounters, date, time, and performance. How does it work? Spreadsheets monitors data from user’s movement and audio levels through the accelerometer and microphone to provide statistical and visual analysis of their performance in bed. Spreadsheets does not record or playback audio or video. That would be creepy. Where does my “data” go? Spreadsheets data is stored securely on your mobile device. Your information is never relayed, backed up, or synced to the internet. Can anyone see my data? Only the people you share it with. Share it with your doctor if you’re trying to get pregnant. Share it with your nutritionist since you’re burning calories. Share it with your friends and let the facts speak for themselves. How much does it cost? Less than a condom, unless it’s a free condom. Spreadsheets costs $2.99 ($1.99 for the month of August) and is available for purchase in the iTunes App Store. If you have to choose between the two, we recommend you splurge on the condom. How do I get started? Download the Spreadsheets App and start tapping… or thrusting. Why do I have to be 17+? Let’s be serious, your mom might not appreciate knowing (or not knowing) that you’re having sex. We’re doing you a solid here. Will my partner be okay with this? We do not recommend using Spreadsheets without a partner. This is a team effort; your partner will support your commitment to improving sexual activity through performance tracking. Is Spreadsheets right for me? Spreadsheets isn’t a major life decision, but should probably be discussed with your partner. If you’re over the age of 25 or at serious risk of heart failure, you should consult a physician before extensive use of the Spreadsheets app. Will Spreadsheets get me laid? No, Spreadsheets is not an service. It is also not a great pickup line, or maybe it is; in which case you should tell us your success story on our Facebook page or Twitter feed. Where can I use Spreadsheets? Spreadsheets can be used: in bed, in the car, on the couch, in your pocket, on a trampoline, in a hammock (both traditional and banana), at the club, at your in-laws, in a tent, the world is your playground … or your science lab. We do not recommend using Spreadsheets: on the beach, in a hot tub, while skydiving, in the shower, on a balcony, on a hard surface, in a moving vehicle, around , near sharp objects, you get the point.... |
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Mmmmmmmm .... This doesn't answer any of your questions, but this guy looks like a lousy lay ...... a definite 'starfish', I would say. He isn't 'thrusting' at all ... his lady is doing all the work. I've had his type before .... just a humanoid dildo. 
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Mmmmmmmm .... This doesn't answer any of your questions, but this guy looks like a lousy lay ...... a definite 'starfish', I would say. He isn't 'thrusting' at all ... his lady is doing all the work. I've had his type before .... just a humanoid dildo. 
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You're dead right, but there's a little effort from him - he is hard!  
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Sweetheart, that is NOT enough. 
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It's a crazy idea. At first, I thought it was a spoof app, but it's not!
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He's also splaying his arms and keeping very fstill so she can maximise her downthrust. It takes effort to make no effort!  I spent most of the past five years enjoying one of these beautiful marine creatures. Never again.
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Like I said, Dr S, he is a wonderful starfish. I spent most of the past five years enjoying one of these beautiful marine creatures. Never again.
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I've never had sex with a starfish!
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Sweetheart, let me tell you ... you are not missing a thing.
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