Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > 40Deuce > Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93 |
Hotcakes and handjobs
|
Hotcakes and handjobs “Here I am all dressed in snakeskin Now I'm in your kitchen making love to your cake tin Oh no, is this the one you bake in? I told you I was freaky did you think I was fakin'? At 8PM I sell my underpants on eBay At half-past nine I hold a séance in your hallway At ten o'clock I ask some ghosts for a three way Yes it's creepy, I told you I was freaky.” Flight of the Conchords “I Told you I was Freaky” One thing people never say to me is "40 , I love how sometimes the title of your blog has nothing to do with the content , its genious !" Wallowing in the sickly erotic molasses of Affairlook I never think of myself as “freaky” but every now and then I talk to someone in the real world and an reminded how most people would be disgusted (and aroused) but some of the non-freaky things I’ve done . I was talking to a lady the other day and I said something about sucking cock (we were talking about sex so it wasn’t totally weird) and her response was “eww” which I wholeheartedly agree with , but the moral of the story is that all she had ever done was missionary style PIV . She had never given oral , never received oral , no butt stuff , no hand stuff , nothing . She claimed she didn’t know you could do it “doggy” style without doing it in the butt . And there’s probably a lot more people out there like that than there are mildly freaky people like me . It’s all a sliding scale is what I’m saying , or at least implying heavily . The slightly amusing thing is that right after that I was talking to someone on Affairlook who said (something like) “Reading your blog tells me you don’t like handjobs , you don’t like blowjobs , you don’t like anal – you’re the like the most boring guy on this whole site” . Which is true , not just about sex , but in general . Speaking of blowjobs I blogged a while back about how I didn’t know that sucking cock can make your jaw hurt so the other day when I was about to eat a banana I figured I’d see what all the fuss is about . Sidenote , the fact that a fruit exists that’s pretty much a perfect analog for the human penis is clear indication to me that there is a god – stuff like that doesn’t happen by accident . Anyway , I have to say , it is a little hard on the jaw . You have to open your mouth a lot wider to slurp the banana/cock in there than I would have thought . Live and learn . On a similar vein I was also ranting a while back about my houseguest shaving her armpits with the door open so I thought I’d give that a try too . I thought the rest of my body was white , but man oh man , the skin under my armpit hair is white as a sheet of paper (or a Korean water ghost) it’s kind of frightening honestly . What I don’t understand is how can that skin be whiter than the my crotch skin ? Sure , I shave my junk but it never really gets any direct sunlight . Truly life is a mystery . I’ve never really considered getting a tattoo , I’m not really a big fan, but I was thinking the other day ; if I wasn’t fat and pasty and had horrible skin I would probably get a tattoo of the Red Lantern symbol on my so-called bicep (if it can so be called) . Then I went onto the internet to see if there was a picture of a lady who had the Green Lantern symbol tattooed around her nipples but there wasn’t . It was sad . I blame you . I am a friend of all earth’s of course , but there is one group of people that should be dragged out into the street and beaten until they break apart like novelty erotic piñatas (I used the word erotic twice in one blog , I lose) radio DJs . I’ve always hated them , but I had forgotten how much because who the hell listens to the radio anymore ? But I forgot to charge my MP3 machine the other day and I was reduced to listening to the radio like a filthy CHUD , whereupon I heard a 13 minute soliloquy about how only women ever “go commando” because guys don’t wipe their ass and they need a layer to “absorb” . Never mind the fact that whatever mentally challenged nonsense the “DJ” would have been spewing would have had me screaming “Shut up and play some music” over and over again at the top of my lungs , but seriously , why would anyone ever believe that ? And then choose to talk about it on the radio ? Fuck you buddy , I hope you get testicular cancer . For real . Realz I mean . Now everyone’s favorite part – the work report . The other day one of my annoying lady co-workers (who is admittedly quite sexy) asked me if I fantasized about her , to which I was heard to reply “Yes . . . but probably not in the way you think .” Because I do fantasize sometimes about blasting her with a flamethrower . Also everyone’s pissed off at me because in December you can dress casually if you donated to the United Way back in the summer and this year no one donated because of all my anti-UW propaganda . No one except me . I hate the UW but I still want to wear jeans at work . That’s really all I care about at this point . I would gladly give up my pathetic raise if I could have casual dress . In other news I almost had a rage stroke yesterday because I spend about 5 hours trying to explain to important upper management type people why you couldn’t debit one account with crediting another . My job has nothing to do with accounting (thank god) but I do have an accounting degree . It was one of the most pathetic moments of my life . I was talking to adults , adults in positions of power in a huge financial titan , men and women who drive luxury cars and fly in private jets , and in the end I was reduced to saying things like “Alright , if you have ten dollars in your wallet and we want that ten dollars to be in my wallet . . .” And they didn’t get it at all . I found myself trying to explain to them the origins of double entry accounting in the frickin’ 1300s in Genoa and an overwhelming cloudlet of endless bitter bleak despair descended over me . But then I saw some squirrels capering about outside and I felt better . Also for the record this is the kind of double entry that I like  Accounting joke , bam ! Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
||||
|
god....
| |||
|
OK, first, on the blowjobs - you don't stuff the whole banana in your mouth. You focus on the head, and under the head, where the frenulum's located, and you use your hands, and maybe your hair, or your necklace if you happen to be wearing one. Geeze, if people have been giving you blowjobs the way you describe your Banana Experiment, no wonder you don't like them. Second, where do I get my hands on a novelty erotic piñata (I hope the cut and pasted n with the tilda doesn't morph into some wacky smiley dude but if does now you know what it was supposed to be)? Third, what's a filthy CHUD? *[blog charleyb223]*
|
Become a member to create a blog
