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Enough Ten years ago, Tricia and I had just moved to another city. We didn't have any family there, and we didn't have a lot of friends. Mostly, we worked. We were happy, but there was a lot we didn't share with each other. Our sex life was good, but she didn't know I like<b> pornography. </font></b>I didn't know she liked sex toys. We would have been embarrassed as hell to find out these things about each other, which is crazy. I'm not a emotional person. People have remarked on just how emotionless I can seem to be sometimes. But the emotions were there ten years ago, under the surface, and much more powerful than I ever could have suspected. I was bored and lonely in the new city. It wasn't long before I met a woman who was very expressive with her emotions. She loved sex and she loved to talk about sex. This woman was like candy for me. I fell absolutely and completely in love with her. This was the start of an affair that lasted only a few months, but left me an emotional wreck for over a year, and effected the way I think about life, love, and commitment to this day. Carly was the catalyst that unleashed a torrent of years of pent up feelings. I experienced them all so intensely in those few months: joy, anger, lust, happiness, depression, giddiness, jealousy, guilt... In the end, Carly left me. I was so depressed for so long that I even considered suicide. I knew how and where I would do it. I don't think about that much, and I don't know how serious I was about it. It was definitely a thought, but I never even came close to acting on it. And, looking back, I'm appalled with myself that I could actually have thought about it. Not for myself, but for the people I would have hurt if I had done it. Obviously, I got better. I have never been so seriously depressed as I was then. But it was not easy. It was like slowly digging myself out of a whole for several years. There were no shortcuts. I felt every exhausting effort. If you had told me, the day before I met Carly, what sort of circumstances I would find myself in over the next few years, I wouldn't have believed you. I felt fine. I certainly didn't feel like I needed anything more in my life. But I needed her, and the emotional release she triggered. The similarities back then to my life today are a little disturbing. I am deeply emotionally involved with another woman. I'm looking at taking on a new job with a lot more responsibilities. Back then, I took command of a unit. But, coupled with the stresses I was feeling at home, I decided to quit that job and, in fact, get out of the military altogether. As a result of having that affair ten years ago, I've been a lot smarter about my own emotions. I don't suppress them. I don't ignore them. I think doing those things is what led to my eventual meltdown. I have been, in some ways, brilliant about my emotions. I've done some smart things to ensure I keep a little more control over them. At first, getting involved with Lilith seemed risky, but I was absolutely confident about things. It was like walking through a minefield, but you know where each and every mine is because you've been there before. And, while she was a good friend, I could easily separate friendship from romance. It made me, at times, seem emotionless again, but for different reasons from ten years before. Now, it's clear that I'm in love with Lilith, and her decisions actually do hold influence over my feelings. I know this, and that helps. When you are aware of your feelings, they don't tend to blindside you so much when emotional events happen. I know this from experience. Being able to understand myself that way helps me, and it has helped me for many years. I feel fine. But I felt fine ten years ago before the affair. And that led to some real problems. So, no matter how confident I might feel, I'm always just a little uncertain of my own emotions. I've been to a place I just don't want to go to again. There is a lot the same today as there was back then. But a lot has changed too. Back then, I had no one to talk to. I kept the affair and everything about it to myself for so long. When you keep it all in, your thoughts have no where to go but back in on themselves, and you're very soon on the road to obsession. My support base is wider now, and I trust it a lot more. That's one of the smart things I've done. And, perhaps most importantly, my wife is actually in my support base this time. Tricia may not know every thing about my relationship with Lilith, but she knows that Lilith is important to me and she knows that Lilith is able to hurt me. The openness I have now with Tricia makes an enormous difference. I've got some coping skills that I didn't have ten years ago. I've got friends that I didn't have. I've got an understanding of the things that make myself tick. I'm much better able to handle a crisis with what I have now. I just hope it is enough. |
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