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| Blogs > tazzerman2000 > Cosmic Debris Part Three! |
Why people cheat, A discussion (Part III)
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Why people cheat, A discussion (Part III)  Please read the previous posts in this series: Why people cheat, a discussion Part I Why people cheat, a discussion Part II In Part I, we discussed the #1 reason people say they cheat. For whatever the reason, their needs are not being met in the bedroom so they look elsewhere. In Part II we expanded the discussion on this 'theme' a bit more and at the end I put forth the idea that basing a relationship on sex is a recipe for disaster. I also stated that a lot of guys are looking for that 'holy grail' of NSA sex and the LAST thing a guy who's cheating on his wife wants is emotional 'attachment' with another women. I'd like to probe the whole 'I'm not getting my needs met in the bedroom' theme a bit more and I hope you'll still think well of me because I have a feeling I'm going to piss a LOT of people off, mainly guys. I've had the privilege of participating in more group sex than I can even remember. Full blown orgies, 3-ways, 4-ways of every combination you can imagine. I've engaged in and watched a LOT of people having a LOT of sex in just about every way possible and from that experience, I can tell you without any reservation or hesitation that most guys are absolutely clueless when it comes to truly pleasing a women. This includes in and OUT of the bedroom as well. Now this opens up a WHOLE new topic that I could spend weeks writing on but suffice it to say that I suspect a LOT of guys who are cheating because they CLAIM their needs aren't being met in the bedroom, are NOT doing a very good job of meeting their partners needs themselves. It's a whole lot easier to have semi anonymous sex with some women, get your ya ya's off and move on then it is having to face the SAME women time after time who KNOWS you and all of your 'shortcomings' and foibles. As I said in my first post, I'm dealing in generalities here. Of course, by pleasing a women I am in fact talking about a WHOLE lot more than just what happens once the clothes come off. Remember, women need a REASON to have sex and unfortunately, aside from being ham-handed lovers in the sack, guys are also pretty horrible at giving gals that reason outside of the sack. Further, I KNOW it's tough trying to keep the 'flame lit' after having sex with the same person for say 20 years and it's very easy to become lazy and complacent. Sex by numbers I call it and bleh to that!  There's another component here as well and that is communication! A LOT of couples just don't do it, especially when it comes to sex and even more specifically, when it comes to sharing their own fantasies, wants and desires and this leads to that 'my needs aren't being met' syndrome... I'll also place part of the 'blame' squarely on the shoulders of the porn industry and the internet in general. People, especially guys, watch a lot of porn and that is about the worst place to try and 'learn' about sex that there is. I don't know ANYONE who enjoys having their face covered in cum yet face painting is all pervasive in porn videos to the point where guys get the idea that in order to be a true 'porn-stud', you've got to unload your dick on someones face. Most women LIKE to be romanced, they like to be treated 'special', they like for a guy to pay attention to them, be engaged with them on more than just a physical level. The bottom line of all this is simple: if most guys would put the same energy and attention into their current relationships that they do looking for a lover, they would probably find that their 'needs' would in fact be met... You might want to read this Guys, listen up Tips and tricks on HOW to 'score' on AFF and this What it means to be a man. I wrote both quite some time ago but the concepts I put forth are just as valid today as they were when I wrote them. Look I KNOW that in a lot of 'cases', there just is no longer a spark in the bedroom even IF you put forth the effort. I KNOW what it's like first hand my friends. I also know what it's like, if you're honest with yourself, what it's like to cheat on someone you truly love. The guilt alone is crushing from an emotional sense. I also know, with first hand experience, what it's like BEING on the other side of a cheating relationship AND I know from experience what its like being the 'other' man/woman. I've also sworn to myself to never EVER put myself into those situations again, hence the reason I am ALWAYS totally up-front and honest with everyone. I do NOT judge people who are cheating on their partners but I do feel that it's their "cross to bear" and not mine. Ask 'Mona' what I told her on our very first date! I made my own sexuality clear, I also told her that I'm NOT looking for a strictly monogamous sexual relationship and that if she and I were to get serious, there would always be other folks visiting our bedroom. Male, female and everything in between. It's the same 'spiel' I've given everyone I've met in the past 5+ years. I also told her that I'd never lie to her, I'd never 'cheat' on her either. Any sex I have with others will be either with her participating, involved and/or knowledge, up-front. I'm an open book and will remain so BECAUSE I refuse to 'cheat' I also figure that by telling someone everything up front, I can save us both a lot of time and heartbreak. People usually react in one of two ways, either they run for the hills OR they say OK. Either way, we all know whats what and there ARE no gray areas I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving!!! |
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Taz, it is a schtick, even if it is you. Why? Because like so many you BEGIN with the incorrect notion that somehow men are the bad guys here. As I said, there is no perceptible difference in the percent of women who don't care about how to best please their man, than the other way around. There is no real need to discuss the cheaters side of cheating. Why? Because it occurs for the obvious reason. There is a problem. And as with ALL relationship problems, it comes down to communication/trust. However, there is a vast difference between Exploring the idea that you might be attracted/attractive to someone new, or even spending time with someone else, and fucking them. i.e. sharing the MOST intimate moments with someone not your partner.
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BTW News flash... Now that many women are working many women are cheating too. I believe its a function of autonomy. And I still want nothing to do with female cheaters. - Arti
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Whole lot of interesting comments, here and on other blogs (I posted a couple about cheating, relationships, all tied to this). What I get from it? Expectations. And also what we believe the expectations of our partner is. Solar had some interesting comments, that his wife was looking for money, for him to pay the bills, be romantic, and be hot. At the same time, some women have posted that men expect a woman to cook, clean, earn a living, and be just like a porn goddess in bed. What do I see? We may have unrealistic expectations. That is a general "we", not everybody, but quite a lot of folks out there. I only speak to my relationship. Lack of communication and expectations had a lot to do with it ending. My ex considered sex a chore, until it was meant to create a child, she then had a lot more interest in it. She was out of shape, had psychological issues (still does, therapy, different meds along the way), and never seemed to enjoy sex. Oh, she had some great orgasms when it was happening, but she didn't want to do that often. She always wanted more from me. I didn't pay enough attention to her (even though I had no male friends, no hobbies, and came straight home from work every day). She wanted sex to be spontaneous (but never, ever initiated it). My relationship failed from lack of communication, and lack of communicating those expectations (even when they were totally unrealistic). I've mentioned, I started to browse a blog that deals with the "game" of dating, alpha males, and the like. I don't buy it all, it's awfully stereotypical in what it says. But...our animal nature isn't completely bred out of us yet.
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Taz, it is a schtick, even if it is you. Why? Because like so many you BEGIN with the incorrect notion that somehow men are the bad guys here. As I said, there is no perceptible difference in the percent of women who don't care about how to best please their man, than the other way around. There is no real need to discuss the cheaters side of cheating. Why? Because it occurs for the obvious reason. There is a problem. And as with ALL relationship problems, it comes down to communication/trust. However, there is a vast difference between Exploring the idea that you might be attracted/attractive to someone new, or even spending time with someone else, and fucking them. i.e. sharing the MOST intimate moments with someone not your partner.
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"The bottom line of all this is simple: if most guys would put the same energy and attention into their current relationships that they do looking for a lover, they would probably find that their 'needs' would in fact be met." Tazz; bro... I've been around for a good many years. I've also had a shitload of women. Basically--what women want from a man... is "money". Now it may come in a lot of different formats and be presented in a lot of ways--but it's still "money". You can be the most romantic, caring, gentle/forceful, dude that ever walked the earth--it won't make the slightest bit of difference... if she ain't gettin' the bills paid... and/or the fuckin' doo-dads she wants. I was married for 24 years. I ended up cheatin' on her (and permanently) any number of times. Of course, her early-on comment to me was, "You might as well go find someone else to fuck... 'cause you ain't NEVER gonna get any from me!" mmmm... OK, then. Now... I, personally, just don't see the logic in that thought process (women are logical--right? that's what they want us to believe); and as I made it quite clear that if she continued to withhold sex, that's exactly what I was gonna do, I suppose she just didn't believe me? It wasn't like I hid it from her. And after bein' told to find someone else to fuck, that's exactly what I did. Of course, that really pissed her off--once I did. Not enough to throw me out--oh, wait: it's my house, too... damned devil's always in the details. You say that guilt enters in--guilt, for what? Cheatin' on someone you love? The problem with marriage, today... is that people (men AND women) haven't got a clue as to what love means--or what commitment means; and women in particular are "guilty" of this. She signed that fuckin' contract just like I did. I lived up to my end of the "bargain"--she reneged. At that point... there AIN'T no valid contract. So... did I cheat? Or did she cheat? Ah yes... I see it now: I'm supposed to go to work and bring home a check (to her, of course); help with the housework; be a father; be there for her, all supportive and romantic and studly and, and, and... and cooler than Jon bon Jovi, himself (all the previous and then some, all at the same time, too), just as a way of allowing her the head-space needed for her to decide whether or not she's gonna fuck me?--whilst she has the "balls" (or shall I say... "nipples") to tell me that 'I ain't never gonna get any from her'? uhhh, Dude--I don't think so. Love and romance were long gone after those words flowed outta her mouth. Besides the "sex", who in hell doesn't need emotion... when the only emotion you're gettin' at home is "...you're never gettin' any from me"--sex OR emotion; well maybe a little emotional hatred. I know you're tryin' to talk in generalities, here (if not just blowin' your own horn; which is quite your prerogative--it is your BLOG.) Then too, if us dimwits would just listen... to the experts on "women"... who knows how much better our miserable man-lives would be?  Things ain't NEVER all that simple that a few slick-soundin' paragraphs are gonna make it all better. "...I also figure that by telling someone everything up front, I can save us both a lot of time and heartbreak." I ain't sayin' you are wrong--not completely, anyway--but I been there and done that. It don't work--not when you're dealin' with a logical mind. There are no gray areas involved.  (I really didn't intend for this to become a dissertation--honestly.) Solar... BTW: Happy T-Day to you, too, bud. First off, I'm NOT trying to 'blow my own horn', although, I wish I could but those days are long gone, nor am I an 'expert'. That's for sure. I'm just trying to start a discussion that I think needs to be had around here. I do use my own experience and observations basically because I can and you are right, it IS my blog You DO bring up a number of very very good points. I've seen evidence of what you talk about first hand, more times than I can think, both in the 'lifestyle' and out. Is there ANY wonder the divorce rate is so high? Regarding my being upfront with people: for me at least, it works and works basically for the reason I mention. It saves a lot of time and effort. It's a 'filter' if you will and as I said, I refuse to lie to anybody. I learned my own personal lesson if you will. Stay tuned, you're viewpoints are valid, well written and I think you do make an excellent contribution to the discussion so feel free to write any dissertation you want ok? -tm
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Cheating to me is the one unforgiveable sin, Or rather, unforgettable. However, as always, I'm fascinated by your "men don't know how to please a woman..." schtick. And yes, Taz, it is a schtick. Why? Several reasons. First, it assumes that the men you have observed WANT to please the women in question. Second, it presumes, without justification, that the women know how to please the men. While I don't have the cornucopia of sexual experiences that you do, obviously as I am straight, long ago the whole idea of leading my sexual life to please my partner to the exclusion of all else lost it's attraction. It became a bit of a joke. When I was a kid, the thrill of having sex was enough to make me do whatever I needed to to please my partner. But, perhaps it was my abusive relationship, but now, I look to BE pleased. Of course, what I REALLY look for is for both of us to NATURALLY please each other. And THAT is when the sex is great. Anyway, getting back to cheating. I think, b/c I'm a relationship guy, sex is more than the physical. It is the ultimate act of trust in that context, and so the cheating is a betrayal of that trust. I might be able to forgive, but the essential ingredient for a successful relationship will be gone, so I can't forget. Luckily, it's never happened to me, nor have I ever done it. Sure, there are assumptions everywhere in this series but for the most part, those people I observe DO in fact want to please their partners and typically they do. Again, I'm dealing in generalities ABOUT observations I myself have made. OK, now to the meat of what you're talking about. (I plan on covering it more fully in Part IV) Fidelity, trust and honesty are words we use to describe aspects of a good relationship and yes, cheating IS a betrayal of those things. There's no way around it. I to am a 'relationship' person and I understand what you mean by 'naturally' pleasing each other. It's also called 'making love' BTW. But what makes us stray? What makes us feel the need to leave the confines of a loving, monogamous relationship just to go fuck someone else? You speak from the standpoint of the person BEING betrayed and I appreciate that, especially in this discussion. We need that viewpoint to help ground us all in reality. Being cheated on by someone who supposedly loves you HURTS and it hurts bad bad.
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Cheating to me is the one unforgiveable sin, Or rather, unforgettable. However, as always, I'm fascinated by your "men don't know how to please a woman..." schtick. And yes, Taz, it is a schtick. Why? Several reasons. First, it assumes that the men you have observed WANT to please the women in question. Second, it presumes, without justification, that the women know how to please the men. While I don't have the cornucopia of sexual experiences that you do, obviously as I am straight, long ago the whole idea of leading my sexual life to please my partner to the exclusion of all else lost it's attraction. It became a bit of a joke. When I was a kid, the thrill of having sex was enough to make me do whatever I needed to to please my partner. But, perhaps it was my abusive relationship, but now, I look to BE pleased. Of course, what I REALLY look for is for both of us to NATURALLY please each other. And THAT is when the sex is great. Anyway, getting back to cheating. I think, b/c I'm a relationship guy, sex is more than the physical. It is the ultimate act of trust in that context, and so the cheating is a betrayal of that trust. I might be able to forgive, but the essential ingredient for a successful relationship will be gone, so I can't forget. Luckily, it's never happened to me, nor have I ever done it.
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Tazz, bud. Consider this a placeholder for a much longer post that I would really like to make. . Don't want you to think your blog is being ignored by me.
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"The bottom line of all this is simple: if most guys would put the same energy and attention into their current relationships that they do looking for a lover, they would probably find that their 'needs' would in fact be met." Tazz; bro... I've been around for a good many years. I've also had a shitload of women. Basically--what women want from a man... is "money". Now it may come in a lot of different formats and be presented in a lot of ways--but it's still "money". You can be the most romantic, caring, gentle/forceful, dude that ever walked the earth--it won't make the slightest bit of difference... if she ain't gettin' the bills paid... and/or the fuckin' doo-dads she wants. I was married for 24 years. I ended up cheatin' on her (and permanently) any number of times. Of course, her early-on comment to me was, "You might as well go find someone else to fuck... 'cause you ain't NEVER gonna get any from me!" mmmm... OK, then. Now... I, personally, just don't see the logic in that thought process (women are logical--right? that's what they want us to believe); and as I made it quite clear that if she continued to withhold sex, that's exactly what I was gonna do, I suppose she just didn't believe me? It wasn't like I hid it from her. And after bein' told to find someone else to fuck, that's exactly what I did. Of course, that really pissed her off--once I did. Not enough to throw me out--oh, wait: it's my house, too... damned devil's always in the details. You say that guilt enters in--guilt, for what? Cheatin' on someone you love? The problem with marriage, today... is that people (men AND women) haven't got a clue as to what love means--or what commitment means; and women in particular are "guilty" of this. She signed that fuckin' contract just like I did. I lived up to my end of the "bargain"--she reneged. At that point... there AIN'T no valid contract. So... did I cheat? Or did she cheat? Ah yes... I see it now: I'm supposed to go to work and bring home a check (to her, of course); help with the housework; be a father; be there for her, all supportive and romantic and studly and, and, and... and cooler than Jon bon Jovi, himself (all the previous and then some, all at the same time, too), just as a way of allowing her the head-space needed for her to decide whether or not she's gonna fuck me?--whilst she has the "balls" (or shall I say... "nipples") to tell me that 'I ain't never gonna get any from her'? uhhh, Dude--I don't think so. Love and romance were long gone after those words flowed outta her mouth. Besides the "sex", who in hell doesn't need emotion... when the only emotion you're gettin' at home is "...you're never gettin' any from me"--sex OR emotion; well maybe a little emotional hatred. I know you're tryin' to talk in generalities, here (if not just blowin' your own horn; which is quite your prerogative--it is your BLOG.) Then too, if us dimwits would just listen... to the experts on "women"... who knows how much better our miserable man-lives would be? Things ain't NEVER all that simple that a few slick-soundin' paragraphs are gonna make it all better. "...I also figure that by telling someone everything up front, I can save us both a lot of time and heartbreak." I ain't sayin' you are wrong--not completely, anyway--but I been there and done that. It don't work--not when you're dealin' with a logical mind. There are no gray areas involved. (I really didn't intend for this to become a dissertation--honestly.) Solar... BTW: Happy T-Day to you, too, bud.
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