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BLOG WARS!
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BLOG WARS! Author's Note: This morality play was inspired by events taking place in BlogLand that shook the place pretty hard. The "popular list" bloggers of the time were turned out of their lofty places at the top of the list by newer bloggers who used the devices at their disposal to manipulate their climb to the top. Foremost among these devices was filling their posts with comments. Comments that were only meant to increase the overall total number of comments (which was the way the popular list was determined), and had nothing to do with the original post . For example, a blogger could become the "top" blogger by simply writing a one word comment over and over and over again in their post ad nausea. Friends would come in to help and before long the post would have 200 or more comments in it. Eventually, the site instituted the "unique comment" as the way to determine "Number One" and "blog padding" went by the wayside. Anyway, there were many bruised egos as a result, and of course I found the whole thing to be quite amusing (as well as an interesting example of pride and other assorted human behaviors), and used the entire controversy as fodder for the following piece of satire. *It is unfortunate that some of the original cast members have seen fit to remove their profiles, and thus their pics have gone by the wayside. However, these actors are some of the greatest to appear on BlogLand's stage. They are well missed by this playwright, that is for sure... edited by keithcancook, March 2008. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ BLOGLAND PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS: BLOG WARS! A BLOGWAY MORALITY PLAY STARRING:  BLONDENEEDSSEX AS PRINCIPAL LAY expatbrit49 AS HUNG SO-LOW purejoy4fem AS CUTE BACK-UP travelingintexas AS HEART JADER SensuallyKatey AS RU-FREE2SCREW? dz2502 AS C-MY PPGROW HardlyYours4Now AS AN IMPERIAL BLOGTROOPER AND INTRODUCING Tala4u2 AS YA-OWE-ME-ONE CUM-BLOW-ME PLAY FOUND INSIDE POST ENTER & ENJOY BlogLand Productions' roster of BALONEY AWARD winning morality plays is the finest in the theatre-blog industry. They include: Conversations From BlogLand High The Wizard of Blogz BLOG WARS It's a Wonderful Blog A BlogLand Christmas Carol and bIG  |
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BLOG WARS Episode III Return of the Slits Long ago, in a galaxy far far away... The Blogactic Republic has seen its better days. Once offering peace and stability throughout the known blogosphere the Republic is now but a shadow of its former preeminence and glory. For a new power has arisen and wrested control. Wielding fearsome new weapons The New Empire has assailed the old Republic with a ferocity never before witnessed and a velocity approaching light speed. In short order the old Republic was swept away... On a quest to destroy The New Empire's most powerful weapon, the Blog Padder, A small band of loyalists begin their dangerous mission. expatbrit49 Do you always have to be so damn professional Fluke? When do I get some shag time with Principal Lay? I mean Cute Backup gives great wookie, but I have a thing for blue bloods and I want some of Lay's royal heinie. purejoy4fem Why do I always feel like Maryanne in Gilligans Island? Always playing second fiddle to a sweeter sounding violin. Jeesh! expatbrit49 Now now, Cute Backup You know I love you (Yeah, Right!). Why not go and sit with Ya-owe-me-one and give him a little wookie? He is said to be skilled with his sabre. purejoy4fem At least he's got one Hung So-Low. It's a better weapon than that puny little gun that you pull out when the action gets hot. It never ceases to crack me up that you have a name as cool as Hung So-Low and all the possibilities which that implies; yet you have no sabre to back it up. What a joke. Tala4u2 Enough! Stop this squabbling! You sound like the Emperor and his cronies. Bickering over such drivel and harping and sniping at each other. The fate of the entire Blogosphere is in our hands. All eyes are upon us. We must not fail. purejoy4fem Yeah, you are always talking down to us. Like you're something special. Well, at least we don't go out wearing the same stinkin' bathrobe all the time. BLONDENEEDSSEX Or open our legs to spacemen. expatbrit49 Ha! That's all you ever do, Principle Lay. Don't you have a better come back than that? BLONDENEEDSSEX Oh! You are SO in trouble for saying that, Hung So-Low. Tala4u2 I agree, that was a low blow, So-Low. Now stop this everyone. Can't you see what is happening to us? The shadow of the Empire has spread and even now we are under the influence of the DARK SIDE of the Farce. We must cleanse our minds of conflict and doubt. Think of flowers rather than fights. For it is with flowers that we shall defeat the Empire and restore good will to the Blogosphere.
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purejoy4fem BLONDENEEDSSEX Gawd Yes! Take us now! ...um, we mean yes! we're with you! expatbrit49 Hey, what about me? I'm still captain of the Kill-any-man Falcon. It's mine ya know. The rumors that I stole it from the Les-Bians is a lie. BLONDENEEDSSEX Give it up Hung. purejoy4fem Yeah, let us know when ya get a REAL sabre. expatbrit49 Y'all will be begging for it when I become a hero, defeat the Emperor, and destroy the Blog Padder before it inflates another blog. expatbrit49 Sorry, but the mystical process for red-eye initiation really turns me off. And at the end of pledge week, when they slam a door on the tip of your pecker to induct you into the club... well, that's a real deal breaker for me. I don't wanna be a red-eye. Tala4u2 What Fluke says is true Hung So-Low. With the Farce as his ally, a red-eye can part many heavenly bodies in a single night. But that is for another time. Now we must concentrate on our mission. The Blog Padder must be destroyed and we need to act swiftly. Tala4u2 I am afraid so Fluke. Tala4u2 Your father he is, but face him you must. Your mother is not the only woman to fall under his spell only to be cast aside later. You must defeat him and restore confidence to the hearts of all women. Tala4u2 Unclear, his future is. But he is a BlogWriter, and in him the Farce is strong. Be wary when you confront him. He can turn you yet. Then what will your Principle Lay become? Your right hand? (And with that new bionic model you have attatched, you could sever your sabre if you're not careful). Nay! Heart Jader must be stopped!
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expatbrit49 We are approaching the Gay-go-butt system. The Blog Padder is protected by an energy shield projected from the tiny MOON of Bend-Over, on the far side of the blog. Take your places everyone. Tala4u2 Not those places Principle Lay! Get your nose out of Cute Back-ups muff. Haven't you had enough wookie yet? You're insatiable. BLONDENEEDSSEX Oh pooh! Every time I try and get a little wookie from Cute Back-up somebody always has to rain on my parade. purejoy4fem Mmmmmppphhhh... Tala4u2 Prepare to launch the stolen Imperial shuttle. Now we will see if those codes for which we paid so dearly are of any worth. When we gain entry to The Blog Padder we must take out the main reactor and then get the hell out of there fast. When the reactor explodes innane comment shrapnel will spew forth in all directions. Fluke and I will take the shuttle. Hung So-Low, Principle Lay, and Cute Back-up will continue to Bend-Over in the Kill-any-man Falcon and disable the energy shield. Let's go! MEANWHILE, ABOARD THE BLOG PADDER HEART JADER IS RESTLESS... travelingintexas What is it? HardlyYours4Now A shuttle sir. They are requesting permission to dock. The codes are older, but they do check out. I was just about to clear them. Shall I deny them docking? travelingintexas No, I will deal with them myself. Clear them immedieately. HardlyYours4Now Can you repeat that sir? I can't understand you with all that heavy breathing in the background. BACK ON THE SHUTTLE FLUKE SENSES HIS FATHER JUST AS HEART JADER SENSES HIS SON... Tala4u2 It is too late to retreat now. Is your sabre ready? Don't forget to bring the droids. SensuallyKatey Tweet-tweet-twitter-tweet-twitter! dz2502 Oh! Do I have to stop now? I was just getting to the centerfold. Tala4u2 We have docked. Prepare to disembark. The deck is deserted and the coast is clear. RU, link up to the main computer and jam the firing sequence to The Blog Padder. Fluke, we must separate now. I will go to the reactor and start fucking with it. You wander around and see if there are any exciting ways to get in trouble. Then I will come back and save you even though I will have already been undone by Heart Jader. (I cheated and read ahead in the script). Tala4u2 Don't worry about it Fluke. This is a Sci-Fi morality play. Plot continuity is not necessary for the point to be made.
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On the Gay-Go-Butt MOON of Bend-Over The Kill-any-man Falcon has landed... expatbrit49 Girls, we have arrived on Bend-Over. Are you ready to complete the mission? Hey! What're y'all doin? Didn't Ya-owe-me-one tell you guys to stop that? Get yer face outta Cute Back-up's muff, Principle Lay. BLONDENEEDSSEX Ease up, Hung So-Low. This part of the plot is of no consequence to the overall production. Now get over here gimme some while I give Cutie some. purejoy4fem Mmmmmppphhhh... BACK ON THE BLOG PADDER, Ya-owe-me-one Cum Blow-Me HAS DISABLED THE REACTOR AND IS ON HIS WAY TO FIND FLUKE, WHEN SUDDENLY HEART JADER APPEARS AND INFLATES HIS SABRE... Tala4u2 I knew I would find you here my old Paddle-One. Spank me, but by the size of that sabre I see that you have grown in power. travelingintexas It is true, Ya-owe-me-one. Now you are the student and I am the master. I will soon teach you the power of the DARK SIDE. Tala4u2 Enough of this chit chat Jader. All you have become is a MASTER DEBATER. And soon you will be a flower arranger. En garde! AFTER CROSSING SABRES FOR AWHILE, Ya-owe-me-one STOOPS TO PICK SOME FLOWERS WHEN HEART JADER POUNCES AND GIVES HIM FULL SABRE. Ya-owe-me-one TAKES IT TO THE HILT AND COLLAPSES INTO NOTHINGNESS AS FLUKE BLOGWRITER ENTERS THE SCENE... travelingintexas He's not done, son. The Farce is strong in that old one. He's pushing up flowers under the sun. Besides, he did disarm the The Blog Padder before he succumbed. travelingintexas It is of little avail Fluke. Now you will turn to the DARK SIDE. Soon you will be padding blogs with the best of them. After that I will teach you how to jade women. travelingintexas It is too late for me son. I have padded too many blogs and jaded too many women. travelingintexas Oh son! These flowers are truly beautiful. Yes! I do! I do want peace in BlogLand. And speaking of peace, if I switch sides can I get a piece of Principal Lay? WITH THE DESTRUCTION OF THE BLOG PADDER PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORED TO THE BLOGOSPHERE. THE END
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9/29/2005 8:12 pm |
Now, come relax on the couch....let me "rub" you.... So much work in 1 day.
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9/29/2005 8:29 pm |
hahahahahahahaha You are too much ,little off on sometings but your still number 1 {=}
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9/29/2005 8:48 pm |
Oh, sure, it was a small part...but it was so pivotal to the story... Who started snickering about my small parts?
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You all have the right to remain silent, but being the cop in charge I say spill your guts, give us the juicy dirt, if there is any. I need to see expat naked so that I dont have to pat him down in search of weapons. I must ask though, Ex, do you need a cavity search?    I am the real deal! "Come Get Me!!!"  
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9/29/2005 9:04 pm |
BRAVO!!!! ENCORE!! ..I lauged, I cried, I came.. completely satisfying..
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Hey...I thought popcorn was included in the ticket price! Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
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LOL at Hardly
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9/30/2005 8:17 am |
*smiles*
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9/30/2005 10:42 am |
 What in the world have you been smoking? I wnat some...lolThat was some cute stuff there... HUGS~~~MANDY Always The Bitch
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I am awed. If only Lucas had brought you aboard. Great satire. And thanks for the free tickets! ♪rockwriter58♪
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Man, Keith...I had some really cool props all lined up for you too... I had designed this really awesome shuttle cab for you to to ride around on...sorta looked like a huge purple butt plug. curses... ~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~ 
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10/1/2005 10:05 am |
Slaps writ on table.......takes another drag on big fat cuban.Mr Lucas aint impressed with your little stunt Mr Cook. See you in court.Hope your pockets are deep enough to buy the White House. (can I have cute-back ups address I have just the right position for her coming up in my new production)
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lol too cool  WyvernRose
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...that was great...snort-out-loud funny. Bravo Keith!
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Where's my damn popcorn??? Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
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Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to clean diet coke off your monitor AND your keyboard? not to mention how much it hurts when it comes flying out your nose!
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10/2/2005 1:42 am |
lmao...great post. I'll get you some more pig pics as soon as I have time to go through my graphics file. - DT
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10/2/2005 2:56 am |
**standing up** **clapping hands** **whistling** Bravo!!!!
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10/2/2005 4:35 am |
funny and serious, an artist at work....
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10/2/2005 4:53 am |
Can I audition now for a part in the sequel. I would also like to have a part in BLONDENEEDSSEX
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10/2/2005 6:37 am |
It must have been tough to fight such a "master Vader" lol Keith You Rock when are you releasing the prequell?
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