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Random jokes
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Random jokes A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days." **** A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." *** A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. 'What's that?' the lady questions. 'Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.' Then the man takes off his pants,... and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that?' the lady questions again. 'Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV. Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS. 'You didn't tell me you had AIDS!' the lady<b> screams. </font></b>'No, no! Calm down,' the man replies. 'This will say ADIDAS in a minute....... **** A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!" **** .........................The Excuse.............................................. A 55 year old man bought a new BMW, and while out driving around one day, began to feel the awesome power and speed of the car. Before he realized it, he was doing 90 mph and lights begin to flash in his rear view mirror. The man floored it, thinking the cop would never keep up. Soon he was doing 150 mph. Just then he realized that the cop could easily call for back up and block the road ahead, so he decided to pull over. As you can imagine, the cop was fuming. He told the man, "Look, it's Friday and I'm at the end of my shift. If you can give me a good excuse that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and responded to the cop. "O.K. Look. A couple of weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer, and when I saw the lights, I thought it was him trying to return her." **** A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 18 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, ", go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 18 years and watch the expression on his face!! ***** Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”. I sent an Angel to watch over you last night, it returned in a hurry. I asked why, it said "Angels can't watch porn." Thanks for fucking traumatizing my fucking Angel! Don't bother trying to figure me out. Not even the little voices in my head understand me. It's pointless! |
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