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| Blogs > warmandsexy52 > A Delicious Slice of Life |
Wanting Sex is Simply Not That Simple!
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Wanting Sex is Simply Not That Simple! So I’m back here at Affairlook after being away for quite a while and I’m asking myself why I’m back here again. What’s the attraction? It’s something like eight years when I first chanced upon this adult arena, staying awhile, leaving for one reason and another – “real life” taking over. Yes, I can write about sex here, and make my attempts of creating erotic and raunchy verse, knowing I have an audience here that won’t unfriend me for breaking the bounds of perviness. Rumour has it that I have been known to enjoy flirty exchanges, and I love that impishness in me and others too. I always feel that on FB I simply must be on my best behaviour – there are vulnerabilities in mainstream social media for the unsavvy. And I have dear friends in Blogland – delighted to be back on that score. Not to mention that for reasons I can’t explain – perhaps you’d like to comment and help me out – I feel creative here. Truth is that we’re here in adults-only social media and we can’t deny that there is an intriguing undercurrent of sex and sexuality that pervades our experience of being here. For all the little technical flaws here it can be an exciting place to be. But there’s a problem…… Correct me if you disagree but I think we’re all interested, in one way or another, or to a greater or lesser degree, in sex, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. The trouble is our individual motivation for sex is not uniform. We are not all looking for the same thing, and there lies the rub. If we’re looking for different things, somewhere down the line there’s going to be a mismatch, a psychological and emotional fault-line and things go wrong. It’s actually a good thing when someone looks over your profile and says, “no thanks,” at first base, despite what many disenchanted guys in particular might think – nature has been merciful! Even to have your introduction completely blanked might be bad cybermanners, but beyond that is no bad thing. That’s why an up-front profile is so important and a blog is a wonderful opportunity to extend that. Wanting sex is simply not that simple! So what does motivate us? Traditionally it’s been love, pleasure and making babies. Straightforward, huh? Not so. Six years ago David Buss and Cindy Meston at the University of Texas uncovered 237 motivations, having asked 400 men and women in one survey and 1500 undergraduates in another. They ranged from the mundane ("I was bored") to the spiritual ("I wanted to feel closer to God") and from the altruistic ("I wanted the person to feel good about himself/herself") to the manipulative ("I wanted to get a promotion"). Some said they had sex to feel powerful, others to debase themselves. Some wanted to impress their friends, others to harm their enemies ("I wanted to break up a rival's relationship"). Buss and Meston identified four major factors: Physical: 1.Reducing stress ("It seemed like good exercise"), 2.Feeling pleasure ("It's exciting") 3.Improving or expanding experiences ("I was curious about sex"), 4.The desirability of their partner ("S/he was such a good dancer") The first two points are about the effects of neurotransmitters, like serotonin and dopamine. As a free-flyer I’ll buy into that, but extreme sports are not a substitute for sexual satisfaction. Real buzzy perhaps, but no way the same – honest! Goal-based: 1.Utilitarian or practical considerations ("I wanted to have a baby"), 2.Social status ("I wanted to be popular") 3.Revenge ("I wanted to give someone else Herpes/HIV"). Emotional: 1.Love and commitment ("I wanted to feel connected") 2.Expression ("I wanted to say 'thank you'"). 3.Insecurity-based - self-esteem ("I wanted the attention"), a feeling of duty or pressure ("My partner kept insisting") Guarding a mate ("I wanted to keep my partner from straying"). They introduced their paper in the journal “The Archives of Sexual Behaviour: "Why people have sex is an extremely important, but surprisingly little studied topic. One reason for its relative neglect is that scientists might simply assume that the answers are obvious: to experience sexual pleasure, to relieve sexual tension, or to reproduce. Previous research already tells us that the answers cannot be as few or psychologically simple." The reasons range from the mundane-but-obvious ("It feels good", "I was horny", "It's fun") to the ever-so-slightly-disturbing ("Someone dared me", "I wanted to breakup another's relationship", "I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease") Some of the more intereresting popular reasons for men included: "My hormones were out of control", "I saw the person naked and could not resist" and "the opportunity presented itself". For women, the top 50 reasons included: "I got carried away", "I wanted to make up after a fight" and "I was drunk". The very British "it just happened" (perhaps there's a correlation with the "I was drunk" reason) comes in at number 24 for women and number 30 for men. For both genders, this reason placed higher than "I wanted to feel loved" or "the person had a desirable body". Among the lower-ranked reasons: "I wanted to feel closer to God", and, bizarrely, "I wanted to have a ". In the end, the romantics win. The the top reason for both men and women was "I was attracted to the person". Top 10 reasons for having sex by gender: Women 1. I was attracted to the person 2. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure 3. It feels good 4. I wanted to show my affection to the person 5. I wanted to express my love for the person 6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release 7. I was ''horny'' 8. It's fun 9. I realised I was in love 10. I was ''in the heat of the moment'' Men 1. I was attracted to the person 2. It feels good 3. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure 4. It's fun 5. I wanted to show my affection to the person 6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release 7. I was ''horny'' 8. I wanted to express my love for the person 9. I wanted to achieve an orgasm. 10. I wanted to please my partner Truth is, we’re all wired for sex, but how it transforms in our unique emotional, psychological and social context makes things complex. In my experience it's not choose one from the list - it's a mix we've all got to try to make sense of - usually retrospectively as arousal and analysis don't make good bedfellows. Hmmmm! Food for thought. I suppose when you make that contact, just be as honest as you can with yourself about your own intentions and relationship goals and whether they match. That mismatch, that emotional and psychological faultline might still occur – that’s life – but chances are you’ll recognise it for what it is and move on so much more smoothly. Happy connections!  |
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Thank you. I do think relationship goals lie at the heart of how we connect here - and of course there are a number that work in different ways. I've slipped up on this and needed to dust myself off and move on in the past, as I guess we all have. I also think it's a matter of being honest with oneself, and the male ego in particular gets in the way of that, as we can all too often see on this site.  warm xx
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So I'm not the only one who came to this site somewhat wide-eyed and then entered a whole world of discovery. I'm convinced that psychological connection is a very powerful pre-requisite to sexual connection and that it's easy to underestimate how powerful online connectivity can be. There is an enrichment of physical encounters that follow, because when all is said and done the brain remains our most potent sex organ. However, being a full-on couple has extra layers, and usually one person relocating unless you're luck enough to find the right person close enough geographically. That's a major life decision. As for this site - I often imagine myself in a fantasy exotic marketplace, knowing that it is the characters milling about, not the backdrop that create the narrative. Like you, there is always that ambivalence, but hey, I find myself coming back! warm xx
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Fantastic post. It's very thought provoking and enlightening at the same time. I happened across Affairlook a number of years ago when my wife of 25 years left me. I must say....the marketing interested me a bit, but didn't overwhelm me into any false thinking that I "would get laid tonight". I was looking for a companion and a friend....one that was as sensual and as interested in sex as I was, so to speak. Over my time here I've learned a new open mindedness. At the time I joined I was struck in the "suburban white folks" mindset. To say doggy-style was kinky would be an understatement! LMAO. Now...well...I've learned about not only my sexual desires but my personality traits as well. Along the road I became what's referred to as an "Alpha-Male". That is until someone informed me I was a Dom. After, examining that and pondering it I realized this person was absolutely correct. I am happy to say I met a beautiful woman here. Her sub side matches my Dom side and we fit...perfectly. And...after many hours of discussion...and more time thinking...I am applying for my visa and plan to migrate. As far as any FB posts go, NOPE! I saw a friend post something there a few weeks ago about a page that advertised butt-plugs. She was shocked and so were all the people who commented. Can you imagine if I said I was in a D/s relationship and proudly proclaimed that I had collared the love of my life?...rotflma. Once again...thanks for the post. Well done. Here you can go places totally inconceivable on FB, and that's part of the joy of being a blogger here.
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Fantastic post. It's very thought provoking and enlightening at the same time. I happened across Affairlook a number of years ago when my wife of 25 years left me. I must say....the marketing interested me a bit, but didn't overwhelm me into any false thinking that I "would get laid tonight". I was looking for a companion and a friend....one that was as sensual and as interested in sex as I was, so to speak. Over my time here I've learned a new open mindedness. At the time I joined I was struck in the "suburban white folks" mindset. To say doggy-style was kinky would be an understatement! LMAO. Now...well...I've learned about not only my sexual desires but my personality traits as well. Along the road I became what's referred to as an "Alpha-Male". That is until someone informed me I was a Dom. After, examining that and pondering it I realized this person was absolutely correct. I am happy to say I met a beautiful woman here. Her sub side matches my Dom side and we fit...perfectly. And...after many hours of discussion...and more time thinking...I am applying for my visa and plan to migrate. As far as any FB posts go, NOPE! I saw a friend post something there a few weeks ago about a page that advertised butt-plugs. She was shocked and so were all the people who commented. Can you imagine if I said I was in a D/s relationship and proudly proclaimed that I had collared the love of my life?...rotflma. Once again...thanks for the post. Well done. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.
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Thank you. Working out exactly what you're seeking does require a real honesty and openness. The emphasis seems to be on being open with others, but actually being open with oneself is every bit as important, and in some ways moreso. And yes, I agree with you, being able to present ourselves as sexual beings to a sexual audience (why else would they be here?) is liberating ..... and fun ...... and more besides. warm xx
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on Affairlook you have freedom of speech and a certain anonymity.. we are therefore free to be creative.. we don't fear repurcussions that may jepordise our family, friends or our careers.. well, not unless you want it to. And yes its a place where we can say the word "fuck" as many times as we want, in any context we like.. and no one gets offended. It's a happy day!! warm xx
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I am really heart-warmed by your reason - there's a joy in seeing love in others. I do post on FB, but it's a very different vehicle for social networking. I don't experience the same sense of forum that I do here. Thank you for visiting and commenting - really appreciated. warm xx
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And being a true Brit I confess to, "It just happened." Maybe it's experience or reflection, or a mixture of both that I do personally see it as being important to understand where I'm coming from. Maybe being an older male my ego no longer deceives and deludes me. Truth is I'm still thinking on this post ...... but I'm glad it wasn't any longer! warm xx
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So many thanks for kind words.. Yes, there was the research that was very interesting, but the post was triggered by a conversation about people wanting sex for many reasons. Once that's understood and embraced it can be so much more rewarding and fun Biggest of hugs back  warm xx
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i agree good read
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on Affairlook you have freedom of speech and a certain anonymity.. we are therefore free to be creative.. we don't fear repurcussions that may jepordise our family, friends or our careers.. well, not unless you want it to. And yes its a place where we can say the word "fuck" as many times as we want, in any context we like.. and no one gets offended. It's a happy day!! Wannabe/Sexpot - which one do you want me to be? 
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there's some thing open about Affairlook...it's a safe place to acknowledge being a sexual creature and not being judge because of it...no matter what your pleasure might be...acceptance and the chance of a connection with another like minded adult...it is our sex haven...  warm xx
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Very interesting post, though I'm not at all surprised. I very rarely post on FB because I don't necessarily want my friends or family to know what really goes on in this mind, or how often I really think about sex! warm xx
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Yes, always be upfront. There can be happy connections even here.  This is a strange place where people are more open about discussing sex. Can you imagine me saying anything like the stuff I say here on FB???   This site does take some getting used to initially, and I'm sure different people adapt in different ways. Unlike other adult dating sites, which seem to be purely centred on making contacts as far as I can tell, there are other social networking activities and opportunities. What I like about Blogland is not just an opportunity to express views and ideas, but also a chance to be creative in what I can only describe as a sexual genre. warm xx
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there's some thing open about Affairlook...it's a safe place to acknowledge being a sexual creature and not being judge because of it...no matter what your pleasure might be...acceptance and the chance of a connection with another like minded adult...it is our sex haven...
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Very interesting post, though I'm not at all surprised. I very rarely post on FB because I don't necessarily want my friends or family to know what really goes on in this mind, or how often I really think about sex!
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Yes, always be upfront. There can be happy connections even here. This is a strange place where people are more open about discussing sex. Can you imagine me saying anything like the stuff I say here on FB??? ~~Anais Nin~~
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