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| Blogs > ella1966 > Ella's Ellaborations is back!! |
In the long run, does it really matter whether you fuck, or not?
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In the long run, does it really matter whether you fuck, or not? Well, a part of me would love to give a paper and talk about my experiences since becoming a member of this site...there is alot I could say, but it would be mostly anecdotal...I could not back up what I am saying with research, or analytical data to impress academics, but I could make a few educated conclusions based on my observations and experiences. I could talk about this site, about the "sex industry" as a whole. But today I am sad. There has been a ferry accident and tragically some people have died on Sydney Harbour, a 14 year-old girl is missing and it being so close to home, I can only feel for what these families are going through. So, sex is the last thing on my mind. Yesterday, I was thinking about this whole sex thing. Sure, there are some men who are sensual giving lovers, who revel in women's bodies, who know exactly what to do, how to please a woman. They may even be unselfish enough to make sure the woman can enjoy herself and not have to worry about pleasing him. I even experienced this yesterday. But none of these men have ever touched my soul. None of these men, including my husband, has ever made me feel like I want to look at them and see into their soul, while they are having sex with me. None of them have ever made me feel like I want to look into their eyes and they into mine, because we both know what this means to us. No-one has ever made love to me, like I imagine it to be in all the pictures in the books on lovemaking I have. But perhaps, that is not meant to be for me and perhaps, the fantasy is so much nicer than the reality, and I would prefer to keep it a fantasy forever, because if it ever happened in real life, it would in reality, be a disappointment. Yesterday, as these overweight ageing and unattractive men walked into this place, I chatted with two of them, let two of them play with me, they carressed me, they played with my tits, they fingered my pussy, they sucked and tugged at my nipples and boobs. Yes, I enjoyed it. I would be lying if I said I didn't. Another just wanted to come over my body, even though it wasn't that messy, it was really disgusting to see a stranger do this, use me in this demeaning way and I wonder why I agreed. But I closed my eyes, as they fondled and played with me, I did not look at them, because I did not like what I saw, I closed my eyes and imagined what I would like to see next to me, not the actual person who was there, even though I was grateful for their touch. I chatted with them again, none of them fucked me, both of them could not rise to the occasion again, but even if I had fucked them, none of them would have been even remotely close to making love to me. One of them remarked that I "did not take the lead", and said that "I had to get him hard again"...well, I did not want to do that. I asked him if I was a snob as I didn't just go up to men I did not feel any attraction to, but sometimes I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and he seemed to imply after thinking about it, that perhaps I was. I replied that I guess beggars can't be choosers. But, I did not want to be responsible for stimulating a man to want to fuck again and so I walked away disappointed. Though I am glad I did not fuck them, I am glad my inhibitions made me think of me, because fucking them would have made me feel worse. But I was so disappointed, because I so wanted to taste a fantasy, I wanted a man to arouse me, I wanted a man to want me. I WANTED A MAN WHO I WANTED TO GENUINELY WANT ME BACK TOO. But afterwards, I sat there, knowing how stupid I was to even think it could come true with any of these men. But I was scared. Scared because if I found someone I wanted to make love with, emotions are involved, it is just not visceral, animal fucking and I might get emotionally involved and I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt anyone after what I have been through. I don't want to hurt anyone else, when it is bad enough I am hurting the man I professed to love for better or for worse, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. How stupid I was to think it can come true with anyone, besides some fantasy man in my head. Then I realised, it doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things, whether you masturbate, whether you fuck, whether you make love, in the end, it really doesn't matter. The time will still pass, people will still come and go, you will still feel happy, you will still feel sad. The man who I didn't fuck said that happiness is a state of mind. Therefore, it doesn't matter who you fuck or even if you are fucking. That fucking says it all, really. |
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Ella, What sort of place are you going to?? Are you safe being there? Please look after you! Frangi x
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I don't think it is possible to have the "looking into someones soul through their eyes" moment whilst making love unless it is with someone you love and trust and are in love with. And I think that is why it doesn't happen to you. That's what I meant on your last post -You do not want to be emotionally involved, partly because it costs too much, and (partly maybe I think ) because you don't feel you are worthy of it. You are so concerned with the fears and black emotions that haunt you that anyone with enough empathy to be able to make love (as opposed to just fuck) can read the dark stuff and won't want to risk getting close to you. This is just my guess, but I think if you can get past your dark thoughts and learn to be more accepting of how you are as a person you may find lovers willing to be more deeply involved with you.
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