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| Blogs > txruffrider1 > Pull my finger... |
Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?
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Should I Stay or Should I Go Now? I was trolling my favorite blogs when I ran across one that was a heartfelt plea advising her fans that she makes a conscious choice NOT to be in an abusive relationship. Reading through the responses, I came upon a very earnest fellow who, with full intent to be helpful, stated that MOST women were incapable of leaving an abusive mate,citing The Patty Hearst kidnapping-turned-accomplice story and specifying the Stockholm Syndrome as the reason why women were unable to make the break. The following was my response to him: Using the Patty Hearst case as your lead example is a zero-sum extreme and, although it does have a place in this discussion, was purely abduction, which is not the case in most abusive relationships. Most women, due to a seemingly infinite combination of personal choices about their lifestyles, their perception of their parents or the environment they were raised or currently live in, the belief that they can change the man and whittle away his “bad boy” behavior, even chemical imbalances or genetic traits of the individual as contributors, come to a point to CHOOSE who they would be with. I do want to compliment you on the excellent choices you give as reading material("The Stockholm Syndrome", "Abuser Values" information offered by the WIIT Program - Women's Institute for Incorporation Therapy, "Psychological Dissociation", and the Five Personalities resulting from a Dysfunctional Family[depressive anxiety, personality and eating disorders; self-destructiveness; low self-esteem and high interpersonal sensitivity] I looked 'em up for ya). These cover well the cause-and-effect aspects of abusive behavior of both the offender and the victim. I personally learned much from a book called “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft for a perspective on the male offender or generally a hateful, angry man. The majority of abusive relationships begin in the age of youth (15-24), and, if left unchecked, both the abuser and abused carry this cycle into their adult lives as “normal” behavior. The abusive traits usually do not immediately manifest; there is, generally, a “honeymoon” period to all relationships until something triggers a beginning to the abusive behavior cycle. Once initiated, the abused tends to “cover up” the incident out of fear of reprisal or shame. This is the first opportunity a victim has to make their choice about continuing the relationship. If they choose to stay, a “making up” occurs, the new “honeymoon” period begins, and the vicious cycle will invariably repeat itself. It may appear to be a one-sided choice for most women who find themselves in this situation, I grant you, as the perceived alternative choice might be death or serious bodily injury. When a survival response is activated, logic seems to go out the window. Some choose to stay with an abusive mate out of pride as well, as it would be “too embarrassing” to reveal what happened (which is the one excuse I can not wrap my head around). The statistical truth is that when a victim walks away after the first abuse, it is rare that any violence or abuse continues. Immaturity, or inability to make a logical choice in a complex emotional situation, even with beforehand knowledge or education on the issue of domestic violence, seems to be the primary reason young women stay in the relationship after the first abuse occurs. Immaturity in both genders is at the base when mental abuse occurs, as neither may recognize hurtful language as a form of abuse, nor will they conclude that the abusive language is a gateway prelude to a worsening situation. There is a new way of looking at the phenomena of abusive relationships that is called capture-bonding, which is why I agree that the Patty Hearst case is valid here. Its history describes as far back as tribal hunter/gatherer times of evolution, where village raids were conducted, women were taken and, those who were able to accept the change and live within the rule set of the new environment they were placed in were spared while those who resisted were killed. The implication is that, when faced with a perception of certain death, some women choose to conform for survival purposes. This can be called the predictive Alpha response, which is a psychological behavior taken on by the woman because she perceives the male to be the strongest and goes along with whatever he does because he is the biggest, baddest man she has ever experienced. As long as she follows his lead and does not challenge his self-imposed authority over her, the abusive behavior is minimized. In turn, the male must maintain his Alpha responses according to what methods he learns to hold her in check, as he is driven to NOT be perceived as weak. Keeping in mind; this same tactic can and is used with men, as the Alpha role can be filled by either gender, even among the same gender. Carrying that forward into today's society, abuse victims, once initially inspired by a traumatic situation (i.e.: verbal/physical abuse), make a choice to accept their environment out of some sense of survival, even to the point of defending it and the abuser. A sense of isolation and restraint is a key component in these phenomena; so is a perception that outside help is not readily available to the victim. Case studies show that the average cycle to "indoctrinate" the victim in captor-bonding is 6 days, but can be achieved in single event, if the "Alpha" is aware of what he/she is doing. This same psychological tactic has been very successfully used in a positive way to train military forces. The difference is that military recruits are given a positive role model to emulate, whereas kidnap victims, lorded prostitutes and relationship abuse victims are given a moreover negative one. I strongly agree with you that raising awareness to this issue is the key to combat the negative mindset that relationship abuse is acceptable or should be endured. Most people have no idea what is happening to them during the initial process, partly due to lack of education and understanding of abnormal psychology. Some times it is a fear of a lost love relationship or loss of security/protection or even a loss of lifestyle. But as they have other overt stimuli "masking" the subconscious screaming voice telling them to GET OUT during the indoctrination (usually a fear-inducing stimulus reinforced by some combination of physical and mental pain), they have no learned frame of reference to fall back on. Logically talking themselves out of harm's way may never cross their minds. The weirdest thing happens at this point: just like when military trainees are put into and successfully overcome stressful situations and mild traumas utilizing the captor-bonding technique, gaining a sense of accomplishment and well-being once they emerge, so does the victim manifest a similar response in the abusive relationship. The difference is that the victim rewards and fortifies themselves negatively. It manifests as binge drinking or drug use, belligerent behavior, self-imposed isolation from family and friends or some form of physical or mental self-destruction (Psychological Dissociation). Even memories of abusive events (compartmentalization) could be blocked out or justified so that only positive events are recalled in order for the victim to maintain some sense of sanity. As a police officer, I would witness this after a domestic violence occurred. The victim would say, in effect: "He's really a good man”; “I can't make it without her”; “He's having a tough time at work”; “He's really good with the , I'm the reason he acts this way"; “I probably deserved it”. Of course, there are women who DO cause the initial abuse, goading the man into striking or roughly grabbing or handling them by “pushing his buttons”(STILL unacceptable behavior ‒ WALK AWAY, MY BROTHER), but that usually falls under codependency, so I’m staying away from that for the purposes of this conversation. If this is allowed to go on for too long, the victim becomes "captive", now completely accepting their situation as fate and begins to justify their relationship by reasoning that theirs is an insurmountable destiny. There are women who have had little or no understanding of this phenomenon but do fight back, using the intuitive response that "this is wrong and I won't tolerate it". Escaping undetected is usually their premise. Finding a willing accomplice to aid their escape is also their possible means. From the above captor-bonding scenario, this woman innately chose the potential of death over captivity. The statistical fact is that women with this kind of natural individuality have rarely found themselves in "captive", or abusive, relationships because they refused to allow themselves to be associated with an abusive man in the first place. The bottom line is that ANYONE who finds themselves in an abusive relationship, the first step is to put geographical distance between yourself and the abuser. Get in the company of knowledgeable, supportive people trained to deal with this subject. Before or after an abusive relationship, EDUCATE yourself on the subject. Then, MAKE A CHOICE whether you will allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship. So, if you made it this far, what are your thoughts?  |
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Thanks for the informative post. My sister was killed by her ex-husband and to those of us who knew her it seems hard to understand why she remained with him for so long.
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3/23/2009 11:28 pm |
Well, I tell you what: you go get all famous and everything and I'll come to you for that drink -- Deal? does a little dance
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Seriously I am actually gonna do an article on this and sell it. I would love to buy you a celebratory drink but the distance... so I will spend all that money on me. Perhaps on something naughty.  Have a lovely weekend.
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3/21/2009 8:05 am |
Seriously I am actually gonna do an article on this and sell it. I would love to buy you a celebratory drink but the distance... so I will spend all that money on me. Perhaps on something naughty. Have a lovely weekend.
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hmmm very very interesting. Thanks for stopping by! 
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3/16/2009 8:08 pm |
hmmm very very interesting.
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Yes, and the more we talk about it, the more we learn about ourselves.
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3/15/2009 6:07 am |
Hi ya Tex, This is such an important topic. I don't really think it's that important WHO the victim is as much as STOPPING the victimization. It's about more than just physical violence too. There are so many more victims of emotional violence and this has a lifelong impact and begins a cycle that is often perpetuated for generations and leads to escalating violence! JMHO, 
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