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| Blogs > rm_gatttorbait > MURKY WATERS |
It was so simple.....until?
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It was so simple.....until? I know that some of you that read this, know me for my feeble attempt at humor, and I must admit I do have a serious side. And so, since this is my first blog, I will attempt to give you, the reader, a small glimpse into the life that I now know. Many times I have pondered what makes "me" me...and it appears that these events played a big part of what "makes me tick" ... and with that I will tell you that this clock was made in the late 50's...and has needed repaired many, many times. The most significant event that has impacted my tiny little world, and now may impact yours, happened in 1997. I would tell you that if your not with a good friend to lean on right now... then perhaps you should wait until you are to read this. It is not my intention to open any wounds that you may have, and I apologize if this does. It is also not my intent to derive any responses from you other than to let all of you know what is in my heart. It was a cold winter day in Post Falls, Idaho (where I had lived most of my life) November 10th to be exact, and my fiancee Denise and I and my best friend Robby, were waiting for my 13 year old Nick, to arrive home from school so that we could go shoot pool on a league that we were all on. The school had just changed to "double shifting".. which meant some of the would be in the early shift 7 am till 3 pm..and some in the late one 9 am till 5 pm . He often rode his mountain bike to school, (about 3 miles away) even in the winter. And his bike was set up for him to ride anytime, day or night. (the sun sets by 3:30 pm in the winter months) There was no trail for him to ride on, and he would ride along side the road in the fields between home and school. There was no snow on the ground as it had melted from a warm spell earlier this month, and the roads were clean and dry. It usually took him about 45 minutes to get from school to home, and this day would be no different..or so I thought. It was 6:15 when there was a knock on the door....it was Nick's best friend Gavin. He had a strange look on his face.. and said that Nick had been hit by a pickup truck..and that his eyes where open but he wasn't breathing.........I can't even say what my first reaction was....but it wasn't five minutes and we were at the scene of the accident... My heart was pounding like it had never done before..and will never again... There in the field was the crumpled body of my Nick... with two "good samaritans" giving him mouth to mouth.... This is the first time that I have ever told this story in detail...so please bare with me..as I am crying while I write this. There.. in the dark...no longer feeling the cold...I held my 's hand.....for the last time. I have never felt so empty... so all alone....My world as I knew it ended right then...and it has taken me this long to face some of these feelings. It will take the rest of my life...and then some.. to truly understand what makes me who I am now. I was a single parent in charge of a human life..to nourish and admonish.. to laugh and to cry..to listen and learn.. to teach and to grow..to love unconditionally ..to hold and to enjoy..to help him from the moment he was born into this world, and I was proud of him in so many ways. He was so like me, and in more ways like a person that would eventually have the world in the palm of his hands. My Nick was gone... My Nick was gone. A poem for my : Paper rock scissors a childhood game count one..two..three then start "I win "I win" he cries aloud warming his father's heart Paper covers rock time passes quickly he now has become a "I'm no longer a " he proudly declares still to small to wear his dad's jeans Rock smashes scissors he quickly outgrows any hint of his childhood fears Camping and biking maybe someday the Army he plans for his future years He is my He is your He is all of the you see He is God's a never forgotten now an angle watching over you and me Hold them close forever in your heart show your love to your everyday One... two... three paper...rock..scissors play one last game for Nick today. Love forever, Dad  |
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7/2/2005 7:08 pm |
Gatttor, Although I am not a parent,and cannot fathom how you are feeling with such an terrible loss. I want YOU to know that right now my thoughts are with you and your son and I am gonna say a prayer to my mom tonight to give him a special hug (she passed away at the age of 60 this past October,and altho it is in no comparison to your loss,she was my rock,my strength,my friend and my adversary at times and she is greatly greatly missed)..It never goes away,but it does get better as you see,and from now on I will laugh at your humor,even when I kinda do not get it ((( hugging you )))
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7/3/2005 12:50 am |
Gaitttor, thank you for sharing a piece of your soul. I am moved, tearry eyed and respectful of the gift you have given by sharing this. Thank you. I have two little girls, 3 and 1, and I can assure you they will be receiving a little more understanding and patience from their dad from now on. Thank you Gaitttor.
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I do thank you for these hugs.....and as I read your posts.. it is so true...that no mater how much you feel the need to protect your child, you still must just let them be a child. As well, their need to be independent, makes it very dificult as a parent to decide when and if you will allow them certain things that are normal for a child to do. I hope that those who do read this take with them.. something positive out of this...as you have. That was one of my personal reasons for writing about this event..... for all the parents that may stop here and read.... I extend my arms...my heart..and a kind wish... that you may enjoy all the children of this world... as they are our future. Thank you both so much for your kind words and hugs....it was these very things that gave me strength to carry on and they continue to do so now.
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7/4/2005 8:46 pm |
Gatttor,I am so moved by this,you inspire me even more.Your special friend Cinders!!! (((((((((((((((99hugs)))))))))))))))) Cinders If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see are obstacles.
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7/6/2005 8:03 pm |
Gatttor, as a mother of 2 that are in their twenties now, I can't even fathom the pain you felt on that day, and still endure every passing day. At every crossroads of a child's life, you have to make a leap of faith, to let them go. Their first step, their first day of school, the first time you let them ride a bike to town, the first date, the first time you let them take the car. You hold your breath everytime, hoping it all turns out ok. But you can't NOT let them test their wings. You have to let go. Sometimes it all turns out ok, but for some parents, it brings heartbreak, as in your case. I know that you will always have a hole in your heart, but you are taking steps to patch it up a bit by expressing your feelings here. Sometimes it is easier to tell a stranger. If that is the case here, I am only too happy to be one of them. Thank you for sharing. I suffered a loss in 1998 that I still grieve over, so if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me. Carole
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7/6/2005 8:31 pm |
Your poem is a beautiful tribute to your son. Thank you for sharing it, and for sharing your Nick. *hugs*
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7/7/2005 1:35 pm |
gattor...your eloquence leaves me in tears and my heart breaks for you...thank you for sharing Nick with all of us and being the kind of man that opens his soul to the world....
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It gives me a good feeling to know that all of you have seen a part of me..and it was very difficult to express the true feelings that I have dealt with on a daily bases. It says alot about all of you to post here...when it is so hard to put into words what you may feel. I thank you all for at the least letting me know that you have read this.. and know that in a small way Nick lives through me...and now through you.
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7/8/2005 8:36 pm |
Dont know how i stumbled upon you but i must say that you have moved me in so many ways. I am a single mother of 2 and can not imagine the pain. Thank you for sharing this. Tif in KY
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I offer my condolence to you at the loss of your son and to all that have had a child of theirs pass--it's NOT supposed to work this way.
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8/7/2005 2:36 pm |
Damn Gator you made me cry. I am so sorry for the lose of your son. I think I would go to pieces if I lost my daughter she means the world to me. Juicy 
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8/11/2005 1:15 pm |
Wow....I came to your blog because i know from previous posts how humorous u are, and didnt expect this....My heart goes out to you and you are a good man for caring so much.Your words are very real ,and it hits home for me. I have a 12 year old son who will be 13 on november 14th...i absolutely cannot imagine how it is to lose a child and i cant bare to think about it.Your courage shows in your words and yes we live thru our children, i was always told that...What a hard thing to have to go thru and live with...my prayers will always be with u now.
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8/21/2005 10:54 pm |
I,m so very sorry for your loss. I can,t evin begin to imagine the feelings you have had and still do have my son is 20 and I just had to go tuck him in and tell him I love him. your story sent cold shivers through my body and reminded me how important he is Thank you
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Gator, although we touched on this subject a while back we didn't go into any details. I am glad I stopped today to read this, I can feel your pain in many ways after loosing my son I went through much of the same. I guess you have done better than me I know I still break on his birthday, on the anniversary of his funeral. It is something that never leaves you just becomes apart of who you are. I just want you to know I am here sometimes hard to find but here. Hugs, kisses, prayers, and tears... Hugz  n Smiles  ~Sim~ 
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(((((((((Gator)))))))))) Remember the first time we emailed? I'm so glad you're writing about Nick, Mark. What a handsome boy... reminds me of my son. He just made me a Nana... but don't you dare breathe a word of it cuz I'm sure no one would suspect I'm old enough. Right? When I play paper, rock, scissors with new baby Tessa I'll be thinking of Nick... and you, my friend. xoxo >*^*<
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Too much for me. Even though I was prepared. Don't know how you do it, Love, but I'm so glad that you are able to keep going. A very handsome boy. Love to you M. I'm happy you have made it this far and have no doubt you will make it the rest of the way. Yes, I have a friend for life in you... as do you in me.. Glad we turned a corner with our friendship... its nice to see others see you this way. T.
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9/10/2005 3:11 pm |
Such a wonderful tribute to your son. I'm a single parent and I can't imagine how I would be able to go on in the face of such a great lose. Nick is a beautiful young man...I can't bring myself to say was...he is your son and will always be a part of your life. Thank you for sharing such a personal moment in your life. Hugs and kisses to you for your strength and grace.
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11/10/2005 1:47 pm |
Gattor..Mark...I feel your pain, tear in my eyes. Your are still a great proud father..Nick is now watching over you in heaven...thank you for sharing your heartbreak and loving poem. Sue
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Sending hugs to you Gatttor Nick
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11/11/2005 3:03 am |
As I finished reading your blog about your son I looked out the window thinking about what I could or should say to you. There is a bird that lives and hunts near our home that is a very rare bird in deed and an endangered species too. I have never seen him before today but my husband has. I glanced out and there he was slowly flying away, I could see his beautiful feathers. It was just strange the way it all happen. The loss of a child is the hardest thing that any parent can face and I know because I have experienced it myself. There are no words to say that can change your loss, just want you to know that–Yes your son will live through you and the others that you share his life with. Thank you for sharing this side of your personal life with us in your blog, your poem truly touched my heart.
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... wow..... I just realised that there was more responses to this post... and I apologise for not responding sooner... ... the thing is this... I haven't come back here for awhile... I'm OK with this... just didn't realise that there are two pages of my friends just letting me know they were here... ... to all of you thanks... *smiling*... this is quite an experience for me to witness... not only did I not expect many to read this... I also never expected the responses I am now reading... *wiping tears*... just a little overwhelming... ... it just goes to show you that there are so many others that Nick has now touched through me... and this is a very good thing... ... please do me a favor though... be sure to hug your loved ones... your friends... and even your enemies... cause no one really knows when it will be the last time... ...(((hugs))) to all of you!... and thank you again for dropping in on me...
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... Verri ... I am glad that you took the time to read these posts.... and I came back just a few days ago to read them myself once again... ... it seems that life moves at such a slow pace for me... yet for everyone else it travels at the speed of light... maybe it's just me... but there are so many things that I miss ... and so many more I haven't yet seen .... perhaps this explains the difference ... .... I love your insight of the balance of dark and light... it's rare for people to assimilate both in their lives.... and still be able to function at what some would consider "peak performance" ... but it seems I have found a way to do this... and still completely enjoy life to the fullest... I thank Nick for this... and the special bond I have with you as well... ... thank you Verri.... verri much ... *smiling*
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Gattor....where do I begin?....warm humanly "hugs" to you....thanks for sharing your inner feelings. Words have never been my strongest feature...so I am quoting some lyrics from Eric Claptons' song "Tears in Heaven"(a song he dedicated to the tragic death of his son)....."Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven......beyond the door, there's peace and joy, and I know there be no more tears in heaven.........would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven, would it be the same.......I must be strong and carry on, because I know, I don't belong here in heaven....." Mark, take good care of yourself....Nick is watching you from above. Sincerely, SR
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Do the tears ever stop? - or maybe they aren't suppose to.. I lost my 10 year old daughter February 10th, after a four year illness.. We write our poems about our hurt,Why do we people who lose children seem to write poetry?..and nothing helps.. Thank you for sharing - I won't say all the words that have been said to you many times.. but know I feel your pain, your tears.. *hugs*
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I should clarify, It was February 10th, 2003.. I admire you gator - you stopped being angry.. I got angry and stayed there.. Ok enough of this.. I saw the link in my other thread.. thank you for allowing me in to your blog..
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