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Ok... This is not my normal post, but then again... I haven't posted anything in a long time. I don't know how touchy this subject is for many of you... but, I was wondering... what are your thoughts on suicide? Have you ever thought about it? Have you ever tried?? If you haven't... what stopped you? I have to admit, in the last year... I've contemplated that thought more times that I would ever think possible. And even though, I've come up with a thousand and one ways to do it. (You'd be surprised the shit you can come up with when you've got a 45 minute drive on a dark lonely road every day, twice a day!) Anyway... back to the point... even though I've like, actually pictured what I would do, and how it would happen... I don't think I'd ever have the guts to try it again. What stops me? Well, for one my girls... I couldn't put them through that again... the very few people that I think love me... I think they may find that too hard for them. And then, although I'm not what you'd call a religious person... Honestly, I'm afraid... afraid that if I did something, I would ruin any chance of seeing my sons again... *sigh* Yet... not seeing them now... I think it would be easier being dead. Not dealing with the pain. But don't worry, I'm too chicken shit to try to do anything... I'm scared shitless of pain.. I can't stand guns... I cry like a baby with a simple paper cut. Which brings me to wonder... how can someone, anyone, take a blade and cut them selfs?? It's something I really can't wrap my head around. Now, I know, you're wondering, why am I asking this? Well... my ... she's started doing that... and as much as I understand her pain, I can't understand how she can do that to her self! And even worse, it drives me mad, that apparently, there's nothing that I, her mother, can do to help! Nothing that will make her stop... nothing that I say, seems to make her see that I will do anything to take that pain away. I would give my whole life up in a heartbeat for her... Anyway, so... I guess I'm just kind of wondering... hell.. I don't even know what I'm wondering anymore. I guess I'm kind of hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel. On the upside of things... I've just found one more reason... or person, I should say, that kinda keeps me going... just by reminding me to smile everyday! Anyway, I'm done with my.... whatever you call this... I just want to say one more thing... I've missed you guys and gals. And no, I'm not technically back, but I check in every once in a while. Love, ~ Nessa ~ |
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It is surprising what goes through your mind when you have time alone with only your thoughts for company. While I have contemplated the hows and whys of suicide, I've never been to the point of actually considering the action.  I guess it was for no other reason than for the one you mention. There are too many people I want to help or take care of...that I would never want to leave alone. And I've also learned that regardless how dark things may seem...there's always a way. It's just a matter of finding it.  
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Sweetheart, I know you've been through a lot recently. I wouldn't wish what happened to you on my worst enemy. However, I don't believe there is a single person on this planet that hasn't had the thought cross their mind. You say you're too chicken shit to try it. Well, most people that succeed probably think the same thing. I don't believe it takes a warrior's courage to commit suicide. I believe all it takes is a moment of serious desperation. In that brief moment, anyone can convince themselves that there is absolutely no way out. I believe this, because I've been there. It's a story you might already have heard about me in an earlier post, but nonetheless, it's true. I was raised in a foster home, because the separation of my parents when I was four turned into a violent custody battle that I later discovered involved nearly my entire family. Lies were told. Hearts were broken. Even worse, money changed hands in return for the slander of my mother's good name. I felt abandoned, helpless, and alone. My foster parents never made me feel like more than a bother to them. I lived with them until the age of eighteen, and after a heated argument with my foster father, I left for good. I went to live with my uncle a few miles away, where, although I always felt welcome, I still felt alone. Most of my friends were back in my hometown, as well as my girlfriend. In a few short days, the distance began to tear everything apart, including me. It was a mere two weeks after I left home that I went for a visit. The hope was to confront them peacefully, and to bury the hatchet. When I got there, all my things were outside, and my room had been converted into an office for my foster mother. I asked when this was done, and she replied "The day after you left." I was crushed. I've heard parents joke about not being able to wait when the kids are out of the house, but that is always what I believed it to be. A joke. The joke was on me. I then went to see my girlfriend who I had not laid eyes on since the day I left, although we kept in touch over the phone. I was met with a cold shoulder. We tried to work things out, but we chose to part ways, and unfortunately, that was the last time we ever spoke. It's hard to lose someone you love, no matter how long you've known them. A day is the same as an eternity when it comes to the heart. I had lost my parents, most of my friends, and my girl. I felt more alone than ever. I drove to the house of the one person I really looked up to, who was my best and seemingly only friend at the time. I was shaking, crying, and I told him I wanted to die. He tried to calm me down, but it didn't work. It seemed that he had given up, and he walked away. A short time later, he returned from another part of the house with his father's pistol in hand. He told me, "If you want to kill yourself. Go ahead. But, do it right here, right now." After tossing the gun on the couch beside me, he looked me in the eye. I picked up the gun, put it to my temple, and pulled the trigger. That was the scariest sound I had ever heard, because at that instant, I believed I was going to die. I was wrong. The gun was empty, and I had the chance to realize what happens at the "moment of truth". I changed my mind. Suddenly, my life wasn't that bad. I had a friend who took a risk and probably saved my life in the long run. I was young, smart, and ambitious, and I always treated people with respect. I deserved to live, and so I did. I've been through a few more trials and tribulations since then, but I choose to learn from them, facing them head on instead of looking for a way out, which, now I know, doesn't exist. Life is meant to teach you. It isn't some evil demon whose sole purpose is to take you down. It is one lesson after another, making you stronger each time around. No matter how bad things may seem, this too, shall pass. Also, keep in mind that children are natural empaths. They sense the emotions of those near them. If they cannot interpret the difference between others' feeling and their own, then they will think, and feel others' emotions as if they WERE their own. Your daughter is most likely picking up your thoughts of suicide, and she manifests them as her own. If you haven't done so already, perhaps you should sit down and discuss what you've been thinking about with her, and let her know that your thoughts may be influencing hers. I'm speaking from personal experience, because my own daughter used to be very rebellious toward her mother. Many times she would call me at work because my daughter wouldn't obey her. After speaking with me over the phone for a few minutes, my daughter did as I asked. I believe that the main reason for this is because by the time I became a father, I had worked out the majority of my own anger issues, therefore all she picked up from me was the love I feel. Her mother, on the other hand, especially since our separation years ago, constantly used shouting as a means to discipline her. It rarely worked. I am glad to say that in recent years, her mother has found a new calm, and miraculously, my daughter's attitude toward her has also changed. I actually discussed this very subject with my daughter yesterday during a visit. I asked her why she used to not obey her mother. She said, "She was always yelling at me. You don't do that." She also confirmed that she used to actually be afraid of her mother. This is no longer the case. I believe that sometimes parents should stop being the teacher, and be willing to be the student. We can learn a lot from children. We think that life is tougher on us than it is on them. They deal with fear of not being able to succeed just as adults do. They receive peer pressure just as many adults do. I believe the difference is that adults criticize themselves much more harshly than children do, which can lead to desperation and thoughts of suicide. Perhaps a closer personal relationship with parents and their children can help us learn not only about them, but about ourselves. Maybe then, we will see that life isn't so bad. GLC
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Hon I tried it not more that 11 years ago after my divorce was finalized. I tried to OD on some over the counter meds and beer. I took around 50 500mg Ibuprofien with 2 beer chasers after I got called in to the office where i was workin at the time. After I took the second 25 pills and killed my second or third beer, I felt my Dad, who had passed away back in 1984 slap me upside the head and say to me "DumbAss, what are you doing?" I then called the ER and talked to an RN who then convinced me to have an ambulance come get me. Worst part was my divorce wasnt final at the time, so my now ex-wife had power of attorney basically had me tested for being an achololic, which at the time I was Clinically not, LOL yeah right!! but she had me committed for about a week. This from the woman that could be in the bath tub with 2 kids in the house and drink a whole bottle of wine. Go figure LOL You still have kids to take care of and your life to live!!! Please for your kids sake and yours and ours don't ever think about doing it again. I know its hard sometimes not to but they, you and us are better off with you here!!!!!! God Bless and good luck!!!! XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOX Dr.Pepper67
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Nessa, Hang in there. Have I thought about it? Of course, BUT in my opinion, it is a selfish thing and it only hurts those left behind the most. There is always a light Nessa, you will find it, in time. Sending you hugs. BehindMyBlues
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4/25/2009 12:35 am |
Ah hon you know my heart goes out to you for what you are going through... Sometimes i am not sure where to even begin to help or what to do to make things better... i know the best thing is to be there and although i may have disappeared to wisconsin for a bit and things got a little tough i am always here and i'm back.. i love you girl.. you have been a great friend and i am here to help or just to listen when ever you need... hugs.. jenny
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1 post 8/1/2009 8:11 am |
You didn't decide when to be born so you shouldn't decide when to die. Suicide is for the faint hearted & unbelievers, of the two where do you fall work on your weak areas and live. Fight your weak, wicked thoughts and above all know that there is a God in Heaven and a Devil in hell the path you choose will definately take you there. If you take a flight to new york you cant end up in Nairobi give it a try.
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9/9/2009 3:46 pm |
were close maybe we could meet up
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9/10/2009 6:16 am |
my email in Affairlook
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1/17/2010 9:40 pm |
lol i know the feeling
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1/17/2010 9:51 pm |
lol so good
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