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Dejected and rejected.
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Dejected and rejected. I was so happy going into this night. I hadn't seen my friend in quiet a while actually. Not since the weekend before I found out about a medical issue I am having. I've missed my friend alot. I hate to admit it but he's important to me in a lot of ways. And it was nice while I was there...watching him cook a meal for me. And the casual conversation we had was good. All in all other than the fact we both ended up falling asleep off and on while watching tv the night was a good one So why do I feel like something has changed between he and I? I don't know if it's just me and all my stress going on lately or what but something just felt off tonight. Maybe it was my headache I ended up with....who knows for sure. I know for sure that while the day before I had thought how nice it'd be to be wrapped in his arms again....yet once there I had no desire to be in his arms for a sexual reason. I did however have to fight the urge to ask him to just hold me. To let me just know he was there for me while I let out all the frustrations and worries I have lately. It seems the closer I get to the day of my dreaded Dr. appointment the more intreverted and moody I become. I know the "dam" would break if someone would just hold me and encourage me to let it all out, but I really have no one to do that for me. I thought maybe this friend would be someone to be there for me.....and while we do talk still, I can't help feeling like I have been abandoned a bit by not only him but several of my friends. Don't get me wrong it isn't their faults anymore than it's mine. They probably don't know what to say to me....and really I am not the most sociable lately. Just bugs me that my close friends said they'd be there for me through all this.....that they wouldn't walk away from me.....yet I hardly ever hear from anyone. One of the men in my life has only spoken to me twice in the month and a half since I told them of my situation. My bestfriend is busy with her new job and her right now and hasn't had time to talk to me a whole lot. And now I wonder if my local friend is scared to be near me because of my medical issues. I wanna scream sometimes...asking everyone.....is this all because of my condition? Yet I don't....maybe because I am afraid of what their answer will be. Maybe because I know down deep what the answer is already and don't want to admit it. Maybe it's just me being paranoid about all this. After all I haven't been sleeping well. I keep having these terrible dreams. And I'm exhausted all the time. I am not eating well at all....I gave up on the diet for a while btw.....I truely feel like what's the use. I'm having headaches alot. I clench my teeth alot. Here I am rambling on and on about myself and my problems when maybe my friends have things going on in their lives that they just don't wanna tell me because I have enough going on without worrying about them also. Heck who know's maybe I've just finally lost my mind. All I can say for sure is I've lost my sexual desires. Infact the idea of having sex makes my stomach roll right now. Yet all I yearn for is for someone to hold me tight, stroke my hair, and keep telling me everything is going to be alright. That they won't let anything happen to me. That I mean something to them. Forgive my selfishness but right now I need to feel wanted and needed in my friends's lives. *SIGHS* I'm going to bed....it was a long drive home tonight and then a long route, and I have a headache that's on the verge of becoming a migraine which is keeping me from focusing....causing me to ramble and make absolutely NO sence at all here. Fuzzy ~~Fuzzy~~ |
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Fuzzy, I have to say I'm really sorry... I know I've been sort of wrapped up in my own little world lately. I won't try to excuse it, or explain why I haven't been in touch with you lately. Simply because I know there's no excuse good enough for not being "there". But I can tell you this... I AM here for you, anytime you want to talk... call me! I mean, I got a job now, and it leaves me hardly any time for anything else, but if you need to talk, I can find the time sweetie... I can also tell you this... And this is VERY important so pay attention... you ready?? ok... here it goes... The reasons for me being "out of touch" with you lately has absolutely nothing.... NOTHING... N-O-T-H-I-N-G to do with your "situation". Remember that... and, don't ever think otherwise ok? I still love you sweetie! And I am still here for you... just not as much or as often as we both would've like. FTLS[/Font]
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A little something with you in mind... Always Me FTLS
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Thanks ya'll. I guess I just figured knowing me as well as some of my friends know me they would of noticed my not saying a whole lot lately.....how stand offish I've been and all. And I would of thought they'd of said something to me about it. Not that I need confronted or anything....just someone to say hey Fuzzy you aren't yourself are ya sure you don't need to talk about this. Which I have to say is exactly what my local friend did after he read this blog. He got me to talking about all my fears and worries about my Dr's appointment. From the fear that it'll be worse than they first thought to the way I hate being alone after having a procedure done which stems from my family tending to leave me sitting in the hospital or at home after an outpatient procedure and not check on me. Also talked about my fear of telling my family what's going on. It helped to talk about it. What my friend doesn't know is while we chatted here on the pc about this stuff I couldn't help but let the tears fall. Now while I am emotional about alot of stuff there is a difference in sad tears and fearful tears. I can't remember a time EVER that I've cried outta fear like I did last night. Anyways, only 3 more days till the procedure. I was told that other than the biopsies they are doing Friday they may end up doing cryo sugery or laser surgery that day depending on what they find when they are doing the biopsies. Guess the not knowing for sure what is going to happen is what has me worked up. I hate not knowing. Fuzzy ~~Fuzzy~~
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10/3/2007 5:22 pm |
Not knowing is the worst. It makes you always think the worst possible thing. But as the old tired cliche says "god will never give us more than we can bare" However, I do wish at times he didnt think we were all so strong.  Im sorry that you think things are different with your fwb - and maybe they are. You guys have gone through a progression in your situation. And with that, unfortunatly, comes a transfer of feelings. Its hard to deal with...its possible, but you have to be patient and give it time. As for the friends - reach out to them as much as they do to you. Take the 10 mins to call and say, "I Need you right now". I know its hard to do. I know you want them to call and check on you, but really take advantage of the thing called friendship and reach out to them. They want you to. Trust me. Ive been where you are. In all the ways. Clinching the teeth, migraines. Medical conditions be damned. Im sitting here reliving some of the worst weeks of my life. However, it was just a few weeks and it was over...and in your case, it will be too. All behind you babycakes.   
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Thanks Buttery. ~~Fuzzy~~
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