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Well... Sort of... I've been sort of back for a while... I'm still taking it day by day... but I've found that I've lost something within me... The things I used to enjoy doing, are just meaningless now... I used to love to write, I could put my feelings all on paper... or here... and now... I've been trying, for over a month to write something, anything! Anything that will let you all know how I'm doing, how I'm feeling... There's nothing... nothing comes out... it's as if everything within me was just a big, dark, hollow space of emptiness. It's as if half of me died with him... and the other half is just living, because that's what it's called when people breathe and move... but yet, I don't feel alive. ~ Nessa ~  |
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10-4. While no death has darkened my door as of late my wife left about two yrs ago after 30 yrs of marriage: needed a fresh start I figure. Although I had the kids now they have kids I have all their love and caring that we give to each other...as with you...1/2 of me is gone. Just marking time for the grand children and my children(young adults) not even trying to recoup my losses the missus took with her what I have left is for the up coming bunch. And your right in that feeling of am "I alive?" My world seems to be imploding constricting more and more egging me on to my minuteness. 
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Sweetheart, you just did put your thoughts on paper, so to speak. I commend you for it. Just know that you will be fine. Try to concentrate on finding happiness. You deserve it. I know it's not easy, but you are a strong person, and I have no doubt that you will persevere to find light in the darkness. If there is anything I can do, get in touch with me. I'll do what I can to help you see this through. Love ya, babe. GLC
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Hi Nessa, I too know how it feels to lose someone, when I was 13 my brother died...and to this day I still feel a void and I wish he was here to fill it. But I believe things happen for a reason, what those reasons are Im yet to figure out, but if it were easy I wouldnt have that void anymore. Well like mzhunyhole says, one day at a time. Jorge AKA HOTSHOT979
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Hi Nessa, The "emptiness" you describe, while it may FEEL like an ending (and all the residual grief and pain that accompany that emptiness), is actually the "blank canvass" on which you can now create a future - a future that no longer includes the embodiment of Seth, but which certainly includes his spirit, which will live forever with YOU. Admittedly, it takes great courage to move forward after such a loss (and even MORE courage, since this was not the first such loss for you). And, it won't necessarily be "easy," to do that creating and moving forward, however, no one ever promised REAL living would be easy. The EASY way would be to remain sad, bordering on depression for the rest of your life. Just give up the possibility of ever experiencing love, happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction... Resort to alcohol or drugs or both, stayed glued to the couch with the channel changer in hand, resigned and cynical that life can ever be good, much less, GREAT! Many people go down that road, and it occurs as "natural" for them... the only alternative. Since I know you fairly well, I can tell you authentically that YOU are NOT that kind of person. YOU are a strong, capable, intelligent, creative woman, who can do ANYTHING you put your mind to. And, I am just ONE of the people who will stand by and with you as you continue this journey called life. Do not allow the thoughts and feelings from the past (the ones that rob you of energy and joy) to dictate your future. Seth was a gift to you, (and everyone who had the privilege of meeting him), and he stayed EXACTLY as long as he was supposed to, and not a minute more or less. It's possible to ACCEPT things that happen without necessarily "liking" them. And, no matter HOW MUCH we all wished he was still with us, it doesn't change the fact that his body has moved on. It is up to us to keep his memory and spirit alive within us, and pass on his zest for living, exploring and playing in the world. Do not rob those of us who love you of the greatness that resides in you - it's time to unleash that brilliant thinker/writer that we've come to know. I hope this comes across as the gift it's intended to be. Love, Paul
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Ness, I fully understand the hollow feelings, the isolation that comes from having well intentioned friends who have not experienced the darkness and despair from the loss of a child. It has been a year and a half since my darling daughter left this world and each day is a struggle to get through, but please know that the pain lessens, the absence doesn't, and the memories of better days do flood to the forefront, the feelings of what could have been will always be there in the back of your mind, the love of a parent for their child will always be there, and the memories will remain - you will never forget him and he will never forget you. People used to say to me that my daughter was now in a better place - and I am sure some well meaning friend has told you these words...the problem though is that he was just fine where he was with you and these well intentioned friends just don't 'get it' at times. All we ever want is compassion and understanding and a shoulder to grieve on...I have lived this so if you want to email me outside of the blog, please do so. I have a book that I'd like to suggest to you so I'll send the title along. Grief is a horrible process to go through and trust me when I say that it took me a long time to get to where I am today, so please be kind to yourself. I too lost interest in many things that I used to do prior to my daughters death - its part of the process - that of rediscovering our meaning and place in life and you too will find this...I know the days and nights can be very difficult but do understand that this too will pass, you will feel better (although at the moment I know you don't truely feel that - I was there once as well) and yes something died within you as well, a part of you died with your son and it is so difficult for a parent to let go of the guilt and the second guessing game of what could/should I have done better......I did all that as well, and one day I came to the realisation that there was nothing that I could have done to change the outcome, all I could have done was exactly what I did, support her and love her. I still love her and I always will, just the same as how you still love your son and always will. Ness - from one parent who has suffered a tragic loss - I understand where you are and I can only but offer you brighter days, peace and serenity - these will come to you, let it happen and don't fight it. One thing I was told that I truely found poignent was being happy is not a sign of disrespect to our departed children, they of all people would want us to be happy so as a legacy to your son, let yourself feel again, let yourself be happy and open your soul to love again and understand that he wants this for you as well. You are in my prayers. M The shadows cast into the day and are an extension of the soul
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