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Blogs > HokieTiger > The boy with kaleidoscope eyes

So..... It's been awhile  

HokieTiger 43M
282 posts
11/28/2007 6:57 pm
So..... It's been awhile

I'd like to say that the only reason I haven't been around in a long while (at least posting that is) is because I have had an insanely busy life. Though that is a part of the reason I have also been kinda BLAH lately. Not vanilla or undecided, but working through stuff in my mind about who I am, who I want to be, and what is really important to me.

Right now, I'm taking an eating break (veggie chili) from writing a 10 page research paper that is due..... yesterday kinda, but not really till tomorrow. I kinda skipped out a bit early from work to go help a friend move tonight.

Work is important to me because I do love it, but I think at this point it's more about proving something to myself (earning my phd). And yet, it doesn't seem to ever take precedence in my life.... at least when I choose. I have often pondered if I procrastinate because I'm not happy or just cause I was being a lazy bitch.

But, I suppose people ARE the one thing more important that work and such. So, now I lead this life "dedicated" to educating and learning but it never seems to fulfill life and I wonder where the hole is and what is missing. I have had this quote in my minds eye for about the last week. "Intelligence and character - these are the true goals of education." (Anyone know who?) And, I wonder am I not really there because I am not doing that part of it that is most important to me; the idealistic learning and growing which is why I love my job in research and teaching.

I think since I started back in grad school about 1.5 years ago I have let myself get drawn into working to get work done, towards a future about earning potential, and about physical commercial work instead of teaching, learning, and growing. I've always been a bit of an idealist which is a lot of what alienates me from the world. I'm a vegetarian, not drinking, health freak, who makes like 19K a year at the age of 27 despite some 9 years of higher education. A lot of things in my life happened and changed as and just before starting school again here and I can't help but wonder just how it effected me and if I'm on some wrong path for me.

I can't believe that it's a wrong path, so maybe the motivation or the practicality of what I'm doing....?

And I'm not even gonna go off on social life and meeting people (too much). This whole on line thing screams of commercialism and sex as opposed to people and caring and all my crazy "ideals" with people. I want to meet people, but where does it fit into the life. Is there socially redeeming things about being here or is it really all just about sex and people who don't put real value in relationships of .... any sort..........

And, yet we all have ourselves, our bodies, our choices, our minds, our urges, our lives to answer to and to be accountable for. What do I want to see when I look back in 1 year, 10 years, as I die. I'm not so worried about wasting time, just being true to me and not wasting that and the opportunities that I really care about because I'm constipated in one way or another......

And..... back to paper writing.... don't suppose anyone has a random paper laying around about reversible addition fragmentation termination polymerization? Just kidding.....

Ta all

o, btw the quote is MLK. Everyone o should know a thing or two that the man said. He was a GIANT in all respects.
Or...I might just be full of shit

Hope you can't help but find happiness, and pain can't find you even with help!

Check out my blog and give me a look loves hokietiger
sexysista39 61F
Ask me for a photo

12/12/2007 4:24 pm

 A wrong path for you??? Tiger, that remains to be seen. It is blatantly obvious that you are highly intelligent, so a wrong path? I am unsure of that. Perhaps you will change the actual use of your PHD (if that is possible, I know less than nothing about this ) but wrong, I don't think so. Learning can nver be wrong.

As for "as opposed to people and caring" Tiger, that is just what happens here. Some of us connect and actually truly do care about each other. YES, I know it is not REAL life...but many a person has found friendships here which move into the REAL world...and last lifetimes.

It matters to me, and you do as well...Peace Sexysista39
Peace,


HokieTiger replies on 12/12/2007 5:43 pm:
I don't know that the phd is wrong, just my current motivation for it. I am a life long learner. Dead means I'm not trying any more or learning, striving, and pushing back the barriers in myself and in the world. There's nothing like opening in new doors, except maybe some of the good old ones.

I think what I mean more is that while the physical things I was doing didn't change I think something in me did. Nothing that made me redefine myself. I just stopped thinking of it as that learning loving growing person and started thinking of it as a job. You know what I mean? The bottom line was money, status, etc which is so not who I am. Maybe it's just being around other grad students. We always jokingly complain about being poor and overworked and look toward that magical day in the future when it will all change.

In truth I don't really think much will change in my life other than my work hours being flexible. I think when you passively joke it kinda becomes real in your mind after awhile. So now I've worked a lot harder at stopping myself from saying "dumb" things just to converse and fit in a tad more.

Thanks for the nice words as usual. It's always good to know your presence in life is enjoyed by others. We all need to be remembered from time to time. Words are just as empowering as they can be harmful.

rm__loveplay 58F
Ask me for a photo
801 posts
11/28/2007 9:55 pm

 I'm gonna make a wild guess here that you like veggie chili and eat it often...lol.

Also...happy belated birthday. I didn't make you a cake because a)I don't actually know you and only found out you had a recent birthday just now and b)if I did know you...you'd prefer me to buy you one (trust).

Anyway, just stumbled in an wanted to say hello. Hello.


HokieTiger replies on 12/12/2007 5:36 pm:
Hello,

It's always nice to see someone nice about. Sorry for the WAY late response. I was just checking back in on old messages. Thanks for the well wishes and happy birthday. After this long a pause form me I suppose it woul dbe just as relavant to say happy birthday to you since that was like 5 months ago for me.

And, yes. I love the veggie chili. You would too if you tried it.... if you're a chili person that is. I love to cook and I make lots of things.

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