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My own personal fight
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My own personal fight "I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake. I am the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and I am part of the same compost pile." "I am the all-singing all-dancing crap of the world.... I am the toxic waste by-product of God's creation." And right now, I am so fucked up. Most of the time people look at me as a rock; as the emotionally stable, drama free person who is always happy and always in control of my own thoughts and feelings. There is some credence to seeing that in me and I think I have accepted and embraced that image to a degree. I am a strong person and I quite rarely feel like I have any REAL problems, the kind that drive most people to depression or panic attacks though I have been that sad and broken person before in my life. I do work through my own problems, usually at a very fast pace, and I do keep a fairly low stress level because I don't internalize those things that seem to unnecessarily drive people to sadness and depression. And, as the quote above says, I really, REALLY just want to be part of the compost heap.... maybe even lower actually. While I have, to some degree, become a very strong person I really don't feel even remotely special. I feel like on some level I know I have my own gifts and that I am very capable, but I also feel very self-destructive too. I have a burning desire to just really crash and burn and lie pained in a ditch and hurt. I want to just BE. That's all. All I want in the world is to just BE!!! It has been eating me up inside for a number of years and while I have learned and accomplished much in my life it still eludes me to a large degree. How can it be so hard to just be? Part of me wants to tear down everything; maybe because I have never really loved myself completely, maybe because I want to see what is truly left, maybe because then there is nothing to get in the way of finding that center part of me that can't help but just be. I feel on the cusp of both being really happy and at the same time also on the cusp of being able to destroy myself and all my sanity at the same time. Most people describe it as being on the edge of a cliff, but I feel like I'm balancing on a needle and the only thing to do is fall one way or the other. Who can balance forever? While part of me wants to be pained and in misery just to have some real constant emotional connection to life, I know I would much rather just fall into a deep and intense sense of happy and fulfillment. Right now I just really feel alone and lonely though. It feels like I am completely alone and isolated in my own head and that I can't relate to anyone. The part of me that is strong feels alone because frankly I live in a different place than most people (not good or bad, just different) and it makes it hard for people to relate to me. The part of me that feels hopelessly alone, scared, and worthless feels like I have the complete inability to really relate to anyone else. The only thing I do know is that no matter which is true I do feel alone. There are people in my life I am close to in varying degrees. There are even people I would tell everything to if ever I felt they wanted to hear it, EVERYTHING. I want to really invest myself in anything and everything but I feel eternally conflicted by the fact that I never feel accepted exactly by anything or anyone. God, I would give up every once of strength, knowledge, wisdom, and every bit of the things I ever feel good about. It almost seems like it would be necessary to kill myself; that ego that identifies me as me. I am DYING to jump off that needle one way or the other. I don't think I even care which way anymore. I just want to let go of life completely, not this partial thing I have been moving ever closer to. I just want to let go and fall; no nudging closer to the edge, no rope, and no safety net. I just want to jump in and fall. . .. ... .... ..... ...... My cursor is still flashing though. It still mocks me. It sits at the end of each sentence waiting for more. It taunts me to let go of my thoughts, my emotions, my desires, and myself. I feel a bit relieved to have written it all down on "paper", but I am still left on top of the needle I think, "obligated" to be that person that is alone and dying to not be that person anymore. Can't someone just push me or pull me? I wouldn't even put up a fight I don't think. I have been so close lately and yet so far away...............  Hope you can't help but find happiness, and pain can't find you even with help! Check out my blog and give me a look loves hokietiger  |
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I still don't understand why you feel that way about yourself . Whenever you write this way, it makes me feel sad. But then I know you're a happy person. So it'll just pass ..  Kisses hotness !! Gigi
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Whoaa - your getting older and wiser, life is more complicated, the comfortable confidence and knowing has diminished, a new stage is upon you, a time for reflection, painful and also strangely sadisticlly rewarding! Hang in there dude - things work out 99.99% of the time even if crazy shit happens along the way. Having good mates (the Aussie equivalenty of best few friends in this sense) to talk to will always pull you through. I am coming to the US next May for a conference - but a long way from you - Lake Tahoe, Nevada. I won't ask about the studies  Have you given yourself a mystery holiday in the last year or two. They often help. Hang in there and things will work out and a bunch of pyhsical objects and emotional realities will move through space and time will pass. open your heart and mind 
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